Tacky or Oversensitive (2 Scenarios)?

Oh my goodness. Both horrifically tacky.

I wouldn't go to the wedding (a polite RSVP is fine).

I don't know what I'd do about SIL. It's important not to create family drama, so I'd probably bite my tongue and get on with life, but sheesh.

Mamas, can we all agree to teach our children better manners than this?!

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Yes, tacky and tacky.

Theoretically, registering itself is kind of tacky because it si basically asking for gifts, although it is common practice these days. It is a commercial process invented by stores. Gifts are about giving and showing affections and brides and moms to be should be greatful for anything they receive. I would probably just get the new mom a useful gift NOT off of her registry out of spite. She should suck it up and be grateful.

Older adults with established homes should not ask for wedding gifts at all and I would NOT give them money. I might give them a card with a lovely inscription. Truth is they aren't saying "we don't need gifts" they are saying "we don't want you to pick any gifts for us, just give us your cash"!!!!

Also tacky is organizing a group event and not paying for it. If they are inviting you to attend, they should pay. What are people thinking these days??

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Of course both of those scenarios are tacky. Supposedly, etiquette about mentioning gift registries on invitations has changed because Babies R Us, Crate and Barrel, etc says it's okay. I get so annoyed when I am instructed what gift to buy. It's a gift, not an admission fee for the "happy celebration". I'm glad to hear that you're not attending the wedding. You can wish them well without going broke.

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ALL very tacky! I am embarrassed for Princess. How ridiculous. Yes you are right, if she got something she didnt want she should take it back and shut her trap.
And if "Wedding Kitty" wants everyone to attend, she needs to flip the bill for your hotel. I wouldnt go.
Your inlaws are something else.

Wait, you have to pay for your meal too??? Good greif!!!

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i dunno, i find myself in the minority here by quite a bit. the SIL is tacky in her life overall, i guess, but since she's been totally trained to be that way, it's not surprising. but putting her preference on the gift register? why not? i personally don't care for registries at all (also a minority position, but i love the weird surprises that result from unsolicited gifting) but if people have them and consult them, what's wrong with having some specifics in there?
her wording does leave something to be desired. but she's a spoiled princess. it's how they talk. they're not going to be sweetly delighted with anything they receive gift-wise, so this is one of the few cases i'd opt for a gift card and be done.
the destination wedding is clearly an occasion where they are taking it for granted that if you can afford to come you will and if you can't you will send a card with best wishes and a polite decline. as for the kitty, they're giving an option for those who feel they really must give something, not demanding a donation from their guests.
i really prefer occasions where gifts aren't an issue and aren't mentioned. oops. i'm a minority again!
:) khairete
S.

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Neither invite was tacky. You'll find support in this position if you research the history of registries, and check ettiquette books. Many high end stores will also dictate what is or isn't tacky to request on a registry.

In the case of the baby registry, the point of a registry is to give the mother-to-be the opportunity to express her wish list and to let guests know what her baby bedroom and furniture themes will be and what types of toys and clothes she thinks she'll need.

Tacky would be for her to say something about getting Winnie-the-Pooh sweater or blanket or other items after receiving it as a purchased gift. Prior to the party is perfectly tactful, and in many ways a great favor to guests looking for gift ideas before they spend money on her and the baby. It also prevents people from constantly calling her to ask what she wants. Or worse, saves her the hassle of returning a double gift, or something can't use at all, back to a store later.

You as a guest are not obliged to buy her gift from the registry, nor are you obliged to spend a certain amount of money on gifts. If you want to buy her Winnie-the-Pooh even after she expressed that she doesn't want it (perhaps she's decorating the baby's room in a certain theme) that is your choice...but don't be surprised or disappointed if she's not happy since she let guests know at the appropriate time and place (the registry) that she doesn't want these items.

If you can't afford her tastes in gifts, it is perfectly appropriate to buy or make her something that fits your budget. It would be tacky for you to purposely buy or make something cheap out of spite. She may not be aware that is what you're doing when she gets a gift...but the karma'll be out there. You give a gift out of love and celebration for the new arrival. Lighten up and get into the spirit of the occassion...don't make it an opportunity to judge your SIL who you don't like.

