Tantrums, Whining, Crying OH MY! Please Help Me!!!

L. - Given your sons age, chances are he is frustrated from the inability to fully communicate what is on his mind. In my experience, this age is the toughest and most challenging. Your child wants to tell you what is on his mind so badly and he is not able to express homself. This is one of the reasns some people teach their kids some sign language (I didn't but know people that did) to help when they can't pronounce or say certain words.. the tantrums are a result of this frustration... the good news is, there is light at the end up the tunnel.. maybe when he turns closer to 2. All you can do is try to figure out what it is he is saying and work with him... it takes patience... Best of luck!!!!

Hi L.,

Dunno if this will help, but does your child get enough sleep at night and a good nap during the day? Sleep is a very important issue. Even us, we wouldn't enjoy our day if we didn't have enough sleep.

Cheers

Talk to him, talk to him, talk to him. Even though he's too young to say many words to you, I'm sure you can tell that he understands everything you say. I completely agree with Heather B's advice about giving him a time warning before any transition. I do this with both of my children (who are 4 and 2, and the 2 year old has a fit about everything) and extending that simple courtesy to them works wonders. Depending on what THEY are doing, I might even start with "Ten more minutes until we get in the car. . ." Your little one is starting to have ideas and plans of his own and it sounds like he really needs a smoother transition. Is he playing or involved with his toys when you pick him up to start a new activity? I try to imagine what I would feel like if I was happily knitting or reading and someone walked in and said, "Put that away - it's time to go!" and carried me off. I'd be mad too!

Also, I have found with both of my children that time outs only work if I sit with them. They stay in time out, but they have no idea why they are there and then they just sit there and fester or start making up little games to pass the time. Pointless! If I sit with them (often after I've taken a brief time out for myself to gather my sanity), we chat when they are calm and I can say things like, "You are angry that it is time to go. You want to finish playing with your legos." It sounds crazy but repeating what they scream at you or putting their feelings into words for them helps them move past the tantrum. They know you understand, they feel like you are on their side, they have new words to describe the emotions they are feeling - and it doesn't change the reality that it's time to go! I promise you, if you can be consistent about give him a time warning before you transition and "validate" your way through a tantrum, by the time your guy is four he'll be able to do this for himself much of the time.

Until then, my thoughts are with you! (As for the whining, my mother-in-law says it will stop by age 25!) Good luck!

I have one that still transitions hard and he's 9! It helps to tell them ahead so that they can expect it. Maybe set your kitchen timer and put it where he can see how much time is left. If he's happily playing with a toy, let him take the toy with him if possible (I know it's not possible with a million Lego pieces), but how about a little action figure for each hand? Or, how about leaving a little box in the back seat next to him with little items for the car ride. Action figures, little cars, a couple of books, etc. Every now and then you can replace the items in the box with something "new" from the house. I used to put a box in the back seat between my 2 boys, and this was called The Sharing Box. Whatever was in there was to be shared and played with in the car. It worked well! Another thing that works like a charm in the grocery store is giving them a little bag or small container of a snack like animal crackers to help keep him busy. Good luck!

No real advice, just support. My 21 month old does the same thing EXACTLY. I think it's just where they are, so badly wanting to communicate beyond their ability. I just keep breathing deep and we work more on learning words as all I can think is that talking will really be the only thing that will end this horrible phase. You are absolutely NOT alone.

Hi L.,
I would recommend checking out Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" DVD. His theory (one that resonates with me) is that kids have so much trouble communicating at this age that tantrums are just a way to attempt to tell parents how they are feeling. He gives you a way to do this easily and effectively. I've paged through the book but think that you really need the DVD to use the method to its full extent.

Here is the link to Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Bonus-Spanis...

Hang in there!
L.

This definitely sounds like age-appropriate behavior. I would echo other posters: make sure he gets enough sleep, show him how to use his words, and prepare him for transitions with lots advanced notice. Also at this age, my two got whiny and tantrumish when hungry. Toddlers do need to eat lots of small meals because they are always on the go! Some additional cuddle time, especially during or after a tantrum might be helpful.

