Tantrums and Behaviors with 3 Year-old

A..

If anyone admonishes you,then they are jerks!!

Listen, you said there have been some changes in your lives here lately. And on top of the changes you have an 18 month old that the 3 year old just got used to, now another is on the way.

Yes, you have had changes, Oh and you have gone back to school.
What you need to do honey is relax!!

She will snap out of it.
Kids are funny little people that go through a lot of stuff in their little minds when they are little.

When she throws a tantrum, just ignore her completely.
And no reaction from you or your husband may be the key to her stopping.

She is doing it for attention, she feels left out of the loop and she is doing anything to get your full undivided uninterrupted attention.

So like I said, you need to take deep breaths when she is doing this and ignore her, yes even if she hurts herself.
Believe me, she knows it hurts LOL.

Good luck honey and congratulation on your final month of School and your new baby on the way.

1 mom found this helpful

I've got a three year old strong willed daughter as well! It is hard. I am pretty patient, my husband is not. I don't know if this will help you but here is an example: My husband makes her hot cerial today, my daughter has no interest, wants to play, etc. you have to chase her to give her a bite. he gets mad, tells her she has to eat or no movie today, etc. etc. It just becomes a power struggle. I hate to everstep but I made her some toast had her come help me put it in the toaster, she buttered the bread with her dull plastic knife, heated up some microwave sausage, she cut it up... vwalla, she was more interested in eating.
Anyway, it becomes a power struggle every day, I have found that a choice always helps and including her in the process cuts down on the tantrums. The 3 yr olds want soem sort of control. If it is within reason, I let her have a little bit of control by the choices. I have even been letting her stand on a chair by the sink and think that she is doing the dishes while I load the dishwasher. Really she is just playing in the bubbles and making her shirt wet but it includes her and she feels a little empowered. Not sure if this will help you but this is the difference between my husband and I and I always seem to get better results :) Good luck to ya.

A.: I read all your responses and notice that no one has addressed the issue of allergy. I feel for you as my son started doing the same thing. It was to the point where I didn't want to be around him which made me very sad. We found out he has a dairy allergy.

I was referred to a naturopath and am so thankful for that. We took my son off all dairy products (including looking at all the labels when you buy things at the store) It was only about a week after taking him off dairy that we had a TOTALLY different child in our home.

certainly looking at all the other things people discussed is worth looking into but I would check this out too. Good luck and God bless. R.

I am on my second three year old. So I will say this is a stage of the age. some things that worked for me (have to tweak with the second some):
-Love and Logic for the Early Years
-Choices. You can wear your coat or carry your coat. you can drink from the blue cup or the green cup for dinner.
-Chores. Mine both get (they are 15 months apart) four quarters on thursday if they do five jobs. these jobs are empting the silverware into the drawer after washing, 8 minute pick up of the living areas before bed (set timer and work together..I will get the cars if you get the Barbies and anything you want me to carry upstairs to your room goes on the couch.) Set the table. and sweep up after dinner..youwill have to go finish this later but if there is some effort for three minutes, they get a smiley face.
-More choices
-And label the anger: We call ours the Red Dragon (uhoh, here comes the red dragon). then i taught both kids healthy ways to get angry. They can go into the living room and hit the pillows or stomp on the floor. It just needs to be a safe place, away from many activity, but near to you so you can watchout. If they wo't stay in the "quiet couch" area, we put them in their rooms and lock the door if needed. This doesn't happen anymore.
-and..go get a break. I know youjust want to scream back sometimes...so put her in her room and take a break. she is not going to hurt herself if you prepare the room as safe...and just go outside for five minutes..and scream if you want.
-Last, talk about how you feel. If you are upset, talk through that feeling with her. Let her know it is normal and that you love her no matter what.
-Make any effort to say during a loving moment; You know, I love you when you get angry.

I have a friend who said when her daughter would bang her head against the wall (she was a headbanger instead of a biter) the mom would make eye contact with her to let her know she sees her and that she's there, but would not intervene. I don't know, but there's one idea.

