December 25, 2007,
S.A. asks from Fort Worth, TX on October 02, 2007
Talking to My 16 Yr Old About Sex...
i'm at a loss... my 16 yr old son just lost his virginity and i'm livid... i'm thrilled with the fact that he told me, and we have talked about using condoms and such, but he's looking for a man to talk to. i don't know what to do!? the closest person to a father is my ex-boyfriend whom i was with for 5 yrs, and he's off doing his own thing with his new girlfriend. any advice???
So What Happened?™
First, I would like to thank everyone who responded to my issue. Second, I would like to let everyone know, about 2 weeks after my son had sex with the girl, they broke up. My son regrets his decision to have sex with her, cuz shortly after they broke up, she began trying to get him to go back out with her, basically just for sex. He was not ready for just a sexual relationship, even though he admitted he liked it, but he's still human, and he didn't want to feel like he was just a "sex toy"... I am very proud of my son, he is wiser than I ever expected. He has lots of "girl" friends, and he respects them all. Some even call him their best friend. Thank you all again.
R. answers from Dallas on October 03, 2007
Several thoughts here.
Talk to your son, be honest, your female and don't
know all the things in regards to the male side. Tell
him he showed you that you can trust him by his telling
you about it first hand. That you have 2 things you
want from him. Be open with things to you. And use
a condom for 2 big reasons...you don't want him
getting any sexual disease that could end up
killing him or a child.
Talk to your dad, your brother. Family can help.
If your dad is not into that type of talk, your
brother may be able to. A man to man talk is more
factual due to just the fact...I am a man and this
is how we work type of thing.
Then you go down the line, uncles in area you are
close to? Then if you go to a church, a male you trust,
a male teacher you trust, even your son's dr will be
a good asset *if not male, male physicians assistant?*.
Don't just think moral in lines of church, think moral
in line of safety and knowledge is the best course for
Don't make you son fear women, just be open that some
will lie to get what they want, and sometimes
there will be one who is after a baby for welfare,
or a baby to get the man she thinks is well off
1 mom found this helpful
J.R. answers from Dallas on October 04, 2007
I know at a few high schools in the Fort Worth ISD, they have sex counselors from a women's clinic go in and talk to health classes (these classes are both male and female students). They go in for 6 weeks to health classes and talk about positive aspect of abstaining from sex, etc. But, knowing these are kids, they also talk about how to put on condoms, show pictures of std's, what to do if you do get pregnant, etc. Maybe call the school he goes to and ask if they have such programs (ask for the counseling department). They may offer such a program at his school.
G.A. answers from Dallas on October 03, 2007
Talk to a Pastor, this is a moral issue and when I caught my son with girly mag I was also upset. Went to the doctor but they have no answers. I have a video that I could loan you but would really need it back. I bought three one for my daughter and son but I do not think they ever saw it. She explains a lot about how when we have sex over and over not committed that after awhile we have given the best part away and can not get it back when we find someone we really love. It has been a long time since I saw it but it is well worth a try. Kids never listen. Dr Phil says that their brains are not developed and that is why they make bad choices. I know how you feel. My ex and I refused to get birthcontrol to my daughter and son and then my kids father first ex's wife took them in and first thing she did was give consent by getting birth control. It is a hard call. If you give them protection are we saying we do not trust them and are giving permission? Also if we don't then we risk diseases and briths. Of which my daughter got pg. My son also had a daughter and son out of wedlock and who knows how many others. I am raising one the mom was so bad. I cried a billion tears raising kids and even my step daughters. Both active young. One was just good a lying. The other had three kids to three different men married two after children were born and one before but she is not with any of these men. I hurt for her and her future.Some times I think if my daughter had kept that baby maybe she would not have had the freedom to rome as much but then I would have been raising it and refused to. I wanted to enjoy my husband. Then he left me. The girl's parents also need to know what she is doing. You do not want to look in a room and find a pg test like we did. But I called an attorney who had a daughter who was communicating with my daughter and sad if every month she was not pg. These girls were 14 and one gal got pg by her dad's best friend. Sad stories. They was all in New Orleans. We moved from N and they could not adjust so rebelled big time. My daughter is happy just dating older men. My son is a mess. Drugs and wish my daughter had told more as a young child but she still does not communicate to me at 30. G. W
C.C. answers from Dallas on October 03, 2007
I just want to say that I think it is awesome that he told you! That says a lot about the relationship you have with your son. I would ask him what answers he is looking for and to give his questions a try on you......he may be surprised to know that mom's know what they are talking about too....it isnt just a "guy thing". You can talk to your son and answer his questions, but still tell him that you think he should wait, if that is your opinion! Best of luck!
A.J. answers from Dallas on October 03, 2007
OMG, I Don't really have any advise other than maybe a church pastor, counseler or family friend but I have 3 small boys and I am dreding the day...
