Swim or Not to Swim

I just had a similar experience. My two year old loves to swim with mommy and daddy, but had a 15 min private lesson and cried the WHOLE time (not just whining, but full out crying). It broke my heart, but I let him stay in with the teacher and did not go in.

My thinking (hope) was that he just needed a few times to get used to her and the surroundings. The same happened when I first started leaving him in childcare during church and he ended up loving childcare. He now asks to go to church all the time. It's paying off. The next time we went he said he didn't want to go, but once he got in the pool with the teacher, he didn't cry at all. He ended up laughing and smiling during the lesson. I think he is adjusting.

I'm going to stick with it because I think it's impportant for him to learn to swim. I think a good teacher is necessary. She was very good at distracting him and trying to make him laugh. She would sing songs and say "let's go give mommy a high five" and I would wait at the other end of the pool. Then we clapped and cheered when he did it. I don't know if that would be effective for a four year-old though -- my kids are only one and two. Good Luck!

One other thing I noticed is that she started out by saying "why don't we just sit on the top step," then she let him pick a toy out of a bucket, then she just picked him up and eased him in. She didn't ask if he wanted to go in -- he for certain would have said no. Like I said, the first time this strategy produced tears, but by the second time he was in and seemed pretty happy.

1 mom found this helpful

I urge you to continue the swim lessons, but change one element: leave the pool area. I suggest discussing this idea with the swim teacher and your daughter in advance and separately. Some children do better in the beginning without the parent being there.

I would have a short discussion with your daughter letting her know that you will not be there for the first couple of lessons (or handle this any way you normally would when you discuss preschool drop-off or leaving her with a sitter), and you will pick her up promptly when the lesson is over. Additionally, promise her that you will attend her last lesson, so that you can see what she has learned; then finish with a reward that you find appropriate for the occasion.

Removing yourself from the equation eliminates the potential for melodrama, and lets your daughter get down to the work of learning to be water safe.

This worked really well for our son. Good luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

Keep taking her. She will get over it. I taught swimming lessons every summer during my high school and college years, and soooo many kids will cry dramatically the first few days, and then will be completely fine after that, and swimming by the end of summer. What you might consider is leaving the pool area (or at least sitting out of your daughter's view) during the lessons. You'd be amazed at how much more kids act up when their parents are there, and then when the parents go away, the kids are fine. One other thing I noticed was that sometimes kids do better when they wear goggles. For whatever reason it freaks them out that they can't see underwater. (My 5 year old won't put her face in the water without goggles, but she swims like a fish with them on.)

Try private lessons. I have taught swimming for 22 years and have found that the fear of the unknown is what gets to them. One on one works and I have seen many children through what I call "Feat Factor" in a one on one situation, it builds their confidence. I am in santa Rosa if you are interested. ###-###-####
C. :0)
Best of luck! My advice - be patient, it comes in time.

I have 2 4-year olds. It is a priority for me that they become water safe so that if they ever fall in to a pool or other body of water, they will know how to get themselves out. I would make sure that the teacher of the swim class has experience with preschool-aged children - i.e. the psychology of that age, so that s/he knows how to deal with them in an age-appropriate way. We have tried several different types of swim lessons in the last 2 years - group, one-on-one, at the Y and through parks & rec, and private tutors. All have taken different approaches to my kids' various phases of enthusiasm about being there. I think it's important to have an experienced instructor who can be fleixble with however your child is going to respond to the situation. I also agree with the moms who suggest that you not be there during the lesson. I have found that, in most class situations, my kids do better when I'm not there (I can observe from afar without them knowing I can see them, or I get feedback from the teacher)
Good luck, and don't get discouraged. It's important to make your daughter water safe!

