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Stressed Out Mom Needing Relief

So I a few weeks ago one of you wrote about how frustated you were that your husband did absolutely nothing to help around the house, left clothes laying around, left dirty dishes laying around, etc. I really thought you were talking about my husband. Then I read the responses and there were several that were in the exact same situation. Some said deal with it or you would lose him to another women which I thought was ridiculous, but that is neither here nor there. My question to my fellow mothers and wives who work full time and have to deal with it is, how do you deal with it? My husband lost his job back at the end of October. He does goes to school 3 nights a week. He does take care of my 4 year old while I go to work, sort of. My 4 year old says he sleeps a lot while I am gone. The house is always a mess while I am away. I work full time, take care of the house, do the household duties and take care of my kids in the evening. How do you deal with it without losing your mind? He does absolutely nothing to help out. NOTHING. I've heard of this yoga thing? Any one out there tried it? Any other options to try to keep the stress level down while working full time and taking care of 3 boys basically? One more thing, he insisted on getting a puppy, which I thought would be great for my kids and they love it. The problem is my husband won't spend time potty training the puppy (which he has all the time in the world to do so) so the puppy uses my room as a toilet, aaahhhh. How disgusting is that. Any stress relieving techniques would be grealy appreciated.

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What can I do next?

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If in the similar position, I would sit down with him, eye to eye with an estimate for a house cleaner, and whatever else you need that he isn't doing, and give him the ultimadum. Either he gets active, or he's going to pay someone else to do his half. Good luck.

I don't think you need stress relief, I think you need a partner that will pull his weight. All the stress relief in the world won't help if you don't have one free minute.

My husband has not lost his job and he still acts like this. He thinks he does his part if he goes to work everyday, walks the dog and cuts the lawn on weekends. I work, shop, cook, clean, do laundry, pay the bills and stil manage to have family relationships outside of the marriage. I think it must be a male thing.

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Was he sleeping all the time and exhibiting the same behavior before he lost his job? My first reaction when I read your post was that he may have some depression, related to the job loss. It always puts men in a mental crisis when they are no longer the "provider", when they are dependent on their wives.

I would suggest you focus on one request initially... potty training the dog... instead of bombarding him with a huge to-do/gripe list. Otherwise, he'll just shut down. Tell him that, if the puppy isn't potty trained by X-date, you all will need to find a new home for the dog because you just don't have the bandwidth for it (and its messes).

As for stress relief, yoga is one option. I don't knock it. ALthough, I don't seem to have time for it either. Instead, when I get a chance, I go walking (for exercise); bubblebaths; momma's night out with a group of girlfriends.

P.S.: It goes without saying that he MUST stay awake and participate when he is taking care of the children. School is almost out and then your 5 yr old will be home too. That's just irresponsible to sleep while 5 and 4 yr old children are left unsupervised. Its dangerous! And if he can't do that, then find a daycare alternative instead of leaving them in his care. You need to have non-angry dialogue with him in regard to this. Seriously. Don't backdown on this.

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My first recommendation is Marriage Counseling if there's any way you can afford it or insurance covers. Make a committment to go once a week until you really start feeling that you're getting somewhere and then once a month for at least a year. Old habits are very hard to break.

If counseling isn't an option:
1.Make a list of all daily chores and all weekly chores that you and your husband have.
2.Each of you write down the things you least dislike (few chores are enjoyable) and write down the chores that you each actually kind of like. (My husband loves to mow the yard).
3.Divide up evenly by starting with taking the chores you don't hate and then go down the list. Clearly your husband should have a longer list on home chores since you are out of the house all day. (NO ARGUING THIS ONE)
4.Explain that when you get home you would love to be able to enjoy time with hubby and with the children without tackling all the chores unaddressed all day.
5.Be specific with how the house should be picked up and by what time as well as how many loads of clothes washed a day,etc.
6.Finally, if he refuses to participate then inform him that he is NOT your child and you are supposed to be a team. If he refuses to appropriately share the duties of parenting and managing a household then you will treat it more independently: You will ONLY wash and care for the children. You will only wash the children's clothes, clean their bathroom,cook for THEM. When you prepare a meal your husband will be responsible for HIS OWN food prep. He may join you and the boys when he is ready to be a partner..not an additional responsibility. If he places his dirty dishes in the sink, place them in a dish pan and simply collect his dishes. Place the tub of dirty stinky dishes in the bedroom on his side of the bed.
Always be courteous and pleasant when around your husband and don't let the children sense tension. However, remind your husband on a regular basis that you are two adults sharing a home and children and finances which also includes DUTIES. Until he treats your marriage like a partnership then you will focus on the boys.There is only so much a woman has to give of herself without losing a sense of her self.
God Bless

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D.,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You're doing great! Hears my advice. Your husband sounds like he's really depressed, REALLY depressed. I think that needs to be addressed 1st & foremost. For you, yes yoga works great for stress relief as well getting you into shape (if you aren't already ;) Another suggestion is finding a good church you are comfortable in, if you have Sunday mornings available, then you & your children can go & hopefully your husband will to, if not, you & your children can still go. If you love him, then stick by him best you can until he can heal. See if a friend can watch your children some time & you can go do something with him. Honestly, if he can snap out of his depression, he'll probably do more for/with you without having to be told.
Good luck & God Bless.
H. B

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From my own experience, no amount of Yoga or "stress relief" is going to help you "deal" with it. It will eventually catch up with you, then you will be burned out. I would say you need a "come to Jesus" meeting with the hubby. No sleeping allowed while you watch the baby.

