Taking Children to a Funeral

We've taken our kids to several family funerals, and some for friends. You're right...it can be a tricky situation. We've used this time as a way to show them the ending of life, which is a part of our lives. This is also a time to talk about our faith with the kids. Both my husband and I talk to the kids before hand telling them what to expect (for open caskets something like: "There will be lots of people crying, and if you want to cry, it's ok, but you don't have to if you don't want to." or "you'll see a body of great-grandma laying in what looks like a pretty box, but we believe her soul is in heaven. Our soul makes us who we are here.") The kids can take what they can handle from our words, and then seem ok. (...or "mommy and daddy might cry because we're sad. Will you hold my hand like I hold yours when you cry?") If they have questions, we answer them, and encourage them. In my experience, death is scary mostly because we are not around it so much or don't understand it. When we treat it as "just part of life," it makes it easier to deal with.

The other thing we do with funerals is to remind the children what kind of behavior we expect. Being quiet, sitting still, etc. For the funeral, I'd take "quiet toys" for them to play with, so we wouldn't be setting the kids up for failure, but setting them up to succeed. I have not been disappointed in their behavior....I have always been surprised at their comments or questions, but that's the joy a small one's perspective brings!

We've also chosen not to take them to funerals. Could you get a sitter? The thing that decides for us whether or not to take them is more about us....would you be ok NOT being there to support your husband? Sometimes it's better to grieve while caring for youth as they're the future, not the end. Sometimes it's better not to have the children.

For me, I often choose to go. I talk and talk to the kids about what they'll see, what I expect, etc., and my husband does the same. I think it's important for them to understand the whole life cycle....but when you choose to teach them is entirely up to you!

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Your answer was in your post and you didn't even know it! :) Don't bring them. If you can't get a sitter then just have your husband go. I kind of feel like I wont' have my kids go to any funeral/memorial service until they are much older. Just not worth it to you or them.
Good Luck on this one!
:)

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Are they having a luncheon???(Is it close enough that you and your Husband can go separately??) I would have your husband go to the funeral..(and I would meet him with the children at the luncheon or the grave site..(Something more low key that it is good to have the children at) at it is good for them to see his side of the family when you know it a better environment for them...(and that way you can be there to show your support also...)

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Hi A.! My sympathies go out to you. My husband's grandmother passed away a couple weeks ago too. It's a hard time. I think it's very important to talk to kids about death and to prepare them for the funeral. It's a "life" experience that they should know about. It's extremely important to be honest with them and not to tell them that their great grandmother is sleeping (if it's an open casket). By doing this, they may become afraid of going to sleep because they think they will die. Anyways, being open and honest will be the best I think. My sister in-law has kids the exact same age as yours. They went to the wake and funeral. They were good. My daughter (21 months) sat through the service too. It was a long Catholic service too. It was amazing that all the kids sat through it.

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I always bring my daughter to funerals. It will help her for the day she is close to the person who has passed. So far she hasn't had a hard time because she wasn't close to any. She is very very fascinated with death and funerals and loves to go look at the body in the casket. Will ask to go look at the casket over and over.

I went to my first funeral at the age of 17 a step grandparent. It was hard to get used to the funeral and very uncomfortable for me even though the person dead wasn't a big part of my life. My mom then died unexpectantly when I was 19 and I'm so glad I had atleast been to another funeral prior.

So that's why every opportunity I have I bring my daughter who's 6 years old and has been to a handful of funerals already.

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When my grandfather died almost two years ago, we took our the 3 1/2 year old. BUT I was EXTREMELY close to him. He was more like my father! My daughter had lots of contact with him and still talks about him. We chose to bring her because of their bond also and because we wanted to make sure she understood that he was "in our hearts still but we can not see or touch him" We wanted her to understand that Grandpa did not just leave. It was very difficult for us because I was going through such a terrible time but we felt it was necessary. I can not express how comforting it was to have her with me either.
However, you are not close to this person. If you did not have regular contact and this relative did not influence your daughter, I would explain the situation and hire a sitter. I am sure you and your husband will be there for more comfort to his family correct? As long as there was not a strong bond with her and your daughter, there is nothing wrong with leaving her behind as long as you do explain the death to her.
Just so you know, I had a very hard time on the one year anniversary of my grandpa's death. When my daughter asked me what was wrong and I explained the anniversary of it to her, she really helped. My precious sweetheart told me "we should be so happy now mommy, because look how big he has gotten in our hearts!" We do make sure we talk about him to her and now that my 9 month old son is here AND named after him, we talk to him about Grandpa too. It is important that they do not forget this wonderful man who loved so deeply.
My sympathy is with you and your family during this difficult time.

