Surviving the Holidays

Hi B.,
I know from my experiences with pregnacies that trying to conceive can place you and your partner under a lot of stress. You have probably read about women who get pregnant after adopting...their mind is no longer on conceiving so they can relax.

If you want to get a chuckle visit http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/pregnancy/owt1.htm or http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/524995/pregnancy... It's a hoot on how women have passed these wive's tales and rituals down through the ages.

BTW, my husband and I married later in life...we gave up conceiving naturally after four years and adopted a son. Almost nine months later I got pregnant. Just goes to show ya...I stopped obsessing over getting pregnant and bam...it happened.

Don't give up. If for some reason you can't have a baby naturally, just maybe God already has a child picked out for you. Adopting our son stopped the vicious cycle of taking my temperature, getting hormone shots and the like. He has truly blessed our lives. Plus, his birth parents changed their mind at the last moment and didn't have an abortion. They heard about a Crisis Pregnancy Center where they were told ALL the options. They chose an open adoption and it has worked out great for all involved. One child's life was saved.

In saying all that, all that's left to say us...have fun trying...but relax and enjoy it and something spectacular might happen.

Blessings,
W.

Just tell them you are having fun trying :) With a sheepish grin. When it's time you'll have that little one poking your ribs. Don't feel bad.
Enjoy your nieces and nephews, you won't have near as much time for them after you have yours :)

I had fertility problems and was told as a teenager that I would have to have a hysterectomy. I was devastated and depressed. I always knew that I was meant to be a mother and I just couldn't believe it would never happen for me. I was so happy for friends having babies and I was always there to help with baby showers, etc, but inside I ached. I really did.
Long story short, I have two beautiful children.
I know it's hard, I've been there, but I honestly believe that worrying too much and fretting too much is a real hindrance when it comes to getting pregnant.
Both times I got pregnant, I was scheduled for a hysterectomy and had just basically relaxed I guess and accepted it.
I have a friend who went through IVF with different doctors all over the country and nothing happened. She was devastated but she and her husband decided to spend the rest of their entire savings building a new house, brand new cars for both of them, went on a cruise. No need to save for a baby or college fund.
Guess what. She got pregnant.

I'm not into posting religious things because everyone has their own views on that, but I do believe that things happen in their own time. My kids are proof of that.
Dry your tears. Lighten up a little. Tell people that ask when you'll have a baby that you don't know, but you're sure having fun working on it.
(Wink wink).
You never know. You may be telling your own child some years from now that you remember how much you cried this Christmas not knowing the joy that was soon in store.

I wish you the best.

When my husband and I were going through infertility, I avoided baby showers and those types of places and cried while walking through the baby clothes sections of department stores. I hated questions from other people, too. Pre-think a comeback, something snarky like, "we already have kids but we lost them at Walmart" or something dumb like that. That shuts people up fast.

Humor. You've got to find your sense of humor right now! My husband and I made a tiny coffin. I mean he painted it and cut the wood and we lined it with fabric inside and placed raisins inside of it. The raisins represented my dead eggs/ovaries. Then we gave it to my IF doctor as a gag gift. Everyone thought we were looney tunes, but we were laughing so hard while we made it that we were crying. It was really fun!

Also, remember that everyone who has kids doesn't have it better than you. Your thinking is probably skewed that way, I know mine was, but they have other horrible problems that you never had. Don't let yourself play the, "at least they were blessed with kids game."

Also, I knew probably 10 to 12 other couples with infertility while I was going through it. They ALL have kids now. Some through adoption, one couple adopted foster kids, and two of them adopted and then got pregnant. None of them went forever without any kids, so remember, there is always hope. This is a journey and at the end you will have a kid, one way or another. Mine are IVF babies.

I totally understand. Been there done that. My heart goes out to you .Sittting around watching all of the nieces and nephews open gifts with their parents while you sit in the corner watching is heartbreaking. My advise to you is that you call ahead to your family and husbands family and ask that they not bring it up. Also, take some time together with your hubby to do something special. And remember that no matter how long it takes , even if it is years down the road, You Will Get There. You will have a family of your own if it happens naturally,IVF or other treatments,or adoption. It Will Happen if you want it badly enough. Whatever is in store for you will become reality. My husband and I are living proof. We went through years of treatments and have twins now. We were ready to adopt if the last IVF didn't work. Trust me it can happen to you too. Hang in there:) Say a prayer and try to enjoy your holidays , just the little things ,with your husband. Merry Christmas:)

