Supporting an 11 Year Old Girl Who Is Almost Polar Opposite from Me

hi P.:

i have three boys and i can totally understand your situation...
because i have dedicated my life to my children, until i got so sick that i decided to re-evaluate my support system. i found my self very lonely at times, because i was doing everything for my boys...i taught them all the things that were important to me, like art, music, and sports, besides regular school and family activities. and even though i have a husband, he dedicated most of his time to work and left everything else to me... i had to recognize that i was also the one that allowed him to dump everything on me, so i started to built my network of friends again. i got involved in art, music, and found i have three really good friends.... my husband and i ended up separating for three years... we almost got divorce , until he apologized and started to take care of the sports and other activities....my 2 older boys ended up leaving the music classes i spent so many years cultivating. but, those were the consequences i had to accept for letting them deal with their dad because they are 17 , 14 and 12, so they have strong very independent personalities...

i always remember that einstein hated his mother for forcing him to practice the violin when he was small, yet it was his refuge when he was an adult.... we have to let them make their own choices and many times that means allowing them to make mistakes... for the way you describe your daughter, she is a typical teen that wants the trendy clothes,etc,etc... don't under estimate her values, all the things you taught her are inside her... this is just a face... and very important for her to live those dreams... and she will pull out all her knowledge you are giving her when ever she needs it.... for now as long as she spends her budget on what ever she likes, and does not ask you to give her more money for other things that were part of her budget is ok dear P.... i remember spending most of my money on shoes and jewelery when i was a young teen, but i also had to make due with my choices because that meant not buying other clothes and many times not buying the necessary things like socks for school, so i had to hand wash my two pairs for weeks until i was able to raise that money, either working in the garden or tutoring ...
i out grew that face, just like many teens... i am back in school right now trying to get my ma... i quit my job and only teach part time, as to allow me to go to school,etc..
i have a social life now, so my kids know that certain days they stay home and take care of their youngest brother, they do the laundry most of the time, they clean their room on a daily basis, and their dad and i help them once a month...

they also learned to do simple things like rice, boil potatoes, roast what ever i leave for them,etc, so the burden is not all on me anymore.... they many times ruin clothes, burn the foods and cleaning means stuffing everything in their closet, but that is how we all learn... is not the way i cleaned and kept my house , but what is most important to me is that they are learning to take care of them selves... and being flexible allows me to dedicate time to be with them at the movies sometimes, we go to restaurants sometimes, to the park, to their soccer games... and yes, many times we come home to a dirty house, but we all get together and start cleaning while i cook,or they cook and i clean,etc..

please take time to built your support network... because your kids have a life of their own, and is important for you to have friends, lovers, relatives, acquaintances,etc,etc... life is beautiful, please take the time to enjoy it...
warmly,
sandy

3 moms found this helpful

Hi P.,

My daughter wanted all the name brands and would make shopping a living nightmare so I decided to side step the pain. First, to help her learn about managing money, I gave her an allowance each month and it was for clothes, entertainment, etc. If she didn't like the Costco shampoo I bought she could use her money to buy something else. For school clothes, I gave a certain amount of money before school began and that was it. I bought underwear, bras, coat, gym shoes, but the rest was up to her. I also took her to the store and went off to get a cup of coffee while she decided. That way I could stay calm and not make remarks she really didn't want to hear. I would buy supplements from time to time if I saw something I thought she would like, but if she complained or dissed it, I would just say okay, take it back and wait a longer time before I tried again. We also had a family rule that if we were shopping together and I showed her something she didn't like, she woudl just say something like "That's not my style" or "no, thanks" in a tone of voice that was neutral and we would just move on. If she was showing me things I didn't like, I would say things like "I don't think it flatters your figure, or hair color, etc." or ask her what she liked about it. This way we didn't fight, hurt feelings we kept to a minimum and attitude for both of us dropped off.

It is difficult to keep one's mouth shut at times and when my daughter and our exchange student decided they wanted to die their hair outrageous colors, I stayed out of it. While they looked like thing one and thing two with bright red and bright green hair, it was harmless and I let their peers do the talking. The red was really horrible on her and went she went to bright pink, I was relieved not to be living with Bozo the clown anymore! When the third color was discussed I did put my foot down about bleaching her hair so many times and said she had to wait six months. The interest faded after that.

