Stubborn Kids

Both of my kids are strong-willed and I can tell you what works best is zero tolerance. Don't worry about making things fun. Time outs can be a real waste, so skip those, too. They need to do what they're told. If my kids goof off and refuse to come to the dinner table, it's automatic bedtime. They've had to go to their rooms at 5:30 pm before. Sometimes, they'll apologize and I'll allow them to come eat and other times they'll remain stubborn and just stay in their rooms and that's fine, too. But once they know from experience that I'm serious with my threats, I've found they're far less likely to act up again. All I do is remind them what happened "last time" and 9/10 they follow through with what they're supposed to do.

Good luck!

The book "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen will change your life.

You should be able to find it at the library and it's now on audio as well. You still keep your rules but go about it in a different and way less battle-creating way.

If you read the book, "Parenting with Love and Logic", it talks about the natural consequences of the poor choices children will make when left to their own devices, but you have to be willing to allow those natural consequences to happen. If they won't come to the table to eat when it is time to eat, they don't eat. Period. They won't starve to death. You make it clear to them that this is their time to eat and it is their choice not to eat, and they are not going to get another chance later. So later, when they are hungry, instead of saying, "Well, you should have eaten when it was dinnertime!", you empathize, saying, "I'd be hungry too if I didn't eat dinner." Same thing goes for bedtime (though it may be more applicable for the 6 year old than the 3 year old) - they don't have to go to bed or go to sleep, but you can tell them they have to stay in their rooms. They can stay up playing or reading or whatever, but they need to stay in their rooms. Then the next day, when 6 year old is having to go to school and all grumpy from lack of sleep, you just say, "Yeah, I get really grumpy when I don't get enough sleep either. Have fun at school today!" Let them experience the consequences of their decisions, rather than imposing any consequences on them yourself - that way, they start to accept responsibility for their choices, rather than casting you as the bad guy and blaming you for why they are unhappy.

Along with "Parenting with Love and Logic.", I also recommend "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk". It's great for learning how to communicate better and getting your kids on the same page.

You need to be consistent with them. Let them know ahead of time what the consequences will be if the rules aren't followed and stick to it. If they leave the table or play during dinner, then dinner is over. Save the food for them for the next meal and no snacks. They will get the idea real soon that you mean business. Tell them conversation is ok during meals though. I know they are young, but maybe make a list, even with pictures or stickers and laminate it with the checklist of bedtime routine items. Maybe the word bath and a picture of one with a rubber duckie, then the word and picture of jammies , etc. You can use a dry erase marker to check off each box as they get completed. Maybe have a box for each girl for them to check off. This makes it more of a game. Maybe you could read more books if the list gets done without complaints!

I have a few ideas for you. First, try using when-then statements so that they can get what they want when they have done what you want. "When you are in your pajamas, then you can play five more minutes." I would also add that if they whine or complain about it, they don't get their five more minutes. Then, "When you have brushed your teeth, then you may read a story." (But again, only if no whining, crying.) That way you both get what you want. Also, include things like "It makes me so happy when you get ready for bed quickly, because then we can have more time for ___." Use lots of praise and positive attention, and eventually they will come around. My kids love to race to see who can get their pj's on the fastest.

For meals, kids will eat when they are hungry. Maybe cutting out afternoon snacks and having dinner sooner (if that is possible). Again, "when you have eaten 3 bites of each dish, then you may go play." It also sounds like you are all tired at night. Have you considered an earlier bedtime? Maybe only half an hour would do the trick.

Last, it sounds like they are clamoring for your attention, but using negative behaviors to get it. Try giving them some extra hugs/kisses and listening time when you first get home. It will pay off later. Sometimes a little bit of positive praise for what big girls they are and how much you love them and "I know you can get dressed like a big girl" goes a long ways.