As for the Aunt and her expensive wedding dinner... I agree, in this economy it is a real burden to put unrealistic expectations on less fortunate relatives, but this is unfortunately life.

Once again, their requests are not tacky in themselves. This sounds more like a "reception cocktail party" which means it would be very informal rather than a traditional wedding dinner. There is nothing wrong with that...especially since it is a second marriage scenario. They probably don't realize it creates a lot of stress and guilt for those who can not oblige without hardship. Or maybe they don't care, as they're not expecting huge turnout the way a young, 1st time couple would. Unfortunately, unlike the high buck baby registry, you only have two options in this situation; to accept or decline invitation, and risk the political or financial fallout that may follow.

In this case, I say the needs and well-being of your immediate family should come first. I would politely decline, and save your sanity and money. This doesn't sound like a family event on the order of a holiday dinner, or a long-standing family tradition. So, the political fallout of not attending probably isn't as great as if you were to miss Christmas or something like that.

If they press, be honest and say it is just a bad time for you right now to spend that kind of money.

As for the suggesting a donation to the "kitty fund"...pretty normal request at high buck affairs and parties, and not considered tacky. In fact, in some circles it has become "tacky" to accept gifts when you're at a certain stage in life where it would be considered "excessive" or "unnecessary" since you already have so much. To put things in perspective for you, in these cases, it is perfectly okay to not donate anything at all. It is not expected of you, and it is not tacky not to make a donation. They basically let the guests off the hook by giving them the option of making a donation or giving no gift at all.

Bottomline, don't take the invite personally. They're just covering their bases by inviting everyone, because it would be tacky for them not to do so. Hopefully they'll understand that not everyone will be able to afford the event, and will not take it personally if some decline.

Be sure if you don't attend, a wedding card and well wishes are still sent their way. That is always good protocol.

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Scenario 1 - WHOA! I think she is being tacky. I understand having nursery colors or themes and asking for items to help with that, but to not let people purchase clothing for the baby is just wrong. A lot of people enjoy getting to do this. If I were you I would either buy her diapers or just get her a gift card. However, I would be careful with the amount of the gift card because she just might be expecting more than you are willing to give her.

Scenario 2 - I have never heard of a wedding kitty. If I were you, I would just send a card and a check for whatever amount you see fit. I would not spend that kind of money if they are not close relatives.

Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

I think both of the things you are complaining about are not that big of a deal. Maybe it's a little tacky to tack on these "nuggets" of info when you register but I wouldn't really think twice about it. I wouldn't waste any time thinking about it, that's for sure. I think you are being a little sensitive to things (I sometimes am too sensitive to certain things too ;) ) . People are not perfect...we all have our little faults. Anyway, if the aunt's wedding just feels too pricey for you then you should skip it. If you think you can afford it and can think of it as a fun little vacation, then go and enjoy!

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You paint a mighty cruel and ugly picture of your family here. I think you're over sensitive, and getting rotten advice because of the picture you've painted of your family members. lWe don't know these people, and our opinion shouldn't matter. Furthermore, if this is a question of tacky, our opionion of their demeanor has no bearing on whether their invites are tacky or not. It's apples and oranges.

Tearing up a person's character is tacky too. Whether it's true or not, it is just plain tacky and wrong. It isn't your place. If you're doing it here, you're probably doing it everywhere and don't even realize it!

Do yourself a favor and don't make the mistake of being tacky by letting your feelings rule how you respond to these invitations. Protocol requires you to respond in kindness, nothing more.

Their requests aren't tacky if you take your personal feelings about these people out of the equation. Keep things in perspective. You have the right to decline or accept them.

Do what best fits your financial situation, which sounds like in addition to your negative feelings, is also a concern, (and a valid one) and be done with it.

They're your family. Short of disowning them, you need to learn to accept their ways or you're going to become an equally rotten person. There's nothing classy about being bitter or judgemental.

Do your part. Be a good relative. Let them suffer their own foiables on their own and stay out of it beyond what ettiquette requires of you.

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What has happened to manners?!

Both are very tacky. Telling people what not to buy you? So tacky. You register for what you want, (mentioning the color palette makes sense) and that's the end of it.