I think having a sense of humor, encouraging exploration of self in healthy ways, and managing my own remarks and attitude were hard, but I was calmer and we had fewer battles. As she is 11, there will be more points of this, so choosing battles wisely and how much is crucial. I wish you and your family the best.

L.

2 moms found this helpful

I raised a "fashionista" also-my polar opposite.
Now she is 25, making $ hand over fist, and can afford the life style-nothing wrong with that.
I will say that when she was younger, I would only give her what I thought was reasonable for school clothes- the rest she had to earn- noboby rides for free.
Who knows- maybe your daughter will be the next Vera Wang!
The only thing I did insist on with my girls was good skin care- so I usually bought their basics in makeup- I did not want to deal with bad skin. And it gave us a common ground. That I can help with if you like-www.myjafra.com/lschmidt

1 mom found this helpful

Hi there!
The only true advice I can give you is to teach your daughter how to shop wisely; there are consignment stores, etc., Being she is only 11 years old, she's looking for what will validate her amongst her peers, and what is acceptable. You might have to take her out and do some comparison shopping, and how to set her own trend. (To be stylish & know that the secret is only "hers")
Find positive role models who are famous, yet are also philanthropists. I have a son who likes materialistic things as well; I chose uniforms in middle school so he could focus on the important things; not status symbols. If he wanted something expensive, he had to work for it; and waited to buy things on sale. It isn't always easy having to say no and not have strong feelings about personal choices, but rather look at it from her perspective. Thrift shops sell gently used clothing & even new clothes. I'm assuming you're in the Bay area, take a trip down to Berkeley or San Francisco to visit the Buffalo Exchange. They have wonderful trendy clothes, shoes, & accessories for cheap or barter! Also, go to your local beauty school; there are bright & innovative students who can give your daughter a look that is all her own without breaking her budget. I have to add that I do have 2 daughters as well, and one will be 17 this week. She's learned to adapt her style, and she is quite the fashion statement of her own; which gently reminds me of the young girl I once was. My daughter's fashion trends are quite opposite from me, but there is almost 26 years between us! With that said; I wish you all the luck with your young lady. Just learn to "choose your battles" and that this too, shall pass.

1 mom found this helpful

I think it is normal for her to be obsessed with those things right now. My advise is you keep on giving her the freedom to do as she pleases. If you fight it she will fight back. Most likely she will return to the values she grew up with and the values that were displayed by you.

My son is 12. He is just as bad and drives me nuts.

1 mom found this helpful

I can understand being a bit stumped by this, but fashion and entertainment offer opportunities to introduce a deeper perspective on culture and being a woman. When I was younger, I wanted to be a fashion designer and I was raised by a mom with weight struggles who hated shopping. I still love fashion and entertainment, but I have a degree in Women's Studies from a wonderful women's college and my family doesn't watch T.V., so I consider myself fairly balanced. A girly femminist. There's so much history and cultural significance (good and bad) to fashion, movies, entertainment. Why not embrace her obsessions in your own way and see what you can add to her interest? Many fashion designers were too broke growing up to buy expensive clothing and so they made things themselves. Perhaps her creativity needs to be challenged. Perhaps she needs a part-time job to support her expensive tastes! I used to clean the dance studio I took classes at in order to pay for additional classes that my parents couldn't afford.

Does she have any interest in sewing or crafting? Fashion and acting are both arts that are only successful with drive and hard work. Maybe she needs more exposure to what it really takes instead of what she sees in magazines? As a teacher, you might be able to find some resources to help her learn about what is really behind all the glamour. However, I think to get through, you have to approach it with some enthusiasm for her perspective. You can do it!

It's called acceptance. You don't have to agree with her choices or even like them, but you do have to accept them and you have to remember she's only 13 and what you consider to be silly and trivial may be very important in her social sphere. She is her own person with her own likes and dislikes. Who knows, maybe she'll end up being a success in the fashion industry.

