Supervising Instant Messaging of 12 Year Old Girl

I am married, 26 year old mother of an almost 11 month old and a school nurse. I used IM frequently in high school and college. Let me initially say that I really like the comments I have read already. Especially 2 points contained in them "my daughter, my rule" / "my property (computer/house/phone), my rule" AND privacy (aka trust) is a PRIVILEGE that has to be earned.

LISTEN: Be the parent acknowledge that you hear her complaints by saying something like "I understand you are upset and feel like your life is ruined." This validates that you heard her emotions and words. Be sure to listen to what she says back. Then stick to your guns!!!!!!!!! Don't let her emotional response to you catching her disobedience deter you from protecting her! Increase the punishment for disobeying... use your judgment for how but draw a line and stick to it. In addition consider pre-stating the next punishment for getting back on IM. For example, if you are on IM again while you are grounded from it, you can't go to the (fill in something she has been planning on doing) football game on Friday night.

WHO: Second figure out WHO is on her buddy list, especially who has been in the problematic conversations. You didn't mention if you have determined who she was talking to, one way or the other. Is it Sam from math class, someone who IMed her online, or a friend of a friend. Remember that you don't want to know what the IMing says they are but what your daughter has seen (She should be able to tell you race <it's a visual thing that doesn't usually come up in IM>, gender, and age/grade pretty easily about each of them and maybe where she met them if you don't know... like I met him when I went to the mall with Jill).

RULES: Third, I would suggest you create an online etiquette that clearly show your expectations for your daughter. (This would be the HOW to type/talk.) Be sure that your daughter understands that the same rule apply to IM, email, chat rooms (I really suggest forbidding those completely since identity of whom you talk to is virtually unverifiable), online multi-player games, etc. Also, I would hope this would be along the same lines of the face-to-face etiquette you taught her since she was a baby.
1) The first rule should be never type anything you wouldn't say to the persons face (or maybe even with your mom in the room). Of note: "Our daughter says we are "ruining her life" by getting into her IM world." Kids today tend to view the internet as a place to be/say/do things they might never get to be/do in reality. The reality is the computer at your office is NEVER private from your supervisors and your home computer and online activity can be used by the courts.
2)The second but very important rule that your daughter can't IM anyone your daughter hasn't met in person. There are 2 ways to chat with people you have never met... 1)Friend of a friends are dangerous, although they sound interesting. The known classmate could have accepted some claimed identity but it could really be a 40 year old pervert. Or the less extreem version is her older 7th grade friend introduces her to her older 9th grade friend. The other way people "meet" online is by looking thorough a directory. One thing many people don't realize is when you first select an email or IM name there is an option to have it listed in an online directoy. This seems like a good way for long lost friends to find your new ID. NOTICE that these directories can be browsed by ANYONE!!!! Don't let her be listed in these directories.

FOLLOW UP:If you haven't already, set a date for re-evaluation of the privilege of IM. "Your father and I will discuss how you are doing in a month/2 weeks and decide if you have earned the privilege back" Then start with a limit on the length of time and time of day she can be on to when you are in the HOUSE, the same room is even better. I wouldn't remove those notifications at all but at least not until she has proven consistently she can be trusted for months and months. An easy way to monitor usage but not specific content is to get an IM name yourself and be signed in on it all the time on another computer (if you have one), then have her (and maybe some of your friends kids) as your buddy. You can set IM to notify you every time when she becomes active or signs in. This only works if you are on IM at the time. You can check "idle time." to tell if she has really just been signed on and not talking or closing the window when you walk up behind her.

I personally had parents who had very clear guidelines for my behavior. They never typed them up but they also were the same since I was a little girl. When I got onto the internet, they carried over. My parents knew that as a kid sometimes it is hard to know what you believe about cussing or whatever the issue is. I was given permission (multiple times) to blame mom and dad. If I couldn't figure out how to tell my friend I didn't want to be IM-ed about her make-out details I could blame my parents. This also held true for ANY activity or party I didn't want to go to, regardless of the reason. They said it was their JOB to be the heavy. Their only stipulation, was that I tell them when I used them as an excuse, so they could back me up and be the heavy. You may want to consider giving her this option to blame you if a friend uses a bad word or starts a ifffy subject. "Remember my mom will read this" or "I really want to be able to IM and my mom is such a pain, and will take it away if we IM about that"

When I got to college a friend introduced me to yahoo games like pool and poker. I often had to be VERY clear that I didn't want to talk about sex, what I was wearing, ect to get to JUST PLAY A GAME. I eventually stopped playing unless I could arrange to meet a friend in the game area.

Best of luck... you are just starting. Be firm... it's easier to loosen up.

