Talking Back

My daughter has been the Queen of Negotiation since she left the unterus. Everyone says she should be a lawyer, so it's not that bad (unless u live with it, right?). What I found very effective was that I would give her choices from the get go. When I woke her up in the morning, I would say, "Do u want one minute or 5?" When I was givng out cookies for dessert, I would say, do you want 2 or 3?" Obviously I was planning on givng 3, but if I did that, she would always ask for more (whatever it was). She always wanted to one up the ante (and still does). Now she is 13, and I see, her general behavior is very good when I see how other kids act with their parents. Don't worry, we still have our moments like any mom/daughter, but this way really limited whining and arguments. Another trick I learned from a grandma, was to constantly reinforce what the limits are beforehand, and then remind them during, then after if necessary. For example, when we went to the playground, I would tell her before we left the house, "We are staying until 3:00" and show her what 3:00 looks like on the phone (I don't wear a watch), then before we walked into the playground, I would get down to her eyelevel, and make sure she was looking at me, and say, remember, we leave at 3:00. When I say it's time to leave, you have to leave. You are not allowed to ask for more time, cry, scream, tell me you want to finish a game, we leave at 3. Do u understand? If you do that, we can't go to the park, OK? What time are we leaving? What are we going to do at 3:00?" etc. It really made things a lot smoother. As they get older, i vary this theme. I always ask her to repeat it, I did it with her friends too when they came over. Also, with good manners, when I would bring her and her friends in after playing in the snow, I would say as we stood in front of the door, "What do we do before we go in? Wipe our....." and they would enthusiastically yell "Feet!". Kids love to be right and when you tell them "Very good, you are so smart!", they do a good job too. One more thing, sorry this is so long, but timing her worked too, when I would say let's see how long it will take you put all the stuffed animals back in the basket, on your mark, get set....not yet....GO", and the anicipation for the GO, she would get and place and cudn't wait to go. And I would count. Then the next time, I would say, let's see if you can do it faster than before. Good luck!

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Sorry, but it sounds like he has you trained, instead of the other way around. He knows how to pull your strings, and is enjoying it. Do you provide him with positive attention? If not, he'll crave even your negative attention. It's not going to be easy to fix overnight, ( you've already let it go too far ) but whatever it is that he enjoys doing, or wants, etc., it is time to remove those things away from him, until he is willing to listen to you, and earn them back. Make a game out of it. He will eventually learn that his actions have consequences or rewards, and it's more fun to be a good boy with Mommy.

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Hi N.,
I agree with Diane. Consistency and consequences. My daughter gets privilges taken away from her if she talks back to me or I send her to her room until she changes her attitude. The same works for my 2 yr. old, who does not have temper tantrums, but shuts down(she won't do anything at all or cooperate with me) every time we go to try something new or different than what she is used to. I have a corner(her room is too much fun) with her name on it, that every time she doesn't cooperate, I send her there until she changes her attitude. It took some time at first, but now she gets the drift. I do not allow disrespect or disrespectful behaviour, not to me or to other adults. If it persists, they become bigger kids with bigger attitudes.

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Dear N.,

Although books are great and very informative I can save you some time consistency and consequences. Those are the two things needed to enforce positive behavior. After raising my own kids and running a child/care center for many years without those two ingredients you will surely have behavior issues. You have to find their favorite thing, books, movie, toy, whatever it may be and take it away. Do not threaten and not follow through. I am big on warning though, they need to know what they have done wrong. Get down to their eye level, give a firm warning, change your tone, and tell them if they do not do as they are told this will happen and then DO IT!! Once they see you will follow through eventually you will just have to warn because they will know you are serious. You were right raising kids is by far the most challenging and rewarding job you will ever do. Good luck!!

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Ignoring his debating is the best course of action. Fighting just gives him the attention he wants. As far as having the last word, let him, as long as you dont give in to his getting his own way. When you ask him to put away his toys and he starts to refuse or ask for 5 more minutes, give him 5 more minutes and then tell him its now or never. If he doesnt put them away, take them away. WITHOUT argument, debate or anger. Simply put them in a bag and remove them. He will have a fit, but ignore it. Next day tell him he has 5 minutes to put his toys away. Then tell him 5 minutes is up, put them away. If he doesnt, remove them Immediately. No arguments.
If he refuses to get dressed, or whatever, dont argue, just warn him of a consequence and then follow through. Expect many fits, but he will figure out that you wont debate and mean what you say.
I never could understand why kids are rewarded for doing what they should be doing. Parents should be teaching kids that doing the right thing is its own reward. Do you get rewarded for doing the laundry or cooking dinner? Hopefully someone tells you dinner was good and thats reward enough. Likewise tell your son he did a good job, when he does as asks with no debate. However dont bring up the fact that he did not argue. IGNORE all mentions of arguing. And dont have to get in the last word. Trust me it wont work. I have a 16 y/o that always has to have the last word. He has since he could talk. if I say stop, he says ok. If I say dont talk any more, he says I wont. Its quite funny really. When he is on the phone he has to say the last goodbye, even in IM's with his friends he has to type the last word. I just look at it as part of his 'charm'.lol

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4 1/2 is still very young, so you still have time to nip this in the butt! Try hard not to fight at all, though. Arguing with him will encourage his inappropriate responses. You are the mama, and you make the rules! While he needs to feel heard and respected, negotiating during a conflict will make him feel like he calls the shots.

