Teachers & Gifts & Preferential Treatment

I come from a long line of teachers, and I myself work in upper education. It offends me to hear a teacher say that her affection and attention, can in essence, be bought. Disgusting.

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When I am working (off until Kiddo's in full-day school), I teach preschool because I love kids. I love my work. If I could go back in time and pick anything I could do as a career, I wouldn't choose any differently.

My relationships with the children are *with the children*. That is to say, little Sally has no control over if/what Mama buys me for the holidays, so I don't use gifts as a basis for which child I offer more affection or support to. This is a little out of line with the way some people think: their focus is primarily on the individual child; I try to balance that with a focus on helping the whole group to thrive collectively. If I'm not doing well by all the kids, then the group will suffer as a whole.

Usually, out of a group of 8 kids, I'll receive two tokens of appreciation. (So, say, a 1:4 ratio?) And no, no one "owes" me a gift. I'm a little surprised if people feel I expect it. I don't.

What I can tell you is that I appreciate all the parents and the time they take to make sure that their kids have what they need for school. Even better if there's a question on what the preschool or group as a whole might need. I know that gifting teachers is relatively new, and I don't expect anything. Personally, I love the handmade ornament or little trinket, just because I get to see them each year when I hang them on the tree and remember the child fondly. So perhaps my attention and affection are triggered at a later date?:) I had one ornament from a child that fell apart after 18 years, and you know, I still remember his name. I know not everyone likes this, but I do appreciate it.

and Mum4Ever-- your sister's story has me in tears. Thank you for sharing that.

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As a teacher, I can honestly say, that while gifts of ANY kind are appreciated, it doesn't make me look at one student over another with any sort of favor. I thank the students who brought the gift, and that is that. I don't keep a tally of who brought what, it is not an expectation in any way, rather it is a lovely way for me to know that I have worth to that student and their family.

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I give to my daughters teacher because we love them, appreciate them, and we want to show it.

As a teacher, my favorite gifts are the heartfelt, handmade ones. I have several homemade ornaments hanging on my Christmas tree that I love! Plus I have numerous cards, pictures, and crafts that students have made for me over the years. I have a keepsake box that they all go in.

It makes me sad to think there are fellow teachers out there that would give preferential treatment to a student based on a gift. It just makes me shake my head, and it makes me grateful my child is not in that person's class.

People like that give good teachers a bad name.

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I'm room mom for my daughter's 2 year old preschool class. We decided to do a room gift. I bought small Christmas trees and I'm going to hang gift cards off of them. The good thing is that the teachers won't know who bought what, if you didn't buy, the gift still comes to from you, and with gift cards you can put any denomination you want, and most gift cards these days don't have the price on the card itself. Personally, I think when it comes to preferencial treatment, it depends on your kid's attitude more than what you buy the teachers at holiday time.

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I am giving gifts to my teachers because it's the least I could do for them! especially Ms Thompson. She has to deal with my hyper boy all day. She's a saint! She deserves the best. I dont think it would change the way she treats him. She already spends extra time with him, works with him, cares for him.

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I am very tight financially too! We have 3 kids, youngest is 8 months old. I work at home part time. My daughters are 4 and 5. The 4 yo is in pre-K 5 days a week at one school. 5 yo is in K. In both of my daughter's schools, the class mom collects money and gets one gift for the teacher and the asst teacher from all of us. They did $10 per kid, so $5 per teacher. With 20 in one class and 24 in the other, this is a nice gift for each teacher. My daughters and I also make home made treats and bring those in for the teachers in tins, and send them our family Christmas card.
Very weird for preferential treatment to go to kids bringing gifts.

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In all my years of teaching, I've never seen or heard a teacher who felt that way. How do we know if this person really IS a teacher? I guess anything's possible. Do you know what usually earns your child more attention -NEEDING (not wanting) more attention.(some kids need attention for academic reasons, others are going thru a tough time at home, others just dont seem to get enough attention cuz their parents are too busy. Most of us try really hard to act like we like all our students the same, but if you really want to know how we feel deep down....What earns your child actual affection? Good manners. Do you really think we're going to feel affection for a child who is disrespectful, always interrupts and never says excuse me, is mean to other students, brags about material possessions, etc. just because the parent bought us a gift? IF only it were that easy!! If your kid hits the other kids, puts them down for their imperfections, and is nasty and ill mannered all day- all you have to do is buy the teachers a lot of gifts and your child will be treated like the angel you pretend they are! Sorry, teachers are human. All you earn with a gift is a thank you note. Do we owe teachers a gift? personally, I give to hairdressers, trash collectors and mail carriers because I feel I owe them a gift.(I don't know why?) I give small tokens to teachers because I want my children to learn that the whole point of Christmas is GIVING not receiving, and they don't know about those other people I mention. Giving to a teacher is a very tangible lesson for small children.