2 moms found this helpful

The bottom line is that you're the parent and she is the child. She does not know what is best for her, nor does she know what dangers lurk on her computer screen. You need to stand firm that you will ALWAYS be viewing her IMs and emails, regardless of how old she is, until she leaves your home. I have a 15 year old daughter (soon to be 16) and I still monitor her computer activity. We have parental controls set up for websites and chat rooms. I frequently read her myspace page messages (both sent and received) and any emails or IMs. I also read all of her text messages on her phone that she is dumb enough to not delete. Obviously, we cannot protect them every minute of every day, but don't for one minute feel guilty about protecting her when you have the ability to do so. Your mother probably also "ruined your life" when you were younger and you survived it. She will, too. She may not like you right now, but you have lots of time when she gets older to be friends. Now is the time for parenting and teaching her what is appropriate. I say continue to monitor -- if you ever let her back on. I would suspend her screen name right now so she can't even IM on someone else's computer. Teach her your serious and that if she can't respect the rules, she loses the privilege for good. Good luck. It only gets harder for the next couple of years!

2 moms found this helpful

She needs to know that privacy must be earned. Also, it wasn't that long ago that I was a teen and all I ever wanted from my mom was an explanation as to why I couldn't do something. All I got from my mom was, "Because." One time I asked my dad for a tongue ring and his response was, "We pay all this money for you to go to the doctor and stay healthy, and you wanna go poke holes in your body. No." It wasn't what I wanted, but at least he had a reason. Maybe you should try to open the communication between you and your daughter. Explain to her your concerns, why she can't and even why she CAN do things. This way she has more understanding of what her requirements are and won't blow up when you reprimand her "out of nowhere". She'll expect your expectations.

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I remember those days. First off every teenage girl goes through this now adays. Second off I applaud you for watching on her IM's.

It may be "tough love" what I"m about to tell you but show her what happens to young girls. When grounding and when punishment doesn't work. Show her sex offenders, show her things like that and it might put the light into her head that if she's just chatting with a random person she might not know who it is, whether its really the 14 year old boy that the person says it is or a 47 year old man that is a sever pervert.

Good luck!

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Hang tight. No one else is going to protect/set limits for your child, so that job falls to you--even if she is mad at you for it and it "ruins her life"! (If she wants to see a ruined life, think what would happen if she has sex at 12, 13, etc.!) Privacy is a limited privilege for a minor child (though they are shocked to hear this). When she's self-supporting at age 18 or 21, she will have more privacy. Besides, privacy (and IMing) are privileges to be earned by responsible behavior.
I'm a mom of 5, 4 of whom are grown. I did some "ruining" when my kids were teens and probably should have done more!

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Hi A.,
I'm new this but my advice would be to take away EVERYTHING! I have a 11 1/2 daughter and a 15 (soon to be 16) daughter. I was in the same situation and finally the base of the computer was taken away, hangin out with friends who were bad influnences, phone usage, what ever it took to make them understand that it was unacceptable in this society for them to act this way. I had my daughters watch the evening news for a few nights and sure enough there was a teenage girl who had been kidnapped because of the internet use, and was killed. We talked about this and I think and hope that it hit home with them.
I know its hard being a parent, I wish you the best.

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I support you 100% however try not to punish your child for others childrens actions....she knows how to block them or not respond to certain comments...I think you need to get in contact with the other childrens parents because they may not know whats going on. Have you ever caught your child doing or saying something bad? You definitely dont want to loose your daughter's trust. Maybe try only i hour per day and you can save her converstions go under her settings.is it aol? I have a 14year old daughter wait til she starts talking on the phone!

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Your 12 year old doesn't need to like you, she needs to respect you, and you need to continue fighting for her purity. Great going with the surveillance you've already done and restrictions she has. If it costs her some friends, those certainly don't seem to be friends she should have.

As a mom, we are responsible for bringing up our kids to understand reality and the consequences for our actions, and I commend you for making that a priority. I would seriously urge you to continue your blockage of IM (and applying punishments when this is disobeyed), and privileges not returned until you become aware of great progress in her character. 12 year olds shouldn't be talking about casual sex, and if it were up to me, they wouldn't even know what that was! She is not going to grow up badly socialized, she's going to grow up knowing that her parents loved her enough to keep her purity and her character at the forefront; and that's where it should be. I'll pray for you!

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Hold strong, A.! While you might be invading her privacy a little, you are also finding that she needs some guidance and boundaries - and at a very important time in her development! As hard as it is to think about, she needs you to "interfere" and manage her boundaries before she is hurt, pregnant, or has an STD...now THAT would lead to some invasion of her privacy! I hope that this challenging time will lead you into some good conversations, and heart-warming times, with your daughter. Good luck!

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You are doing the correct thing by supervising your daughters instant messaging. It is a shame that other parents do not do the same thing. If more parents would do this, than you wouldn't have so much of these inappropriate conversation going on between young people. When it comes to privacy (some might disagree)12 year olds really don't have any!! We as parents need to remember that these children are our responsibility. While some might say they want their children to have the freedom to express themselves, if something goes wrong, it is the parents who will be held at fault. I encourage you to continue to do what you are doing. Talk to your daughter and help her to understand that at 12 these conversations are not ones that she needs to be involved in. Regardless of what her friends are doing, she has to understand your rules and what you expect from her.

