"Teaching My Almost 3-Year--old to Put Himself to Sleep Without Nursing."

Hi L.,
Try having Dad put him to bed at night. I don't think you will get around some protest crying, but remember that he is 3 yrs old and can understand what you are saying. Explain to him that nursing to sleep is no longer an option, (have heard a mom say that the boobies are "broken") and that he needs to learn to fall asleep without it. Try replacing it with something else. We bought a noise machine at Target that projects pictures on a wall or ceiling. My daughter also has many "night-nights" and kitties which helps her self soothe. "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth is my favorite book for sleep. I used a modified cry it out with my daughter, waiting 5-10 mins before responding and waiting longer each time until she was asleep. Unfortunately, the older children are the harder it is to break a habit and needing to nurse to fall asleep is a habit. Remember that teaching him to fall asleep without you is one of the greatest gift you can give him. My mother never taught me that and I have a terrible time falling to sleep.
Sincerely,
L.

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I used to sing a lullaby each night before nursing my 3-1/2 year old for about 2 min. One week I told her that next week we were just going to lullaby, but each night she could choose which lullaby she wanted. No tears, no issues with it until when she was 4 and one day she asked me when I was going to have milk in my breasts again--then the tears were mine, as she is my last...we probably continued with the lullabies till after she was in kindergarten, maybe even first grade, as it was our special routine.

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I also hated the idea of crying self to sleep. The advice I was given was one minute per month old. My husband and I held hands to keep us in our seats. I would go in after the minutes were up for love and patting. In less than one week she was falling asleep without breastfeeding. Now, I think it was one of the greatest gifts I gave my daughter, the ablity to fall sleep on her own. (After the bedtime stories, songs etc. when she was older) I know it is HARD to hear the child cry, at three years of age I wouldn't do 30+ minutes but start witrh five the first night, six minutes the second night, etc. You will have to trust that this really does work. PS, I was 38 when she was born.

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When we do for our children things that they can do for themselves, we teach them to be incompetent. It is a parents' responsibility to assist children in moving through the developmental stages. It is not in a child's best interest to nurse them to sleep after the first few months of life. Self-soothing and going to sleep on their own is a skill that is as important to a baby and toddler as reading is to a school-age child. It is tougher on both parent and child when this skill isn't taught at an early age. At 3 years old he is capable of understanding a simple conversation about being a "big boy" and introducing him to a new bedtime routine. You can empathize with his missing the nursing routine, but remain firm. Offer a small reward, such as a sticker for each time he goes to sleep on his own.

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you need a solid bedtime routine first and foremost. then, you can replace yourself with dad for a few nights and let them settle down a new way -- cuddling in bed or rocking. he will cry, but he will not be alone. also, at 3 he is very coherent and can be told about his new changes. i am surprised at how much my 2 yr old has responded to the new bedtime changes when we talk them through and take them slowly. taking away the breast for sleep association is the hardest of the sleep trainings, so just get through it and know it will be ok. i would not expect him to transition him from falling asleep at the breast to falling asleep on his own. my son has not nursed to sleep for at least 8 months and we are just working at him laying down by himself and us leaving the room. but the slow transitions have worked very well for us. few tears, no guilt or trauma. good luck

Hi L.,

I nursed my son until he was almost three. Two books that helped me were "The no-cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantley (I think). I can't remember now, but it may be geared more to younger babies. And "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" (can't remember the author).

One thing that helped me was counting. I would nurse for quite a long time. While nursing I would tell him that we were going to stop for a break soon. Then we would stop and of course he would want to start again. I told him we wouldn't start again until I counted to 100. I would count in a slow, monotonous voice and he would usually fall asleep (if not, I would nurse for a little more and then go through the routine again).

I know many woman have had success with letting their child hold or put a hand on their breast in stead of nursing. My son often (and still does occasionally) just wanted to hold my hand while lying beside him.

Also, my son invented the tummy cuddle for us during weaning. Instead of nursing, he would ask for a tummy cuddle. He would pull up his shirt and push mine up over my stomach and he would lie on top of me - tummy to tummy, skin to skin.

The Happiest Toddler on the Block had a technique that I used too. I remember my son was still in the crib when I tried this so he was younger (I seemed to fall in and out of nursing to sleep and then trying to break the habit and then starting again). I would nurse and then put him down, very cheerfully, and say good night and leave the room. When he cried for me I would go back in immediately, cheerfully, and sing a little song, nurse for less than a minute if had to, say night night again and leave the room. The key here is to remain calm and cheerful every time you do it. The book says that you may have to do this 20 times the first night (I think I had to do it about 8 or 10 times the first night, about 5 times the second night and only about 2 times the third night). You want to teach them that you are dependable, you hear them and will respond to them if they need you - but at the same time they are learning to fall asleep alone. My son was younger when I used this technique and I'm not sure if it will work with an older child.

But I think variations of this can work. Lying down with a child for a while and then saying "I'll be back in a few minutes. I have to go do the dishes," then coming back in a few minutes later helps your son practice being by himself and trying to sleep. I think it is important to keep your word if you tell him you are coming back so he learns to trust you and believe what you say. But you do not have to come back in for long before you leave again to "make a phone call" or something.