I find for myself that honesty is always the best policy and being open with him now will allow him to feel like he can come to you later with other things... Good luck, AJ
C.F. answers from Dallas on December 25, 2007
First - focus on the positive. He talked to you - I work in the field (reproductive health with adolescents) and am considered by some an expert on the issue - and TRUST ME - a teen son telling his mother about ANY sexual experience is amazing.... many males won't even discuss issues (jock itch/pain etc.) so it's miraculous that he even told you.
Second - cut yourself some slack - boys need men - but as life would have it - real men (meaning grown ups emotionally rather than simply men by age alone) are very hard to come by - even mothers with fathers at home struggle to get the dads to talk to sons...
YOU can be what he needs for the time being - the key is to make yourself a sounding board - ask questions - direct him to quality sexuality education websites - especially those that focus on open information with values infused. Challenge him to think through his feelings - his fears, his ego issues, his questions, etc. It is amazing how much you can change young men's behavior choices by providing information.
Give him what you've got! You're a woman - you know what women want/need - and how women interpret things.... teach him that - give him an inside view... ask him how SHE experienced the sex... did he please her? was she scared? does she feel more attached now? did she do or say anything that left you wondering??? These questions are good for him to think about but they also put males back in a mental state (rather than where their genitals take them) and allows them to re-think choices based on broader perspectives.
What I'm saying is that if you focus on the opportunity you have becasue of the tremendous relationship you have with your son - and put your energy there - you will be able to impact his choices more effectively - and more long term. If he really thinks things through - he will probably see what we mom's know - teen boys are not ready to carry the burden of sexual intimacy with teen girls. They don't know what girls need from them and once they know - they become aware that they don't have what girls need. They aren't capable of making the level of committment that girls truly deserve.
My opinion of course.
L.A. answers from Dallas on October 03, 2007
I definetly understand him wanting to talk to a male about this, but before you have someone talk to him about sex, whomever it may be, make sure and talk to them first about their views on sex. Not everyones views are the same, especially men. It should be someone you trust, that will not only talk frankly about sex, but will also try and steer him in the right way. Just because he is no longer a virgin, doesn't mean he has to keep heading in that direction, but if he does, someone needs to be brutely honest about the responsiblity and the consequences that come with playing an adult game. You also might check with his school counselor. Birdville High School in Hurst has a program which is very open and very honest about sex. His school might have one, too. Good Luck.
T.N. answers from Dallas on October 03, 2007
Wow! He told you says a lot! Now, I would try once again to have him talk to you. If it is a guy thing, as much as we try we don't know it all about what they go thru, then consider who can you get to talk to him. If you go to church, your preacher might would, or a dad of one his close friends, or a coach or teacher. Do talk with them first about their views on the subject. Hope this helps. Keep the great open relationship you have with your son.
D.T. answers from Dallas on October 03, 2007
Do you have any male family members-brothers, uncles, etc that would talk to him? His doctor would be good, too. A trusted male friend from your church? I understand this issue from the opposite. I was a teenage girl living with my dad. No matter how close you are, it is awkward at this age. Good Luck!
C.P. answers from Dallas on October 04, 2007
To whatever degree your son is comfortable with it, I think it's important for you to talk to him first so he knows what your thoughts and values are. Beyond that, I would recommend seeking out a youth minister - at your church or another church (if you're not active in a church or if your son is not comfortable). Ideally, a young/hip youth minister that understands the pressures modern teenagers are up against and is constructive and helpful instead of judgmental.
Even a college-age or just-out-of-college guy at church could provide a perspective that your son would appreciate.
And your right in being thrilled that your son confided in you. That indicates you guys have a solid foundation. Good for you.
C.P. answers from Dallas on October 06, 2007
I really believe even though you're a woman, you can still have an effective conversation with your son, because it comes from a place of unconditional love and concern for his future. Kids are so pressured by their peers and by media (The O.C., The Hills, etc are just a few shows that glorify experimentation)While you might have to learn some of the finer points of male sexuality, you already have something very important you can share with him, and that's how women feel about sex. The main thing you can discuss with him is respecting his body, mind and spirit, as well as respecting the girl's body, mind and spirit. Sex too young or prematurely has a negative effect on all three. Like all the other moms have said, it's refreshing that he was honest with you, and you don't want to do anything to jeapordize that. No preaching, just talking. Best wishes to you and your son.
M.W. answers from Dallas on October 03, 2007
It was terribly brave of him to tell you! I have no advice, but want to beseech you to not show anger toward him. It took a lot for him to tell you; I'm sure he spent lots of time working up the nerve to do so. And good for you for talking with him about condoms! I don't believe that showing our chidren how to protect themselves does any harm whatsoever. If we have swimming pools, we can put up gates and guards, but we should also teach them to swim.
You must have a wonderful relationship with your son for him to be so open and honest with you. Well done!