11 is a bit young to put on make-up. My son is 12 and started to dress with droopy pants two years ago. To be a model, takes alot of dedication and time. Kids nowadays in school are dressing like older kids do. The last thing you need is boys getting the wrong idea. If money is an issue, she needs to understand that money doesn't grow on trees. My son wants new shoes every other month, or new clothes. He's always telling me the clothes he has is too small.
Yes he is very spoiled, I have to tell him, that its not fair to his other brothers. I barely can afford the things he likes. I have no girls, but girls need to be more careful with the way boys are these days. If she has allowance or doing chores do get those things, she may appreciate things in life. Times have changed, and things aren't the same anymore.

I think that you need to set some boundaries for your daughter. I have 4 girls (11,7, and 3 year old twins), and each one is so different. I encourage them to be the person that God has created them to be, and we all have wonderful relationships. From the get go, we have not ever been able to afford to spend $250 on a purse for me, much less my daughter. My eldest daughter, 11, knows that there are some things that she may like, and we have fun when we go shopping, but she knows that we do not have unlimited funds for her to have free reign. Most of her clothes we buy at Old Navy, Mervyns and Target and most of the time they are either on sale or clearance. I have shown her that sometimes it pays to be patient. Now, when she has $50 to spend on clothes, she is really thrifty with it and takes her time to see how she can stretch her money and make it last further. By her showing us how responsible she is with money, it gives us great comfort in how she will handle her future. Remember, that the way we raise our children and the values and morales that we instill in them, they will carry those over to adulthood. It is very important for our children to value money, and to know that it comes from somewhere, that it is indeed not free. We as adults need to work for our money, so should our children. It also will give them a great feeling of accomplishment. It teaches them how to set a goal, how they will reach that goal, and then once they meet that goal they will be so proud of themselves. My daughter is into the hair thing, so I totally get where you are coming from. I just let her do what she likes. As for the make-up, it isn't allowed. When she goes over to a friends house or vice versa, they do get all dolled up and have fun, but that is where it ends. The clothing that she buys needs to modest, there is no belly showing, nothing too short or revealing. She still has clothing that is "trendy" it just needs to be modest. Her and I get along very well, sometimes it surprises me at how well we do get along. We are not "friends" but we have a great mother daughter relationship. She has some wonderful friends that she has made this year, and they all have the same interests as well as a lot of the same boundaries, which is such a blessing. I would tell you to really think about what you are teaching your daughter. I know that you love your daughter and you want to do best for her, but sometimes what is best for our children is not the most popular thing. We are after all parents. I would not tell you to try and control or discourage her from being who she is, we all need to express ourselves. But we also need to make sure that we are sending a clear picture to our children on what morales and values we have in ourselves and what we want to teach them. I would just encourage you to take some alone time and do some thinking on what areas you would like to see some change in. Once you write it down, call a family meeting and then discuss these changes as a family. Let everyone have their say, and no interrupting or arguing. Write down their suggestions or comments and then you as the parent think about all that was said and come up with a compromise. I hope some of this was of some sort of help.

Sounds like you're doing it about right ... you can't knock her interests, you can just keep putting in occasional commentary about your beliefs. I think it's all pretty normal for a teen girl. I too would have a REALLY hard time about a $250 purse.

Remember the movie, "Bend It Like Beckham" about the two girl soceer players in England? The mother of the one girl wants her daughter to be really girly. You should watch it with your daughter and you can laugh about how different a mom and daughter can be and still love each other!

Maybe you should ask your daughter for some fashion advise -- "which shoes should I wear with this outfit" A little bit of role reversal might add some fun to your relationship.

Maybe talk with her and try to understand what she enjoys about these things. Depending on what it is may affect how you approach it. Is it peer pressure and wanting to fit in with her friends? Is it an attraction to what she percieves as a glamourous lifestyle? Is it experimenting with figuring out her own image? Is she just enjoying the costuming and playing at "dress up" in what whe perceives as a more "grown up" way? It will probably take quite a while of talking over time to understand, especially since kids this age are rarely aware of their own motivations.