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In my 5 years of teaching, I got some gifts here and there. I can only remember two gifts that I got. I remember getting frog decor (to decorate my classroom), chcolates and candies and stuff like that. Can't remember who got me what. I never got gift cards or cash or anything. I taught in schools where everyone was very low-income. So I guess I did not expect anything. The two gifts that I remember to this day? (One was a hair straightener my 5th grade girls thought I needed. The other - a half bottle of used perfume given to me by a 2nd grade boy. It smelled awful, but I sprayed it on my neck and smiled and he LOVED seeing me enjoy his gift.) Never have I even considered treating a child differently based on the gift his/her parents give.

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We've always given gifts to my daughters teachers for Christmas but never with the thought or hope that she would receive special attention. Last year we gave her kindergarten teacher a nice card with a handwritten message from my daughter, a gift card to Barnes and Noble and a picture of my daughter and her teacher at the end of the year class picnic! I truly appreciate my daughter's teachers and realize how hard they work and feel as though remembering them at the holidays and at the end of the year is a small way of thanking them! Also, I'm a room parent for my daughters class so I see first hand how patient, caring and just how hard they work!

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As a previous teacher, I will tell you that there are different types of teachers as there are people. I've always tried to be the best teacher I could be, and I know I've done some great things with most of my students. I also know (and worry) about some of the kiddos I didn't "reach." I can't be everything to every kid, although I really tried. I don't deserve to be on a pedestal, and neither should any teacher...really.

Do I like a note of appreciation? Yep. Everyone likes to know that they are doing a good job. I question myself constantly if I'm handling all the situations the best way and getting to all the kids who need me -- it's nice to hear when I get it right.

Do I like a gift? Who doesn't? But, I've not liked the big gifts. I have felt like (or it was intended for me to feel like) I almost "owe" that person more. I don't. I owe every kid in the room what they NEED. It may mean giving one student more positive attention today because things hit the fan at home, and another student more attention with his reading the next day. I give what they NEED, not what I've been paid to do ...either by my salary or by the gifts I've been given ---often I have given WAY MORE than what I've been given. Yes. It's the job. It's what I signed up to do. It's what I felt needed to be done so the kids had what they NEEDED. I lasted 5 years. I'm burned out. And, that was before having kids. I could never do that job the way it needs to be done now that I have kids of my own. I can't stay until 8 p.m. every night or come in on the weekends. I digress.

Should you gift the teacher? Only if you want to. Only because you appreciate him/her. Only because you enjoy allowing your child to gift to someone that is important to him/her.

Don't go overboard. Or don't do anything at all. Your child won't be dinged for it. At least not by the majority of teachers out there. And I bet, you are going to already know the teachers it would matter to by this time in the year.

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In the course of the past two years our family has experienced major surgery (open heart) and unemployment. The last thing I need to worry about right now is the thought that my kids may not be getting the best education their teacher has to offer, simply because my little plate of goodies or my son's homemade necklace was to cheap. None of us...including teachers...know what somebody else is going through. Perhaps it is the children who's parents are too 'cheap' that need a little extra attention. Just my thoughts... :)

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As a teacher, I have NEVER met a teacher that works this way! We sooooo appreciate any gift given to us, and I don't even think twice about families that don't. I am so amazed that I make it onto their gift lists.

As for that post, it's a bunch of garbage. Please don't let this change how you view teachers.

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It was I who was honest enough to say that a GIFT not money garnered better treatment.

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Rhonda said what she said, and I wouldn't presume to speak for her, but I do want to put a slight spin on it.

It's January 3rd, my child (or another child) is being a little hellion, his teacher really wants to strangle his little neck and then she remembers that we remembered her and how hard she works and how much we appreciate what a tough job she has and she takes a deep breath before dealing with the situation.

A gift to my child's teacher, to me, is saying, "Hey, I know my kid isn't always easy. He can be absolutely adorable one moment and a holy terror the next. But I really want you to know that I appreciate your hard work, your loving kindness and especially all those times when you take a deep breath before you lay in to him!"

I don't think most teachers look at the kids whose parents couldn't afford a nice gift and decide not to be nice to them. Rather, teachers think of all the thoughtful cards and gifts that they received and are touched that their efforts are appreciated.

Do what you can to say thank you to your children's teachers. They deserve it. And bonus, they will be even better teachers in the spring!

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I really doubt most teachers keep track of which parents gave gifts. But, that's because I couldn't fathom doing that myself, but I have known people who keep careful track of every gift, and the value of the gift, that they've received so that they only give the exact same value back...blech!

