P.T. asks from Beaverton, OR on January 07, 2011
Stressful Pregnancy
Hi mamas. I'm 35 and learned I was pregnant a few months ago and am/was in a very happy relationship of 3 years up until this point. We didn't plan to have kids and because I chose to keep the baby (it just felt like fate). My husband feels like I took away his choice and says I've "ruined his entire life" and that he will probably carry "hatered" for me for the rest of my life. I love him very much and know he loves me. We both come from fairly traumatic upbringings so I feel this is where his somewhat verbally abusive responses are coming from. I hear this from him every single day. So much so that I made him leave our home for a few weeks to stay with a friend because I didn't wish to be subjected to it.
Physically, I feel soooooo sick all the time and wonder if the morning sickness will ever go away. I'm heavy at 210 lbs and feel gross. I know I'm doing the right thing, and I want this baby, but between the emotional stress and the relationship stress....I just feel so overwhelmed.
I just started a job that isn't working out at all. My friends have all decided they should talk with me about how to 'trick' their boyfriends into having a baby because they really want one too. It angers me because I didn't 'trick' my husband, which it seems is implied, and I'm soooooo morally against treating a human being, a sweet innocent baby, as an object (seems like they want the baby for the clothes and toys more so than wanting to be a mama). I have asked them (2 of my close friends who know how much stress I'm under) to maybe hold off on talking with me about their baby-making plans because I'm still trying to deal with my husband and what having a baby means to me. But they got very upset and said I was a selfish friend for not supporting them.
Then there's the abusive mother who has never ever wanted to be my mother, hated every moment of it, who is now calling me every other day to express how much she loved being my mother and how she's so excited to do the same things with my unborn child.
I don't know what kind of advice to ask for. I guess I just feel so alone and that everyone in my life is making my pregnancy about them and is extremely upset with me for...being pregnant or asking for some discretion about how much I talk about it. I'm so depressed and getting myself to work is exhausting.
I know I can do this, somehow, even if it's without my husband. My child will always be my priority, but I will do whatever it takes to repair our relationship. But I am going to have this baby.
That's all. Not sure what to ask for. Just physically and emotionally feeling broken.
So What Happened?™
Thank you for the support. I wanted to also say that I didn't plan on ever having kids but was on a progesterone only birth control pill while I quit smoking because of my age and it simply failed. So it was a shock for both of us. I think my husband just thought I'd terminate because it was understood since the beginning of our relationship that neither of us wanted kids. But I just feel like this child is meant to be and while I am very pro choice, I feel the choice part for me is keeping the baby.
I was a bit overly dramatic and ended my friendships because I felt like it was the last straw (they had been struggling friendships for a year or so anyways). I'd rather be alone and trying to be positive and stress free for my baby than to work on relationships that just make me feel bad. I love my husband dearly so will work on that relationship and see what happens after the birth, but that stress on top of morning sickness is simply unbarable. I feel like I cry more than I'm actually awake some days...is that even possible?!!!
More Answers
B.K. answers from San Francisco on January 07, 2011
Hi Mama to be
You said that you are sick of everyone making the pregnancy about them not you so from now make it your priority to think only of yourself and your baby.
Block out all this negativity and enjoy some bonding with this baby inside you that you clearly want.
Be kind to yourself and do the things that will make you feel better.
You do not need or deserve all this grief.
For the morning sickness,I feel you girl,I had it all the way through,hope yours will end soon and you will go into the second trimester,blooming phase.
I think as we get older we all start to choose our friends more wisely,maybe if these friends are not good for you,you might start thinking do you need these friendships in your life
Only have your mother involved as much as you choose to ,not what she decides.
As for your hubby I am not going to make much comment,you know your relationship best and what the future holds. Be honest with yourself and think what is best for you and baby in the long run and go with that.
Take your power back Mama and take care of yourself.
All the strength to you and congrats on your pregnancy
B.
4 moms found this helpful
M.M. answers from Seattle on January 08, 2011
Your husband has no right to be angry in my opinion. Pregnancy is always a possiblity and a baby has a right to life. I sincerly feel you will not regret your choice. A baby can bring joy and meaning to your life that you never imagined possible. I pray your husband changes his mind. I also pray that you will have people around you that can be supportive and caring. I am sorry for all you been through. God bless you
M.