In the meanwhile it may help to teach a bit about money management and money choices. Give her the tools to think about choices and their trade offs so she can learn to evaluate these things. That way it is not about you not approving of what she likes but teaching her that all choices have consquences. (For example if she buys an expensive purse now, she won't have the money for something else later. Getting her to think ahead may mean she decides for herself that the purse isn't worth the sacrifice of whatever it is she might want the money for later)

Just my opinion, milage may vary.
-Jen S

Hi P.!

Well, sorry to say that your daughter seems very normal to me :o) I thought it was just with our daughter that these things suddenly became what "life" was all about at age 11. We had to try to get her to understand that we bought what we could afford for her. Brand names wasn't an option if she wanted all the accessories to go with it.

This is a tough one, yes, but there are many affordable places to try to compromise with now. Of course you want her to feel "secure" with herself, and that's how this age decides that. Girls are hard....everything to them is life or death......we see these as silly things, and she see's them as the most important. Visa Versa, too.

Anyway, if I had to do it all over again, I would try to "care" about her wardrobe, and ALWAYS keep true to my word of budget. Most of the time I would go over budget for something really cute, but it became expected everytime and that was worse to deal with. Also, shopping for Christmas, birthdays, etc...got easier because that's all she loved for years!

Good Luck P....

:o) N.

Hi, P.. I dpn't know how much help I'll be because my girls are still small. But your situation sounds really hard. We want so much to bond to our children and it is so much easier when they are like us! I would guess that since she's 11 this could still be a "trying it out" phase or something her friends are really into also. It could take 10 years, but since you are her strongest role model, chances are she WILL end up being much more like you. Right now she's probably going to an extreme to prove that she is different and seperate from you, as every child needs to do. I also believe that what every person and child needs is someone to accept them for who they are, and let them know they are loved. I would say that time, (as if you had any extra!), listening, and some attention to what she "likes" would be worth it to let her know you love her and are interested in her. I taught high school for many years and you'd be suprised how many teens and pre- teens, although unable and unwilling to verbalize it, just want to be with their parents. If she lets you, sit in her room or bathroom as she primps and fusses. Talk to her, and listen if she talks (no matter how banal it sounds to you). You might be surprised how quickly it turns to something that seems "important" to you.
And for you- good job doing such a hard job with two kids all the time! I'm not gonna say make time for yourself because I know it is impossible most of the time. Nothing could make more of an impact on the world than the time, energy,a nd life you've deicated to your kids. Best of luck

As a mom of a teenage girl, and three upcoming teenagers myself, I believe it is completely normal that you and your daughter do not have the same interest or opinions. There is an age difference there. Fortunately, she is still innocent and does not have to deal with raising two kids alone, dealing with an ex and working to support your family. Her "dealings" are with fashion, popularity, music and boys. I envy those times when my biggest decision of the day was what to wear and if a boy was going to talk to me. Trivial to us as adults, yes. Important to kids, big yes. Eleven year old girls are suppose to be silly. Maybe if you found a way for her to earn money to buy those "extra special" items, she will learn the importance of budgeting. Peer pressure is alive and well and we cannot protect our kids from it. She will learn, eventually grow out of it and join the rat race of survival that we, as adults, live everyday. But, for now, let her be silly and trivial. Most importantly you need to take some time out for yourself. Your description of yourself sounds angry and tired. It sounds like you have been thru alot the last 5 years and probably more. Take a deep breath and enjoy your kids. They grow up soooo fast. Good Luck.

I totally agree with Laura M, even if she has four boys. I have four girls, my oldest is ten. I disagree that an obsession with fashion in "normal" for a girl this age. I do agree that it has a lot to do with what they read in magazines, see on the television, and who they associate with at school. My daughter, fortunately for me, has chosen to stick with girls that like to craft and still play with toys. It all could change in a year. Other girls in fourth grade are definately into the current fashions and whos who in hollywood.

You are very patient to allow her to pursue her interest in fashion. You have every right to set the rules and expectations within your own home, even those on fashion. The world (the media) doesn't have much of value to teach our young people, it is up to us to set limits and realistic expectations. Go with your gut. You sound like a great mom, kudos to you for being as patient as you are. I have very little tolerance for all that nonsense myself. I ended up with four daughters and I don't even wear make-up! Heaven help them (and me). Take Care.

she is lucky to have you to balance her. many "trendies" are mimicing a materialistic value system learned at home. i applaud your ability to give her the freedom to pursue her interests. keep on showing her the value of the important things in life that you can't buy at nordstrom. i promise it is all sinking in. no really it IS!

