Suggestions for How to Cope with a Miscarriage

H., I hope you have a lot of good responses from people who have been through this experience. Losing a child is hard, no matter how old or young that child is, and grieving is certainly in order. So feel free to mourn for a while. Four of my grandbabies had very, very short lives - didn't make it to birth. One of my daughters (she's a daughter-in-law, actually, but I don't have in-law children) miscarried twice in a row, but is doing quite well this time - due in September. Another has had two absolutely gorgeous children since losing one. I'm told that a miscarriage doesn't mean there is necessarily something wrong with *you,* and you can't assign fault to yourself. I don't know if I'm allowed to speak of religion on this site, but I will say that receiving spiritual comfort from the right place is helpful.

Hi H.!
I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried my first pregnancy at about 8 weeks. Both of my SIL's had just announced they were pregnant and it SUCKED! Anyway, I was an emotional wreck. I got comments about being lucky I was only 8 weeks along, but those people had no clue. It hurt like heck!

I ended up taking a week off of work and just laid in bed. I felt good enough to go to work and just let life take over. I conceived my daughter within 6 weeks (while using a condom) and she is the light of my life today. I do still think about the lost baby, but just figure God didn't make it well enough to enjoy life, so He took it back to make my daughter.

Good luck and blessings on you. You are in my prayers!

J.

H., I am so sorry for your loss. It is always hard to deal with a miscarriage. I have 3 children who were all fairly easy to conceive, but our 4th pregnancy took about 13 months of trying and it ended up in a miscarriage at 8 weeks. It doesn't matter when you have a miscarriage it always feels bad.

talk to friends and see if anyone has had a miscarriage. It really helps to talk to someone about it. I found out that 2 of my sisters have had one, and several of my friends. I was told that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I wouldn't worry too much about a second miscarriage when you start trying again.

Crying helps a lot too. Just to let it out and it is kind of like cleaning therapy for me. FAmily and friends will help you as much as they can. Good luck with your healing process.

H.,
Having had 5 miscarriages (and one great baby after 3 IVF's!) I do completely understand how awful you feel. I think the only thing that has helped me handle the pain is to focus on the things that I do have (great hubby and great 2 yo kiddo) and remember that miscarriages happen for a reason. Every time I miscarried I would remind myself that there was something wrong with the baby and that it was nature/God's way of handling the problem. I don't know how your faith is, but man, mine sure was tested through all of this. Just know that you are NOT alone and it is nothing that you have "done" to make this happen. Please feel free to email me privately if you need someone to talk to. This is a horrible thing to deal with and you need support of friends and family.
Sending super hugs,
B.

Hey H.,

I understand how you feel. I had a miscarriage with my 4th pregnancy. I was 12 weeks and it was hard, hard to deal with. I guess the one thing that helped me was just knowing that my baby was in a better place and being held by God himself. Since that time I have had another successful pregnancy and have a beautiful 6 yo daughter as a result. The pain does fade. Does it completely go away? No, I still think about my angel baby, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. Sorry to hear about your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are so hard. I had 2 between my first and second kid and I spent many days crying about it. I think you need to take the time to grieve. It helped for me to talk about my feelings and to write some of those feelings down. It has been a few years now and it still makes me sad to think about those babies I lost. It is a scary thing to get preganant again too and I don't think that fear really completely goes away. Give it time and I hope all goes well for you.

I had a miscarriage after our first child was born and I had a hard time as well. I felt extremely guilty and blamed myself~it's not your fault, always remember that one statement! I went on to have two more healthy babies and so life does go on and don't fear this will always be the result. It is such a tough thing to go through and I feel your pain! I watched a lot of sad movies just so I could get the crying out. I took extra joy in the one kid I did have that gave me confidence that one pregnancy worked out and hope that another one would too!

My fourth pregnancy recently ended in miscarriage after having three very healthy, normal pregnancies with absolutely no complications. My sense of security was completely shattered. I say recently, but the anniversary of my miscarriage is on Tuesday. It still feels like a recent loss.