Hi M., i feel that if you do not continue to do the swim she will not get over the fear. just do it little by little but i feel that she will eventually get over the fear. if she wants to try and then sit out, that's ok to. but dont give up you do not want her to have the fear being so young and then get older and be around her friends and still have that fear. i had my daughter in softball and she got hit with the ball, she did not want to play after that, but i encouraged her to continue and gave the support needed which she felt more comfortable. she continued to play and i am so glad that she and i did not quit.

take care and good luck

Hi M.,

I used to teach swimming lessons to people of all ages. I would recommend continuing the lessons. This was only the first lesson. Try to find out what the problem is - maybe it is a separation anxiety thing & ask the teacher if it is ok for you to sit closer to the pool for a couple of lessons & slowly back away further from the pool with each lesson.
As the teacher, I have had many criers & that is actually normal. Try and make her stick with it, and the teacher should be trained to handle this situation in a very gentle manner. Ask the teacher what he/she would suggest you do as well.

I recently enrolled my son in swim lessons and he did the same thing. My son also loves the water, we go camping on lakes, boating, loves his grandparents pool. 1st few days of lessons clung to me and would not let go. I got in the water with him. Eventually when he knew what to expect he was fine. It is just something new. Even though you did this with you, you were there. Give here some time. I have observed this behavior in other children this summer. If you can't get your money refundd, let her sit on the concrete and watch. Don't pressure her, you don't want her to associate swim lessons with being scared, let her do it on her own. She will see, even if it is on the last day, that everyone is having fun and will get in. Good luck.

I went through the same thing! Try taking her to open swim at the same pool. Maybe if she goes in with you and sees how fun it is, then the next time she might feel more comfortable. While I took my daughter to open swim, the instructor even came over, threw the ball to her and they were laughing and got to know each other with out all the commotion of the lessons going on.(When we went, there were several groups of lessons going on, this was the overwhelming part for my daughter)Once she got to know the pool and the instructor, she like swimming better. Good luck!
From c, a mom of 4 girls 5-12

Hi. My son's first lesson with one on one was today. It was interesting. MY son also 4 years old loves water so much. I didn't like that he didn't listen to her very well. She kept saying listen now listen. It was frustrating me big time, but I let her deal him. My husband said she'll get control of him. So we didn't say a word. He kept saying he was scared to her when floating on his back. He did cry a few times, but we just let her do her work. She got her money's worth today.
After the lesson my hubby asked him what was going on why didn't you float on your back? He said because sharks in the water. I don't know where he got that, but we did say you are there to learn how to swim so you have to listen and do what the instructor says. He is going back tomorrow. Oh and he also fell in the pool and she dunked him as well. It's tough, but he will be better off I wish you well good Luck!! Stick with it. I let you know how tomorrow goes...:-) we'll see if he has a fit.

hi M.,

kids that age are extremely open to people and my guess it was something the teacher said or did or just her energy was off for your daughter. i would suggest that you not relate it to water or swimming and have a lesson with the same teacher on land (practice strokes etc) and see if the trust can be built. if not, no more water trauma that could influence her later feelings about swimming, and you get to find out if it is just the teacher!

blessings,

A. m

Absolutely stick with it. Maybe you can go in with her. My daughter is like a fish and took lessons starting at 11 months. She would be afraid at the beginning of every summer and then get used to it again. By continueing the lessons you are giving your child a 50-50 chance to be ok in a situation.

Dear M.,
That sounds like the exact opposite of my children. They absolutely loved being in the water and were both in hot tubs and swimming pools from the time they were just very small babies. But get them anywhere near the ocean, lake or river, FORGET IT! They wanted nothing to do with it. Wouldn't even put a toe in. I think there was something about knowing the space was contained, (even Olympic sized swimming pools)that put them at ease. They both eventually got over it and love boating, etc. They'll dive off the boat in the middle of a massive lake and swim their little heads off.
I think you should stick with the lessons. At least a couple of more times. When she sees that the other children aren't afraid and nothing happens to them, and they're having fun, I bet she will be okay. You can talk to the swim instructor. They may have some good tips. Perhaps there is a way for you and your daughter to get in the pool when they aren't having lessons so she can see that nothing bad will happen. You don't want to force her or instill a fear of the water. I certainly am absolutely against the old school way of throwing the kid in and they will "learn" to swim. But I truly believe that all children, from the time they are very little, need to have swimming and bobbing skills and know how to hold their breath. It's a matter of safety. I don't think it's ever too young. My baby son would kick and scream to be allowed to go under water and hold his breath so we could clap and "Yay!" for him when he came up. We signed him up for swim lessons for something to do and they were blown away. They immediately put him in the advanced class and recruited him for the swim team. At 7 years old, he was the only little kid (under the age of 15) that they ever allowed to do the log rolling in the deep end of the pool. (The swim instructor's husband was a champ log-roller and brought his log for practice).
My son, who will be 13 at the end of this month, is here with me, and said to tell you that 4 is a really good age to start swimming lessons.

