February 10, 2007,
S.K. asks from Columbus, OH on February 06, 2007
Sweet Talking Husband into More Children
My husband and I talked about how many kids we wanted before we got married. I originally wanted 4. That freaked him out completely because he's an "honorary only child" (there are 13 yrs between him and his next oldest sibling) so we compromised on having 2. We have a beautiful 3 1/2 yr old now and I have wanted to have another one since she was about 2. He hasn't budged on having another one yet. My husband is younger than me by 4 1/2 yrs, but I don't feel like a spring chicken so I would like to get things moving along. He fears that it's going to cost twice as much and I can't get him to believe that it won't. Any ideas as to how to get him to change his mind? I have brought it up to him and if he gets an attitude or I start to be able to tell that he doesn't want to talk about it I tell him the topic will be revisited and that he's not getting out of it that easy. I don't think he realizes how good women's memories are when we want something, right guys?! :) Help me, please get my second little angel.
N.T. answers from Columbus on February 06, 2007
Oh don't I know how feel! We have 3 kids(ages 4, 2, and 8 months)and I REALLY want one more! He comes from a family of 2 and really wanted no more after our 2 year old, then Emily came as a surprise. I am the oldest of 7, so I am really used to lots of kids and chaos. When we got married we had said 2 with the possibility of 3, I was not sure I even wanted that many. But as the kids came I have changed and now I just want lots of them! He of course does not want anymore. And it really saddens me. I am just having the hardest time with it. I don't feel like I am done. I can't imagine being done. The thought that I have had my last baby just makes me really sad. I told him right now it's not worth deciding one way or another cause we need to be in a bigger place and he needs to be in another job before we have another. But he seems dead set on the fact that we are having no more. He's so afraid to "do" anything that might result in me getting pregnant.
So I wish I had better advice for you. All I can say is be patient. Hopefully he comes around for you. I know so many husbands like this right now. None of them want anymore and the wife wants just one more. Guys can be so stubborn in this area. I know it's not just his decision and it's not just yours. I wish I knew how to tell you to get him to see it your way. But he will only come around on his own terms in his own way. I wish you the best of luck in getting baby #2!!!!
G.M. answers from Columbus on February 06, 2007
I totally sympathize with you! My husband is the oldest of six children and he has definite reservations about having another baby. I have talked about it since our son was 2 months old! (He will be 2 in April.)
At first when I talked about it, my husband was like yours, he would get an attitude or he "didn't want to hear of it."
Then, as our son got older, I realized how much work it is raising kids. Infants are hard, but not as demanding as toddlers. So I started opening up with my husband. I would tell him that I wanted to wait to have kids, the reasons why, the pros, the cons....I made it more like it was "our" decision, vs. me just dying to have another one. I also started talking openly with our friends about it. I'd say "well, Jared isn't ready for another baby" or "My wish is to have another baby, but Jared's not sure." At least this way, I respected his opinion, but I wasn't going to "hide" much less comply with him. And I didn't want to sound degrading, but I had to bring it out in the open. The more I did that, the more he could see that I was listening to him and his reasons, but I still had my heart set on another one. I also told him the emotional side of how I felt. (And still feel.) That having a baby was so much a part of me, I couldn't possibly turn the feeling off or not listen to it. And if that doesn't work....just tell his mom he doesn't want anymore! ha ha....No, I'm kidding, I'm not trying to make this out like it's a joke or my intention is to trick my husband. I did, however, mention it to his mom that he didn't want anymore kids and she really gave it to him. Plus, his brother has a child close in age to ours and they are ready for another one.
So I guess, S., just being patient and understanding, but expecting the same from him in return. I know it's so hard, but I guess that's what marriage is. Give and take. He may see how serious you are about your decision.
My MIL said that her husband did want ANY kids and she ended up with six! Miracles do happen! She said she never even talked to her husband about it, she would just start praying....