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When my daughter was 5 1/2 I took her to her great-grandmother's wake because I knew she couldn't sit through the funeral. She was very interested in viewing her great-grandmother's body, which was pleasantly surprising. I knew she'd probably be okay attending this event, but I did have a backup plan in case things went badly with her.

From your posted question it sounds like you know your answer already. I think you should get a sitter for the kids and let the adults have all the room they need to grieve without frightening the children. Nobody can blame you for choosing to attend the funeral without your children while they are this age.

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I HIGHLY recommend that you take them to the visitation/wake assuming there is one. It is so important that they see someone that has died so you can walk and talk them through it. This is a perfect experience when you will not be emotional. Your daughter, especially, will have lots of questions and THIS is when you want to answer them. You do NOT want her first experience of this to be when its someone special to her when she'll have the same questions in addition to the emotions. You don't need to stay long at all. Just go in, pay your respects, get down to the kids level and talk to them about what is going on. It is a very valuable time to talk about your faith and heaven and make concrete what has, up to this point, been so abstract.

If the funeral is the only option, you may inquire to find out if the casket will be open prior to the service. Go early for the viewing and then skip the service. Taking them to the cemetary is also a good experience for the same reasons that I mentioned above.

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I agree with those who recommend bringing them. It's beneficial for everyone including the kids, whether they act out or not. This is not only a farewell to loved ones, but the purpose of funerals is to support the bereaved and its a time of bonding and reconnection. Children can bring a sense of hope and comfort to those suffering loss. Especially the elderly. For your children its important for them to see their family, and even the relative they are saying goodbye to.

I have brought my children (from ages 41/2 to even as young as 1 years old) to all of our family funerals. They are normally very rambunctious. However, I have learned that children are quick studies, and can read the tone and scene around them. My children adapted quite well and were surprisingly very well behaved. The elder relatives seemed to go from hopelessness to happiness seeing their progeny that they will soon leave behind. My grandfather said seeing his grandsons made him proud of the legacy he and his deceased wife will leave behind. My children learned about death but were not frightened nor upset. They still ask about their great grandparents and really enjoyed seeing the pictures of them when they were young at the funeral, and hearing their stories of when they were young.

I think death is a part of life, and children need to see where people, places, and even how they themselves fit in the tapestry you call your family.

You know your kids well. Plan accordingly so that you have an escape plan if they get too antsy or do seem to bother others. Otherwise bring them and be family.

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If they have never been to a funeral before, it probably is good to start them off with a distant relative so they can see the workings of it without having the immense feeling of loss.

We took our kids which were about the same age as yours to our neighbor's funeral. They asked a lot of questions about what was going on but learned a lot. They are now more comfortable with going to them.

I remember going to my great grandma's funeral when I was about 5 and the only thing I really remember was playing with a Hardee's kid toy during the visitation. (I guess I also asked my mother why we couldn't just put my grandma in the closet and look at her whenever we wanted to, so there was some explination with that one.)

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You know, as sad and somber as funerals can be, sometimes...they can actually be sort of fun because you get to see family you haven't seen in a long time, or meet new family. Especially with older people like the passing of grandparents because they have lived a long happy life and so the funeral is sometimes in celebration of life, vs. a life missed because the person died too young.

Eventually, your daughter will have to learn about death anyway and since she doesn't have a huge connection to this grandparent, it's a good first experience. If her first experience is for someone close to her, it will be harder for her to accept since the entire process will be a shock. This way, she can process the info logically, instead of emotionally like she would if she were to lose someone very close to her.