A., when I was a first time mom, I remember going to a small store where my daughter asked if she could have something and I said "no". She completely came unglued, started thrashing about all over the floor of the store. I walked away as if I never saw it. She only lasted about 45 seconds before she was up and ready to look at other things with me. I got some very judgemental looks as this was going on, but I knew what I was doing. If you give possitive attention to bad behavior, you will get more bad behavior, however, if you find things that she does that make you happy, let your daughter know. Pay close attention to all the good things, and make sure she feels a valuable part of your family. She most likely won't hurt herself too much especially if no one seems to care (we know you really do care). I know your hands are full right now, but please understand your value as well to your family.

I noticed in your report that your daughter has quit taking naps. Do the tantrums happen in the middle of the day. I have noticed with my own children, especially one that is almost 3 that when he is tired there is no reasoning with him. Usually I will rock and hold him and he will fall asleep. Sometimes I just have to lay him in his bed, walk out and he will be asleep within 10 to 15 minutes. When he is tired he will hit, will not listen, and tends to be destructive. I would try and take note if the actions are a result of her being overly tired. I know I can be a grouch when I do not get enough sleep.

As a mom I am also concerned about the harm she is causing to herself. I have not experienced that so far. I have heard of kids vomiting because they have made themselves sick from the tantrum but she is physically causing pain to her body. Have you noticed if she finds pleasure from the pain. This may possibly need some counseling. I know that there are older kids that will hurt themselves for comfort and to be in control but never at this age. Maybe someone else has had experience with this but I would watch her closely and see if you can figure out what's behind her actions there and if it really is a problem.

Good luck

I A.,
I have a three year old who does similar behavior. I have tried many things, but finally came to a place where I thought I couldn't do it any more. So, one evening I told her that in the morning, if she started a tantrum, she would go to time out. If she yelled at me, or said no, I would have to put her in time out. I had resolved myself that I would have her in time out, screaming and flinging herself all day. But the next morning I had a long drawn-out episode, when she wouldn't get dressed and then we resolved the time out: I told her what she needed to do to get out of the time out, and she was able to do it. All I asked her to do was to apologize and then to get dressed. And voila! no more episodes all day. The next day she did it getting into the car, she often does it getting strapped into her car seat, and I put her outside the car while I sat inside and I told her she was in time out and when she could say she was sorry for yelling at me, and get in her seat, she would be out. Much better, she lasted only a few moments. And then blissfully, we had several days with no episodes. I have had small ones, where I nip it in the bud. I will say, it takes the energy to do this, and I understand what it is like to have other kids to care for and to feel sick but maybe this will work for your little girl too. I think you are a great mom, and you are doing a great job.

Take care and best of luck! I hope this works for you too.

S. - Mother of Fiery Scarlett

A., first of all you are not a bad mom. It sounds like you are truely concerned about her and wanting to find the best situation. There are plenty of moms who work and/or go to scool full time with young children. You being gone for those hours is not whats causing her challenges.

She is going through a lot of changes right now. It could contribute to her difficulties but it isn't causing them. Her behavior is sounding extreme, and I definitely agree you should talk to the doctor. You may at least get some insight on ways to deal with this, even if you may not get any 'diagnosis'.
We have been going through this same kind of challenge with my son, now 7, for years (I think he was 2 1/2 or 3 when we realized it wasn't just the terrible 2s). We never went to the doctor about it; sometimes I wish we had. He would flop down and scream and thrash around; or he would become totally unresponsive to anything around him. I even became afraid to tell him no or to discipline because I didn't want to go through another melt-down.
If you're worried about your daughter hurting herself in her tantrums (or if she is biting herself), physically restrain her. At her age, it may work best to wrap her snuggly in a blanket then hold her on your lap so she can't squirm out of it. Stay very calm and talk quietly to her, or hum or sing quietly. Think of it like swaddling and giving a big hug. (be careful to not hold her so tightly she feels squished or can't breath). It may not get her over the tantrum faster, and I know that it can be very exhausting (I still have to do this occaisionally and he's 7 - what a workout!) but she probably feels out of control of herself and needs help. And the big thing is that she's not hurting herself. Get it so that you and your husband do the same thing.
I'm afraid that you will encounter others who will question your mothering style, or look at her behavior and say something totally insensitive. Just remember, they don't know the situation and so who cares what they think! You do what is best for your child, even if others disagree.
I do want to assure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. My son is getting a lot better. Recently I realized that if I deal with his behavior as I would a 'normal' 3-year-old, he can deal with it (he's almost up to 4 now! lol). He just took a lot longer in maturing emotionally. Praise your daughter for any good thing you catch her doing, especially if you see her responding better than usualy to an emotionally charged situation ("I like how you didn't fall on the floor this time"). Hang in there!!

