Strong Willed Child - Kansas City,MO

I have a strong willed 4 year old, so I know how you feel. I find that the thing that works best is giving lots of choices - do you want to wear this or that? Do you want to eat this or that? Do you want to get in the car forward or backward (stupid, but it works)?

I also make games out of things, so that we're "playing together" when I want them to do something. "Let's see how fast we can get you in your seatbelt! Ready? Go!" and I'll count and say, "WOW! We did it in 20 seconds. I wonder if next time we can do it in 18?"

The diaper thing is pretty typical at that age. I actually talked to my doctor when #1 was that age, because she would SCREAM and CRY and made me feel like a child molester - not cool in McDonald's bathroom! He assured me that it's developmentally normal for them to fight diaper changes at that age. Making it a game ("let's see how fast we can..." again might help).

I change my 2 year old on top of the washer, and messing with the dials and knobs is a good diversion for her. I got a vinyl pad with raised sides (they have them at Amazon.com) so that it's not rigid. It's much easier and cleaner than wrestling on the couch or floor!

I think they make buckle covers for car seats (out of fabric or possibly velcro) so that kids can't undo their own belts. You could probably get a wide strip of velcro and do it yourself - just cut it so that it fits around the buckle, and cover it up. And even if it doesn't work, at least you'll hear the tell-tale "rip" if he takes the velcro off!

Oh here - http://www.mypreciouskid.com/seat-belt-cover-angel-guard....

I googled "car seat buckle cover" - I'm sure you can find lots of different kinds, but I'd honestly try the velcro first (I'm cheap - LOL!)

Good luck! This too shall pass.

A. @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

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I am sorry to read about so many of you having this kind of problems, God gave us the instruction book for training up our children, that He has given us, but instead we have looked to man for what they say is best for our children, You can look around at our world and see what man has said is not working. God said that rebellion (foolishness) is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15
in Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
God knows what this child needs more than we do. But now days people are afraid to discipline. Look at what has happened to our children and our families, it is not working doing it mans way. Dad & moms are working all day no one wants to come home to have to discipline a child, so they just try to smooth over the problems until they get so out of hand you have to look for help, then they become teenagers and you can't handle them at all. Proverbs 19:18 Chasten your son/daughter while there is hope, and do not set your heart on his/her crying.
Proverbs 13: 24 He who spares the rob hates his son/daughter, but he who loves him disciplines him/her promptly (early).
Proverbs 29:15 & 17 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Correct your son/daughter, and he/she will give you rest; Yes, he/she will give delight to your soul.
Proverbs is full of so much instructions for all areas of our life, but especially for our children, I know it works because my children were trained up this way, and they are both older with families of there own, and still bring us much delight and our grandchildren are a delight to have over also. I wish that for all you moms and dads out there, that your children will be fun and obedient to your voice, so that they can honor and respect you, and in the future they will respect other authorities over them.
I am sorry to have gone on and on, but I see so many families struggling with their children in the stores and they don't know how to handle them and making it unpleasant for them and all the other people trying to shop. When its just so much easier on the child and the parent to have already set the ground rules and they know when you say something you mean it, and they know the consequences if they don't listen to you.
When you start young on a child, let me give an example, my 6-8 month old no longer wants to lay still while I change his diaper, so I tell them no and firmly roll them over, if they do it again, with a little more firmer voice I repeat for the 2nd time, if they do it again, they get a small swat on the behind and reminded that momma said no you lay still and you continue this until they obey your voice. If necessary the swat gets harder until they don't want a swat again. My kids never had to have more than 2 because I started young. Then you don't ever go back and let them make a game out of changing the diaper. Because that will confuse them as to what the rules are. So many parents make this mistake, one day they set and rule and the next day they are busy and don't inforce the rule they just made, you have just taught your child they can't really trust your word. They must be able to know that you mean what you say and they you will enforce it.(Think how you feel when you can't trust what your boss says or a co-worker or friend, because they are not people that keep their word)
Most of the time its not that the child is out of control its the parents. Make him stay in his car seat and tell him the next time you buckle him in "if you undo your belt again and I stop this car momma or daddy will give you a swat" and you repeat this until he doesn't want that swat anymore, because they keep getting harder. And YES he does understand what you are saying, so many think a 1-2 year old don't understand, well they are the ones fooling you, they are pretty smart little characters, and so much fun when you have trained them to obey your voice. When you begin this training young, with a firm voice NOT LOUD, you hardly ever have to get loud unless its an emergency. Well God Bless you with His wisdom as you train up this special gift He has given you.

grandma J.