We brought our 2.5 yr old to her great grandmothers funeral. She knew her a little which is to say that she saw her a few times a year, and remembered her alive and not feeling well and in alot of pain. Then, Great Grandma's passing was her passage to God and being in heaven. It opened to door to talk about who else is in Heaven with Grandma, even pets. She was fine with her passing, and she behaved very well at the event. It was great to see family who came in from out of town who don't get to see our daughter much and some met her for the first time, and we got some great family photo's so it was nice that she was there. I'm glad I brought her. Plus, we weren't all busted up crying a ton because grandma had lived a long happy life at wanted to go to heaven for a long time, so for her, passing was really a blessing, not a curse. In my eyes, this is a good opportunity to bring your daughter. Explain that she might see people, or even you or her dad crying, and that's ok. It just means that we'll miss the person until we make our trip to heaven someday when we're old, and see them again. Keep it simple.

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I see it as a perfect learning experience. Eventually they will have someone close to them die and you will want to take them. My thought is taking them to a funeral of someone whom they were not close to will give them the experince with out the emotions attached to a funeral. They will get to see what it is like, learn about death, and get all their questions out of the way. Then, when someone close to them does die, it will be easier for them, since they already know what to expect (so do you) and know what a funeral is all about. With out question, I would take my kids. This might actually be good for your dd, if she is troubled about death. It will bring out any questions she may have and could be a good place for her to learn more - chances are she has ideas in her mind which are not true, so this could clear anything up for her. As for your son, I would give him clear rules and expectations ahead of time and bring lots of quiet activities for him to do there. Most people are not bothered by children at a funeral and actually are happy to see them there as a reminder of how good life can be. I am sorry for your family's loss.
S.
mom of 3 and daycare provider

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My grandmother died recently and my husband and I took our 4.5 year old twins to the funeral. They were very curious about the process & about what the man at the front was doing. Since then they've been asking a lot about death, especially because we had to put my kitty to sleep about 2 weeks after the funeral.

They did very well with a few quiet toys (some color wonder paper and markers, and a felt storyboard toy) at my grandma's funeral. It was nice for them to see how we say goodbye when we lose someone we love. We had had a few talks about death before (like after watching Charlotte's Web), and while it upsets them, I felt it was good for them to understand that death is sad, but it's a natural part of life.

You know your children better than anyone else - if you don't think they would react well or be unable to sit through a funeral, then don't take them. I wouldn't feel pressured by the family to bring your children for someone they've never met if it's going to be disruptive. When my husband's grandfather died, our daughters were 18 months old. We attended the funeral with them at my FIL's request, but I sat in a "cry room" during the actual ceremony because I knew there was no way they were going to sit still or be quiet. That might also be an option for you - most churches and funeral homes have separate rooms, so you could come with your husband and the children to show your respect and support, and then allow your husband to attend the funeral while you supervise the children elsewhere - and then meet up with the family after the funeral is over.

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Get a sitter. Your kids will have time enough to attend funerals of those they know and love. Go with your husband to support him and give yourself closure. It also helps other family members when as many as possible attend, but little ones need to be sheltered from this sort of thing until necessary.

SAHM of seven

Hi A.,
It is important for your kids to learn about death. But you still have plenty of time to teach them if you don't take them to this one funeral. You may be showing your husband support by not taking the kids so he can grieve in peace. Seems to me, your cons outweigh your pro's for taking the kids to the funeral. I think it will be a better teaching moment for your kids when it is some one that they knew and were close to.....my condolences, CK

Get a babysitter and go.

Whenever we have a funeral to go to that is family close or not, we always take someone to watch the kids at a park or a relatives house during the funeral, then afterwards at the meal when everyone gets together we get the kids to come with. It works great so that the family that doesn't see the kids very often all get to see them. Ussually all family members with younger kids agree on a house to take them to so that the cousins, friends, etc.. get to play for a while also. I am sorry about your loss.

I would suggest hiring a babysitter and going to the funeral without your children. If it is out of town someone in the family should be able to help you find a sitter. There is not point in dragging children this young to a funeral for someone they did not know.

If I were you, I would not take them to the funeral. Only because they never knew her and your husband wasn't close with them anyways. Read books to your child about death and dying. Your husband should go. Good luck.

kind of sounds like you already know your answer...my suggestion would be find a baby sitter

Hi A.,
My parents took me to the funeral of my grandmother when I was about 7. Even at 7, going to a funeral had a lasting impact on me, and not in a good way. It scared me and made me worry. This most likely had a lot to do with the fact that my folks didn't talk to me about death.
But in any case, I can say personally, I won't do that to my kids because I know how it effected me.
-C.