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First of all in my opinion 12 year old does not "need" privacy, if they want privacy let them get their own home and they can have all the privacy they want. My now 14 year old was going to inappropriate places on the internet , guess what? .. I had parental controls set up as well but one of his little "friends" at school taught him how to by pass them to get to the internet without any and see whatever he wanted, your child might be doing the same thing at her friends house. My son has been permenetly off the computer for over a year now, and when he goes to a friends house I tell the parent that they have very strict internet rules at home and he cannot use the internet at anyone's house, if you feel the parent will disregard this then your child needs to find another friend. We as parents need to step in a do what is best for our child, sure they will cry and say things like "you are ruining my life" ect. but they will survive without it, my son has and when he wants to use it for school or whatever the computer can only be used when I sign him on and it is in the living room where I can look over and see what he is doing, plus I have the main screen set up where you have to put in a pw to even use the computer, if he doesn't know the pw then he cannot even log in. They are children its our job to protect them, and they won't like it but to bad.

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No matter what your daughter says to you, you are the parent. It is your job to "ruin her life". She is only 12 and needs a parent to guide her. She doesn't fully realize what she is writing in reference to and it is your job to let her know what is and is not appropriate language.
Don't stop monitoring her IMing! If she wants privacy, she can pay for the bill. You are doing the right thing by stepping in. Stay strong and remember that although she will yell and scream and say things that may hurt you, you are doing the right thing by protecting your child!!!!!

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You daughter might think you're ruining her life now, but when she gets older she'll thank you for saving it. I think you're doing the right thing by being involved rather she likes it or not. Tell her you love her everyday and until she starts making better decisions, she'll have to stay restricted from the things she likes...

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Hi mom. I know the things she says now are probably hurtful to you, but you are right her safety is your first priority. My daughter is only 1 years old and I'm not even looking forward to those hard years. The only advice I have for you is something my mom always taught me and that is you are not her friend and stand strong to your convictions. She will start to learn that you mean buisness and don't let her know that her words can hurt you, because one day she will feel bad for the things she said as a teen and when that happens you just hold her and tell her you love her. Just rememeber the friendship you will have with her as adult is worth waiting for. So stay srong you will get through this.

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Well to begin with you have to remember you were 12yr old once. maybe you didn't have IM than but you had note writing. come on lady you never had any out of the way conversation. Sometimes you have to rely on how you raised you kids. If you have instilled family values into them let them run with it a little. it is exciting for you daughter to have a "grown up" conversation. I remember well how confusing it was at 12yrs old. i didn't know if i was to be a little girl or a teenager. give her some time, keep telling her your values but don't beat her over the head with it. you will be sorry. remember if you keep fighting her on this you will get no where but hurt. she will find away around you. be her Mom and her best friend with in reason. keep prayer in your life, it works.

Privacy...hmmm...my youngest son (who is 17) knows that his privacy is strictly tied to his ability to earn it. In my opinion, your daughter has not earned the right to have some privacy. She was warned about vulgar language in email as well as IM's and she has not heeded that warning. My son is aware that I check his room, his computer, his cell phone and his car. So I do these checks every minute of every day? No. But he is aware that he has no idea when I will do a spot check and his ability to have any privacy is directly related to what I find. Kids today need so much structure and guidence.My children have always known that mom has ways of knowing what they did while she was gone. Mom knows if the car has been moved...they have not figured out how I know yet, but they know if they do, mom will know. I would explain to your daughter that if you cannot trust her to do what you ask in email and IM's how can she ever expect you to trust her to stay at home alone? To drive a car? To go on a date? It is because I check on my son that I trust him.
V.

you are in no way breaking her trust especially when you told her from the beginning that you would be monitoring what was being said in her im's and emails. basically if she wants to get real about the issue it is her that is breaking the trust. you and hubby should sit down with her and tell her like it is. especially if you are a christian family. explain that this is not what a person regardless of age sex or status should be talking about online. when she tells you it's her life remind her that you are in charge of and are responsible for her life until she turns 18 nd as a loving caring parent are trying to kep her safe and on the right path. if she can't keep her content or subjects to a G rating then she isn't mature enough for the internet world. tell her you're sorry she believed her to be mature enough and that you are sorry you introduced her to this harmfull world. let her know you think it is your fault and you wre the one that was wrong sense you are the one that is to blame for her actions (children don't like being told they are wrong) and that until you think she can handl the temptations she will be on hold for awhile. another idea too is to try a christian based chat site that she can use instead. i've never tried one butit may be of better content.

hope this gives you some ideas, T.