The aunt with the second marriage, again very tacky. You need to pay for your own dinner AND they want you to kick into the kitty? What's the kitty for, their meals?! Wow. Even if they weren't financially set, that would be amazingly tacky. You have the reception you can afford to pay for, you don't invite people to pay for their own meals!! I'd just politely decline and that would be the end of it. When you invite people that don't live locally, you expect that many may not be able to afford it even if they are close relatives and you don't take it personally if they decline. That's life. (Half of our wedding guests lived 500 or more miles away)

I also wouldn't send them any money as a wedding gift. I think money gifts for weddings are for people starting off. They got that the first times around and clearly don't need seed money if they've got 2 homes and can afford a trip to Belize and early retirement. Sounds like they have a great life, I'd be happy for them.

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There is a "text box" on the babies r us registry that asks about nursery decor and color. Most people (myself included) simply put "primary colors", "pastel pink", etc. They DO NOT put on there "please don't buy me the following: ". YIKES- so so tacky! Sounds like someone really needs to grow-up and be gracious, but probably not going to happen

I really dislike the aunt's whole scenario. Really? I don't even like cash bars at weddings b/c I don't think people should have to help pay for my party! There is absolutely no reason for them to have people paying their own way at their wedding! For what it's worth, it is in poor taste to mention gifts on an invitation, especially "cash please" for people who don't need it.

Money doesn't buy class or knowledge of basic etiquette...

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Allright-these people are totally tacky. Just goes to show that money cannot buy class. Charging $20 and then asking for kitty donations is ridiculous-seriously I can't imagine how they even remotely thought this would be OK. IF I were you I would not go if this is not in your budget. If you must let them think you are going but bow out at the last minute due to "sickness". IF you do go then I would skip the $20 dinner entirely and I would also give them a gift rather then donate to the kitty.

Oh-and the SIL request on the registry-outragous and very tacky.

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Tacky tacky tacky.

You do not invite someone to your wedding (or to dinner) and then tell them what their share of the meal is, and more than you invite people to your home and inform them of what they are to bring. You scale back and put on an event you can afford, or have a smaller guest list. Weddings on a budget include cake & punch in the church social hall - not a bill for "guests" to contribute to.

A gift registry is designed to be a helpful list for harried friends, not a dictatorial listing of things that are considered of high enough quality for the recipients to even consider using.

A destination wedding for a large group is designed for 2 purposes: to show off, and to limit the guest list to those who can afford it. A friend of mine wanted a destination wedding in Bermuda - but she only invited her immediate family and not everyone else. So no one felt the pressure to kick in for air fare and hotels. It was her dream location but she didn't expect anyone else to subsidize it!

Don't go to the wedding because it will break you. And ignore the baby shower listing of how tacky you all are that you need such guidance! Give a neutral gift, if you feel the urge, in the box from the store so they know where to return it. And if you don't get a gracious thank you note in a reasonable amount of time, do not give these people any more of your energy!

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Mother of God what is wrong with people?!?!?! For the millionth time, you don't mention gifts on an invitation. EVER. Even for a baby or bridal shower, the registry info is included on a separate card and not on the invitation itself. The wedding thing is just beyond tacky - the only place a wedding gift should be alluded to is in a separate card enclosed with a bridal shower invitation. No shower? No gift mention! Who does this?? And why doesn't someone at the print shop who makes these call back the customer and tell them that this is not done?

Regarding the shower...because a registry is literally about gifts, it's not as bad as the wedding invitation but it could have been worded more tactfully. There are always people who will buy gifts that are not on the registry so if a couple has a strong preference regarding colors/themes or lack thereof, there is probably a delicate way to phrase that preference so that someone who is buying off-registry doesn't get them something that they will hate and either return or donate. I know that when I get a gift for someone, I try to get something that the person will like or use so knowing that someone hates primary colors or cartoon characters is helpful (of course I would shop from the registry if possible anyway but sometimes things are out of stock when I go shopping so I have to wing it). The way that she worded this was a little blunt but no, I don't think it's inappropriate to mention this on a registry, just do it with some tact.

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Holy over-react AND overthink, Batman!

Choose something from the registry and either send it or take it to the shower.

And if you cannot afford the wedding (on YOUR own terms) don't go!