2 moms found this helpful
A.S. answers from Eugene on January 08, 2011
lots of good advice so far, just wanted to add a little more. pregnancy, especially unexpected pregnancy, can be an amazing opportunity for a lot of soul searching, healing, growth, and transformation - could even be considered a blessing, a powerful force to move you (and your husband, if he is willing) through healing of past wounds at an exponential rate. pregnancy, birthing, and parenting can put you right up against your stuff, and if you are motivated enough and have enough support you can take advantage of this time to really work through stuff and move forward as the powerful, loving person you were always meant to be (and always have been, under the wounding). having a new life to consider (and put first, since this being is totally depending on you for nurturing and protection) can provide you with the strong motivation to really use this time. i would highly recommend seeing a good therapist (take your time, shop around, interview several till you find one that feels right to you), both individually yourself and with your husband. you may be able to find someone who will do both, or two therapists who might work together, or just a separate therapist for you and for your marriage (of course if your husband is willing to do individual therapy as well, that would be even better). if he's not willing to go to couples counseling, please see a counselor yourself. (i'm using the words counselor and therapist interchangeably here, but what i really mean is someone who will not only help you navigate the current situation ("counselor") but who will also help you explore and heal the roots in the past ("therapist"). the person may call themselves either, or even something else, like "shamanic healer." there are many paths and practitioners, the important thing is to find someone that your intuition tells you that you can work with.
regarding your husband - maybe you can use NVC (nonviolent communication) methods to really listen to him, listening beneath the anger he expresses to what his fears are, maybe even exploring into his childhood, what is being triggered in him. and maybe you will not be able to do that, or he won't be willing, in which case it might be better to simply not react to his comments, or remove yourself from the situation, to protect yourself and your baby (or as you have done before, ask him to leave). it could be good for him also to have some space where he can really begin to deal with his inner demons on his own (hopefully with some kind of support, therapy, etc). the most important thing for you is to protect and nurture yourself and your baby, getting as much positive support as you need and can find. it does sound like some of your "friends" and family are pretty self-centered and not able to give you the support you need, and i think it's good that you set boundaries with them and keep them at a distance if they aren't willing/able to be more supportive. perhaps you can help them tune into the baby and shift their "selfishness" to really focusing on this baby's needs. the baby is very aware already, and open to receive all kinds of good input. i would highly recommend that you talk with your baby often, several times a day. your baby gets your emotions directly. this is not to say you should always be happy or pretend to be happy, but rather that you should say things to baby like "we hadn't planned to have children, and when we discovered you were here, we were very scared, and your father is still very angry, and i imagine that must have been really scary for you too. but now i'm really really glad you are here, and i'm so looking forward to loving and nurturing and being with you throughout your life. any negative feelings your father or i or anyone else might have are absolutely not about you, but rather about us and our previous hurts. i will do my best to protect you from our fear and anger, and i will continue to seek out all the support i need in order to give you the best care possible." when you do feel scared or sad or get caught up in negative feelings yourself, you can reassure your baby, "i'm feeling scared right now, things feel really hard and i don't know what will happen, but these feelings are not about you. you are safe and loved and protected. i'm seeking out and getting whatever help i need in order to move through this, because i love you so much, and you are my first priority." things like that, in your own words of course. you can also tune in to the baby and listen for communications from him/her.
also please do what you can to eat as healthily as possible. it is wonderful that you stopped smoking! i don't know if you have explored or decided on a provider, but even if you have, i would highly recommend talking with several different midwives and consider giving birth at home or at a freestanding (not affiliated with hospital) birth center. midwives can help you with nutrition and other ways of preparing for a healthy, easy, wonderful birth. find yourself a good doula too. you might plan to go ahead with the birth on your own, and if your husband comes around before then he could be included as well, and maybe your mother. this could be a time that you and your mother could become closer, if she is able to face and admit the ways she hurt you. if not, it might be best to keep your distance, but try to understand her feelings too, it can be a tricky dance, so trust yourself. you might do some counseling with her as well, if she is open to that.
there are lots and lots of good books out now about pregnancy, birth, parenting, so you can inform yourself and get some support through reading as well (and videos/dvds too). and find a support group or class to attend. you will make many new friends with this transition in your life, and some of your old friends my stay, some may leave, some may transform, that is normal.
i really appreciate you reaching you to this forum. i imagine that all of us who have read your post are thinking of you and holding you and your baby in a circle of love. may you also find that support in actual face-to-face relationships in your life. please do keep us posted!
2 moms found this helpful
R.S. answers from Seattle on January 08, 2011
I don't know why you two never wanted children. But I didn't want any either and that changed later on. So it is quite possible your husband will have a change of attitude. Though it really depends on why he doesn't want a child now.
You're right. Your baby is your priority right now. Do you have other friends or relatives you can turn to? If not, I can only suggest a local women's support group in your area. I am sure you can find one. You can even ask a local hospital.
As for your husband. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you love him and why you made that decision. In any partnership but especially a marriage, if one person decides on their own without consulting with the other, it is normal for the other person to feel disregarded. So it's important to keep talking with your husband and let him know that's not why you're keeping the baby. If you tell him simply what you told us here would he understand?
You know, if you had decided to not keep the baby just to make your husband happy, would not the situation be reversed (i.e. you feeling as though your choice was taken away, etc.)?