P.,
She sounds like a perfectly normal 11 year old girl to me. She is trying to find her identity - which is a normal stage all kids go through around that time (I'm sure you remember.) Kids her age are naturally very observant to other people, and comparing themselves to that, especially physically. She likely is beginning to scrutinize you (mostly your appearance) as well, but this has nothing to do with you really. It has to do with the way she sees herself.
She will likely grow out of it on her own, but if you'd like to help her along. I would try to get her mind off of herself and try to change her paradigm. Some suggestions...
1. Get involved in charity. My mother got us (my 3 sisters and I) involved with NCL (National Charity League.) Its a mother daughter organization that preforms charitable events in the surrounding communities. One of the most profound experiences I did there was work the soup kitchen at the Richmond Rescue Mission. I finally got a sense of how lucky I was to grow up not needing.
2) Reach out to Moms of kids that you like (kids you think would be a good influence on your daughter.) Start hanging out as families and encourage your daughter to hang out with the girls you like.
3) Encourage you daughter to do things that get her "in the moment." This will be different for each person. Does she like art, sports, dance? What is she into (besides fashion?)
4) It sounds like you already do this, but when ever you go shopping with your daughter try to be matter of fact about budget and purchasing frivolous items. If she senses she's being judged - it will drive a wedge between you.
Good luck. I hope this helps.

You have gotten some good advice already. I guess I would agree with 2 main points: 1) make this a "teaching moment" and help her learn about the value of money. Buy her the basics and then make her earn money for things that are "luxuries" and let her choose how to spend it. Help her learn about budgeting and saving - write out a budget and show her a savings chart - i.e. the effect of compound interest. 2) Get her involved in some kind of philanthrpic activity where she can see that she is privileged to be in the position of spending on frivolous things. There are many charitable causes that she can learn about/volunteer with to see that most children do not have even the basics, let alone a $250 purse. In addition, I heard of a website you can go to(sorry, don't have the url) to learn about child slave labor in India/China, etc. they will tell you how they work to make our clothes that are then sold for exorbinant amounts of money. Rent the DVD "What Would Jesus Buy" - it's a great commentary about the over-consumption and consumerism of our country.

This is a great teaching/learning opportunity for you and your daughter about unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. Your daughter is not you and is going to have different feelings, outlooks,interests, and so on and that is o.k. that is one of the things that make all of us individuals. I think it is important to give her a strict budget, stick to it, and let her make her decisions on how she spends her budget. Maybe you could look on-line to she if you could help her find some of the items she likes at a cheaper price or different stores (Ross,Marshalls, Burlington Coat Factory) and then you are supporting both of your interests, her style and your budget or value. Celebrate your differences and try to share them with eachother, maybe have lunch together in a fashion that you like, home-made lunch, favorite restuarant, and then go get a pedicure together, something she really enjoys and maybe you will too, you never know.

It's perfectly normal, she'll grow out of it. It is good if you sit & watch the silly hannah montana with her, talk about the dumn disney stars, you'll be surprised how much kids share when you're just hanging out with them and not being on mom duty all the time. I know it sucks, but it's worth it and luckily only a phase.

I don't have girls--4 boys--so I don't exactly know what you are going through. However, i do have a niece with exactly the same ideas. She'd presently will spend her last dime on a $400 purse and matching shoes (Gucci). My advice to her mother was these types of purchases were only allowed with her own money--money she saved as gifts, or earned. Items mom purchased had a budget for the year. (she was a single mom on a limited budget with 4 kids). The Uggs she had to have were her only Christmas present. It they go into it knowing mom's limits, and you stand firm, it should work out. You are also the mom--you set the rules and the standards. If you don't agree with makeup at her age, limit it to lip gloss and mascara. As for the trendy clothes--again you set the standard. Nothing too revealing, etc. If you are buying it, you get a say in it. My mom raised my twin sister and I this way, and I think we turned our pretty good. Maybe you can spend some mom time with her experiencing what she likes (perhaps pedicures together), and then she has to reciprocate (an outing that you like). Kudos to you for raising them on your own--it may seem difficult now, but if they don't show their appreciation now, one day they will. Good luck.