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Hello J.,
First of all, safety. The seatbelt problem was one I struggled with too. My daughter, at about the same age as your son, started taking off her seatbelt. I would be driving down the road and suddenly see my daughter roaming around the backseat. I was horrified. I do not use spanking as a form of discipline, but this was serious. I stopped the car and spanked her. She didn't get completely out of her seat again,but she did continue to undo the top buckle of her seatbelt. I finally had to buy a new carseat with a buckle that was more difficult to undo. Threatening without following can make the power struggles last longer. I give one warning then follow through. The power struggles have gotten better. It is important that children have their voices, so I pick my battles. Good luck. Sincerely S.

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Wow J.....I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you and your husband!!! Yike!!! I think I would start giving him "choices" "Do you want to lay on the bed or the sofa to have your diaper changed?" "Do you want to have a book to read or a truck when you are in your car seat?". Give him the feeling that he has some "power" and maybe he wont' try to grab power at every chance. My feeling is that it is most important for you to try and stay as calm as possible during these "episodes", don't give him the reaction that he is looking for, I know I know, easier said than done.
One thing I have picked up from my oldest daughter and they wonderful way she is raising her 20 month old....don't let your son hear you or anyone else discussing how "strong willed" or "stubborn" he is, annd don't let the phrase"terrible two's " enter your mind or your vocabulary, it will become a self fulfilling prophecy... try and approach this as positively as you can. And keep telling yourself "this too shall pass"!!!

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My son is also very strong willed. Luckily it got easier as he got older. I found as a parent dealing with these behaviors to be extrememly frustrating ans somewhat demoralizing. I appreciated it when I saw other people struggle with their children. You are not alone by any means.

I would suggest the following:

Logical consequences - pick a consequence that relates to the misbehavior. If he takes his diaper off and he makes a mess he has to clean it up. Younger kids especially have a hard time relating the punishment to the crime if it is not logical.

Offer choices - children, like adults, feel the need to have control. The choices have to be age appropriate; safe, and ones that you can live with.
Examples. In our family, we use car seats and seat belts to keep us safe. Would you like to get in your car seat now or in 5 minutes. Would you like to buckle yourself in or would you like me to do it for you.
Would you like to wear the diaper with this pattern or with that pattern. Do you think you would feel better with a clean diaper? Would you like to take your diaper off now or in 5 minutes. Would you like to take it off yourself or would you like me to do for you.

Keep your tone calm and non confrontational. Remember you want him to comply by giving him a choice and making it his idea.

Pick your battles wisely. Some things that you want to instill in him as house rules are important. Things that are for health and safety are also important. Others may not be.

If you son can verbally communicate well let him help you make up rules. You can obviouslly guide him in this process. Ask him leading questions to solicit the answers that you want. If he is has a hard time with transitions, have him help you make a chart with pictures, photos, etc showing a list of things that needs to be done for morning or evening routines. If he does not communicate well this may also be a source of frustration for him.

Transitions - Some kids who are strong willed have a problem with transitions. Always give them warning when you want him to shift gears.
relate the misbehavior and also giving him choices. Also, pick your battles.

Make some things a game to get them done. Example: Who wants to race to get to the car?

Read some books on logical consequences like love and logic. There are also a lot of books on parenting strong willed children. Many deal with logical consequences as well. I think I picked up some tips from Dr. Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block." I didn't use all of it.