She may be "childless and wealthy" but that doesn't mean she's a complete dolt. She should pick up the Fri night tab, but she's not. She suggested the "kitty" as an option.

Funny how moms think that ALL BABIES should get their own showers but a second wedding of a financially stable childless woman....now you're talking crazy!

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Yes, it is all tacky.
The wealthy couple should consider a charity to accept donations for. It would seem way more gracious..

Of course here is the deal with people that have money.. They may "Have Money", but it is all in paper and so they do not "Have it" on them or always available to them.. But to people like us, "having money" means having savings and being happy not to have to depend on it.

The SIL is a Princess and so I am sure everybody knows she is above tact and manners. It is always more gracious to give a guideline and then to take back what you do not care for.. Just smile and oblige and be thankful, you are not in the middle of that mess..

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I think the wedding is more tacky. So many of us are struggling now, prices keep going up. This wedding couple are fortunate to have a comfortable life and don't need the kitty. I would send a card congratulating them and regrets you can't attend, no gift.
The baby shower? I can see the point about detailing what she wants so many Moms don't like the character stuff and it would save her the time taking stuff back. You could send a card with regets and a gift card, or a gift for an older child. So many people get newborn or 0-3 clothes for a shower and all of a sudden baby has outgrown everything. You could pick up a cute outfit in 3-6 or 6-9 month size or contribute to a large gift like a stroller, high chair, pack-n-play.

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I'd say that the first is acceptable, but then again... People should be going off of a printed registry anyhow... Which no one seems to do anymore.

The second... I'd send a message that said (something like), 'I'm sorry, but we will not be able to attend. This is not in our budget right now.' And just send $25 for not attending.

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Tacky? Probably, but the kind of tacky you laugh with your hubby over, not the kind you actually take offense too.

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Too tacky for me. I would send a congratulations card to the couple that just got married. No, money or any gifts. And I would probably do the same thing for the shower. I can't stand people that are so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see the big picture.

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I can't say anything about other registries, but I do know for a fact that Babies R Us does have a section for the parents to be to put added notes, requests, etc. I am pregnant with my 4th baby and my pastor's wife asked me to compile a list of things I need/want since my third baby was supposed to be our last. I didn't have anything so I am starting out brand new again. I decided to create my "list" with Babies R Us (online) and I did include a blurb of things, in addition to the registry I created. I wanted folks to know that I'm having a girl, what items I already have, additional things I would need that the store did not carry, and I also was so bold to include that I'd prefer a wide range of colors rather than all pink. Here's the thing about registries: People will look at and decide they either cannot afford the selected items or they determine on their own to get something THEY believe you will like/love/appreciate. For example, I put on my registry that I need/want ONE package of newborn diapers. I got 6 packages! What in the world will I do with 6 packages of newborn diapers? Oh somebody bought the one pack from the registry alright but others went to the local stores and bought more. I do not necessarily believe it is tacky to say specifically what you want/need/prefer. That is the point of the registry. What I do believe is tacky is for them to appear ungrateful should they get things they didn't like/want. Yes, they can always take it back. I got a bunch of things from my shower that I have already taken back for store credits. Yes, it is a hassle to do this but in the end, what's important is that everyone has a good time at the shower.

As for the wedding scenario, there is no set amount that anyone is obligated to give as a gift. If all you can afford is $25, or $20 or $15, then that is your gift to the couple. Since the party/wedding is out of town and you would be expected to pay out all that money, I'm with you: decline to go. Send a card of congratulations with a monetary gift...or not. It's not required and should not be expected.

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Tacky....somewhat...but it's who they are and most people who know them well, probably accept it for what it is......

IF you want to attend the celebration for your aunt, do so....If you cannot afford it or do not feel like attending, send a card and a small gift or donation to the "kitty".

For the SIL, review the registry, find something you feel is appropriately priced for your budget and buy it...If you find nothing, go with something you really liked for your children or the stand-by of diapers/wipes or a giftcard. *You can direct this to your friend, since I would assume she is the one who would be attending?"

It isn't for you to decide what they deserve based on your perception of them or the fact that they are "spoiled" or "financially stable".....It is your job as a member of the family to offer your congratulations and gift something for the new baby or send a small token or donation for the new marriage.