We have done some things to help us work through our loss. We named the baby Jess (a boy's or girl's name, although we felt it was a boy) and talked to our kids about the baby and how Jess is a part of our family even though he is in Heaven. We freely talk about him and don't avoid the subject when the kids bring it up. I also called my OBGYN and asked for the ultrasound pictures they took when they discovered the baby had died. I don't know if you had seen your OBGYN yet, but this gave me something tangible to keep of my baby. I liked the idea of the conception certificate or a bracelet. Anything physical you can have that reminds you of your baby's existence can help- because so many around you will act like nothing ever happened. Even family- they just don't know how to handle it. I also read the book, "Gone Too Soon" which helped. I've also shared some of my feelings and grief on my blog.

The experience has definitely helped us to appreciate our three beautiful boys and love them even more. I still have not conceived again- although I'm starting to feel like I might be ready. It's been hard to face that fear- and my husband has completely dismissed the idea of having another child, I think partially out of fear as well. It's a hard road, but it does get easier as you go. Just remember that you lost a CHILD and it's okay to feel however you have to feel to get through that.

I am so sorry for your loss H.. As a massage therapist I am often faced with sad situations during my clients massage. A massage just allows you to release pent up feelings in a safe environment. I just spoke to a lady last week who had lost her baby. She was really handling it better than I have seen anyone else in her situation and I asked her how she got through it? She told me she gave herself permission to grieve the loss of her child. She did not listen to anything that others said. She did not grieve the way those around her would expect her to grieve. I don't know if this will help you but, I liked the idea of giving yourself permission to grieve and to be yourself in your grief. Too often we do what the world, family and friends, impress upon us and fail to deeply experience our own feelings. K. K.

Just remember that it is ok to grieve this loss. Sometimes making a ceremony helps, like planting a special plant and saying some words to the baby, etc.
When you are ready you might try 'Carry-On' by trilight herbs. It is an herbal tincture that can help maintain a pregancy if it is viable. I've had great luck with it for my clients. Sending you my love and prayers.
S.
www.buenavistamidwife.com

I too have had two miscarriages. One in 96, and one this last April, both were just after we had told everyone. The hard part now is when people have not heard about the miscarriage and only about the pregnancy and ask how it is going.
I do have one child who is 19 months and the light of my life. My husband is also a wonderful guy.

We are trying again to get pregnant. I do feel less certain than earlier that when we get pregnant it will all be smoothly.

What has helped me most is my faith in a loving Heavenly Father (God) who can see everything now, in the past, and the future, he knows what is best for the baby, etc.

I also believe that if that spirit was meant to come to us, that he will or that after the resurrection I will be able to raise him to adulthood then. Not that it makes now not mean anything but that I have not lost as much.

I also have cried. When I first found out the pregnancy may not be going well I cried most of the evening. Even now when I feel I have worked through most of my emotions every once in a while when a song (Sissy's song) plays on the radio, or just when I am thinking too much I still find my self remembering the pain.

Hope this helps.
S.

The emptiness will remain for some time. Remember, any pregnancy can up until the day you have your little angel in your arms go wrong. I was 26 weeks along when my son was born pre-mature. He passed away 3 days after he was born and I thought I would never stop crying. Time passed and as I realized that things always happen for a reason I started to heal emotionally as well as physically. I got pregnant again and at 33 weeks I gave birth to my second pre-mature son. This time my son came home! It was difficult wondering if the same thing would happen again. Next came my surprise son while I was on the pill I got pregnant. This time I spent 2 months on bed rest and carried to term! I wanted to try for a girl for years but my honey said no and in the back of my mind I wondered if I could handle any problems. We did get pregnant again and yes it was complicated but I carried to term and yeah it's a girl! I was scared every day of my pregnacies but I enjoyed each day of being pregnant even complicated because I knew that if something happened I knew I was going to be able to go on. DON'T BE AFRAID TO CRY! My son is sweet 16 this year and I cried on his birthday and some days I cry because I just miss what would have been.I even cry some days because I am so happy that my other children are here and are healthy and happy!
Take care and I sincerely wish you all the best. M.