I love all the ideas - you have to find what works for you and your kids of course. I would also get your 6 year old's cooperation on working with the three year old. Little girls can be awfully mature when it suits them. If you approach the 6 year old with your concerns and ask her to help model a proper behavior for the 3 year old, she may (strong emphasis on may) enjoy that responsibility, at least for a while. For my kids, I also use a timer so that they know when playtime is over. Or if it's quiet playtime, as opposed to going outside, they don't get it until everything is ready for bedtime and school the next day. Then, it's lights out at bedtime - if they don't get to play, it's on them. You just have to make sure the rules are clear - and yes, they will listen more carefully to a calm quiet voice than a screaming one - I've had to learn that the hard way more than once myself.

How about letting them help with dinner. Let them get the table ready, etc. Same for bath time, let them do more to get involved.

My 8 year old is stubborn at bed time, just like that, always wanting more time to play. I found that if I start yelling and getting all authoritative on her, it only makes everything 100 times worse, and drags out the time she actually does get to bed. Threats only anger and frustrate her. I know this isn't a typical approach, but what I do now works for us. I remain totally calm. If she whines and refuses when I tell her it is time to brush teeth and get ready into bed, I ignore her. Sometimes that works and she starts getting ready for bed just a few minutes after I asked. Even though she just screamed "no" I guess she just needs a quiet moment to wind down herself and accept the idea that it is bed time. If she doesn't start on her own after 5-10 minutes, I gently remind her, and if she fights it, I say "I'm seeing that you're refusing to go to bed when I am asking you to" Then I let that sink in a little while I walk away. Again, sometimes she will then decide on her own to start going to bed. Why does she do this? Because once or twice I did nothing at the time she did not go to bed nicely. No fighting, yelling, threatening. I let her choose to misbehave. They get in bed later, but still much earlier than if I start coming down really hard. BUT. . . . then I have followed up by not waking her up early enough for a little Webkinz time on the computer before school. Natural consequence, she needs her sleep, one way or the other. Or I have followed up with not allowing her special things on weekend nights such as movies, getting to sleep in the basement after a movie, books on tape, no evening Wii play, or having a friend sleep over when she asks for these things. I then remind her she cannot have these things if she does not go to bed nicely when we expect her to on school nights. Without me threatening in the heat of the moment, I give her a little space to think and she has learned to decide for herself that it isn't worth it to act up at bed time. Not sure how well that would work with a 3 year old, but it might with the 6 year old. Good luck!
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A good way to get them to realize it is time to stop playing and do what you want them to do, is giving them a countdown. I give my daughter a 10 minute warning before I ask her to do something like eat dinner, take a bath, go to bed, etc. I tell her "In 10 minutes it is time to stop playing and go eat dinner (or take a bath, or go to bed)". She usually has no problem transitioning to the task I want her to do when I give her the 10 minute warning. When she still has trouble transitioning even after I gave her the 10 minute warning I tell her "I gave you a 10 minute warning that you needed to stop. It is time to stop now and do what I am asking you to do." When I don't give her that warning, she throws a fit and fights having to stop doing what she is doing.

you will love dr sears discipline book, it has lots of great techniques that really help, and talks ablot about routines.
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

the dinner routine can be a nightmare, but we are trying some things out and it's helping!

some of the advice is on his website:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

as for the bedtime. we are starting a late night for the kids. one night a week, one child stays up for an extra hour or so and hangs out with us, eats snacks, watches a tv show, plays, then another night it's another child's turn... so that helps them go to bed, knowing if they don't then, they don't get that fun night.

I like the book, "Scream Free Parenting."

I also do what CAWriter does. Zero tolerance. You are done - off to bed with you!

BUT, you have to explain the new rules to the girls. You just can't switch gears without a warning. When things are calm, tell them the new rules, what you expect and what they can expect from you. Give examples. You can say, "You both expect me to make your dinner, which I do. I expect you to come to the table with clean hands when dinner is ready. I can warn you that we'll have dinner in 10 minutes (or 5), so you know to finish up what you are doing and get your hands washed. If you do not do this or give me a hard time, you can go to your room until you are ready to apologize or until morning."

I've had only one instance where my girl was in bed for the rest of the night until the next morning. Guess what? She was super tired and fell asleep right away. Had a much better attitude when she got up the next day.

This will work better with the 6 yr old than the 3yr old, but be firm and be consistent.