When our household income was pretty high, we made frequent gifts to our daughter's daycare - even playground equipment. Now that my income is quite low, I give more practical gifts (Target gift cards, low amount), or if I have access to free tickets to an event I know they enjoy, I will share those with teachers. I think generosity is an important value, AND we need to give according to our ability.

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In the few short years that my child has been in elem. school to date (K-3) I have seen ONE teacher that actually refuses gifts of any & all kinds. Now THAT is making a statement.
I get a big kick out of some of the moms trying to outdo each other at this time of the year--parking in the lot and schlepping 4 ft. poinsettias into the school, carrying elaborate cookie trays large enough to feed the troops, etc. It's ridiculous! But, imo, it's the parents, not the teachers that make it that way. I don't "join in the reindeer games"!
Because we can, we buy our son modest gift cards for his main & student teachers (plus main & student for a different math class) and I let him choose a greeting card for each, sign it and write what he would like. I don't think the parents need to "gift" the teachers, but if the child wishes to (mine does) that's fine. And I agree--it's the parents that would like to believe that their child will get preferential treatment if the gift is "good enough." It's just so wrong on so many levels!
My niece is a teacher, and she'd rather get a nice note of appreciation at the end of the year for all she does--on AND off the clock!

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i scanned a few and i love what Gidget said. I don't know what is behind this post but at face value Yes, I think what ever way you can show a teacher that you are behind them and are working as a team to benifit your child that will give them pause to look at your child more favorably.

The most awful worst kid in the world, cann't buy favortism with a $100 gift card, but by showing you support the teacher and are doing all you can for your kid so they can be successful in school even if that is simply showing up and replying respectfully to the teacher at conference time or it is a apple mug of homemade cookies and a smile at christmas, That is what helps to make a good realtionship with a teacher.

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Those parents that show their appreciation for the extra effort our teachers go to are probably the parents Rhonda's describing. Her original post in the other question certainly made her look greedy and awful for giving preferential treatment, but this post made me rethink.

How you choose to show that appreciation is the question we're debating. Do we throw monetary/epensive material gifts at the teachers, or do we write a heartfelt thank you with a token included?

I'm still not 100% clear on where Rhonda stands, but over and over the teachers on this site are saying what they're looking for is appreciation in whatever form that takes.

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Reeally? There actually was a "teacher" who responded that way? Saying that money would get more affection for the giver? Wow. That is what our society has come to? I am not sure I would buy into one misguided keeper of our kid's education but it sure does not stray far from my entitlement theory that I posted about a couple of days ago. We need to really pull in the reins on this one. I know I AM with my adult child. I am going to do everything possible to repair some of the damage I have done. I think we need to all step up and STOP the madness and teach our kids that NO ONE is entitled not even the teachers when the attitude of receieving is wrong and the attitude here would be expectation.
I "get" how we don't want to send our little treasures off to some teacher who has them 6 or 7 hours a day and will not be kind to them because we were too "cheap" to buy them off but how sad is that?
I say lets change our own attitudes as the givers and give our teachers the benefit of the doubt; that their hearts are true and that they went into this profession because they love what they do. And I've gotta say, that if you are blessed enough to get one of the "greats".... you WANT to give to them because our teachers don't receive enough as it is.

I know that buying a gift for my kid's teacher was always a joy and produced a well thought out gift that my kids loved giving. Because after all, I think it's all in the attitude which begins with the PARENTS...
who are the true teachers... if you get my point.

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I am so glad you posted this as that comment really bothered me too. Reading these responses, many from teachers, makes me feel a lot better. The very best teachers I've seen in action are like the ones described below.
They give attention and affection where it is needed most. My girls are both well loved by most of their teachers they are easy kids & A students. But honestly I love to see their teachers showering affection and attention on the kids who don't have it so good.
MANY years we've seen amazing teachers give the kids who are low income, from rocky homes or just struggling in school the extra attention they need to thrive. That's what being a great teacher is all about. I'd rather see that then try to "buy" more attention for my own kids through some holiday gift (bribe?).
A human being who gives that way of themselves for nothing but a kids smile in return is the type of person I want to be teaching my children.
Thank you to all the great teachers out there!

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Never did it. Never saw any teacher doing this. I guess anything is possible, but professional teachers do not change their attention due to a gift.

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I give teachers a gift card for Christmas with a handwritten card. I do the same at the end of the year. I do it to show them how much I appreciate all they have done for my child and to thank them for being a teacher. It's a nice little thing for them, they work so hard all year and really get no appreciation. Even if you can't afford a gift (which is not expected) you can at least send in a handwritten note.