Good luck!

I taught swim lessons for many years and loved exposing children to the water and making them safe around it. I had many successes with taking kids into the water, regardless of them crying (most of the time) and they find out that they are safe (I always give them reason to trust me) and that it is fun. Make sure that her instructor does what she tells your little girl and has fun. I say give her a chance to try it. Good luck and happy swimming!

Interesting... we had our first swim lesson on Monday... (twins)... one cried the normal cry... the other was hysterical...(we've been having seperation issues at the gym as well)...I got out of his sight as the director requested... his little voice echoing all over the pool... I had to move several times...as he eventually found me... they finally brought him to me after about 20 minutes... he sat and recovered in my lap for another 10 minutes... His brother was brought to us about 5 minutes later... he was also worn out... but he seemed more of the typical crying...
We tried again today... one gladly went into the pool with his instructor... the other clinged to me almost tearing skin on my back holding so tight... I sat on the edge of the pool... he was finally willing to sit between the instructor and myself... I handed him off when he calmed down... Again... crazy screaming... which set off his brother who was otherwise doing fine... The director felt it was to much (this guy has been teaching for years)... Feels that the other is ok... So... one will be taking a lesson and the other and I will go to the kiddie pool and aclamate to the environment.. and hopefully join up in the next session... mind you he has been having fear of people lately.. and even said today... he wanted to swim... but he didn't' want to be with "the people"... all the people completely freaked him out... and then me not there for support... too much for a 3 y/o... So, we'll go in the water together until the pool environment is no biggy... hopefully soon... and then lessons... swim lessons at a young age are nice... but unless you have a pool in your backyard on easily accessed... not necessary.

My oldest boy did this. When we got to the pool, he started screaming and wouldn't go in. I tried 4 days in a row then quit! I couldn't stand it, and mostly I didn't want him afraid of water. I worked with him at home after that, and tried to restore his securities, and tried to bring th "fun" back into the pool. At that age, he was tall enough for the public pool. Public pools are 3-4ft. deep, so I took him there for a try one day. To my surprise, parents are NOT allowed in the water OR the pool area. AND no floaties either! I almost left right then and there, but I chose to be "brave" because my son was soooooo excited to be there with all the other kids. He could touch the bottom, and sorta tried to swim. Within 7 consistent days he was swimming!!!

Anyway, I think you just need to find what is "secure" for her. Good Luck! :o)

Consistency is key so yes, keep taking her back. Our son was just 3 yesterday & started lessons last week at our local Y. He's swam in this same pool since he was 7 months old & LOVES water but the first lesson, he stood by the side & cried. The teacher (who is GREAT!) got him in for about 5 minutes & then I got him dressed. He missed the second class due to a bad cough but the third lesson last night went SUPER! I told them it was his b-day, sat him on the edge w/the other kids & walked out the door. Not a tear or a squawk from him! He had a great time. Think it helped he was slightly distracted by some other kids coming in for the lsesson. So, definately keep taking her back. I'd say what might be most helpful is if you're out of her sight. Stand close by where you can see her & the instructor can see you but it's hard for your daughter to see you. Sometimes, kids are more upset when they know their moms & dads are close by to 'save' them. Hope this helps & good luck!