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Yoga is great for stress relief. Family counseling is great for husbands and wives:)

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D.,
I'm one of the one's who said you should deal with it. I'm so sorry - let me back up, that really isn't quite the point. NONE of us want to deal with being treated badly. And your husband is dead wrong about not stepping up to the plate.
My husband behaved the same way - I love him very much. But he did do these things, like sleeping all day, playing gigs on weekends, not help around the house...nothing! He stayed on the computer 24-7 unless he had a gig or was taking us out for dinner, and the only time he was helpful was when someone outside the family needed him! Believe me, I let him know that I didn't like it. I was nice about it, not ___chy. But after a while my disgused and aggrivation was the only thing that he saw - even though I was unbelievably giving and kind and loving to him - he ONLY saw that I didn't respect him, I treated him like one of the kids...blah, blah, blah. If you ever watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" you will see that it is acceptable for woman to treat men like idiots.
Well, I lost him to another woman. Doesn't matter that she's getting sick of him too now, or that he's not that into her and wants to leave her asap. What matters is that he abandoned us.
I was pissed for 2 very long years over this. I treated him even worse. But then a Mamasource Mama sent me a book called "Created to be His Help Meet". And believe me I was the last person who wanted to read about being nice to someone who could do all this to me and our child. Reading it though, brought me peace and made things make sense for a change. Through God's eyes. It's hard to explain, but if you get the chance to read it, and you implement these things, not only will you feel better about who you are and what your purpose is, but you will also creat a situation where all of a sudden your husband will be kissing your feet! It is unbelievable how it works!
I didn't expect to change my husband (yes we are still married), I just wanted some peace for myself. When I found that peace, he IMMEDIATELY changed the way he's been acting for 5 years!
You have to do what you have to do, and we all respect whatever you need to make your life work. I'm the first one on board for making things just and fair. This is just a different approach - really. I'm not some nut case, as a matter of fact, I am quite normal and don't usually buy into this stuff, especially when it means I have to bend even more! But this stuff REALLY changed things for me.
God bless you, and I agree...he needs to pull his weight! But if he doesn't, what's your option??? To raise your children alone? It really isn't a better option. No man ever did better as a man by being dragged down by a nagging, or whinning, or manipulative, or disgusted or controlling wife. No man - ever!
I hope I helped you to understand that I am coming from the heart on this one.
D.

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My neighbor's husband was less than helpful with their young children. She left twice. The first time was for hours when their first child was a small babay and the second time for three days after the second one was born. She told him she would be gone because he was not participating; that she was exhausted and not interested in having a one parent family.
By the time she returned home he got it and became a participant in their lives. The mother chooses her battles and makes sure he feels like he is a winner when he does something out of "his" ordinary.
It has to be more difficult to stay the way one is than it is to change. Then the change comes.
I'm proud to know you are and individual ready to have a participant for a husband and looking for ways to make that possible.

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Hi D..
I am sorry for the situation. It is hard to manage so many things at once and to have to deal with lazy husband on top of that. I really think that it is natural for most man not to care about the house. This doesn't mean they don't love us even thow we might feel this way. They are just not so attached to the house like women are. For them the job is their thing. They identify with it. I think his laziness may be due to apathy or even depression. It is hard to lose a job. He may feel angry, worthless, demotivated and a looser. So he really needs your support and respect at this time.
At the same time you definitely need his help and time for yourself. So try to share with him how you feel, and that you are overwhelmed with work and need his support. Be careful to use I messages so he doesn't feel pushed or guilty because this will make him angry and hostile. /He probably already is beating himself up inside/. You can ask him what he thinks he can do to help you with the housework and what he feels comfortable doing. Make sure you praise him for every little thing he does even if it is not a big deal for you. This will encourage him to do more. Man are like children you should ask them more than once and praise them a lot:)
It will definitely help you if you get out of the house at least twice a month or every week. Go to gym, or dance classes, or to a coffee with girlfriends or just wondering out without the kids. This really helps me unwind. And feel like a human again:)
I hope everything works out for you and you get some releave.

Best wishes- Eva

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My advice to you is to be sure to ask the mommas who are giving you advice about THEIR marriage. How long have they been married? How many times have they been married? Some, based on their advice, I would guess have been married only a short time or several different times or not at all.

Here's my advice (FYI - married 13 years and only once with 2 kids):
Your husband:A person will rise to the level of expectation you set for them. Treat him like a lazy loser and that's what you've got. Treat him like a child and he will be.