Don't get involved with her blame game of saying you are the one who got her IM privileges stopped. Her IM privileges are to be continued while she is acting responsibly, and when she is not living up to the rules you established, she has to bear the consequences. She has control of her IM access, it is based on her behavior.

A.,

I have a 12 year old daughter as well. The only thing I can suggest is continuing to talk to her. I remember when I was 12. The world revolved around me and I wanted to do what I wanted to do regardless what my parents said. The one thing they constantly did was to always tell me right from wrong. Eventually I got it.

Privacy for young girls is major. Showing that you trust her is huge in gaining her trust. Know she will only tell you what she wants you to know. The best thing to do is to talk to her, guide her and trust that she will make the best decisions in life.

Oh wow, good luck and hang tough! My children are still too young for computers, but I have 7 nieces and nephews ranging in ages from 6-16 between two sisters. My older sister's two oldest, 16 & 13 are now doing the texting on phones etc. They removed IM from their home computer and the home computer is in the sunroom where they can only use it when they ask. Yes, they have many battles now, and they were seen as the worst parents when IM was removed permanently and they regularly monitor the computer. But I can just see with the texting, how obsessive these kids get with this stuff. My sister also won't let them go to friends houses where all they are doing is IMing and there is no parental supervision. Again, the battles get rough, but they are very good kids, good grades, etc. I would just say from watching my sister and brother-in-law to stick together with your spouse on your rules and don't bend. Kids are not "entitled" to IM, computers, phones, etc. The sad thing is that none of them are even going to have normal person to person communication skills once they get to college, etc. if all they do is hide behind the technology they can now. I know, .....probably easier said than done, but I see it working so far with my niece and nephew. Good luck!

Hi There,

I suggest that you go to your nearest Mediation Center and make an appointment to have some Mediation with your daughter/daughters. D.

Hi A. ~
She WILL get over it! I disconnected my 15 yr. old daughter's computer after a long battle over this. It's addictive! They spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME just IMing each other and, yes, the language and content is appalling. They have plenty of time to chat with each other on the bus, in school or on the phone(limit that, too!) But at least there are people around and they have to be more conscious of their language and content.
My daughter was upset at first, but now doesn't even think about it anymore. She is only allowed to use the computer at school in the library for school related projects. I don't even let her use my computer. Once in awhile I'll look something up for her and print it out if she needs something for school. Her grades have improved and my mind is more at ease. It's been a win-win situation. Kudos to you!
~ K.

Honestly, it is a good parent's job to "ruin the life" of a child who is heading into trouble. I think all Internet use should be monitored (do you have software that records chat sessions and sends you reports?) and computers should never be online in kids' rooms. I'd contact a technosavvy friend and ask him/her about blocking the program in question.

However, I also think that part of the issue is your young preteen's conversations. What have you told her about relationships, sex, predators, etc? Why is she having these conversations? Is she talking to people she doesn't know in real life? As you probably realize, she'll log on elsewhere, so part of the solution has to be changing her attitude and making her realize the dangerous game she's playing - which may not just be online.

Maybe something here (or on another site you find) will help: http://safekids.com/guidelines-for-parents/

Keep getting in her business.

I am having the exact same problem with my 12 yr old. When I see it I make her get off and if it happens more often she is not allowed to go to the site or chat with that person any more. They have so many kids sites now days and there are just kids who's parents don't supervise what is going on. She gets angry with me as well but she also knows that my job is not to keep her happy with things that are wrong for her. Just like you I have been home with my kids as well. My job is to insure that they have respect for themselves and others and to know there are limits in life. I believe privacy is earned by respecting the rules and my rule is if the language is bad or the subject is bad get off now!

A. - this is my opinion - but keep "ruining her life".. That's our job as parents - my kids are 12, 14 (girls) and 16 (son) and they all say the same thing to me from time to time. What's interesting is I used to say the same thing to my parents when they put limits on what I could and could not do and I turned out ok. I guess the bottom line is this - your daughter is 12 yo and if she is bold enough to talk about sex when she knows you are reading her IMs then you need to talk to her about the dangers of sex - the almost certainly of teen pregnancy and the almost certainty now days of HIV and AIDS or even STDs. I know it seems young but I'm a nurse and I see girls 12 and 13 having babies. We need to keep our kids informed. AND if she continues to have these conversations on IM or email then you continue to stand your ground as her mom and love her enough to keep her from it. If you know she is IMing at a friends house you can ground her from going to the friends house. PS she is 12 yo and doesn't have any privacy - trust is important - but clearly trust has to be earned and she doesn't sound like she is doing a great job earning it at this point. My girls went through a short period of mis-using their text messaging on their phones - they lost their phones for about 2 weeks - and I take them and read them any time I want to AND if there is anything inappropriate I take them again. Same with IM and email - I have all of their log ins and their passwords and thats the only way they are allowed on the computer to use it. If you need someone to talk to to help you stay strong - you can call me - we can get together for coffee and share ideas about how to keep a handle on our 12 year old daughters.
Blessings my friend and know that it is our job as their moms to keep them straight and in line until they can do it themselves and they will not always like the decisions that we have to make for their safety.