A.,
A week after my son turned 3, my sentiment was I did not like three.. AT ALL. It was whinning, crying, melt-downs, strong wills. I am not sure where the "terrible twos" came from but in my experience three was definitely a challenge the entire year.

The nap transition is hard and can be for several months. If you can still get naps every few days (and it doesn't make the evening a disaster) I'd try to keep them as long as possible.

I've found that discipline during a meltdown never works.. they are too worked up.

I would suggest perhaps the book -- How to Behave so your Preschooler will too" I found it helpful.

Best wishes.. just remember changes are hard on kids and they can last longer than we'd like. Try to guage when the melt-downs are happening.. too tired, hungry......

I am sure you are a great mom and I hope you don't get anything to suggest otherwise. THere are somethings we can't change.. our work schedules, being pregnant but the are likely strategies and ideas on how to work through the threes.

I know I am not giving much concrete stuff but I hope others will.
L.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I have an 18 mo old and have been reading a book called "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Havey Karp. It has some great tips for dealing with tantrums in children up to age 4, you might check it out. Hope this helps!

Frankly - it is just the terrible 3's that no one tells you about. My daughter was exactly like this throughout her 3's - way worse than she was as a 2 year old. She is better now that she is 4 - but it does sound like you have had a lot of changes... which probably makes it harder on her. We moved and I was pregnant when my daughter turned 3, and I really felt that made things worse. Unfortunately I don't have a magic fix, other than to say that most mothers of three year olds are going through the same thing. I felt like something was terribly wrong with my child until I started talking to other mothers, and discovered they were going through the same thing. My friend called it the F***-you Threes, which I think is very accurate. It is all about them finding boundaries and their independence. You just have to keep being firm and consistent. We used the Love and Logic book for preschoolers... that really helped me get some good strategies.

I wish I had a more helpful answer for you - but know that you are not alone, and that you are not a bad mother. Really it is just the age. There are things that you can do to help, but she is just figuring out how she fits into the world, and this is part of the process. My daughter is also sweet, but very strong-willed, and I think makes it more challenging.

Hello, you r not bad mom.. Ur kid had some issues.. Need to send ur kid to pys counsler and have them evaluate ur kid to see what kind of behavior and they can help you how to deal with ur kid.. Good luck.. I'm praying for u and ur family.. T.

It sounds like there are some significant changes in your family lives/schedules, and kids seem to have a hard time transitioning to a new thing in general. But they adjust and your daughter will too. Both my boys were easy for the most part during age two and both went through a tantrum thing at age three...my youngest is going through it right now. But seeing from my oldest...it does go away or change. I guess we just aknowledge what is or had made him sad, but also let him know that crying and yelling like this will not help. I often will leave the room and say that I will come back when he is ready to...(whatever we were trying to do. If it is in a store (which has happened to us) or a time when we are trying to leave preschool or something I just take him out screaming and tell him that we can talk about it after he calms down. The tantrum seems to go away sooner if I don't pay too much consideration too it. This is not to say that it doesn't exhaust us and sometimes drive us crazy...but it won't be forevever.

Hi A.,

I think we all hear about the "terrible twos" but in my opinion nothing prepares us for the "traumatic threes." My middle son had some of the same behaviors, he would throw tantrums like I had never seen. We actually avoided going places because we never knew how he would act. We took him to the doctor, a counselor, changed his diet everything we could think of. I must say there is something to be said about the diet, sugar does not do well with him however it took quite a while and he did seem to outgrow the tantrums. Now, he is 7 years old and many people including coaches, teachers, and his friend's parents tell us he is one of the sweetest, best behaved children they have ever met. At times I didn't think we were going to make it through. We had people telling us their children were the same way, and I was thinking "yeah right." But, we made it and so will you. Take deep breaths. Be consistent. When you have to walk away just walk away and count to 10 and then start again. I think the 3's are hard because they are so much more verbal and their brains work faster than their bodies allow. You will make it through this! Good Luck!!!

