Support for Infertility

I wouldn't leave any food on her front porch. Send her a card or email saying you're there for her, should she ever need to talk. My sister dealt with infertility and miscarriages for years and she said getting food was the worst. I didn't ask why. She really preferred kind words.

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Hi R.,
I have to agree with Jill's comments. I think she is right on the money. I went through infertility (due to genetic issues in my husband's family. at least we knew what we were dealing with!) for 7+ years with 3 IVF's, 3 IUI's and 11 miscarriages. When you want to get pregnant and you can't, every person out there with children somehow becomes the "enemy". I was so jealous that I couldn't really see straight. I think loving support (via cards, supportive texts, e-cards) are all great. Food was fine too. I really just wanted to hide under the covers, especially after the 12 day wait was over and the answer was "no" you aren't pregnant. Just support and love. Don't offer advice, don't ask about other options (different dr's, etc), just tell her you love her and are there for her in any way she might need. I know exactly the "devastated" she means and no one can make her feel better right now. You are a great family member/friend to be concerned for her. Massive hugs to both of you! Warmly, B.
ps. I have one angel baby now, Grace. She just turned 4. Miracles DO happen. Don't let her ever give up!!

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You have gotten a ton of great advice, most spot on, especially from the ladies who have been through it themselves. We are going through IVF right now too; we have had two transfers, 3 embryos total between the two, and not one has implanted. It IS truly the most isolating, lonely, difficult, depressing thing I have ever done. I never thought I would be in this situation and my story comes with its own unique background, but I've learned that every person going through infertility shares the same feelings, regardless of how they arrived at the need for the procedure.

Definitely do not talk about kids/your kids. I have two of my own already so at least I can say that, but it doesn't change the fact that when you are going through IVF, babies and pregnant women are literally EVERYWHERE. You go to the nail salon to escape, there's the cover of People with some celeb and her baby. You go to the mall for retail therapy, strollers everywhere. Even the grocery shopping turns into seeing the deli people oooh and aaah over a customer's baby. This is one reason why she wants to crawl under the covers and not get up, trust me. There is no escape. Facebook is the absolute worst - if she is on it, I hope she doesn't log on often.

The best way for you to show support is to just extend your hand gently and regularly. A daily text that reminds her you are here if she needs you, a card in the mail, whatever she will tolerate. I am undecided on the food idea; while I love that it gives her one less thing to deal with/think about (I am biased, I hate making dinner!), it does seem like she could feel like people think she is sick or something. But the thing is, she is grieving the way anyone would if they lost a loved one, and this is one thing we'd do for family members who lose loved ones... so I am undecided. You know her better than we do and should make that call.

When she is "up" and a little more communicative, I suggest getting out for a walk, lunch, even a massage; anything that gets her good hormones flowing. As I have found this past year, having friends to talk to who just listen and are supportive is the best thing. I can only name one or two, but I have them and they have saved me. I also have been seeing a therapist and that has helped tremendously. I suggest that if she hasn't started already. I have never tried the group support setting but I think that would be wonderful too.

You are so kind to post this. I wish the best for you and your family members.

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Having struggles through IVF (our son was conceived the 3rd round of IVF), my heart is breaking for her.

I think it's so sweet of you to leave a dinner on the porch with a card of loving support. Just text her early in the day to ask when a good time is to drop on the porch (and that you won't be staying- just dropping off).

When some time has passed, you might mention that there are a LOT of IVF research studies that fund part/all of the treatment costs and/or drugs. The last one we did covered a majority of the cost. These treatments are usually nothing more than trying one drug over the other.

She could ask to be notified of any studies by the clinic. If her clinic says they don't have any, try another clinic.

Most people think the odds are that you'll get pregnant on the first try; that's simply not so.

Prayers are with her and her husband. It's the hardest thing in the world to go through.

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a dozen roses delivered. with the words "we love you!"

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Send her an email and let her know that you're there for her whenever she's ready to talk. Then just wait for her to call you. If she does, just listen...let her unload and be sympathetic.

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I agree not to talk about other options like adoption, or to complain about one's own kids. When I was going through this, people said things like, "Be glad you don't have kids. You won't believe what my four year old puts me through." Don't start any sentence with "Well, you can always...."

I know she said she doesn't want to talk to anyone - she doesn't have the words. And she texted in order to let you know without actually talking. She may want to inform you, and may hope you will tell others in her close circle so she doesn't have to and so they don't ask. Repeating the bad news is so hard, as is waiting for people to inevitably ask what you don't want to hear.

But you might give her some info on a group called Resolve. They are a national organization with local chapters as well as on line support. These are women/couples going through the same things. Let her know there are others who DO understand their devastation.

I would think a card of support - with very few words - would be nice.

The food is a nice gesture, to give her less to do. BUT it's also something people do a lot when someone dies and that may be how she is feeling in some ways - that she lost her baby or her chance for one. Also, the hormonal treatments for IVF can cause weight gain, so food may be more of a problem than a help.

Just let her know you are there for her but don't expect her to talk. What she needs today may be different from what she needs in a few weeks. I know it's hard to feel helpless and unable to do anything helpful. But that's how she feels too.

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A gift card to a restaurant, a greeting card of any kind... but I think getting out of the house is a good idea, so I like the gift card to a restaurant, to sort of force them out.
We struggled with fertility for years too... it's so touchy, so personal, so much of a roller coaster - and it seems no one understands how to be quiet and listen and not offer any advice. No one knows what casuses this or how long it will take or if you will ever be successful, so pretending that they will one day is frustrating and belittling to the long journey they have already endured.
Exercise is also good - perhaps you could offer to go for a walk together in a park or the neighborhood, or take her to a class you like. This will act as stress relief and support.
If there is a hobby you both enjoy, spend some time doing that. Don't bring up the subject, but if she does, listen and be supportive without offering those empty words of support like "it will happen someday" or any of the stories about people who end up conceivingon their own after years of infertility.
You could possibly bring up questions abotu drug trials, if she has asked, or is she has been involved... maybe things like that - new hope.
Good luck.

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I think if you want to do food, text her to let her know you'll be dropping it by. Just say "I know you don't want to take, but I thought this would give you one less thing to worry about. I'll bring it about _____ , but I won't plan on staying unless you want me to."
Then when you drop it by you can give her a big hug too.

I like some of the other ideas, too, about flowers/gift cards/etc.

Main thing is don't press her. She will talk when she is ready. I have several friends who have gone through failed IVF. It can be so hard to talk about, especially to people who have children conceived naturally or not.