Teenagers are going to "hate" their parents anyway so you might as well do what is right for her rather than what makes her happy. Tell her that until she is 18 years old you have every right to read her email and IM. Tell her that if she isn't saying anything wrong then it shouldn't matter. I think you should also make it clear to her what you expect from her when she is using email and IM. It is also extremely important to make sure she is not passing personal information on or talking to people that she does not know.

You may also want to have a serious sex talk with her since she talks about it so freely to make sure she has the facts. She will most likely be totally embarrassed by it but she will take the info b/c at this point she is learning all kinds of information and yours may make the most sense. She won't admit that to you though! It is shocking how many 12 year olds are sexually active these days. Make sure she is educated.

On a side note. There is a software that I actually use on my cell phone b/c my ex is harassing and abusive to track his text messages. Go to www.mymobilewatchdog.com you can register your childs phone and any communication they do on that phone (even email, IM, text, all calls, all contacts) can be seen by you and monitored. You can print reports and everything. It's very cool.

Good Luck!

I think -- no, I KNOW you're doing the right thing! Too many parents are just letting their kids have too much freedom when it comes to IM, texting and cell phone usage. And at 12, your daughter might feel that she can handle all the emotions that come with interacting with boys in a highly sexually charged atmosphere, but she really doesn't. It's your job to protect her and guide her in making the right decisions.

Ugh, I feel for you. I dread the teenage years already. I have several different thoughts on this. First, good for you for being an active parent and monitoring her computer use. Obviously, as you are finding out, there's a reason parents need to do this. Second, forget privacy at this point. She has broken rules and continues to engage in inappropriate behavior and therefore has lost her right to privacy for now. Third, the fact that she casually tosses around (and accepts other to do so to her) filthy language and more importantly, sexual banter means that she probably thinks about these things casually. You need to have a very serious heart-to-heart with her. At 12, to be talking casually about sex is cause for concern in my book. If she accuses you of ruining her life, simply tell her it's your job to "ruin her life" if the life she is opting for is one that is inappropriate and dangerous and that when she is 18, she can make her own choices, but for now, you are the mom. Also, if she is going to use IM at friend's houses, do not let her go to those friend's houses. A no is a no regardless of where you are. I assume the rule against IM does not just apply to the computer in your home. Don't be her friend, be her mom and keep up the good work. Good luck!

All the responses here are excellent, I really don't think I can add anything but I did want to applaud your efforts. She's only *12* and you are the parent! I find it VERY refreshing to find a parent who is actually ACTING like a parent in this situation! In a few years, your daughter will be more mature and it will hit her how much you must love her to protect her this way. It's so much better to have a daughter that is huffy with you now than a daughter who is a statistic in years to come. Chin up!!

Keep up the good work! I love to see parents who actually parent. So many out there say that you should give your daughter privacy and that you should let her make her own decisions. I say, those are the parents whose daughters are pregnant at 12 or 13. If you want to work it out with her, so she feels a little more in charge you can always talk to her about the rules and let her help make some of the decisions... For example, you can sit down with her and say, "I will continue to read your emails and IM and these are things that are not allowed to be said in any way, shape, or form (sex, bad language, talking bad about people, etc.) I will however, let you take charge of telling your friends not to talk that way when they IM you, if you don't, what do you think your punishment should be?" Let her decide, but it needs to be something you both agree is a fitting punishment. I would caution you to not take away the internet so quickly because at least there, you can monitor what is said, a phone call is much harder to monitor. You can always tell her that you will be looking through her backpack and picking up the phone occassionally when she's on. You are doing the right thing, give her space only where it is appropriate to do so (bathroom?). You are the mom and it is your job to protect her. I personally think that if she can't "police" her own IMs and keep her friends in line, then a good idea is to take away all communications with friends (phone, computer).
As a note, she may think that she can get away with more now that you are working part-time. She thinks you are partly distracted. You have to show her that first and formost, you are her mother, and that will never change.

I am so impressed with you!!

First, let me tell you that you and your husband have done the right thing by suspending her IM. In reference to her privacy, let her know that she has no privacy in your home. She is 12 years old and not old enough to make rational decisions. I know that you may want to give her some space but right now she is showing that she can not be trusted, because after you told her about the previous IMing she was doing and how inappropiate they were she went to a friends home and did the very thing you told her not to. Restrict your 12 year old to the house and remove the computer from her reach and explain why you have done this. Take back control of her life and don't beat yourself up because she's unhappy, believe me she will thank you later.