Accept imperfection - You may turn some things over to your son to do but he may not do them as well as you like. The point is for him to do it. If he does his own diaper you can go back and discretely fix it later or accept that it is on crooked.

When my son was younger I had to give him choices for everything or we never would have moved forward on anything. It was very tiring but less tiring than battling with him. The battles you are mentioning are really pretty common ones. No one likes to be restrained, although we know as adults that is is good for our health and safety. Both car seats and diaper changing can relate to restraining a child. It is hard sometimes to think of things from a child's perspective.

This is your child's temperment. Although, it is hard you will have to embrace it. I worked to focus on the positives of having a strong willed child. Strong will and persistance really can be positive attributes in an adult. Strong willed children are often very smart. It is how you mentor him to use these traits that will help him in the future.

Good luck

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Hi J., It sounds like you have gotten some great ideas
already, but I wanted to add my two cents! I am a nana to 6 boys(one just born Monday!) I too have a 28 month old grandson that I babysit every day along with his 6 year old
and 3 year old brothers. He is VERY SPIRITED as well! I like that word better that what I usually say HARD HEADED!
I was told I was like that as a child too! PAY BACK! I try
to make things a game as well or give him choices. It seems
like every time I pick a cup for his milk he wants a different one! Or if I am going to change him on the bed he
wants on the floor! In the car I tell him that the police
will get us if he doesn't have his seat belt on because it
isn't safe. If they take them off I tell them we will have to go to the police station and have them put them back on!
They love police, fire engines,ambulances,etc. It doesn't seem to scare them it just makes them put them back on! Someday these spirited children are going to become something really extraordinary because they are soooo strong
willed! We just have to hang in there! Good Luck and God Bless Nana of 6

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It sounds like you have a "spirited child"...I have one of those two and just read a great book, "Raising Your Spirited Child". It's a matter of figuring out what works (and doesn't) for your childs particular quirks. As the previous responder said, making things a game (boys are naturally more competitive) and giving choices. Some kids really need to hear exactly what is going to be happening and when...they don't respond well to sudden change, which can be as simple as getting in and out of the car. My mom says she wishes they had more books on that when I was a child because I was definitely "spirited"! A little bribery does work for me in the car sometimes..."get in your seat and you can have fruit snacks or a lollipop"...just something small that keeps his mind off of having to be in the car seat (and his hands busy!).

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I have 2 strong willed babies and 1 strong willed husband. They come by it honesty! My 3 1/2 talks back,one of her biggest faults, she gets herself in more trouble by talking back although it's a close race to her being mean to something smaller than her, like her sister, or the dog. It is not beneath her to kick or hit mom either. My 1 year-old is a screamer and fit thrower, this goes on and on...now she has started the hitting too. I try everything and I keep trying everything. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But what works nearly everytime is when I say "Who wants to ...bahbah(take a bath, eat some dinner, clean up our toys). My 3 year-old will most times say "Me Me!",with her hand raised jumping up and down. It's unbelieveable! I guess they use this at her preschool she goes to or something, but it works pretty good. Even if it's something her sister can't even do. "Me Me!" Give it a try, but I wouldn't over use it. I'm interested in what other moms say... I always need new tactics!

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I do agree with stepanie. My daughter too would unbuckel at that age. I shocked her, no warning... pulled over took her out of the seat, spanked her, and put her back in and buckeled her up. She didn't know what happened...except mom was serious! I then told her not to unbuckel her carseat ever again....and she didn't. I have been blessed with my others...they couldn't wait to get their belt on. My now 8yr old screamed and cried because her belt wasn't on yet. She climbed in her seat(she was 2)and then started the car...she thought I was going to leave without her buckeled. She will still do this!!! Good luck to you with your strong willed child...you can do it... just find out what works best. I find that giving choices is a big key... do you want mommy to change you here...or there. And since getting into the car is a challenge... maybe have a race to the car, or ask him if he wants to run or walk to the car. Reward being patient while you buckel him with listening to one of his favorite CD's in the car. Just a thought...

