Talking to My Young Children About Suicide

V.,
I am so sorry for your loss. My parents just committed suicide before christmas. I have been doing a lot of research on this subject because my two year old son seems me "sad." Also, I want to know what is appropriate to tell both my sons about their grandparents when they are old enough to ask.
The concensus seems to be not to follow our first instinct and "sheild" the kids even at a young age. Suicide is something they can understand, and by lying to them about it, we are only increasing the stigma already placed on suicide. Young children also have the right to their grief.
I would suggest if your oldest daughter wants to go, she's processing the information and probably would appreciate the opportunity to do some of this emotional research on her own. Instinctively, adults will not share the "yucky" details with her. And anything she can't handle she won't process. I have met a lot of people now that have never said, "thank goodness my parents sheilded me from finding out." In fact, it's been the opposite.
The kids have the capacity to understand suicide, but also that it is wrong. In fact, they have a much better ability to draw those lines than adults because their thinking is much more black and white.
I would encourage you if not letting your daughter go if she wants, to at least tell her what happened and let her process it. That way, she can take that important journey from thinking about her uncle more than just in the manner that he died. If she's able to process that, she and everyone else can look past the suicide and remember the person.
I know it's hard and it's against everything we think we should be doing as parents at first glance. I revealed in my struggle with this, that I am doing my job by teaching my children how to deal with life situations, and that they don't have to just be happy all the time. It's important that they learn to deal with all their emotions, and not learn to stuff them and have issues later on. My son will catch me sometimes and say, "mama, sad." At first I would try to tell him no, I'm fine. But now I say,"Yes, Mamas sad sometimes and that's ok." His ability for empathy at this young age is astounding, but had I shielded him from it, he couldn't practice that skill.
You have all my compassion and respect during this hard time. Blessings!

I think you are right in your case about not taking her. She is a little too young and if your husband is in no condition to be there with her with out her knowing the details, its probably best for her case.

V.,
I can remember going to my uncles funeral when I was that age. I can also remember being bored and just hanging with the other kids when the service was over and also not really totally understanding what was going on. I was aware what suicide was and he died of lung cancer so it wasn't the same as your situation.
I am thinking tell your ex that you think that perhaps the age of your girl is not the age that she can fully understand what is going on and she would likely be bored. It is kinda like going to church at that age...I can remember an aunt taking me since I never regularly went and i couldn't wait for it to be over.
Even thinking back about my uncles funeral...it doesn't upset me because even though there were upset people there...I didn't understand it in the way that an teen or adult would.
I think either way you are probably ok. I think the only thing I would worry about is your ex driving while upset and also keeping an eye on her...I guess you can tell her to stick close to her dad.
I just wanted to relate my personal memories on this subject. I don't know how other people remember these things. I hope this helps you.
S.

I am so sorry for your loss and especially the circumstances surrounding it. I really do not have any advice...but I will say that we are never really "old enough to understand the reason behind someone doing something like that." It sucks. Period.

That being said, perhaps your husband could speak to his mother. Or, pehaps you could have a family friend take your daughter to the service. Someone that can sheild her from the truth. Although, I would hope that it would not be an issue. Remember that a funeral is a time to honor the deceased--not to discuss how they died. Maybe the "gory details" will be left at the door.

Sorry I can't be more help...good luck. Traci

Would you be able to go with the girls to PA then just let the oldest go to the funeral with her dad? THat would limit her exposure and you would be there to field questions. Just a thought.

I am in the process of seperating/divorcing my ex and there are so many ups and downs. I am hoping we can get to where you are with visitation and finalizing everything soon so we can just focus on our son.

First of all I would like to ask if your daughter was close to her great uncle? Parents often wonder whether they should incude their child in a viewing or funeral or even burial. They worry that it might be too tramatic or that they are too little to understand, however children should be included. Death is a part of life, and grief is a part of the human emotional spectrum.Honestly sometimes at our age it is hard to understand why people commit suicide. I think she is a little young to be given that detail. I think you handeled it fine. If she continues to ask details, ask her what does she think. She may have her own child definition. Stick with it and if you feel the need to go on with the conversation then do so.Always listen. Children teach us new things everyday.

Follow your intuition and heart. It sounds like you already know the right thing to do for your kids. Good luck.