Please don't give up in your battle! Try being very frank about what the dangers are. We had someone come to our church a few months back to discuss protecting our children / teens online. He share an anecdote where he asked one of his colleagues to go into a chat room his daughter was visiting regularly. This friend set up a false identity and tried to get info out of the girl--name, address, high school--anything he could use to identify her with. She was fairly careful, but he was still able to track her down and drive to her school and find her in person. The parents then invited this colleague over to their home and let him explain to the daughter what he had done (he was a complete stranger to her). It was a bit of a rude awakening to her to find out that someone could track her down from her seemingly innocent conversations online. Online chats, email, etc., are a privilege to be used very carefully--just like a license to drive a car. I personally do not think it is a right for any child. There are many advocate groups offering ideas on how to work with your children to provide safe and appropriate experiences online.

Everyone so far has given you great advice. I've been online since 1995 and have worked in public libraries helping folks learn how to use the Internet. Sadly, we could never get enough interest in any "safe surfing" classes. I'm so happy to see a parent involved with their child's online use.

One thing that is recommended by safe surfing sites is a written contract signed by both parent and child. Just do a google search for "Internet Child Agreement" and you'll find several.

For your home machine, it is also possible to log the IM chats. Since these are stored on the machine used, it won't help if she uses another computer. I recommend that you keep getting the pop ups like you are. I know from my days at the library that kids are using the library computers and ones at school to send IMs (and probably other stuff they don't want Mom or Dad to know about.) Libraries and schools do what they can to help everyone safe, and there is software that can help but nothing can take the place of parents (and good judgement when older).

Best of luck and again, I commend you for taking an active interest in your daughter's online life.

I have a 13 year old daughter and this has been an issue for us as well. We have our computer in the living room and monitor her emails and im's and have come across the same issues. My advice is you can't censor what her friends say, only let her know you feel it is inappropriate. If they are saying things on im, then they are saying the same things in school, on the bus, at the mall....etc. I would just monitor what your daughter says and punish her based on her language and her comments. Unfortunately the computer is to them what the phone was to us. She needs to be able to communicate with her friends and when you take away the instant messages it's like taking away the phone. If she was on the phone you would not be able to hear what the other person was saying anyway. Just make sure to teach your daughter values and hopefully trust her to make good decisions. You don't want her to shut you out of her life so as long as she isn't making the comments, I would be praising her for her good behavior on the computer, not punishing her.

Hi! My name is A. and I am the happy mom of two boys, 7 and 5. I don't have teenagers yet. However, I was the 12 year old in your story, and when I was 18, I got pregnant. My boyfriend and I did marry and by the grace of God we are still happily married after 8 years! However, do not feel as if you are violating her privacy at all! If your daughter only knew the danger she is in! If you go to church, see to it that she is involved in the youth activities. Ask your Pastor or youth pastor if there are materials you can borrow or purchase that have positive messages concerning abstince, language, self, and communication. I am sure that if she had any idea the danger she was in, she would get out. That is exactly what happened to my husband and I. We were babies having babies. I have yet to go to college and I am 27! She may talk to these folks online because they are the ones that are listening. Make sure you have open lines for communication. Have her dad take her out on "dates" to a ball game or out to her favorite restaurant. Not to movies - you can't talk at the movies. I will pray for your family and your daughter! Good luck and God bless you!

I KNOW that you are doing the right thing. We went through the same sort of thing with our 12 yr old daughter. I read some emails that had crude language and I came down hard about it. I spoke with her friends who were cussing and their parents and fwd'ed the emails onto the parents who wanted to read them. Those parents came down hard about it too. They are so young and should be talking about happy, innocent stuff not cursing every other word. Some of the bad friends fell by the wayside after that. We had a real bad experience with myspace and the police had to be brought in. We live in a different world than the one we grew up in but stay diligent and guide while you have the opportunities. Keep your chin up no matter how angry your daughter becomes. Her sweet spirit will come around and she'll realize you love her and want the best for her.

Yipes. This is hard!

After teaching my kids everything I knew about decency and common respect, my boys chose to excercise their 'freedom of speech' in the same way. After getting it seriously wrong w our now-20-yr-old, we hit on this plan of action w our now-15-yr-old;
-we agreed that he was 'free' to choose this way to speak, but that we thought it inappropriate. If he was old enough to choose this mode of speech, he was old enough to hear that we strongly disapproved, and would not in any way facilitate behavior we found lacking in self-protection/self-respect/promotion of friendship based on any thing of value.
-we told him that as the computer and phone were our property, we would not be happy enabling language we disapproved of; he would have to do without our machines when he wished to express himself in this way.
-we worked to make sure that conformity was met with the return of privileges as cheerfully and non-lecturedly as transgression was met with withdrawal of privileges.
-further, we responded to his requests to spend time at such-and-such's house with, 'I am not comfortable giving permission to you to spend time in places and with people who feed or allow a penchant for behavior we disagree with. You are welcome to spend time with this friend here at home, unless you commit to spending time differently at their home.' (And we took him at his word, checking in, of course!)