When she has a fit, take her to her bedroom and make her stay there by herself until she calms down. This is not the time to try talking with her. Also, if she hurts herself, she hurts herself. She will learn that biting herself isn't a great idea all on her own. If the problem is your going to school, then you really ought to make sure that the problem with the tantrums is dealt with before you be home full time or else she will think it happened because of her behavior, and then you will have a huge problem on your hands

Mostly I just wanted to make you feel better about having to go to school. I had to teach for 3 years, it was what we knew we had to do, we prayed about it, and knew it was right. Within that time frame, I had my little girl the first year and my little boy the 3rd year. You do what you have to. Don't feel bad about it, it isn't your fault. Also my little girl is just a few months younger than yours, and I have noticed some gradual changes to being a little bit more obstinate. I am at home with them now. I have also noticed that she sees her younger brother who is a wobbly walker fall off of things and cry and get attention for it, so she pretends to fall and cry. I have no idea why because I usually give her plenty of attention and she gets 1 on 1 time everyday. Sometimes it is just a matter of doing the best you can and waiting. Good-luck, but please don't feel like you are a horrible Mom. Everytime I felt like that when I was working I had to remind myself that we knew it was what needed to be done.

You are far from a worthless parent. Just reading this your love and concern are over powering.

Most kids I have met (I work in a day care) don't hit terrible two's... it is the three's. My oldest daughter did the same. This is normal to a degree. I have only heard of kids hurting themselves but never witnessed it. My guess is it for a reaction from you.

3YOs want to get their opinion out but don't have the language to talk about it so it ALL comes out in anger.

Try making "feeling faces". Simple face drawings that you can put on your fridge or in her room. When she is in a good mood make a game out of learning the feelings. When she has a meltdown... deal with it (not saying your aren't) in a firm, matter of fact, and consistant way. When her time out is done or she has had a chance to calm down... talk to her about her feelings and what happened. "You seemed really sad when I told you that your favorite show was not on. I am sorry you were sad. Next time use your words to tell mommy you are sad instead of having a meltdown?" Show her the sad face. This will start to give her the power to express herself.

With my kids... we would put them in their rooms until they calmed themselves down. Timeouts didn't work for us. They learned that they can have their tears and be mad, but they wouldn't disrupt the family doing it. We always talked about why they were upset and them moved on.

As for the biting... I would suggest talking to the DR and asking for tips.

Parenting isn't always fun. But the good times make up for the though ones. My oldest was the worst of my 3 kids... she went back to her sweet self shortly after she turned 4. 3 is just a big growing year.

Congratulations on the family and your graduation. You are a great mom!

I'm sure you are right and it will be so much better when you are able to be home full time. You are just dealing with the natural effects of trying to better yourself as a mother. Try not to let yourself feel guilty. It is SO important for you to finish your education. I don't believe there's going to be permanent damage. When she's older she'll understand how important education is through the sacrifices you made. It sounds like she has a LOT of changes lately. I'm expecting in May of '09 as well and my 4 year old is already responding to that, just like she did with my last pregnancy. I've been down in bed a lot, also. She just started preschool, as well. It's a lot of change in their little lives. She was HORRIBLE with my last baby. For the last 6 months of my pregnancy she was a completely different person. Even though she's excited and understands this time and really wants us to have another baby, she is extra whiny, there's extra lying and flat out disobeying. She's one that gets so upset that she passes out. Scary. It happens a lot less now. She's been throwing more fits lately. We deal with those as we see fit, but recognize that she's reacting already to the change of the new baby. When the baby came last time, after 2 weeks she was back to my sweet sweet girl. They can totally sense the changes and they can't verbalize their distress. It may last awhile longer, or get a little better. Try to keep your patience. The tantrums sound a lot like my very strong-willed daughter, also. When she gets that way, she stands in a corner for 4 minutes, regardless of screaming, then she sits next to me or daddy while we discuss what she did wrong. Occasionally, the screaming is honestly too much for me. I make her stand in the garage (with the light on) until she can stop screaming. I stay by the door so she can't come back in. Probably sounds harsh to some people, but it works. She gets NO attention from anyone in the garage and soon loses the desire to scream. I explain that screaming is using her outdoor voice, so if she's going to do that she can be outside in the garage until she's ready to stop. Just a thought for the strong willed tantrums. I know they're hard! I'm sure you're doing the best you can, just keep trying! I think 3 is SO much worse than 2! It gets better!

You might try reading The Happiest Toddler on the Block. It helps get through those times.