During this behavior, I would be very firm (though gentle). I would remove him from the situation, and give him a time out in a specific place. (A short one- he's still young!) Arguing, talking back, getting the last word- these are not allowed! When he's calm, after his time out, then have a discussion about what happened and the consequences of his behavior. Not during it all, though!

It'll take a while for it to sink in. Your son sounds really smart, so it goes with the territory. But you're still smarter! :) And you're in charge. Time outs can be extremely effective, even if it takes a few in a row every time. Plus, they give you the break you need to calm down, too.

We have three sons and our middle one is very much the same as you're describing in your child. I think it's a combination of attention getting and them learning somewhere along the line that there is a chance that they will get their own way. I once heard a psychologist on TV say that it's a lot like a slot machine - no matter how slim the chances, someone will keep putting quarters in - just the way a child will try to get his way if there is a slim chance. If there is absolutely NO chance of winning, the behavior will eventually stop. Give a warning ahead of time when telling a child to clean up or switch what they are doing and then stick with what you say after the warning. I take my 4 year old by the hand and bring him to whatever it is he has to do. Good luck!

My middle child was somewhat like that too, but a reward chart worked very well with her, as long as we were consistent with it. My sister in law swears by the system called Systematic Training for Effective Parenting. She swears that it works wonders.

Hi N.,

I will say that this isn't going to be all that easy in the beginning, but try and read "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. I have 5 kids at home. Their ages range from 3-14 and I have had success with some of the ideas from this book. After you read this book you must stand your ground or it will not work. Go to www.revellbooks.com I think it is around $18. Well worth it in my eyes! Good luck. K.

Hi N.,
I would not negotiate with him. If he argues or says no, I'd respond very firmly, "I am the parent, I am in charge, and I say YES." Let him know that there is no negotiation, that as the adult the last word is yours. I do not believe in rewards for behaving in the way that you expect him to behave. The reward is knowing that your parent is happy with your behavior and that you are not punished. Kids need to behave how you want them to, without expecting a reward in return. This allows them an option. It's time to be firm about rules, respect and authority. Let him know that if he argues or is defiant (saying no), that there will be a consequence, and implement it. Don't play the argument or negotiation game with him. If he sees that he is in a situation where he never wins, he will stop.
Good luck

Hi N., Oh yes, one of my sons was the same way. We were sure he would grow up to be an attorney because he debated every point. I had to remind him that I in fact was still the mom and he did not as yet know everything, neither did I. At times I would just not listen to him when he was so disrespectful and would also give him right when he was. Kids are people, just small and you should treat them with respect when they deserve it. He is now almost 27 and a very charming and successful businessman. I am still the mom and we respect each other. About your son, does he see anyone get away with this kind of behavior? There is nothing wrong with a strong personality when used in the right direction. He will not have many friends if thinks he has to rule the roost. My best, Grandma Mary

N.,

Sometimes you have to sit them down in a room that is distractionless (like I would use the kitchen floor in a pinch).
Sit face to face, Indian-style, knees to knees and put your hands out palm up. Ask him to put his hands on yours (without holding them).

Tell him you need to talk to him, and keeping it in very simple terms (less is more) tell him there is something you need to talk about. I would go for the big issue first: There are things you need to do for me to know you will be safe.

Talk to him, then ask him to talk to you, and listen. You might learn something you didn't know. Be sure to ask why, and follow up on each item you bring up, and he brings up.

Another idea is: www.Flylady.com

Part of getting things together in the morning is getting some things together the night before. She has a lot of ideas, and free email (and now text message) reminders are available.

Talking back WILL become the norm if you don't curb it now (I don't say stop because once there is a habit, YOU can't stop someone else cold turkey. They have to decide that, and no reasonable incentive you give is going give him reason to change his behavior.)

Good Luck,
M.

We had the same issue with my 4 year old daughter, and she just seemed to snap out of it a few weeks ago. Mornings were also particularly bad, and we had also tried reward charts and reverse reward charts with no success. I'm not sure what the magic button was, but picking out her clothes the night before really helps, and she realized after a day or so of behaving in the morning that she would have time to play before school if the morning goes smoothly. Good luck - I know how frustrating it is!