Since your kids never knew this great-grandma, I would not bring them to the funeral. Even if they knew her, I still would not bring kids this young to a funeral, especially your 2 year old.

I wouldn't tell your 2 year old anything, just that mommy and daddy are going out and he is going to be with a sitter. He's too young to understand death, and since he never knew this woman, he's not going to be missing her or wondering where she is.

I would tell your 4 year old that a relative of Daddy's that she never met had died. If this is her first brush with death, she may have lots of questions--there are some really good books out there to help kids understand. She might also be wondering why she never met this great-grandma, so have your answers ready.

I have a lot of experience in this. I work in a nursing home and see death and families mix often. If I were you I there is no reason that the children need to be there and your husband family should not expect you to bring such young children to a funeral. Try and get a babysitter, so you can be there for your husband.

A.,

I would have someone watch the kids, while you go to the funeral with your hubby. I would just tell them you are having a date. They don't need to know more then that. Do you have any friends or family members who could help you out for a couple of hours? Just a thought.

You might first want to see what your husband's parents think--they may have a strong opinion either way. If they are supportive of the idea, I say go ahead and bring the kids. If they get a little fussy, you can always take them for a walk through the cemetery and point out some of the headstones and flowers. My children have been to our family funerals and it has usually worked out fine. The only snag we ran into was at my husband's grandmother's funeral, my daughter (almost 4) became really upset when her grandma was walking with a niece (who's parents had already passed so she really had no one else) instead of her. I should have prepared her better that relatives may not be able to pay her the attention she was used to.

If the children did not know the deceased, they should not go to the funeral. It will not mean anything to them.

We have had lots of experience, sadly with this sort of thing, and I HAD to take one of my sons to a funeral that was during the day, due to the situation, and it was not good for them. BUT when they KNOW the deceased it is a wonderful opportunity to talk about death, and your families beliefs on the subject, and for them to say good bye.

Have your husband go to pay his respects, if you can get a baby sitter, it would be nice for you to go as well. But leave the kids at home.

A.;)

I wouldn't take them since they are young and were not close to her. I would either try to get someone to watch them while you go with your husband or stay home with them. I think there would be too much worrying about how your kids are going to behave to allow you're husband and you to grieve properly. We had this same situation last year and I had someone stay with our kids while I went with my husband. That way we could focus on honoring his grandma.

Funerals can be very emotional and upset a child who tend to pick up on the vibes around them. I suggest you have someone watch the children while you are at the funeral and if you feel the need to have them around then maybe pick them up for the reception that is usually held afterwards. We did this for our 3 kids when their favorite uncle passed away. They weren't subject to the sitting still time but were able to visit with aunts, uncles and other relatives and were a much needed distraction when things got to tense. Hope this helps you with your decision.

nope, only when they are small enough to not get it and you can keep them occupied with snacks and a nap. Then not until they are old enough to not act up.

Is the funeral going to be close by? Or far away? If close, can you hire a baby sitter or have a family friend come watch the kids? If far, is there someone close to you that you can bring along to watch the kids during the actual funeral?

With them never having known about their other grandma, I'd say don't bring them.

however, if your husband is going to be grieving at all, or you are anxious about this, the kids will pick up on it anyway. If that's the case, I think I'd tell your daughter what happened and why daddy's sad.

Unless this was someone who the children are close to (which your chilren are not) do not take them. Please try to find a babysitter so you can be there in support of your husband.
There is no need to subject your children or the funeral attendants to any unnecessary outbreaks that may happen.
Best of luck to you! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

~J.

What do you mean that your daughter "would be troubled by it"? I have been to visitations (wakes) where the little ones don't even pay attention to what is happening. They usually are running around with their cousins or friends and not concerned. The funeral might be another issue, because they need to sit.

Our oldest son was about the same age when we had a relative die that he knew. He was very upset, but not because they died, but he was concerned what was going to happen to them. All he saw was a pet being buried and he thought that was how they buried people. We talked to the funeral director and he helped us alot with the issue. We took him to the funeral home before they took her to the church and showed him what was going to happen. He never got upset again.

I suggest you talk to the funeral director or pastor and see if there is a book or maybe a way of presenting this issue to her. The funeral director told us the worst thing you can do is make them afraid of the situation, we need to explain it to them honestly. I hope this helps. It is difficult to give advice if you are'nt sure what the issue is.

Hope everything goes well.