This is one of those SUPER-hard things to deal with in life! I have had two miscarriages, one when I first got married at 9 weeks then again 8 years later at 5 months. I have to say, it was a horrible emotional roller coaster ride and not easy at all! I am going to use my miscarriage of 5 months as an example just because it is the most recent and certainly the most traumatic. I was in maternity clothes, everything was fine, I just woke up one morning in labor and two days later delivered my baby at home. It was one of the saddest times in my life. The one thing that made me feel ok with everything is that there was obviously something wrong with the baby that it was not supposed to be here with us. As much as I wanted this baby, I would have just ached to watch my beautiful child grow up with whatever was wrong.

During this time I found just talking with people about it really helped. Not to the point that I beat it to death and people were running away from me but just here and there. I found that many if not most of the people had this experience as well and far worse than I had it. Although it didn't change my loss, it made me realize I am not alone and indeed life does go on. Save your good energy on making a new baby. We did and now have a gorgeous baby girl turning 1 today! Hang in there, too much sadness and downward thoughts will only drag you down. Having babies is a beautiful thing as you know and we are blessed to even get the opportunity once, let life give what is supposed to be here.

I lost 2 babies before I had my daughter, and I can't have more children. With the first miscarriage I saw a counselor who helped me with the grieving process. I wish I had done it the second time. When we found out we couldn't have more children I did see a counselor again to help me with the grieving process again. I would recommend a therapist. Your spouse is emotionally struggling as well and we need someone to help us process the emotions in a safe environment. After having a miscarriage I don't know that the fear of losing your baby when you get pregnant ever goes away--but you can process the emotions as they come up. Sometimes those fears are realized--I lost the second child. I was on bed rest most of my pregnancy to keep my daughter. I don't say it to scare you more, the fears are already inside of you--they will be, I guess I'm just saying it's a natural part of our mothering instinct to have that fear. I was so mad at my body, at myself wondering what could I do different? the thing is there was nothing I could do. I had to learn to accept that even though we are creating this beautiful life inside of us and it is a wonderous thing going on we don't ultimately have control of the outcome. I got closer to my God. I know I couldn't have processed all the emotions I was going through on my own. Some people can I guess--but for me it was so helpful to have an outside person talk me through it and help me to understand it was healthy to grieve, that fear is normal and that I could overcome the wide spectrum of emotions I was going through.
Hang in there. It isn't easy--I send my support.

I'm so sorry for your loss, H.. I haven't been thru a miscarriage, however I am certain it isn't easy. Read the posts from the kind women who have shared their experience & just follow your heart as to how you want to grieve. Also remember to do one nice thing (atleast one!) for yourself a day. Get a massage, take a walk in the woods, have quiet time to pray, meditate or journal. Time may "help" however you will never forget your precious angel! If you get pregnant again, instead of focusing on your fears, stay in gratitude. One thing I have learned in life is wherever you put your focus, it will grow. When I go into fear, I try & recognize it for what it is..then put my focus on the positive. Try it! it works. Blessings to you & your family.

Dear H.,
I am so sorry for your loss. No matter what plans we have once that little life is in us we forget all else & long for the day they will join our family...

So when you lose that baby it is the hardest thing. Find comfort in knowing that that it is right to miss your baby. That it is OK you are an emotional mess. And that you can add to your family without the fear of losing another child. I cannot tell you how to feel, or what to do. That is your choice & yours alone.

I miscarried at almost 5 mo. along. I was devestated. But I also knew (once I miscarried) that baby was not developing "normally". It didn't make it any easier. But I was able to "cope" with it. A year to the date we got pregnant with our son.

Keep going, find comfort from your husband. Talk about it & remember your little one. And when you feel it is time to try again then that will be the right time.

Take care, G

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your little one. We lost a child to miscarriage in April of 2008. I was completely devastated. Unfortunately, many people don't know what to say to someone who has miscarried and frequently they don't recognize the loss as actually having lost a child. Our priest held a private memorial service for us so we could have a sense of closure which helped us some. I had some rough days when I would all of a sudden just become completely emotionally distraught but worked through them and allowed myself to grieve. Even though I thought I had gotten over the loss, I did have emotional days on the baby's due date and anniversary of our loss. I'm happy to say that I'm now almost 34 weeks pregnant with a little girl and the only complication I had was that they had me take extra progesterone during my first trimester because my levels had been low when I miscarried and with this pregnancy.

