Sweet or trouble.....my 9Yo Son Has a Girlfriend!

I had a "boyfriend" in second grade. It really means nothing except he is a special friend of the opposite sex. My kindergarten son told me the other day that Jane is his girlfriend. Then a couple of days later he told me that he had to break up with her. Kids at this age are beginning to find themselves and it is all part of the growing process.
Your son is learning to love another person other then his family. He is learning to respect her and put her needs first. This is very important! Bring the girl into your family functions and let her feel welcome. Your trouble always begins with kids when they feel like they need to sneak around.

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What he is doing for her is real gentleman and should be encouraged, but the idea to think of their friendship as a real relationship with pecking on the lips could be trouble. I would let her come over as any other kid, but don't treat them like a couple. I think being friends and doing 9 year old things together is fun, but I would discuss with the boy what the difference is between a friendship and a relationship. They are too young for a relationship with adult like tendencies. He can still be nice to her, pull out chair etc, but he should know the difference of what it is to have a girlfriend, etc.

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No way. Its cute and all in theory... but I have all boys, and when my oldest is only 9 he better not be kissing yet! Too early, in my opinion. Adorable in theory.. like those little kids in wedding attire on the fronts of cards at the Hallmark store - but not in real life.

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I wouldn't encourage a relationship at 9 years old no matter how "cute" it seems. And I would NOT allow him to give her a kiss. At this age yes, they talk about having a boyfriend or girlfriend, but it is usually just a term and does not include the opposite sex joining in family functions and such. Now if you are having a bbq and her family is all over, that is one thing, but simply inviting the girl over to join the family is something that may cause confusion later on.

I would sit him down and explain that you understand that he cares for this girl, but that he is too young to "date" her (because that is what it seems like he is doing) You need to tell him that it is not appropriate for him to kiss her either. (does her parents realize your son is kissing her?).

I can tell you that if my 9 year old daughter had a "boyfriend" I would be VERY upset if the parents of the boy were allowing their son to kiss my daughter (innocent or not)

It might be a good idea if her visits were limited to coming over to play when your son is outside with his friends. The visits that encourage this "relationship" should be stopped.

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They are nine......this to will pass as my dad would have said. But I would not let them kiss. I would encourage them to play with other children also.

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Nine Years Old and kissing? Are you kidding me???

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For me and my house, I think that 9 is a little young to be considering themselves boyfriend and girlfriend.

On the other hand...you know your son better than anyone else and you've seen him first hand with this girl so you know if their motives are pure. What you're describing seems like very innocent behavior. And I do think it's a good sign that he is trying to always include her in family functions etc and not just trying to spend a lot of time alone.

Ultimately, I think it's a decision you'll have to make yourself, but if you decide that it IS ok, I would just make sure I set clear boundaries and rules for them and consequences if those are broken.

Personally, I remember as a child wanting to get that kind of trust from my mother and not being given that trust. It hurt me that she didn't trust me from the jump and didn't even give me a chance to screw up or do the right thing. And honestly, I rebelled and just snuck ( I know i'm spelling that wrong) around and did what I wanted anyway, whereas if she would have just given me a little bit of trust like what you're displaying with your son I think I wouldn't have snuck and did half the things I did. Good luck!

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I think your instincts are right on track.......they are fine. It is an innocent young love friendship........they are best friends.........

The small "peck kiss" thing is a little young for me, but but I can see one of my boys having a realationship like this later. Some boys I believe desire to be a 'the love of someone's life"...........my 7yr old was like that for a whole year with his best/girl friend in the 1st grade............then sadly she had to move away..........it's been almost 10 mos that she's been gone and he still misses her terribly...........some relationships are simply special.......I believe that this is what your son has.........a special relationship.

Kudos to him to be a gentleman...........that is impressive!

Just go with it........listento your instincts and you will know if anything is going too far..........