I never found timeouts to be very effective, especially at this age. A timeout for a tantrum is essentially (in my view, take this with the grain of salt) a punishment for showing emotion or getting frustrated. A better alternative -- echo his feelings with as few words as possible: "You are frustrated. You don't want to go. You want to play more."

There is an excellent series of books on child development published by Louise Bates and Francis Ilg. Each book tackles a year and explains the behaviors associated with that age. The books also put forth a theory that right around the half-year mark, most children go through a period of "disequilibrium," in which they regress a little bit and exhibit some really annoying behaviors. The first book is "Your One-Year-Old: The Fun-Loving, Fussy 12-To 24-Month-Old." The book on three year-olds was especially helpful!

Good luck! You are doing a great job!

Hi L.,

I feel your pain. If I knew the answer to this question, I'd be a rich woman. I guess to best correct the behavior you have to understand it. Obviously you have to shop, etc. Can you identify any contributing triggers such as hunger or lack of sleep? Within reason we have to tolerate a little bit of temper tantrum from a child of this age and some children are more prone to temper tantrums then others. Of course they need to eventually learn self control. This behavior is socially unacceptable.

A child of 19 months to about age 3 is really too young to reason with and usually is acting out on a feeling of frustration and lack of control.

Most importantly we don't want to reinforce the behavior or lose control ourselves. (easier said than done) There are somethings you simply cannot compromise on and your child needs to understand that. A little work now will yield a whole lot of benefit years down the road.

There is a battle of wills of sorts over who is going to be in control. You cannot lose this battle. If your child wants something he cannot have tell him once. (make sure you have his attention) hold his face in your hands and tell him... "Not now, mommy has to ....." If he proceeds to a meltdown. Say nothing and try to wait it out. If it passes proceed. (ignore the stares of onlookers) If the tantrum does not pass, quietly pick up your child and leave. Even if you must hand a cart of groceries over to an employee with apologies.

I understand what a hardship this is, but you cannot allow a tantrum to go on indefinately and you CANNOT give in to your toddlers demands.

Of course, it is easier if you can avoid this scenario altogether. Make sure your child is rested, fed and toileted before venturing out and then give ample warning about the shift in gear. If he is playing tell him "we will be leaving shortly to go shopping, can mommy help you finish that game?", You could also ask him to pick out a favorite stuffed friend to go with you. If your child feels he is an active participant of the plan he will be more likely to cooperate. You could allow him to help pick a cereal etc. Be sure to praise his cooperation.

Parenting a toddler can be very frustrating. Understand your previous goals of what can get done in one afternoon have to be restructured to your new life. And don't forget to enjoy every moment. They really do go by fast.

God Bless You,
J. L.

I have a 22 month old and we have been going through this the past 4 months. What's tough is that he's getting strong!
Anyhow, one important thing that I learned is that you need to give your son a familiar phrase before transitioning him to something new. Be consistent about it... "Two more minutes until we go in the car."
A huge tantrum often indicates other issues at hand, like need for food, drink, attention... On that note, I feel that consistent meal and snack times are important, or at least being in tune to times that he may be hungry.
It helps to talk to him like you are listening and express to him what he might be feeling.
Sometimes a brief "time out" in his crib might be good to help collect your frustration and his temper. I don't time mine but I will pop in as soon as he stops and goes to "mama mama". Maybe this helps.
I find that these little ones know what the limits are, or what they are just learning are the limits and they just test you. Freak-outs happen 'cuz they know you are standing your ground! It's natural. Your consistency is key.