L.

My heart goes out to you, as I experienced the same thing many years ago. I had 2 miscarriages, battled infertility, and fianally adopted two children. I then was blessed, after 16 years of marriage, to actually get pregnant and keep it. I think society does not give enough support to those who miscarry. Miscarriage is often viewed as a minor thing because the fetus was not really considered a baby. Well, it was to us!All I can say is seek out others who can commiserate with you and bouy you up. It might help you to write about it or keep a journal for a while. Don't stuff you feelings, but try to be positive.Good luck and know you are not alone.

H.,

I lost my 1st baby at about 9 weeks as well, so I am so sorry for your loss and I apologize in advance for all the stupid, unthinking comments that you will get from people who just don't understand (I had everything from "it was God's plan" to "time will help" to "YOU must have done something!"- ugh!) My only advice would be to take good care of yourself, seek Him (if you have that relationship) cry when you need to (I don't think people understand that as soon as we find we are pregnant, we get a huge connection to that child) and create a "memorial" for that baby (I found a website that sent me a free pretty bracelet and a "certificate of conception" for my baby's book so my sons will always know about their big sibling! My MIL also gave me a bear that she had bought for the baby and now my son plays with it and I always tell him that was his "brother's- always felt it was a boy-" bear and I can give it a hug when I find myself missing the baby) and find a friend who can share in your sorrow without offering excuses and reasoning...we don't need it, we just need hugs and comfort...and you may be surprised to find how many ladies around you have also experienced the same thing and can be a great ear to listen!!!

As far as worrying about future losses with future pregnancies, I won't lie to you and say once you are pregnant again, you won't worry because I spent the pregnancy with my son with my breath held the entire time (I had lots of complications with him too) and now that I'm pregnant again with #2 son, I still found myself very worried until I got through 13 weeks, despite a perfect, normal pregnancy! The best resource I can offer is a book called "Empty Arms" which goes through all the aspects of losing a child, how to cope with stupid people and even how to handle the next pregnancy! I have also found comfort in the movie "Facing the Giants" in which the theme is "Praise God through the good AND the bad" (the wife goes through some fertility issues)...I also picture Him holding my "son" waiting for me to come home someday! I wish you every luck with this and am always here if you need a compassionate ear! Know we love you and you are certainly not alone in your loss!

S., 26, mom of 1 1/2 boys ;-)- due in Aug- and an angel in heaven!

I had a miscarraige at 8 weeks after having a normal, healthy pregnancy 3 years earlier. Then after about 6 months, I got pregnant again and carried my daughter to term, with no problems at all...other than anxiety about losing the pregnancy again. My suggestion would be to let yourself be sad. It is heartbreaking to lose a baby, so let yourself grieve. You already know time will lessen the pain, so just dont be afraid to be sad. It was very comforting to me that other women actually knew what I was going through because they had actually been through a very similar experience. It is very possible to have a normal healthy pregnancy after a miscarraige, so I wish you the best!

H.,
I am so sorry. Before I was born my mom had several miscarriages, (as well as 7 healthy babies) she talked about them like they were no big deal, so when I had a miscarriage I was really surprised at the emotion I felt. You've had a loss and you do need to grieve. Do what you need to do, get mad, cry, (I don't remember all the grieving steps) But also pamper yourself and take it easy. Your body did just go through labor so you are still going to have all the hormones that go along with that.
It was hard for me to want to try again, but we did. I ended up getting pregnant 3 months later and had a healthy full term pregnancy. I actually have had two since. And this is usually the case. Time does help, especially when that new little baby is in your arms. I wish you well
B.

It sounds like you are doing the right things. It's hard, no matter what. Some things that may help next time is hiring a doula early. Whether you carry the baby to term, or have another miscarriage, you have someone there with you to guide you through the experience and process with. I have one client who I was there with her when her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, she is now pregnant again and started getting acupuncture right away and is now in her second trimester. It may or may not be related, but it seems to have worked for her and I am so happy to support her through it. Best of luck and let me know if you have any questions!