Wow! It's so hard to relate to all the girlie things, isn't it? I would suggest teaching her the fun of bargain hunting at Goodwill, Target, Salvation Army and Ebay. This could be lots of fun for the two of you.

Good Luck!

Hi P.,

Everything is ok. You sound a bit at a loss in your message. If I were your friend I would think you don't sound so very happy.

Maybe your relationship with your daughter would improve a little more if there were less judgement about the preferences she adopts. Cause I mean really, the whole "Princees Tweens" thing is amped to the nth degree out there in adland, you know? If I were their age, I think I'd find it pretty difficult to avoid having it seep into my consciousness and take a toll on my family relationships too.

So she likes the princess thing, so what. It's all a shim sham anyway, unless you dig deeper and find stories about real Princesses. Diana was a real princess and she did an incredible amount of work to bring awareness to the world (!!!) about important work we can do in order to help others and relieve suffering. She's a modern Princess role model. That's a good thing in a lot of important ways.

Find examples of "good Princesses" and "bad Princesses" in order to help her figure it out.

It's important to her.

All the best,
M.

Hey P.!
Sandy sounds like she was at the right point. You should take her to the outlets in Vacaville, CA. There is so much name bran clothes there at a very very cheap price, and as for a 250 purse, dont forget she is only 11. There is nothing wrong with being high mainance but there is a limit to everything especially when your financially taking care of her. Trust me there are so much nice clothes for 11 year old girls that dont have to be pricey. Hope all is good

Well there is no easy way when you think differently. But one of thing i have found is pick your battles crefully. My girls reaaly liked make up too . My mother had to teach them how to use it and how much they wore. And she also thought me what to buy so it was only enough for a young girl. As for trendy clothes if you have a budget for her let her spend it on what you both argee is wright for her age. So what if she has to waer the same thing . As she will learn washing it herself often and having to wear it all the time is not any fun any more. As for expess maybe it would be fun to go shopping and find lots of sales.well good luck S.

Hi P., I have a 4 year old daughter who I think will head down the same path, I can see it coming. I wasn't "That Kid" because my family was very very poor, and there was just no opportunity for it.

While reading your post, I had an idea. Teaching at a university, you are exposed to young women of many different likings and dislikings. I am betting that there is a young woman that you see regularly that would be able to communicate to your daughter in a way that is real to her, what your ideals are about her lifestyle choices. For example, college girls now where and how to find trendy bags for $30 rather then $250, perhaps, befriending a younger woman and having a shopping buddy for the two of you as an outside influence for your daughter might be an idea. You would be able to prep and guide your shopping buddy as to what YOUR guidelines are, and ask that they be respected while letting your daughter express herself and have fun. You both can have the best of both worlds. There is room in this world for both. Your daughter will respect you, and adore you.

Just my $0.02

S. - working mommy of 2 in the silicon valley.

11 years old is to young to even be thinking of stuff like and you might want to have the talk with her about hwo she really is. I don't think she knows for what you're writing about her and hopefully it's only a temporary thing she's going through. I would also explain to her about the movie stars that aren't happy with themselves even with money, they can't can't cope with being real because they don't who they are. I also think explaining the value of the money and why it's so important for her to spend wisely. Dave Ramsey has a good website and it's some programs for younger children as well and it can help teach her how to save and invest. Good luck in whatever you do and know that you are doing the best that you can do, there's no manual for kids I don't can't what people say all children are different.

I think the part that bothers me most is the fact that your daughter is only 11 and she is into all this, including makeup. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but an 11-year-old girl should not be wearing makeup yet... she is just a kid. $250 on a purse? OMG... I cringe when I spend $50 on a purse. I am wondering if a lot of what she is doing is to compensate for losing her dad... and that maybe you are going along with it because you feel badly about her dad leaving. If I were you, I would be putting a quick halt to all this at least until she is older and can spend her own $ that she earns on these things. And, maybe a trip to counseling wouldn't hurt.