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Hi J.,
First off I would like to thank you for posting this. I also have a spirited little guy, and it is nice to know so many others do too. I don't have any advice, but you got several responses and maybe you (and the rest of us) can try a few of the suggestions. I have 2 older kids, 21 and 15, and I just thought I spoiled him half rotten. Which I am sure is part of the problem. I take things as they come and hope for the best. I guess I use my imagination with him and sometimes it works. Good luck!

I totally feel your pain! Our 2-yr-old daughter is a redhead and threw her first tantrum at 4 months old. She's an amazing child - incredibly bright and thoughtful, but also VERY strong-willed. Luckily she can't undo her seat belt yet, but she wants to get in the car herself and buckle herself in which when she's dawdling, can take forever. I try to be consistent, but it is exhausting. We are expecting our next daughter in November, and I can honestly say that I have a shorter temper when I'm pregnant, so that doesn't help. And we just moved three weeks ago, plus with me working I feel like I'm constantly struggling with her to get out the door, too. The poor girl! I am really trying to be extra patient with all the changes going on.

That said, I don't really have any advice. You are doing the same things I do. I try to make sure she's getting plenty of sleep and give us more time in the morning. I also give her choices - ask her if she wants to change her diaper next or brush her teeth next (she also doesn't like to have her diaper changed). I try to multitask by letting her brush her teeth or floss while I change her - it keeps her occupied and it's one less thing to do later! (Mind you, this only works about half the time.) I, too, need to read Dobson's "The Strong-Willed Child". Hang in there!!!

My strong willed child is now 16 and still strong willed which I am glad. He is "not" a follower and stands up for him self and others. He knows what is right and wrong and does not believe in breaking the rules. I'm lucky that his best friends all believe the same way he does. As to when he was younger we found that by explaining things to him as to why something needed to be done so he could understand made all the difference in the world. He still doesn't like to be told what to do unless he can understand the reason behind it. We also discovered when he was around 4 that he had allergies and when he did not feel well his reactions were worse at those times. He also was and sitll is a child that you do not spring things on he needs time to process and then usually everything is fine. Sorry this is so long just wanted to let you know that everything will be fine. You just need to approach things a little differently with this child.

I have a strong willed child who is now 3 and she was SO much worse before we figured out her food allergies and whenever she was reacting to something. Allergies can definitely affect behavior and sleep. Aside from that, I try to give her lots of opportunities to make decisions (do you want to leave now or in 5 minutes? What shirt do you want to wear? ) I'll take her for a walk in the neighborhood and let her choose which way we turn, etc. Also, when it's time to stop doing something or leave somewhere, I'll say, "3 more times down the slide" etc instead of "ok, time to go" (kids don't have a sense of time so counting works better than "5 more minutes")...I'm always surprised how well that works. Now that she is 3, she is so much more compliant...don't know if it's the age or if it's because we got her allergy treatments. Hang in there.

We have a very strong-willed little boy, too. We certainly do not have answers for all his tamtrums, but we've found a few answers.
When we drop him off at day care, we ask him to open the door so mommy can go. He does. Then we ask him to close the door. He does. If we don't do that, he is a wreck all day.
In the car seat, we have him "help" open his door. He gets in the car seat by himself. He "helps" us buckle the car seat, too, or he is a wreck.
Basically, anything that we need him to do (change his diaper, put his clothes on, etc), we find some way that he can "help". Then he feels in control. Diaper change? He gets the diaper and the change mat, puts it on the ground, and lies down. Then we can help him. Clothes on? We hold his pants, and he puts his legs in. If he starts to fuss about something, then I give him choices. Do you want to wear this pair of pants or this pair of pants? Then he has control once again.
Really, he just wants to be seen as a "big kid", and the more you can help him with that, the happier he'll be. It takes a lot of creativity and patience, but it does get easier!