Okay, first of all this is par for the course at this age. He doesn't have the language to tell you what he wants and you have to give it to him. When he's throwing his temper tantrums just start saying (over his screams) what you think the problem is. "Oh Johnny is so upset he can't get what he wants. He doesn't want to be in his carseat, but he has to be so we can go someplace fun today!" Say it loud enough for him to hear you over his screams and he'll probably stop to hear what you are saying, but don't say it in an angry tone just how you'd want him to tell you if he had the words to tell you. If he cries in the carseat could it be that he's not comfortable in it? Maybe the straps are bothering him? Too tight, not in the right position, maybe he would feel better with those cushy straps. Do not give into his tantrums though. Make sure that he's not doing it because he's over tired. It does get better when they get the words to tell you what's bothering them though.

I agree with Sarah - it takes consistent disciplining to get it under control, though know that it takes a long time. 1) ignoring the tantrum worked well - everytime a tantrum erupted at home I'd leave the room & tell my son that when he was done he could come to see. 2) timeouts or taking stuff away or leaving worked as he got a bit older. I would tell him what I was going to do and then do it saying that it was due to the tantrum/crying whining and over time it worked.

It started when my son was 18 months and still at 32 months he still whines (no more tantrums though, since ~ 21 months). Now when the whines start I only have to threaten and 99% of the time he stops.

It takes SO much time & effort to get them to stop but in the end it is worth it. Remember to be patient along with consistent. They're driven by emotions that sometimes adults can't even control and add to it the fact that they cannot necessarily communicate what they think/feel, which compounds their frustrations. This all at a time when they seek more independence and begin assertiveness. But it all works out in the end, with time.

I know this may be a stupid question but is the carseat comfortable. I know from personal experience that it certianly can cause that behavior. My boy was in a rented carseat and a peice of plastic was jabbed into his back for a week and we couldn't figure out why he was crying until the 2nd from the last day. I felt so bad but maybe it is something physical.

W.

I swear some kids just go through "terrible twos" early. My son is 21 months, and his tantrums started around 19 months like you son. My little boy is also Autistic, which doesn't help the situation AT ALL...
I don't have much advice to give, just support. I understand everything you just described. It could have been written about my son. Good luck and i hope someone gives great advice we could BOTH use!

Some things that have helped (at least occasionally!) with my 20-month-old are:
- Time warnings (like others have said); they do seem to help, but you have to be consistent
- Explaining to him what is going on: "We're going to the store this morning, you'll get to see (whatever he likes)", etc. Try to get him excited about whatever you're going to do.
- Getting down to his level to talk calmly to him and give him a hug, especially when he gets upset
- If nothing is working after a few minutes or so, ignore the tantrum. If it's not having an effect on you, at least part of the reason for the tantrum goes away!

Hope this helps -- good luck!

One thought... if my little one threw a tantrum and then screamed in the car, there would have been no trip to the park! It's almost like you rewarded him for behaving that way.

He's now old enough to understand basic cause and effect. If you scream and cry- you don't get what you want. Life tends to work that way anyway, and teaching him this from the start will make things easier down the road a bit.

I found that consistent (and that's the key word) ignoring of tantrums works the best. Never respond when he behaves in an out of control way. Make sure he's safe and then just ignore him. Don't talk to him, don't make eye contact. I would sometimes carry my daughter to her room and shut the door when she acted this way. Letting her know pretty quickly that this tactic wasn't going to work with me.

On the other hand, when he does listen and re-act appropriately to transitions or requests, praise his good listening ears. Tell him how wonderful it is to have him being quiet and good.
He should catch on fairly fast.
Good luck!
-S.

Sounds crazy, but have you tried taking him to the doctors? Maybe he has an ear infection or something. My kids have had ear infections before without any sign of illness. No fever, runny nose...nothing. The only thing was, when I took them to the doc and realized they were sick, I would say, "so that's why they have been absolutely miserable for the past week!!" It's just a thought!

You can't do time outs at home and not when you are out or time outs won't work. If you are going to the park and he has a fit in the car you need to turn around and go home not go to the park and play or you teach him its okay to behave like that in the car. If he's throwing a fit when you get him in the car to go to the grocery store then take him out of the car and inside your home for a time out and then try it again. Every time he does it or you will be sending him mixed messages.