B. ,

I can't say I've been in your shoes, but, I can tell you from being close to a few people with this issue,.... Stress will only deepen the problem. It might sound a little corny , but, I've seen it, let go of it, relax, and GOD will bless you when it's the right time. Whether it means getting pregnant , or providing you with other options. Try not to try so hard. Be thankful for all the other things in your life that make you happy . and keep in mind that God answers prayer , but, it may not always be the answer we expected or come at exactly the time we want it. As far as the relatives go, 95% don't mean any harm, but, you can stop all the questions by making a blanket statement in front of everyone ," we appreciate your concern and curiosity, and when we get pregnant you'll be the first to know. Until then it would be much appreciated if the subject didn't come up. (Or something to that effect). As for you ,keep yourself busy and focus on doing something for someone else, volunteer somewhere, get in a support group for infertility. These women (and men) have been, or, are in your shoes. Sometimes this is a big help. I wish you and your husband the Best, Enjoy the holidays and each other. C. S.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time... ignorant questions are the worst. There are a couple of ways that I find helpful in handling such questions and comments. One is to have a few different topics in mind so you can very quickly change the subject and try to avoid it all together (you can even just say "lets not talk about that today... so I recently visited X..."). Second option is to return a prying question with "Why do you ask?" - sometimes we forget that we don't have to answer every question, and sometimes other people need a gentle reminder that their question is inappropriate. And the third option is to just be painfully honest "That kind of a question makes me think that you're judging me and I need you to know that this is a very painful time for me and I'm making the best decisions that I can." Good luck!

I have no idea what you are going through....... all I can tell you is that when I moved into our neighborhood there were 3 couples that were older with young kids. 1st was adopted and the 2nd was natural!!...... They all tried and failed so they adopted......... then they had their own!!!! Goes to show you that just relaxing must help!!! I like the one responce that you got about saying "we're having fun trying".......... People are rude.... some don't mean to be..... some are just plain nosey!!! My heart goes out to you......... good luck with everything

I know how you feel. I would tell them, "when we have any news we'll let you know". This way you're not being rude but you're also hinting that they shouldn't ask anymore until further notice.

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I know how you feel. I would tell them, "when we have any news we'll let you know". This way you're not being rude but you're also hinting that they shouldn't ask anymore until further notice.

I couldn't have children with my second husband. It was absolutely surprising since i had two before that. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor in sobs once. Even my own husband couldn't understand it when I didn't want to hang outside and watch some neighbor children play soccar. Tiny people were bothering me. People who could have them were bothering me.
Anyway, I guess I got to the point where I knew I could either tell others to go to you know what, mind their own business, or just be honest and let them know how you feel, sad and hopeful.
I do not know how long you have been trying but I will pray and pray for a newborn for you!

I too had fertility struggles - I found that the answer "We are having a tough time - so please add us to your prayer list." backed them right off.

I'm so sorry your heart is breaking.

i asked a couple friend of mine if/when they were having any babies recently, not knowing there may be in issue or they'd been trying, etc., just kinda playfully asking. the wife's response was perfect and polite and peaceful to me, "when it's meant to be". shut me up real quick & i just wanted to give her a hug. i kinda felt stupid for even asking but i liked her response. so you can try that route or the "we're having fun trying!" route. both are good! good luck re: getting pregnant sweetie. hang in there

Dear B.,

I don't know how long you have been "trying" or what you tried. What I can tell you is that if what you want most in the world is to be a mother, nothing will help but taking care of your heart.

It took my husband and I 4 years and 3 IVF cycles to get our first. The ones who followed were frozen and from the 3rd cycle. It wasn't fun or easy to take care of myself when year after year it seemed as though the answer was no.

The only thing I could do was stay away from the "extra" children on the days that it hurt. When I was stronger, I saw them on my terms. What I hope and pray is that your challenges end or are overcome soon!

The comments by other people ended when I had my first emotional breakdown. Then they SHUT UP! So cry or get angry if you have too!!!

All the best,
D.

And with what Lisa K said below is right...if you make the choice to be a parent or parents...NOTHING IS AN OBSTACLE! Your dream will come true!

Like others, I've been there too! My only other suggestion is to do what you need to do to protect yourself. If there are events that you can decline an invitation to, that is a possibility, although I realize in many cases that would lead to more difficulties. Otherwise, find ways to avoid the difficult people/situations. For my husband and I, hosting family gatherings was actually very helpful. We ended up spending a lot of time in the kitchen! (If you aren't hosting, I'm sure the host would be happy with an extra set of hands in the kitchen.)

I like the "when it is meant to be" response, to questions about kids because I think most people will pick up on the underlying message. Another one helpful response is "why do you ask?" It turns the question around and doesn't force you to share any more information than you want. I like it because it often makes the people asking the question realize they are just being nosy about something that is none of their business!