~N. :O)

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I can't imagine a mother letting a child give a kiss to a girl noway that is how it starts the good feelings that thrive into being sexual and experimental...Your mother is right it is nice that he is learning to put others first I see this with my son he is 6 all school yr. he is the 1 waiting for a long time out on the bus stop all other 4 girls come and he always let's them on 1st & off 1st.That is a good trait to have thinking of others besides yourself...Let them be kids yes makinig up being married breaking up the usual play together interaction we all did it and it is normal childhood behavior but your getting into a whole new ball game with your son who is 9 ys old a girlfriend for 6 months and now wanting her to be a part of the family gatherings to me not cute.But if that is what you want and your husband agrees.I wouldn't mind having friends over our house either as long as it's just friends relationships is taught and learned it is something that comes with age and from reading your post he is develping quicker than most maybe not maybe this is where it begins i'l just have to wait and see since mine are all younger in age..Don't take it to heart if you don't like what I said I truely think it is inappropriate and your encouragement on their " realtionship"can lead into more than what your expecting.Does he know everything about the "birds & the bees" if not and he is pecking his girlfriend don't you think he'll be more curious on what is happening to his feelings and down ther feelings.

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Sounds like they're best friends. It's not like they're dating and making out or anything. They just do stuff together. If they're just being kids together and they just happen to be of the opposite sex, I wouldn't worry. I don't think you have to treat her as a family member - they're not engaged (LOL!) :) But if your son asks for her to come and it's appropriate to the event, why not?

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It might be ok - at least until they break up. Relationships / friendships come and go. It could be they grow up and stay sweethearts, get married someday, but it's not likely. The parents (you and her's) need to keep an eye on things. And it's important they both have other friends and activities.

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Sort of sounds like an "arranged marriage". They are too young to be left alone and I agree with the mama that suggested including other children in ALL their activities. Children are more experimental at younger and younger ages. Female development comes early for many girls. Can you say: "grandma"?

Blessings.....

My son is 8 & has had a best friend girl since in Kindergarten. I don't mind it at all & think it's cute. BUT kissing?? No way at this age - or 9yrs or 10 even. I don't even know when but definitely not at this age. I would tell your son that the kissing needs to stop. Everything else is fine IMHO other than them being called "a couple".

Hi K.,
when I was in 3rd grade, all the kids in the class were getting "married," with wedding ceremonies out on the playground and everything.

It sounds like your son has a very good example (in the home) of how a boy should treat a girl (children imitate what they see)!
t

I don't like the exclusivity of this relationship. I would like him to have a few more kids to play with. Like one friend for sports and one friend for a hobby like fishing and then another friend for homework help or something. Not just her all the time, because i dout it iwill really last and then were will he be?
so personally i wouldn't nix the girl entirely but i would try to get him involved with somethign else so she isn't taking up all his time,

and no to the family functions he will be way at college before you know it, you need to spend some special time with him now.

I think it's cute if it doesn't go any further. I would not include her in family functions because it is "for family." (At our family functions, we don't encourage singles to bring their girlfriends unless they are in a serious relationship that could lead to marriage or something like that.)

If you up the ante, the other parents will wonder if you'll be insulted if they don't do the same thing and then off it goes. Keep a lid on it.

I don't see a big problem as long as both of them have other friendships too. The only thing you mentioned that I'm not particularly in favor of is the "peck on the lips". At this age I think I would discourage that. It's something you probably should have dealt with six months ago, but I do think that it's not appropriate. They might give a peck on the cheek, but the lips... that's a bit too 'adult' for my liking. Kids do go through "puppy love" stages this young, and this may be a passing phase... or it may be that these two have really found their 'soul-mates' early and will continue this relationship and it will grow into a true romance. Either way, I think you need to try to help them keep it at a level that is more appropriate for their ages.

Is is a function he would be allowed to bring a friend too? If so, she can be his friend of choice. And unlike some of the other moms, I would not be worried about a few kisses, that is so normal at this age. I would sit down with him and have at least a version of "the talk", and be sure he knows what is not acceptable at this age (touching in private areas, ect). In our society it has not become uncommon for children to start experimenting with actual sex(oral) at the age of 11 or 12, so it is never to early to start teaching responsibility and respect for the opposite sex.

Hello!
I read your post and cannot help thinking that Reiki would help. Reiki is energy, and there is a simple way to learn to give this energy to others and even to ourselves. If you take Reiki training, you will be able to give treatments to your child and also to yourself. Believe me, you will be glad.

My Reiki teacher, who lives in Jerusalem, Israel, will be coming to teach in the SF Bay Area during the first two weeks in June. Please get back to me so that I can send you more information about the classes, and even get you in touch with her so that you can ask her questions directly. Hurry, because she will be leaving Jerusalem on May 27th, and after that it will be hard for her to answer you.

sincerely,

S.

I don't see anything wrong with it. I had my first boyfriend at about that age and it was perfectly innocent. I still have very fond memories of that boy and how sweet our relationship was. I think it's great that your son is letting you be a part of this with him rather then having a "secret" girlfriend at school that you know nothing about.