Its natural, but take her out of the country. 3rd world country so she sees poverty, will changer her life and give her some real life lessons, Maybe Gautamala, safe, cheap, and amazing!

She is at an age where you can start to teach what the "industry" is really about. I guess that is a vaugue suggestion, but I lost all aching for that stuff as a teenager when I learned about the socialogical effect of commercials on some people, the fact that advertisers know this and still do anything for the money. Try to her her understad that she is being duped. That our shallow buying culture is directly responsiblefor the misery of millions of miserable people in Mexico, CHina etc. The economy is changing. Our kids are going to have to get used to the fact that the consummerism of the 90's is not going to work as they become adults. There just isnt enough in the world.

I have a 11 year old girl myself she will be twelve next month. Having differant tastes is good and at 11 she is just starting the jorney of who she is. Now is the tine we as moms we can influnce then and know we have the final descion at there age. Take this time to teach her how to get these trending items at a bargin. How to strech you clothing budget. As moms its are job to teach our girls about money and how to save and how to spend. If there is something she really must have have her work for it and earn the money. It gives the girls a real sence of how hard it is to make money and value what you are going to spend it on.
A $250 purse for a eleven year old is not approirate. Try a knock off or TJ Maxx, Nordstrom Rack,Ross, Marshalls. They have the name brands at a fraction of the price. Online shopping at the more popular stores have pretty good clearance. When you go shopping at the name brand stores make it a rule to only by on sale. Then you are both happy.
Hope this helps have a great day.

M.

I was concerned about this with my 4 year old! Not that she is this way, but that she will be influenced later in life. Anyway -- a dear friend of mine who is also a MFT told me that putting too much attention on what I didn't want her to value will likely make it more in her mind. She suggested that I just go with it -- limiting the material things to what I feel is appropriate and when a situation comes up that has nothing to do with a material item --really talk a lot about how great that experience is and how that experience is something that will last longer (than a pair of jeans, so to speak). If you are watching TV and there is a story about someone doing something great -- talk about how beautiful they are.

I would suggest looking online for a "playgroup" (so to speak) for 'non-trendy' Moms with with trendy daughters. There are almost certainly other Moms in similar situations. You might try Craigs List (or Mamasource) or even just Google it for your area. You just need to find one who has a girl who is close in age to your daughter. I would buy her the basics, then have her earn at least part of something expensive/trendy that she wants to get. She can babysit or become a Mommy's Helper or help neighbors garden (pull weeds, etc.) to earn the extra funds.

Don't lose sight of your son's needs during all of this. Even if he's not trendy, he will need his own form of special attention too. (Hopefully he has a male relative who he can use as a better role model than "dad".)

Shop at Ross, they have name brands and alot less expensive. All kids seem to be so influenced with the television and material things around us (cell phone, ipods, whatever it may be)! I am a mom of 4...ages 14 girl, 12 buy, 6 boy, and 13mos boy. I volunteer with the homeless in the area so my children are exposed to what having nothing really is! We all wanted things when we were younger, but it doesn't mean we got them. If you say no, then stick to no, it's your choice...she will be mad until she turns 25, has her own kids and realizes that YOU WERE RIGHT! Hope this helps!

I think having freedom to dress and look the way a child wants is very important but there must be boundaries.

I don't want to sound mean but allowing an 11 year old to buy a $250 purse is very excessive, even if you can afford it. I am wondering how much she is allowed to spend on other items, shoes, jeans, jewelry?????? Can you really afford this type of expenditure or are you not wanting to disappoint her or upset her. What will help her more in the long run? The expensive items that will be discarded almost as quickly as they were purchased or a responsible foundation of money management? Will your child end up in severe credit card debt later in life because she cannot budget and logically spend her money? Again I am not trying to sound mean but this type of spending is really bad for her.

It sounds like the clothing budget is your budget, not hers. You are allocating so much of your income to her clothing budget. She is allocating much of HER budget to a purse. Maybe her budget should be set to a monthly budget, on paper, and then she can see how much/how little she really has for that $250 purse.