Good Morning J., Been there done that, have hat and T-Shirt to prove it...lol Going through it again with the youngest gr son Zane. Yesterday the little stink opened the back door on the car with his toes. I thought the safety was latched. MY mistake for sure. Good Thing I have a warning that tells me a door is open. I stopped So fast thought the air bags might open!
Before that happened was getting Corbin from Pre-school and picked up my son so he could drop off a permission form for our gr daughter to be on safety patrol. Anyway Zane got his arm out of the strap, Travis saw him do it when we pulled back into his driveway. He told Zane to put his arm back in, He refused. So Travis said I'll handle this. Put his arm in tightened the strap so it wasn't so loose. That kids started screaming blue thunder when he realized he couldn't get out. I bet it was 5 miles before he quit screaming. Corbin kept saying make Zane happy Nana...lol

Oldest gr son Austin is 9 now, but his mom had to pin his legs under hers on the floor when she changed his diaper. I give Zane something to hold while changing him Or I would be pinning that one to the floor too. Usually give him a wet wipe to hold. If I give him the clean pull up he throws it on the floor. He is a very Spirited Child also. Completely opposite of his older brother.
There is a book old one but very good by James Dobson, called "The Strong Willed Child". Plus another one called "Children are Wet Cement".

*Laughing* I have a magnet on my frig that says "Insanity is Hereditary, I got it from my Kids".

Deep breathe J., you can do it. Just takes time and a lot of temperance to hold on!!

God Bless you
K. Nana of 5

Hi J., first breathe.....then remember that he is the child and you are the adult. it seems that your son "might" be a little of what they call "oppositional defiant". one thing you might try is telling him to do the opposite of what you actually want him to do. it takes a little calmness and thinking on your part, but it has worked for me. there is also what's called love and logic and natural consequences. for instance, he fights getting his diaper changed: let him be and tell him to let you know when he is ready for the change. these kids have to feel they are in control and they have a choice. not a bad thing. as working parents we don't always have time to help them figure out how to accomplish that need in an acceptable way.
back to the diaper. you may to try this at home a couple of times. more than likely it will only take about one time.
choose your battles. if what he is pushing to have control of will not harm him or someone else, just let it go.

the seat belt. if he can take it off he can put it on. natural consequence. you stop until HE puts the seat belt back on. when it is no longer a game and he has to do the work things may change. they did with mine. i ddn't scream or anything. i played music or had a book or magazine to read while i waited. try it at times when you are not in a hurry and "have to be" some place. once the rules and consequences are clear he can be in control of them. seems that now he is in control of the games that he choosed to play.
good luck with your new son, enjoy him. always remember to breathe and who's in charge.
stay blessed.

lots of options out there: Parents as 1st Teachers has resources. Your local school's counselor will have resources. You can also seek help thru a private counselor.

& I say seek help, because you need to get control of your son. Life does not have to be this hard for you. & as soon as you yell at him, he's won the battle. Seriously, high-spirited children feed off of both positive & negative energy. Once of the wisest parenting skills came from my son's 2nd grade teacher: she said that when children get out of hand, you should begin talking quieter & quieter...& eventually the child will stop & listen. It works, it truly works.

As for noncompliance, that's a hard one! I went thru it with my older son....& in each group of my daycare kids, there's always ONE who pulls the same act. My best friend says that God gives these children to me for a reason.... but I still haven't figured out that one yet!

The thing which works best for me...would be a complete shutdown on my part. If the child is not cooperating, then I clearly state my request - state the punishment for noncompliance - & then consistently follow thru on that punishment. With my own children, spanking did occur. With my daycare kids, flat-out NO spanking....it's against the law! Soooo, I've had to learn to get tougher & to be absolutely consistent with the punishments...which are time-outs either in "the chair" or in the bedroom. The child does not reenter the activity/get released from timeout until they've been "quiet" for 2 minutes (for 2 y.o.s following the one minute for each year rule). I do not speak during this time....if the child tries to get my attention, then I place my finger over my lip & shake my head. After a few rounds of this, I usually get results & then I clearly state the unwanted action & the need for 2 minutes of quiet before release from timeout. It takes forever for the child to learn this, but once learned it works. Especially when the other children are still playing.