Good luck,
K.

If I were you I would always try to include other kids in their "playdates" and definitely not allow kissing. I don't care if it is just a peck. Kissing on the lips should be reserved for mature teens. You could have a talk with him about how this is inappropriate at his age, and maybe talk about other things that are inappropriate. I think if they're this busy at 9, you should definitely be talking to him about your expectations. Young crushes can be cute, but I certainly wouldn't encourage it by including her in things like she's his girlfriend. Like I said, I'd try to have them hang with other kids and not each other exclusively -- or you could be headed for trouble.

I know I'm a little late, but I wanted to respond anyway. I think as long as you're monitoring it, it's just fine. In fact, i think it's really cute and it sounds like you and your husband have done a great job teaching your son how to treat women. I think you should invite her to family functions. As you said, they are great friends and love doing things together. Who knows, she may turn out to be a life-long friend of your son and also your entire family. Like I said, as long as you monitor what they're doing, I think it's great. Besides that, like Romeo and Juliet, if you try to stop their friendship, they will continue with it behind your back and you certainly don't want that!

I think it's very sweet. They're pretending and aren't kids supposed to pretend and emulate? My best friend up until middle school was a boy and he attended our family functions (we're still friends!). I mention middle school because that was when you didn't talk to a boy or a girl unless you were interested... That awkward stage. She's not a negative influence and they are not overstepping their bounds and doing more than "kid" things so I would say it's very sweet :).

The part of this that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable is the pecking. My daughter is 12, almost 13, and as yet has never kissed a boy. She and I are ridiculously close, and she would tell me, would feel compelled to tell me, if she did.

Growing up my sister always had boyfriends. That started for her in kindergarten. I had a first grade boyfriend, who brought me flowers, but I didn't like him, and everyone teased me about him! That didn't last, and didn't have a boyfriend again for a long time. My sister, on the other hand, always had a boyfriend. Her "relationships" were cute and innocent. Honestly, she probably didn't start kissing her boyfriends until she was older than your son and his girlfriend. Still, in my opinion, what these young relationships do is open some doors a little earlier. My sister had sex before I did (I'm the oldest) and she had her first pregnancy years before I did - as a teen. This isn't because she was generally an irresponsible girl, and she wasn't promiscuous. Her first partner was also the father, who eventually became her husband. She had my niece, graduated from high school at the top of her class, and was the stand out student in her program at Temple University. She's an executive at Independence Blue Cross now and works with teenage mom's to encourage them, ensure that they know that a future is still possible. I just wonder, if she would have gotten her first kiss later in life, had she been a sweet 16 who's never been kissed like I was, would she have become sexually active a little later? A little later would have enabled her to have finished her senior year in high school instead of her junior year when she had her first child. My question to you would simply be, is it time to open that door?

Fyi, my mother was also an open mother, the kind we could talk to. She wasn't unnecessarily strict, she wasn't distrustful. My sister did marry my niece's father, and my mother's assessment of him being a good guy and coming from a good home was right on. But didn't things happen a little too soon to these two good kids?

Maybe you could encourage him to call her and treat her as his friend, and encourage him to treat her special because she is special, but maybe you'll consider telling him that he's young to have a girlfriend, and that kissing isn't appropriate for him now. You can tell him that you didn't say anything for a while because you know that he means it in the right way, but that just like most things, there's a time and place for everything. For instance, you can't get your driver's license until you're 16 (in PA), you can't drink legally until you're 21. Driving isn't wrong or bad, nor is a little wine or beer, but it's wrong from you when you're too young. Then you could nurture the aspects of the relationship that you think are contributing to his development, like how to treat a girl or woman in your life - be it a friend, girlfriend, mother, or sister - and that it's great to have friends of both genders. That's a great one for him to get a handle on at this age when most boys don't know how to be friend with girls, and vice versa. You can include her in functions as you would his best boy buddy. The things he's doing are not just like two kids playing. They are acting like a couple. It sounds to me like what I'd expect to be happening in my daughter's life maybe in a year or two - although she is quite conservative. She's interested in love, and it's in all the teen shows and movies, but she's also not interested in the pressure that can come with that, or the distractions.

I graduated high school a virgin, and was 25 when I had my daughter. I mention that as a foil to my sister's experience. Hope all my sharing helps!