Hi M.,
That's really interesting that your daughter was never fearful of water before. Was the teacher empathetic? How many kids are in the class? Is the pool really noisy? Perhaps the environment was overwhelming. My son went through that at the first place we tried swimming lessons. It was an indoor facility w/ two pools. In the second pool, there was a water aerobics class for seniors while his lesson went on in the other pool. Imagine a very loud voice saying, "And one and two and breathe and four...) reverberating throughout the facility! He was only about 18 months at the time, so I did hold off. Anyway, he just turned five, and we have been at a new place for around six months or so. It's a swim place that is only for kids, and there are only four kids per class. At first my son would sit on the top step in the pool and get weepy. However, the place gives kids ribbons for each step they reach in the swimming process. They get the first ribbon in the first couple of weeks, as soon as they stop complaining (for those who do) and are following their teacher's instructions. Well, as soon as my son saw the other three kids in his class get their first ribbon and realized that he would not get his until he acted accordingly, he shaped right up. No one ever berated him -- his swim teacher and we explained to him that he would get his ribbon when he was ready to do x, y, and z, and that we were proud of him no matter what, but that child wanted a ribbon! Within another two weeks he had his first ribbon (his lessons are once a week), and since that day he has been excited to go to swim class and has loved getting the chance to swim on vacation, etc. My non-professional advice would be to let your daughter know in a very empathetic voice (might sound silly but works) that you understand that she is scared and that many kids are scared when they first learn to swim and that you know how yucky it feels to be scared. And then, using these words (which I learned at a recent parent-child communication seminar), say, "The problem is," and then add your choice of problem, e.g., your friends are learning to swim and will start having swim parties and I want to make sure you can join them, or swimming is a very important skill to learn and will allow you to do lots of fun things, or whatever might be compelling for your child. You'll probably have to empathize with her for longer than you might guess before you get to "the problem is" because she won't be ready to listen until she senses that her feelings have been validated and not explained away or contradicted. Never say "but"! I would not suggest stopping the lessons because learning to swim is such an important safety skill. I would also make sure that the teacher praises your daughter's accomplishments. If your daughter sits on a step in the pool the whole time but does not cry, the teacher should tell her that she did a great job of being brave by sitting on the step. More than anything, your daughter may just want you in the pool with her, just like some kids have a hard time separating from parents at preschool and kindergarten. Be sure she knows where you will be during the lesson and what to expect ahead of time. A quick, fuss-free transition seems to work best if that's the issue. Best of luck.
K.

Take her back, she'll be fine. I remember my first swim class very well half the kids in it were crying or nervous including my best friend who ended up on her High School swim team years later.

YES!!! I suggest you keep taking her, even if she doesn't want to get into the water you can sit with her and make comments to her like look how much fun theya re having, look at all the great things the others are learning, see honey there is nothing to be afraid of,etc. We went through it with our kids too and eventually they did get in. We have a pool so we REALLy wanted to make sure we got them comfortable. BELIEVE me I know it can be annoying and exhausting, but I am sure she will come around! Good luck! Let us know how it worked for you!

If she is crying/screaming hysterically, ask the swim school if you can bring her to watch the sessions and then enroll her in a later session to try again. It might also be a good idea to watch classes for younger children to show her that there is nothing to be afraid of.

I would also ask parents of one of your daughter's friends (one that isn't afraid of the water or has already had a lesson or two) if they would be willing to have their daughter attend the same session. Her friend can be a role model and the idea of "having fun" with her friend may take her mind off the fear.

Another tactic is to get an 18" kiddie pool for home that she can stand in and begin working to get her comfortable getting in, getting her face wet, kneeling, sitting and laying in the water and then try lessons again.

As a last resort, you may need to pay for a private lesson so they can work with her on the fears instead of rushing her through with all the other kids in a group lesson. For her safety and your peace of mind, it is very important for her to learn how to swim...don't delay because it will only get worse as she gets older.

Good luck!

M.,
I assume that from what you said that it was a group class. Sometimes kids need individual lessons for one on one security. Possible option. Definately go ahead with the lessons because it sounds like you already have her around water and it is a matter of safety that she learn to swim.

Do not stop going! Even if she just sits there, keep going! I was a swim teacher for 8 years, and a child would never sit the whole session out, they always joined in., and had fun And I just went thru this with my 3 year old son, by the second day, he didn't want to get out! Don't stop going, she will just think she can back out of anything if she is "scared!"

Maybe it's the wrong teacher.