Which brings me to my next thought, if you work fulltime.... then how does he behave in childcare? Consistency & continuity between home & childcare is essential! You all have to be on the same page to get a handle on him....ask your provider how she handles him. You might be surprised at the answer! I wish you Peace.

Hi J.,

I'd have to say, it all sounds normal! My advice would be to see if you can find a Love and Logic class - check with the headstart/preK in your school district and see if they offer L&L parenting classes. We found them really helpful because it gives you ways to handle yourself and your frustration as well as to teach them ways to handle themselves.

If they don't have classes around you, check out the library, I would imagine they have books or maybe DVD's to borrow? I know one of the last names is Fey. It's good stuff that doesn't make you feel bad about your own behaviour after the 'punishment'.

Bless you, you'll get through it!! Good luck with your baby on the way too!

Oh the many times I looked at my little "angel" when she was that age and said "why can't you be like the other little kids". It use to take both my husband and me to change her diaper, one to hold her down and one to do the changing. And everytime you would think she was being murdered. Bath time was just as much fun. She is now 6 years old and just as hard headed. Wish I had some magic solution for you, but I don't. I will say to read Dr. James Dobson's book the Strong Willed Child, pray a lot and remember, kids like ours are the ones that change the world. That's what the kindergarten teacher told me. These are the kids that you will wonder what you ever did to get a child like that, but they will also be the leaders when they are older. I will say that you have to stick to your guns and be consistant, or they will run all over you. We also took a class at our church that was by Bob Barnes called Parenting on Purpose that was a great help to us. If you can find a way to take that class I would highly suggset that. It will get better! Good luck and God bless!

I want you to know that you are not alone :)...my son is also 28 months old. He is good for the most part but he has those moments...like you said he wants to do everything on his own time but it's hard when we have to get out the door at a certain time...I am a single mother and the hardest part I have is when we go grocery shopping and it's time to haul everything up to our second floor apartment while trying to get him to come with me at the same time. It is definately a struggle at times so I hear what you're saying :)...I'm going through the same thing so I'm not sure what advice I can give you...sometimes I try to lighten up the mood a little by "roaring" at him or tickling him and he seems to forget what he was battling with me to begin with. Good luck!!

Yes, I can relate. It's probably just his age and personality that you will just have to wait out. But you could try to give him some control in certain parts of his life. Give him limited choices on a regular basis. Like "Do you want to wear the red shirt, or the blue?" "Do you want peas or broccoli with your dinner?"

Let him pick the music. Put him in charge of tupperwear sorting. Give him a job, a purpose, a small responsibility. Give him control over things that you can afford to let go of yourself. That sort of thing.

Don't ask him to plan the dinner menu for the whole family or otherwise overwhelm him with too much responsibility - but give him some sense of control. It might help him let the other battles go sometimes. Good luck!

Try Dr. Dobson's 'The strong willed child'. Go to 'Focus on the Family' online to order it. You can get it on CD, cassette or in a book.

Also, if he is getting out of his car seat then take him to the store & have him try out every car seat to see which one that he can't open. My 3 1/2 y/o is very good about opening things that he shouldn't (including the chest clip on his car seat), but he is unable to undo the main buckle of his car seat. The car seat that we have is a Graco Nuatilus 3 in 1 car seat. I know that a new car seat is expensive, expecially with a new baby on the way, but it is too dangerous for him to unbuckle at any time of the trip.

God bless!

Well welcome to the club. I have an 18 month old that is very stubborn. never lets me know when she needs her pullup changed and wants to do everything her self. as for how to deal with it one if it is at home and he starts to throw a fit ignore him. do not pay attention to him during the fit and then when he starts to calm down simply ask him are you done now. I know it is hard. As for the battle over the carseat explain he has to be in it in order to go anywhere and thats the end of discussion.

As for getting things to turn around just pick your battles is all you can do. he wants to eat pizza for breakfast fine so long as he eats but not being in the carseat that has to be your way. simply some things are trivial and shouldn't matter.