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I saw that response. I didn't understand it either.

I give out of appreciation, whether I like the teacher or not. I have been in a class w/children and its hard, whether I was paid or not. My kid had some teacher's I couldn't stand but when I put personal feelings aside, I had to remember he was in her class to learn and ifhe was learning, then she was doing her job. That doesn't mean I go all out. Appreciation can come in different forms, like a hug or a nice note.

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I sent a flower to the person that on the other post wrote what she did, not because I agree but because she must be letting us know there are teacher like this out there.. I wonder if she is a teacher and reacts this way herself?

That being said, I notice that the teachers our daughter had or teachers that I am friends with .. Are always quite humbled by any type of appreciation from the parents or families they teach. This is not anything they ever expect.

It is like you as a mom. When your child brings you a flower picked from outside, do you love that child more than you do your other children? When they get older and one child purchases you a car and the other gives you a scarf that they found that reminded them of you. , will you love one more than the other? I do not know any moms that play these games. Instead it is the thought that is touching.

They do not compare the gifts because it is like comparing your own children.. They love them all equally and want to help them all equally, but in reality, it just does not always work that way.

I have one friend that said she worked extra hard with the kids that were super active with short attention spans because she did not want to have them repeat her class the next year! She also knew in the future people would be looking back through the files and would want to know what teachers seemed to make the most progress with these children.

No one says you have to give ANY gifts at any time. We give from our heart. Gift giving is not a competition.. If you see it that way, that is your own feelings, but I promise the majority of people give gifts because they want to, not because they have to.

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I don't understand why we feel "obligated" to buy a Christmas gift for a teacher? What other profession acts like this? I don't owe a teacher a gift. I give a gift to a person because I want to not because I have to. Did we give teachers Christmas presents? Yes we did but not every year. However, I also would bring items in during the year that I had bought extra of. Paper towels, kleenex, soap. So glad my kids are grown up!

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We give because we want to and to show that we appreciate the teacher. This year, new school, we've gladly given to show appreciation.

Last year at a different school, we did not give anything because my daughter was being harrassed and the school was doing nothing about it. I don't reward people for doing the wrong thing.

"money will undoubtedly give your children more affection and attention than what is given to children whose parents are too cheap to give a gift".
Wow! what a statement! I am glad that person is not a member of my family. This is just a prime example of why I do not put teachers on pedistals like so many others do. I have never bought a gift for a teacher and not because I'm "cheap" or can't afford it, but because I see no need to give a gift to the teacher for doing her job. She gets a salary, benefits and a whole lot of time off - those are the perks of her job, not gifts from her students. And for the teacher who gives more attention/affection to the students who buy her gifts, Karma is a bi**h; hold on to your hat because you've got a big one coming!

Sometimes an extra special gift is an apology for a particularly pain-in-the-behind pupil.
Kind of a 'thank you for putting up with me' thing.
I think that other response was a tongue-in-cheek response to the idea that a gift would buy/bribe more attention from a teacher.

I to struggle with teacher gifts and the expense. I love my sons teachers but I can't just afford something amazing for each. For my oldest son's teacher (Kindergarten) I have sewn a ruffle scarf (I have a small sewing business) and will give her that with a hand written note from my son. He loves making cards right now. I'm stumpted with what to do for my 2 year olds teachers, he has 2 main teachers but I'm not sure what to do. I just do as best I can and hope they enjoy what we pick.

We usually can't afford to give a bought gift so we make goodies.
Usually flavored rice krispy treats , cookies, candies, etc.
I don' t like to put into the big pool of money for a gift card or group gift it just seems so impersonal to me.

I hope that my kids teachers don't think the way the poster you are speaking of does. I've got fairly good kids, and we've had good luck with teachers except for 1st grade, dunno why but 1st grade has been difficult as far as dealing with teachers for both my kids. come to think of it my first grade teacher wasn't that great either . .

Hmm...I always gift my kiddos teachers and never expect special attention. If you really want to get on the teacher's "good side" (if such a thing exists) I would think volunteering your time, being an active part of your child's education and a "good helper" would go much farther than a $20 gift card to Target.

I give because I want to and because the person means something to me and my child. I don't give to get preferential treatment or anything else. * Plus, the teacher my child has, would never treat another child differently because of a gift.

M

I don't believe a teacher would pay extra attention to a child who gave them a better gift. That is just heartless. The teachers I know are doing it bc they love kids...all their kids. That is sad that someone would say that. We give some homemade goodies and a starbucks gift card. Last year we gave a bookstore gift card bc my son's teacher was crazy about books. We spend about $15.