One last thing. We have some music that I would play for my son that he associates with sleep. Even now, if he is having a hard time falling asleep he will ask for the music.

Good luck with it. You will find a way that works for you!

-C.

Check out Dr. Jay Gordon's method for family bed/weaning. You can read it online. Lots of mamas say it's helped. I am planning on using some strategies - but my babe is younger.

Good luck!

My son was around the same age whe I weaned him. I let him hold my "sip" as we called it, and that worked. Eventually, he didn't need to do that either, and he could go to sleep (next to me) with out anything special going on.

I was;'t able to let him cry or walk out of the room, and I'm glad I didn't!

Good luck!

L.,

I don't know if you sing or not when he goes to sleep- but I suggest making a tape recording of your own voice singing songs to help him sleep. Then start playing it when he goes to bed so he gets used to it. Put a chair in the room and sit in it each night, slowly go closer to leaving the room. Also, take him to the store and buy him a new lovey or object for him to hold to replace nursing to go to sleep.

M.

Hi L.,
I have an eight year old boy whom I nursed until 4 years and 2 months. The process of weaning flowed naturally with him from a combination of discussion about how he does not need milk any longer because he has his teeth and can eat like a "big" boy and from the fact (which he was very aware of) that my milk started to dry up on its own. What ended up happening is that he would nurse at night (and in the mornings, just like your son), but I would stop before he was asleep and then just stay with him, so that he gradually learned how to go to sleep without being attached to the breast. Hope this helps, J.

You could talk to Le Leche League. They advocate nursing until the child weans himself. Then the sleeping works itself out. I nursed my own daughter till she was just six years old. She is now 16. The later two years of her nursing were only done on occasion per her choice. She soon slept all by her self and very soundly. It may seem to be taking for ever now but when children start going to kindergarden it seems to help them socially to not want to nurse so much and their sleeping seems to take care of itself when they choose to stop nursing. Remember eventually we all learn to sleep on our own. When his security needs are met and he is ready, he will sleep on his own when he is tired.

have you tried talking to him about it and to see if there is something else he might be okay with trying? i'm still nursing my 19month old son and he does the same thing...i'm happy to provide it for him, but i can see how almost being 3 might be taxing for you. please let us all know if you find something that works for both of you. good luck!

I had this problem with both of my two boys. Both times I went out of town and let the grandparents deal with it. It may sound cold, but I believe it is the best way to do it and so does my naturopathic pediatrician who is all about nursing, co-sleeping, baby-wearing. Both times it went amazingly well. The children know you are not there and so they know they can't have any booby, the grandparents love them (or whatever trusted babysitter you can come up with). When you come back you just say "all gone" You're a big boy now you don't need (insert whatever word you use for it) anymore. Honestly, it is harder on you than them. Both my boys were fine. I was the one who was a wreck. P.S. I have a doctorate in psychology, so I've researched all the pros and cons. I just want to share with you how I did it. IF it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it, but if it does it's an amazing way, cuz you get the benefit of a couple nights away on vacation to reward yourself for the amazing work you have done for the past three years and you do absolutely deserve it!!!

Happiest Toddler is by Dr. Karp.
Although my baby is younger I am reading "The No-Cry Sleep Solution." I like her philosophy, and it is a very encouraging book.
I agree in not letting my son "cry it out."
I recommend contacting a La Leche League support group in your area. There are lots of moms that have gone through what this process, and they have sound advice similar to these values.
Good Luck.

Those bedtime stories work wonders and daddy can do them, too. We do bath, about three stories and a lullaby. There is sometimes a little cry as dad or I leave the room (his room has a gate on the door), but this is only natural and doesn't last long at all.

Unfortunately you are going to have to steel yourself for some tears to get through this, but that doesn't have to mean letting them "cry themselves to sleep", how awful! Can you imagine what that would be like even as an adult? But you can let them cry for 15 minutes or so without any damage, then you go and pick them up, comfort them with your voice and presence [because, lets face it, at this point the nursing is a comfort issue for him not a hunger/nutrition issue]and once calmed put him back to bed. It's time intensive, you'll have to go back in several times per night, and could be for several weeks, but eventually it will work. You might try starting a new "comfort" expectation associated with bedtime at the same time to provide a replacement like a bedtime story or songs if you're not already doing that. One final note, I am not the mother of young children...mine are both grown, 27 and 24 to be exact and here's my point: this is what I did with both mine and despite letting them cry a little we enjoy a close, loving, and mutually trusting relationship [even when they were teenagers!] Good luck!

Hi L.,

The nursing to sleep is just like any other prop that parents use to get their child to go to sleep. (I was guilty of using multiple props). I am pretty sure that no matter what you do he will cry/protest - because it is a change. All childeren like routines and this is the only routine he knows. You can change this routine in 3-5 days.

I know you think the cry it out is a no go but I would reccommend two books to just read and then form an oppinion. Maybe use some of the suggestions that would apply to your situation. Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems and The Sleep Easy Solution.

You will just have to commit yourself to making this cahnge.

Myself and all of my friends have been successful using information from these two books. We all had very different sleep problems and the methods worked successfully for all of us.