My daughter turned 18 a couple weeks ago. She is the youngest of three. I did not have the same issues with the other two. She has been a good girl, has good grades, and for the most part has good character and makes good choices. Two years ago she liked a boy and we made every effort to get to know him and like him. It didn't take long to realize he was not a good kid. He made bad choices, including, theft, vandalism, and was outright disrespectful to me via text when I would not allow her to see him anymore. She broke things off at that time, but soon learned she was sneaking behind our back. She snuck out with him, snuck him in, etc. We grounded her, took her car and phone for a month. Lying is unacceptable in our home. We made the consequences very clear. If she lied to us again, she would lose her car and phone for good (we pay for everything. She is very active in school and cheer).
We thought this was over, especially when he was sent to a juvenile detention center for a year. He is back and she is 18. I have asked many times if he tried to contact her or talk to her. She always denies it. We found out via social media snooping that she is seeing him again. We asked again and she said NO. It took a while, but she came clean. She says she loves him. We want to ground her, take her car, phone and freedom. Do I really have that right? She is 18...ugh!!!!! After reading online blogs, and advice sites, I am not sure what to do or how to handle this. Our house, our rules..... Right? We need to have a sit down conversations and go over these rules. I never thought about doing this before. My other children would never think about dating someone of such poor judgement and history. I do not want to lose her. We have been guilty of giving her too much.
Here is what I am thinking about doing ....... Take the car we bought for her and make her buy it back from us. She has been unmotivated to work.. Next..... She can have her cell phone back when she can afford her plan........ While in our house and still in school she cannot hang out socially with him........ Her curfew will remain 1200 unless something specific is going on. Finally..... If she does not want to abide by those rules, she will need to find somewhere else to live. Fair? I appreciate any input or comments.
My fears..... She will move out before graduation (2 months away), and pushing her away. She is college bound in the fall and he says he is going to the same college. I love her and want only the best for her. I know some of the best lessons learned are made from mistakes. It never even occurred to me that she choose him over our family
I need advice...... I want to be fair....... Thank you
Ya''ll have given me some powerful feedback. I can honestly say I already feel like we can make this better for everyone. I appreciate feedback from both moms and daughters. I agree with everything I am reading. I am glad I found this site. Thanks again.
My friend was in a similar situation. (In love with the wrong boy) Her parents made her go to school out of state away from her HS sweet heart. She is grateful and happily married to someone else today.
Good luck! (I hope he really doesn't go to her college.)
Have you read How to talk so teens will listen, and how to listen so teens will talk? If not, I highly suggest that you do. It gives some strategies for this type of situation.
At this point, I think you need an entirely different strategy. You've tried telling her that she can't see him. You've learned that doesn't work, and you are correct in saying that she will probably move out if you say "as long as you are under my roof, you can't see him." Read the book, it has many good strategies.
She only lies to you because you make her.
I don't understand. You're telling us she does everything right.
And still you want to magically dictate who she loves? You can't even magically dictate who YOU love, there's no logic to it.
This boy's bad choices will only rub off on her if you push her away from you and push her towards him.
Also, not sure what makes you think a kid who has a juvenile offense will be accepted at any legitimate college.
She's only "choosing him over her family" because you are forcing her to. Geez, have you never been in love?
I mean, have you never read Romeo and Juliet?
:(
She's 18.
Stop punishing her and start talking to her and LISTENING to her now.
Stop the forbidding. Share your fears.
Treat her like a person with a brain and feelings, and maybe she'll share them and listen to your fears. Is the boy a "bad" person or does he make bad choices? Two different things. If he's a decent kid making screwed up choices, perhaps being a "port in the storm" might be beneficial for BOTH of them.
Heck, maybe talk to HIM about your fears. If he's going to college, maybe he's pulling himself back together. If so, that needs to be recognized and supported by someone.
Re. the bills - yes, she needs to be responsible for that stuff - BUT do NOT link these things to the boyfriend. That's just bad news.
I was a straight A student, responsible, good friends and I ended up dating a totally bad news guy. I agree with the other moms, be careful you don't drive her away.
My mother simply said "You deserve better". I think she was more concerned with why my self esteem was low enough to think that's all I deserved. So my mother got me into counselling. It was the best thing ever. She approached it as someone for me to talk to instead of being disappointed in me, or that something was wrong with me.
If my mom had threatened me with consequences of dating the guy ... when I already felt low (happy girls don't date guys like this) .. it wouldn't have been good. I needed to feel loved and supported.
I agree with the other moms - listen to your daughter. Open up communication. Let her know you're there for her no matter what. If you're not, then she may think he's the only place to go.
Good luck :)
Yes, you are pushing her away. She is 18. Stop the punishing and taking away. Talk to her like she is a human being - she is. You have instilled your values into her. What sticks now is up to her. And please please do not use college as a bargaining chip. Clearly since she is a high school student headed for college you hold the financial power in the relationship. Don't use it.