These responses left my son with the ultimate lesson of freedom; free to pick behaviors which had consequences. We moved the conversation away from lecturing, (he really did already know what we thought!) punishment and anger, and towards a set of considerations that said, 'We, like you, have our own ideas. We will use our discretion to set boundaries we are comfortable with, for as long as you are living with us.'
He was free not to agree with us, and we made an effort not to respond emotionally to this information, (Yes, you may tell me you think this is stupid. No, you may not curse at me or break things.) often walking away from provocation, where before we had engaged.

My son might still use this language when with friends. He is much more discreet electronically, as much because he realizes that the record of his online self will always be rattling around, as because we refused to let him make this issue a battlefield of viewpoints or wills.

My son will surely grow up to make decisions that I don't always agree with, and he will live life with the same dangers as everyone else. I now believe that his adolescence is an opportunity for us to both learn what that will look like, both in terms of continued mutual respect, and his expectations about approval/enabling/consequences in the world. I still sometimes mourn my little guys, but want to be open to some of the great stuff that these sometimes rough young men are bringing to our lives.

Good luck!

She is twelve years old. She has no privacy. There are too many bad things going on in this world today and we as parents have the responsbility to do whatever we can to watch out for our kids. My eight year old wants to set up e-mail and im accounts for herself, but I have told her no and will continue to tell her so. When she is at her friends houses, you may not be able to stop that, but by sending her an "im" message, this may slow her down a bit. I have a son who has just turned eighteen and again an eight year old. My son hardly ever goes on the computer, so I don't have to worry about that, but I monitor EVERYTHING my daughter does. You might have to take the computer from your daughter.

We have always told our oldest that using the computer is a priviledge and that we own it and that we have every right to know what is being sent out of and into it. Yes she may feel like you are ruining her world but what you are doing is being a concerned parent. I feel you have to know what is going on for children their age do not need to talking like that nor being that suggestive.

Hi A.,

I'm afraid I can't advise you on how to block IMs, but I can respond about the trust issue going both ways--if you've set limits for her, which is your JOB, and she breaks those limits, you've shown her she can't be trusted.

Maybe that's the angle you want to take with her because being trusted is important to a tween. You might mention that after her break from e-mails, you gave her another chance and began to trust her again so you've demonstrated that you're flexible and clearly don't want to alienate her from her friends.

If she has a trusted aunt or adult (that is on the same page as you), perhaps this person can sit and have a chat with her. Maybe you could even throw in something about remembering how you felt as a teen when you felt your parents didn't trust you but you've since learned that it wasn't that they didn't trust you, but more importantly they loved you and were simply trying to protect you.

While we're at it, does she have a MySpace account or anything like that? Check it for pics/content.

D.

It's so refreshing to see all the support from so many moms to stick to it and to protect your daughter.

A friend of mine recommended 2 books to me that help immeasurably in establishing rules and following through, while allowing for SOME input from the kids. They are "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber/Mazlish, and "Kids, Parents & Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. IMHO as a parent & adolescent health educator, you're doing the right thing & even if you monitor IM by mistake, keep doing it!

wow, it is amazing what these kids are doing these days. I have a 19 yr stepdaughter but when she was in highschool, the last 2 years were very rough with text messaging and so forth. We never knew what she was texting but she had a boyfriend and when her father took her cellphone, there were some serious things on there that I couldn't even think to say at that age. The only problem is that if you take everything away from her, it'll eventually get worse, she knows the language, there is nothing much you can do about it except to make sure she is making the right choices and take her somewhere where she can talk to teenagers that have children and tell her that this is the result if she continues to behave this way. It's not something that she will want for her future. Get her invloved in sports or the YMCA. Try to do things to keep her busy and have her make new friends. Good luck!

Sounds like she has some friends that need banning. That might be challenging. I've heard some find moving works wonders.(To a better place I would suppose)

Recently I've been trying to get back to work, spending less time with the kids too. It might be an attention thing. You know, like they want you more now that you are getting out more? (Try spending 10 or fifteen minutes with each child every day exclusive time to each child speaking only about and with that child) Moms need a life too. Staying home forever is not the answer for all folks. Good luck.

It wasn't until I became a parent myself that I realized when your kid tells you "you're ruining my life" you're probably doing a lot of the RIGHT things! Stay the course on this. You should have a sit-down talk with your daughter and lay the ground rules about any computer use and make it non-negotiable that the "sex talk" has to stop or you'll continue to take away those priveliges. At 12 years old she has no idea what all of that can lead to, and just saying those words and having that kind of dialogie with her friends does NOT make her old enough to handle or know what it entails. Although I've heard some pretty horrendous stories about what kids are doing at younger and younger ages. It IS out of control - and parents have to take it back. Whether we "ruin their lives" or not, LOL.

Good for you, stay the course!

T.