It may be frustrating to see people in a better situation than yourself and to have to buy for/gift people who have been handed a charmed life or have made a decent life for themselves and are a bit clueless about your life situation, but being bitter about it or trying to play tricks by sending ridiculous gifts, is much more tacky......

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Wowsers you've got some tacky ones! Personally I think you should thank them both cause no matter what you are like, honey they just make you look more WONDERFUL! ; )

To me you seem very caught up in the money part rather than the tacky part. Both scenarios are tacky. No it shouldn't make a difference if the person has resources as far as them receiving a gift (asking you to pay a cover to attend a dinner is a different story). A gift is just that, a gift. You should give gifts in celebration because you want to not because you feel an obligation and if you do feel an obligation there is no need to spend an exorbitant amount of money. If the cases were exactly the same but both couples earned $20K per year it would still be tacky.

My MIL's friend is getting married (she is a widow) in April. She and her husband to be are well off (he owns his own business and she retired early and is pretty much set for life). We have purchased a gift for them even though they have the resources to purchase said gift for themselves because we want to celebrate their love and marriage.

I don't think it is tacky for the Babies R Us registry because it sounded more like a "heads up" to me. With my son, I felt I was having a boy but the sonogram was not able to confirm because of his position so we stayed with neutral and some blue (because it is my favorite color). Besides, a baby girl can wear blue but a baby boy really shouldn't wear pink. With my daughter, I didn't find out w/ the first sonogram but when I did I mentioned to my sisters (who were throwing my shower) that they could tell the attendees that I was having a girl but to please not go ALL Pink and I don't care for Winnie the Pooh. Since those are things I knew my family would do I had to specify. I was appreciative of everything I received, even the pink Winnie the Pooh dress (at least it wasn't something that required me to listen to Winnie talk which is like nails on a chalkboard). Nothing wrong w/ pink, I just didn't want to drown it it (I prefer blue and purple).

As for how she is treated like a "princess", she can't do what they don't faciliate. If they didn't treat her like a princess, she wouldn't have a reason to expect to be treated like that. I blame them more than her (and by the way, who doesn't wanted to be treated like a princess now and then).

For the wedding...no gifts would have been sufficient but I wouldn't care what they wrote...I 'd do/give what I wanted. I would mail a card saying congrats.

Scenario #1 - On the baby registry, yes, I think it sounds ungracious and snooty. And totally unnecessary, because if I have your registry in my hand to read those comments than I was already planning on buying something off your registry. I hope motherhood helps your SIL to mature because she's in for a rude awakening when she finds out her needs will no longer be the #1 priority. Sometimes having a baby can change these self absorbed types for the better.
Scenario #2 - Very tacky to make wedding guests pay for their own dinner and very tacky to mention a slush fund. Since they have already had a destination wedding I can only assume that the party is really a get together with their local friends and I wouldn't attend either. That's ridiculous. Send them a card and wish them well.

Your SIL sounds like SIL. She put the same on her baby shower registry - No clothes and if you do, bigger sizes. She invited 175 people just for the gifts and she own't even be opening the gifts at the shower. She expects people to just drop off at a table and leave.

Sorry I don't have any advice - just that I feel ya and it drives you batty seeing how rude they can be (and how spoiled!!)

As far as your SIL goes, I think the Mickey Mouse comment is a bit tacky, but at least she's being honest. Some people love Winnie the Pooh or Mickey for babies and others do not. The neutral comment is okay to me, because she may want to use the items for future children. It sounds like she's spoiled, so I am guessing this is better to put it in writing than to make a verbal comment in front of everyone at a baby shower. I know the top of the registry is for things like that "it's a girl/boy, we want neutral colors, baby's room is in X decor" so I do not think that is a huge deal, to be honest.

As far as your aunt, you did not say whether or not she has been married before. I realize she's older and much more set financially, but I still believe any woman has the right to have the wedding of her dreams, at any age! That being said, I would think that the kitty comment could have been skipped because if people did want to buy them a gift or give them money, they will do it regardless if it says no gifts or not.

the whole situation is tacky. If I was you I would buy them a gift card and send it in a card and say happy wedding sorry we couldn't attend. Finances just don't allow for it now. Hope you have a wonderful day.