My sister had a bad news boyfriend around that same time (close to graduation). I really think it's a mix of "I can save him" and "I can't get any better".
My main advice would be to get excited about college, and focus on her future. I would stop being punitive and start looking for positive things she can do or work for. Like if she gets a job and saves up for half of a new laptop for college, you'll pay for the other half.
There are lots of guys in college, I'm sure you know. :)
It is tme to treat her as an adult. She is 18 after all.
Yes, she could be making ax poor choices with this boyfriend, but I bet she is smart enough to know when she is over him.
It will be when one day she realizes he has more negatives than positives.
She is not a fool, she is enjoying his attention. It is easier to stick with someone who shows interest than to have to chase after someone.. Especially your senior year.
My mother was a very smart woman. The more she disliked one of my boyfriends, the more time she had us all spend time together. Lots of home cooked meals. Included him in family gatherings with extended family! Attending church together, including him in doing the yard work, having him run errands with all of us..
The good guys usually did great.. The "fringe guys" either got their acts together or they slinked away! Seeing these guys so much really gave me a look at their real self.
Speak with your daughter honestly about your concerns. Honey it is only 2 months u til you graduate, I am concerned that your grades are slipping. Tell me what your grade point average is. What reports, projects are you still expecting so we can make sure not to over schedule you.
Honey, have you updated your resume? You should start looking for a summer job, intern, or volunteering. I can help you with that.
We need to make a list of things you will need to take to college.
And mom, ask her point blank, "are you having protected sex?" Tell her " I would prefer you not have any, because you are still young and sex can make a woman feel vulnerable if they are not prepared for the consequences." BOOM! It will shock her and make her realize, you are not a fool. You are open to the conversation and you are being calm about it.
Then have a conversation about birth control. Talk about how emotional it is to be in a sexual relationship and tell her, you would like dad to join the conversation so he can explain what guys think about sex. Their needs and expectations and how she can handle all of this.ask her if she needs BC or if she wants you to go with her to get it.
My mother never shied away from these subjects. Used to freak me out, but at least I knew I could ask or tell her anything. But she also did not preach. Instead she told me her concerns about my behaviors, attitude and her hopes for my future.
It's time to stop trying to break them apart. Your previous attempts are most likely the reason she is still with him. By telling her she couldn't see him you questioned her judgment and attacked her boyfriend. I would have been shocked if she had not reacted just as she did. Forbidden love is very attractive!
Of course she couldn't see what you saw. She was too busy thinking about how unfair you were and how he's so much better than you think he is if only you'd give him a chance.
A sure fire way to drive a teen into the arms of anyone is to tell them what a mistake it is.
"My house, my rules" might work for the moment, but it will drive a pretty big wedge between you two. You have to let her make her own mistakes.
Love the idea of talking to her more about college and really getting excited with her. She needs your support here!
I was your daughter not too long ago and my Mom did not handle this situation well, please learn from our mistakes.
Regardless of age your daughter will make the exact choice *she* wants to make, you can empower her or you can push her away, that choice is yours.
She is hiding it from you, maybe because she doesn't understand why you don't approve and doesn't want to rock the boat, but most likely because she does understand and deep down somewhere is embarassed by what he has done.
Talk to her, get her involved in everything. She won't like the changes and she'll fight but she can't say she wasn't a part of what was decided.
As far as the car and cell phone go, if she can't afford them she shouldn't have them, she is 18 and that is her responsibility to manage and maintain. Make the change about her being an adult and it being time for her to own these things for herself, not as a punishment for seein the guy you don't like.
Set expectations for her grades and school performance, again, make it about her being the best person she can be, and not a punishment for seeing him.
Curfew seems reasonale too, it's your house and she's still a student living there.
Also, talk to him, tell him your fears and give examples as to why you don't trust him - he can't argue with facts, and then open the door for him to prove you wrong. Put the ball in their court, if he does well GREAT, if he doesn't then everyone has an understanding as to why he isn't allowed in your lives.
Don't try to break them up.
My 20 yr old had a bf who was a lazy bum and had no future goals. This made us sick because we own and run a successful company, our daughter is on our payroll, daughter was younger than said bf and active in school in cheerleading.
We hated this but we took him in like a son. He joined us on a couple of college trips, ball games, events. Finally, daughter realized they had different goals and that he was basically a bum who didn't want to work but wanted a good life. She finally realized she was providing his good life at this time and she didnt want to be his supporter.
We were overjoyed when she broke it off.
We never stopped supporting her and NEVER stopped talking to her about college, goals, future. We involved her more in our business so shebhas insight that to be successful you must have a drive and education.
This was over 2 years ago and she's thriving in college now. As for the ex... We all ran into him one night at dinner at a nice restaurant.... He was the person who cleaned up all the dishes and was training to be a waiter at age 21.