Our son will be two in April and I keep telling my husband I want to try in July. He won't really say one way or the other how he feels, but I do know he is listening. Just the other day we were at the dentist and our hygentist said to me "Your husband says you might be trying for another baby this summer?" They listen, even when we don't think they are!
Best of luck! I'll let you know how this July is!
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C.F. answers from Rochester on February 06, 2007
Here are a few things to remind your husband about- You already have all the big stuff for a kid (crib, carseat, swing, etc.) and lots of clothes, I would guess, so if you have another girl, all you'll be paying for is the formula if you use it, diapers, wipes, and food, basically minor expenses. Your medical insurance shouldn't go up because you are already on a family plan. The older you get, the higher the risk of problems with conceiving and/or carrying the child. It takes over 9 months from the time you get pregnant for the baby to come, so that gives you plenty of time to plan and get used to the idea. You don't want your kids to be too far apart, or they won't be interested in the same things and won't play together (and might not have a very close relationship). The sooner your last child gets into school, the sooner you will be able to have a "normal" job with "normal" hours if that is your goal.
Also, ask him why he thinks it will cost twice as much for the second child? Where is he getting these numbers? I realize you'll have some cost in co-payments and medical bills, diapers, wipes, formula, and possibly some clothes (you'll be able to reuse some even if you have a boy), and I know later you'll have more food, clothes, and college to worry about, but that will be way down the line. If you stay at home and don't have daycare to pay for, you're even better off.
I think Adrienne having a sibling and learning how to share, and not being an only child far outweighs the cost of a second child.
T. answers from Columbus on February 06, 2007
Not sure if I should be giving advice, since I can’t talk my husband into #3 myself – but if cost is the only reason he is giving you, then by all means, I would have a major debate with him. You are a SAHM – a second is NOT going to cost that much – now with daycare, that is another story. AND money is not a basis to make such a decision, I am sure you couldn’t afford the first one at the time either – no one thinks they can. However, if he is giving you other reasons, maybe you guys need to have some more in-depth talks and work out some of his fears first. Good luck!
K.I. answers from Cincinnati on February 07, 2007
Congratulations on your successful marriage and little girl.
I keep reading on this board where women want to "convince/force their husband into another child." Then, there are posts of "my husband avoids me and the kids as much as he can. He is always angry or withdrawn."
It is no small wonder. Where is it written that just because we are female and have hormones that urge us to reproduce, and society convinces us we need LOTS of kids, that it is fair to force a man into more children than he clearly states he wants?
I suggest you both go to see a counselor to see if you can resolve this issue with some help. If he wanted more children, he would say so.
L.F. answers from Cincinnati on February 10, 2007
Hmmm...this is a tough one. The reality of this is that he TOLD you from the beginning that he did not want a lot of children. Are you sure he agreed to two? Or is that just the minimum number you would settle for?
Raising kids is a two-person deal, so unless you're ready to resort to deception and just HOPE that he won't be pissed with the aftermath, you have to listen to what he's saying. I agree that maybe counseling could help. His issues may be much deeper than just financial. But I think what you're going to have to do is accept the fact that you married someone who does not have the capacity to parent a large number of children. There is nothing wrong with him for feeling that way, and he was honest with you about it. When you married him, you agreed to accept him as he was. It's not fair to feel like you can change him now. If you push him too hard or force him to agree to having kids he really doesn't want, the only person happy with the decision will be you. But the whole family will pay for it in spades later.
S.B. answers from Spartanburg on February 06, 2007
Hi there! I probably will be harsher than other mothers out there. I do agree with the advise you've been given though. What I have to say is this... This is your body, your mind & your happiness at stake. If you want more children TELL HIM & TRY TO MAKE HIM GET IT on the WHY you want more. Some women are born to be mother's, & as long as you are a great one, INSIST on it. I don't want your husband to resent you, & I don't want you going through the rest of your life resenting him... So something has to give here. Talk to him. If you want 4 & he wants only 1, maybe you can agree on 3 ;). Good luck to you!!!!!