Eventually if your husband does not have a change of heart even after the baby is born, you may need to make a decision about your marriage, for your baby's sake as well as yours and your partner's. A
But for now, focus on your baby. Try to have happy thoughts. Read to your baby while you're pregnant. Look at pleasant images and listen to soothing music as much as you can.
Good luck and take care of yourself and your little one!
2 moms found this helpful
J.O. answers from Corvallis on January 08, 2011
Hello, I'm sure you've already gotten tons of support from the Mama's out there, but I wanted to throw my two cents in there too. I want to firstly applaud you for putting yourself and therefore your baby first. I am pro choice so I'm not saying it's great you decided to keep the baby, I'm saying that now that you have decided to keep the baby, you are putting yourself and the child number 1. I also think it's great that you are setting boundaries with people (friends, husband) and hopefully with your mom regarding what you will and won't do/allow etc. Firstly, your husband needs counseling. If he isn't willing to do this to save your marriage or to work through whatever anger he is feeling about you keeping the child then you need to reassess whether or not it is worth struggling to work on something that he isn't. Secondly, I would strongly consider what kind of father he will be..what role models he had growing up and given that he doesn't want to be a dad if he would be abusive in anyway towards the baby/child. I don't want to be a downer, but it only takes one fit of anger and shaking a baby who won't stop crying to cause severe brain damage or even death. So please examine what life you will bring the child into if he continues to have the attitude he does. In regards to the morning sickness and tiredness...this WILL get better. It is amazing because at round 3 -4 months all of the sudden you will feel SO much better. So just hang in there. In regards to work... is there anything you can do to make it better? Do you have to work right now; or maybe work part time? I hate to encourage going onto public assistance but that is open to you too at this point. Things will get better in regards to the pregnancy. Try to get as much rest as you can. It sounds like you are making some really good decisions in a tough time. Good luck to you.
2 moms found this helpful
D.S. answers from Portland on January 08, 2011
I would like to recommend a course that could be very life-changing with regard to both your future relationship with your baby and your husband's - and would also give you perspective on how you were parented growing up. It is called "Circles of Security" - it's about different attachment styles between parents and children - it's very helpful to understand how these things develop - both to give you perspective on your upbringing and to help you and your husband with your relationship with your baby (it's all inter-related!).
Good Luck,
D.
2 moms found this helpful
L.W. answers from Cincinnati on January 07, 2011
Oh sweetie, I am sorry to hear your story but I seriously understand your frustration. Please know you are doing a wonderful thing and mommys instinct is a real thing. Just because daddy is not on board, so what. He may get on board, he may not, but please know that if he does leave you because of a baby (something the 2 of you created out of love) that is just fates way of guiding you to another path. God I sound like a hippy...and work.....it does suck. my job was ok and then once I had the baby I cant stand my work. ...so now I am looking for a good balance. I am sure you love your hubby. my advise is to ignore his comments. Don't fuel his fire. ANYTHING you say (good or bad) will fuel it. And anything you say will not change his mind about the way he feels (right now). Once the baby is here, he will pretty much jump in or out. either way its a good thing and then you know where you stand. I say surround yourself by people who care about you and your future. (possibly your parents or a sibling, an aunt?) Let them know the scoop of whats going on and what the possibilities are and they can give you options or guidance.
Also keep in mind those lovey pregnancy hormones go crazy at times and you can be SUPER sensative to everything...even a comment that was not intended to be mean
XOXO to you and that little one. You are going to be a GREAT mom.!!!
2 moms found this helpful
L.L. answers from Seattle on January 09, 2011
Wow, what a difficult situation to be in!! I think you made the right decision to let go of the friends who were not treating you like friends.
I would think long and hard about the boundaries you want to set with your mother and talk to her about it before the baby is born. It is much easier to deal with that before the birth than after. We have grand parent issues on both sides, soI can say from experience that it may not be fun, but protect your munchkin from the crazyness rather than guarding their feelings. The adults in the situation have more coping mechanisams than the baby.
In regards to your husband, I would say that as difficult as it is, hear him out and let him express himself. If my husband pulled a 180 on me like that, I would be both shocked and have a hard time handling it. I know pregnancy is not fun (my due date was a couple days ago for this kid, and I am fully appreciating all the misery that is preganancy), but guys don't get how hard it is physically and he needs you to see it from his side of the fence if you are going to work this out. It sounds like your marriage is worth fighting for, and your baby will be better off with 2 committed parents than one committed parent. Invest the time in healing yor relationship even if you don't physically feel up to it . . . all three of you will be better off for it in the long run!
Good luck!!!!!!
1 mom found this helpful
Email
facebook
twitter
StumbleUpon
digg it
kirtsy
Technorati
reddit
del.icio.us
blinklist
simpy