She thanked us that night.
Wow, S., my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how worrying this whole situation is.
I have a 20 year old who still lives at home, and a 17 year old who will be 18 soon. Luckily we haven't had this situation come up.
I think if it did, ideally I would handle it in a way that was not punitive, but that WAS in alignment with reality. Adults are not entitled to be supported by other adults. The one big exception to this is if you're a young adult just getting started in life - i.e., in school, saving money to move out, etc. And even then, it is not an entitlement. You generally have to follow the house rules to partake in house benefits.
I would tell her that I honor her as an adult and that it is her life. But as long as she lives with me she will need to abide by reasonable expectations. When she has her own place, and is supporting herself, then she can make the rules.
I personally would not approach the boyfriend, but that's just me. I wouldn't treat him rudely either. I would mainly focus on supporting her emotionally (without enabling negative behavior).
Of course all this is easier said than done. I pray that you find clarity and peace, and that your daughter will be fine in the long run.
i can only imagine how difficult this is for you. i'd be beside myself.
but at this point, my dear, all you can really do is trust that 18 years of good parenting, and her own good character, will win out. i understand why you've laid down stern edicts up to this point. but the romeo and juliet syndrome is strong in teenagers, and it has unfortunately backfired.
the lying is the most troubling. and that really needs to be your focus. she needs to feel confident that she can come to you even if you disapprove of her actions. right now she still seems to feel as if she'll be 'punished', and as a young adult, that's no longer appropriate.
you really must button your lip and tie your hands together and let her make her own mistakes. she's too old for 'removal of privileges.'
that being said, i think it's perfectly appropriate to insist that she stand on her own two adult feet since she wants to make adult decisions. if she doesn't want to work, apparently she doesn't need a car too badly. i'm assuming she can get around at college without one?
she'll need a cell phone. i'd give it back to her with phone and texting only. if she wants internet, she can pay for that.
if she moves out before graduation, that will be very scary for you. let her do it anyway.
sometimes our beloved young adults have to fall on their faces first. we can't prevent that by over-managing them. keep a firm line, a welcoming smile, and as many reminders that you trust her good sense but won't be taken advantage of that you need to.
i'm betting dimes to doughnuts that she wakes up and is grateful for your wisdom and (limited) support.
khairete
S.
Do this with love, and do it because she's an adult, and not because you don't like her boyfriend. She should work. She should pay for her own things. She should not carry on adult relationships in her parent's house. OF COURSE you do not need to spoil her and give her the earth moon and stars while she dates a delinquent. Right now, she's got the world on a platter AND a bad boyfriend she's lying about. She can go ahead and keep the guy (hard I know) but she'll have a lot less time for him when she's working!!!
She is 18. You can't forbid her to see him. She can legally date and/or have sex with the consenting adult of her choosing. You can't enforce a curfew. Legally, she can go where she wants and stay there as long as she wants.
You CAN decide who is and is not allowed in your home and ban him. If he does come over without your permission, you CAN charge him with trespassing.
If the car is in YOUR name, you can deny her the use of it. If the insurance policy is in YOUR name, you can remover her from it as an approved driver. If the phone is in YOUR name, you can terminate the line.
If she wants to make adult choices, she needs to act like an adult.
She's 18 - she needs to have a job and be paying you rent or be paying for her own phone and car insurance, as well as a share of the utility bills. If she wants to move out, let her. When she moves out, pay NONE of her bills. She will have to find a job and pay her own way.
She's 18. Not much you can do. If you do what you said you might as well open the door for her to leave with him. Are you ready for that? Make this time you have with her before she goes to college about your relationship with her. You will only have to deal with him for the summer then they are both gone (unless they are staying local) I would just have her promise to me that they are being safe. That is about all you can do. If you told her you bought a car for her, you cant take it away and tell her to pay you back. The phone thing I would approach that as she should help pay for it, but not over a boy, but because she is an adult and should start chipping in. Don't shut her out now over a boy. Be there for her and hopefully she will come to her senses.
In a few weeks you won't have to worry about it. She's going to walk the isle for graduation then walk right out of your house into his house so she can have some freedom. It's sad that you are trying to control her instead of being there to support her when she falls and gets her consequences for bad choices.
She might offer him a great deal of stability too. He might do a lot worse when she's not around but he may bring out the buried personality that is similar to her older siblings.
I can't say you've been perfect and done a good job but I can't say we wouldn't do some of these same things.
Since she is 18 she could just pack and bag and walk out now and forget high school all together. Have you offered her pregnancy prevention? It's likely she will be pregnant by summer if you haven't taken care of that. Even if she denies she is going to do it if she's living with him since she isn't allowed to make any choices she will start sleeping with him very very soon.
Babies will tie them together for the rest of their lives.
