Talking to Girls, About Boys......

I agree that you should ask her what having a bf means. And if you haven't already, have a serious talk with her about sex and relationships. I don't think that having a bf necessarily means that she's having sex, but it's best that she has the correct information. I used the book "It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing up, Sex and Sexual Health" and I think it's great.

You just simply talk to her. Ask her questions. Like what does SHE think it means by having a boyfriend? What do they do? How did they come about being bf/gf? I'm sure its something simple like they just hang out during lunch and recess. But you need to ASK her. And then take it from there. But you do need to find out why her grades are bad now and why shes secluding herself. That doesn't sound good and I would be worried about that. Good luck.

Just approach her and tell her that you had a boyfriend in 5th grade, as well. Ask about him. Ask her what's his last name? What's his favorite food? Just ask well, 11 year old questions. Ask her why she likes him, what they do at school and leave it at that. Once you get her talking, she'll tell you everything. Don't forbid anything, because she'll learn to lie. You WANT her to come to you with ANYTHING.

Don't ask her, initially, if they've kissed. BE interested and she'll tell you everything. When she gets home from school, as her how school was. Ask her if there was in anything she really liked from any class. Then, ask her how (insert BFs name here) is.

Have you discusses sex yet with her? If not, you may want to....not initially, like on the 1st or 2nd conversation because that might make her feel really uncomfortable....but definitely soon. When I was in 8th grade, there was a 7th grader pregnant....and I hadn't really even kissed a boy!

Also, discuss the responsibilities of growing up and that having a balance in life is really healthy and important. If she's in a relationship, be that was it is, she needs to be sure she's giving proper attention to her school work and chores at home. Example, being you and your husband, but also not neglecting the kids, housework, and/or work.

The "American Girl" book series is for girls this age, and their Moms.
They have one on boys. "A Smart Girl's Guide to Boys (American Girl) (American Girl Library) [Paperback]"

This is a good series for girls, for Tweens.
It has many topics. And is easy to read.

A girl this age does not even know, what a "boyfriend" is nor about their bodies or urges.

I recommend getting some of these books.

Amazon, will have these and the reviews of it.
Any bookstore, has this series.

I would think the lines of communication have been wide open all along so she feels ok to come to you to talk and not be judged or "banned" from doing sometihng. When you talk to her, have an open mind and just listen..... don't say much.

She is 11, and in the midst of body changes, etc and it is scary. BF's are not like they are for 11 yr olds vs 17 yr olds. It is a passing fancy to have a BF but most of the time, all they do is text or sometimes meet in groups for the movies (although 11 is a bit young in my personal opinion for the group things). I allowed my daughter to go on group outings around 13

We encouraged all of daughter's friends to hang out at our house. I lvoe that aspect of having my home where they can hang out, play pool, Wii, etc and I know what they are doing vs some parents I've been made aware of that just leave them alone and try to be friends vs parents.

I would be concerned about her grades. Ask her why they are down, is something else going on? Communicate with the teachers to get a feel for how she is doing in class as far as participation, getting along with other, etc.

When parents'ban" BF's and certain friends, the child will certainly be more attacted to the activity that is banned. As her about what her "relationship" is like. It is probably nothing more than sitting together at lunch, letters, etc.

Keep your lines of communication open so she know you have her back no matter what and she can tell you anything without you getting mad. I know that is hard to do.... I just went through it with my 17 yr old calling me up on the phone on the way home crying and telling me she just got pulled over for speeding. I thanked her for the honestly (you don't realize how many kids just hide it and it makes it 10x worse) and made sure she knew we would work through it together, even though I had to revert back to carpool line while her car keys were taken for a month.

Hang in there mom, you will do well. This is the beginning of a long, sometimes difficult process but very rewarding as well.

My son was 12 when he had his first girlfriend. I would not have wanted him to hide it from me. I would honestly sit down with her and talk to her about this boys and why she likes him and is he a nice person and all that stuff. I would not tell her she can't have a bf cause she will probably do it anyways. You want her to learn to be open with you. With my son I can even use his gf as leverage. If he does not do his cores or something or is mean to his little brother he looses his phone and can't text her or on can't go see her the next time they are supposed to see each other. Talk to her about her grades and tell her if she does not bring them up she wont be able to talk to him.

Good luck and God Bless!!

What has she been doing while locked in her room? Does she have a phone? Has she been texting with this boy? You need to find out her thoughts and what she considers a boyfriend to be. 11 is very young. Too young for a boyfriend IMO.

I would let her know that her responsibilities and priorities are her school work and her family. Anything or anyone that is interfering with those two things needs to be either limited or prohibited.

If she still seems preoccupied and/or her grades aren't coming back up, you will have to issue more serious consequences. Set the precedent now so that she'll be used to this as she gets older and boys become more a part of her life.

This is also a perfect time to remind her about valuing herself and her body, and the risks & consequences of promiscuous behavior.

Depends what her definition of boyfriend is. Tell het if she wants to spend more time with her guy friend grades gotta come up.. And now is the time to have the safe sex/ good idea to wait till she's older deal instead of later when the hormones may make her not listen so well

I pretty much agree with that most of the other mom's are saying. I would ask your daughter what having a boyfriend means, and take it from there.

The one mom that said that having a boyfriend at this age means they are sleeping together is totally off the mark, in my opinion. My son is 12 and what I have seen from he and his friend's is the relationships consist of eating together during lunch and texting each other. Some of them do go to the movies but that is always w a group and chaperoned.

Someone mentioned the American Girls book about dating. I am unfamiliar w that book but did get the book about your body for my daughter. It was excellent so highly recommend their books.

As far as her grades slipping, that would concern me so I would talk to her about how you remember how exciting it is to have a bf and remind her school is her job and she can't let her grades over a boy.

If the relationship continues outside of school, I would talk about staying smart, how boys think w their male anatomy, and sex with all it's consequences.

Good luck!

My daughter just turned 13 last week. She has had a few "boyfriends". All this means is that they sit next to each other at lunch and school activities, text each other, and sometimes go skating in a large group. However, nothing changes, she still has all the same rules and expectations. She can't spend anymore time texting or talking on the phone, grades have to stay up etc. I would talk to your daughter and find out what having a boyfriend means to her and why her grades are dropping, and why she wants to spend so much time in her room. I personally wouldn't ban having a boyfriend because I would want her to still tell me things ya know? Instead, just make it clear what your expectations are for her and ask her why she didn't tell you in the first place.

Dont worry about it. She's 11 and if she cant have a healthy 11-year-old relationship then you gotta be a really bad parent. Not letting her see him is stupid and controlling. Just talk to her like you normally would and chances are she'll talk about him.

(From experience, whether or not they should be allowed to date, the girls that cant have the !@%$ moms)