Oh well she'll hate you for a while!! She's 12... she's going to hate you anyway. Clearly she hasn't shown the best judjment with the IM or email so I think losing the priveledge is the way to go. Stand your ground!! you're right!!

The best advice I can give you-my daughters are 21 and 18, and a son 16- Stop all email, texting,etc. for a LONG time. It will only get worse-they will find ways to get around you. The peer pressure is way too strong. Trust is one thing, certainly, but so is your sanity and being able to sleep at night. A 12 year old has no expection of privacy in this matter. She needs to earn it. She'll get over it-and maybe one day, thank you for being there. If she tells you she hates you, and you're the worst Mother in the world, then you know you're doing the right thing. Hang in there.

Hey A.,

I am experiencing something similar, not quite that bad, with my stepdaughters. They LIVE on the internet, myspace, IM, etc. I am a friend on their myspace pages and monitor their posts, etc. They have their profiles set to private which I like and also have to approve messages and comments that are posted on their pages.

What their father and I did was look up the articles I had seen on the internet about little girls that have been kidnapped or almost kidnapped because they are sharing too much information over the internet and they are able to track these girls down and know their most intimate details. This is basically to let them know that "Look, we love you. We care about you, and we don't want this to happen." Children and parents need to be careful because so much stuff is just open on the internet and we want our babies to stay as "young" as possible. They also understand that privacy does not exist in our home and that we do trust them to do the right thing but will step in as needed.

Also, whatever friend's house she is going over to IM, have a discussion with that child's parents. They may need a red flag raised as well. If that is something you don't allow, then the rules don't change when she is somewhere else.

Good luck and i'll be praying for ya!

D.

Hello, A..

My heart went out to you when you explained what you've been going through with your twelve year old daughter. It can be quite disturbing to find out what your daughter is discussing these days with her friends at such an early age. One question I have is, have you had and opened up the commuication lines with her about sex with both you and your husband? And not just I don't want you to have sex, but what sex is truly all about and what having sex can lead to outside of a committed relationship - preferably marriage.

Also discuss with her how important it is even and as an adult in single, marriage(that you and your husband) still need to be responsible and make the right choices sexually, because you can bring harm and damage to yourself, your spouse and family. Let her know that there are people (older single adults)who have HIV/AIDS because they did not think that they needed to have protected sex because they were much older. Talk to her about what it can rob her of. Teenagers thrive on their FREEDOM and CHOICES. Talk to her about how it can limit and take away her life choices. Her freedom, her health and her pride and dignity and even her life. Talk about Pregnancy and the pressures that comes with (rasing a child, having to give a baby up for adoption, or making the other choice of abortion/termination of that baby's life or causing her to become sterile and not be able to have children later in life - STDS, AIDS, and being used and abused and taken advantage of for someone's personal and selfish sexual pleasure and being abandoned or rejected.

Ask her how much she loves the freedom and health that she enjoys right now. Ask her what she wants to become one day, her goals, her aspirations. And then offer her the alternative of what will hinder her, and rob her of those goals and dreams and maybe even her life, if she makes the unwise decision to become sexually active too quick, too soon.

This, I believe will give her a chance to think about how she views her life and the friends who are getting involved too soon with sex.

Allow her to think for herself and give her the opportunity to make the right choice for herself and not base it on what her friends are doing or what you her parents do not want her to do. I have seen that whenever a young person has goals and dreams and has a plan to work towards it, they will rarely allow peer-pressure to guide their decision or choices.

Give her something to reach for and focus on and to be an positive influencer of her friends rather than to be influenced negatively by them. I think that you will begin to see your daughter begin to blossom into a mature, bright, intelligent, well rounded young lady who begins to think for herself and makes great choices for her life.

I think if you approach it this way, this may prove to be much more profitable.

I hope this helps. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Hi A., what a yucky situation to be in! Our media is sexualizing kids younger and younger these days. It doesn't seem like suspending priveledges is going to lead to a change in behavior, since it hasn't worked so far.

Though it would feel very awkward, a frank talk with your daughter about *why* she's talking the way she is would probably be much more effective. You probably also want to find out whether it's just talk, or if she's already experimenting. Because our culture does not leave room for people to be teenagers anymore (as soon as the hormones start to kick in, they're supposed to be all grown up, sexually?) your daughter and her friends probably don't realize there's a big difference between 12 and 18, or even 16, for that matter. This is her time to be, and enjoy being, 12. God willing, she'll be old for a really long time - no need to rush ahead. However, if she's going to be making choices about sex, as a parent you need to make sure she's making *informed* choices that respect herself and her integrity as an emerging young woman. It might also help to open her eyes to how misogynist most pop culture is today, reducing almost every woman to nothing more than her sexuality - both in lyrics and in images. Once you start paying attention, it's really shocking - and it's especially shocking that women will listen to it and not really notice or care.

Best of luck to you - we live in difficult times.