Your home: make lists. Plan out your day, your week, your weekend. The better your plan, the more that gets done and the less you are stressed. Everything doesn't have to get done on one day, and if it does you and I both know it won't stay clean for long. Choose one day for floors, one for toliets, spend 15 mintues taking care of daily mess/clutter that has piled up. Oh, and train your boys to take care of simple things. My 5 year old is in charge of garbage. Sometimes I don't even have to ask, but usually I do point it out to him. He knows its his job and an expectation as a member of our family. He can tie it up, remove it from the can, take it to the garage and place it in the larger can. On trash nights, he rolls the big can out to the curb. He'll bring it in the next day when he comes home from daycare. My daughter sets the table. Both clean up the yard before one of us mows. Both my kids are responsible for their rooms at night before they go to bed and for their beds in the morning before they leave. They also carry their own clothes upstairs and put into their drawers (my youngest is almost 4). Both help getting dirty clothes down to the laundry. Oh, and we pick out our clothes the night before and lay them on the dresser so I don't have to have THAT battle every morning. My hubby and I tag team some things - like one will give baths, brush teeth, etc while one does the dishes and does the "sweep" of the family room. It's not set in stone who does what, it changes often. Here's my philosophy, it's much healthier and easier to choose (yes, frustration is a choice. anger is a choice. bitterness is a choice) to just spend the 5 or 10 minutes to do something that bugs me (like pick up a wrapper or stray sock) than it is to hold in these feelings or start an argument with my husband. We've made a pact - we never point fingers - we're not keeping score - we're in this together and everyone does their part.
I know its hard to work full time and manage the energy to fully enjoy and influence your children in the few precious hours you have with them in the evenings. Just remember that they are a priority! If they have a great, consistent early-enough (like 8/8:30) bedtime, then you should have a few hours to dedicate to a task or two and still have some time for hubby.
For stress: exercise! Go on a walk - the 20 or 30 minutes you are by yourself are a precious gift! Enjoy the silence, enjoy that you are taking care of you! Don't bring an ipod or other "noisy" apparatus with you. Let this be your time to hear yourself think. Physcial activity and quiet time are great for stress! You will be a happier momma which will improve the lives of everyone in your family. Walking is free by the way!

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Sorry I don't have any idea to help you with stress & your hubby. but I can tell you how to potty train that puppy. Buy a kennel crate & keep the puppy in it at all times. as Soon as you take the puppy out of the kennel you tell it "lets go outside" stay out with it until it potties. then you can let it play in the house a little & tell it to get in its bed & put it back in kennel. That will maybe give your hubby an incentive to train the puppy correctly. If not the puppy will always use your house as a potty place. I had a friend share this info with me yrs ago & it works! the puppy will cry a few days & even potty in the kennel until it learns it has to stay there & will eventually learn thats its bed & will stop pottying in it. once its housebroken to go outside you can discard the kennel or still use it as its bed.
Good luck!
Have you tried talking to your hubby about helping with the chores & how tired & stressed you are?
Maybe make him a list of things that would greatly relieve you of so much mentally & physically?
Also. who watches the boys while he is sleeping? I have 5 yr old twins & we cant take our eyes off them they get into everything!

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My husband has not lost his job and he still acts like this. He thinks he does his part if he goes to work everyday, walks the dog and cuts the lawn on weekends. I work, shop, cook, clean, do laundry, pay the bills and stil manage to have family relationships outside of the marriage. I think it must be a male thing.

D.,
I have not read your other responses, but based on your comment...some women said to "deal with it..."I totally disagree. I may not have a popular opinion here, but recently my husband had lost his job and was out of work for 6 months. It is extremely difficult on the entire family. Hang in there...but here's what I would do if I were in your shoes...I would try not to stress about the house. I know that's easier said than done because I too can't stand for my house to be a mess. From now on, I would only wash yours and your kids clothes, wash only yours and your kids dishes, etc. See where this is going? When you cook, don't ask his opinion cook what you and the kids want and if he doesn't like it let him fend for himself. he will probably call you bad names and wonder why you are being so B***** or he may just get the hint. I don't think you need to "deal" with it. It was hard for me to "understand" that my husband was probably depressed for losing his job, etc. Honestly though my husband did a LOT while he was at home. He did take care of our new born most days. When he had interviews he took the baby to day care or asked his mom to come over. There were times that he was very lazy and wouldn't do anything but play on the computer, but for the most part he was wonderful. It is extremely stressful what you are going through. I think that you should talk to your Dr. and possibly try something to help with the stress, but medication will not fix his laziness. It may help you feel better and not so anxious, though. I really think that, when you are not mad, you need to take the kids to your parents or somewhere, have a nice dinner and have a heart to heart talk with your hubby. Try to use words that don't make him feel you are attacking him though. Men are so defensive. If the conversation starts to turn sour, then just stop and tell him that you will finish the conversation when you can both be calm and rational about it. I wish you the best of luck! My hubby did get the hint when he didn't have any clean clothes, etc. That's when he turned around. You are a great mom and wife and your husband needs to learn to not take you for granted!

I would definitely try yoga. I was working 18 - 20 hours a day and went to a yoga class and actually fell asleep on the floor at the end of the class (you lay down to do your cool down) because it was so relaxing. It is HARD work. You will feel it, but it is worth it. I so need to yoga!

Myheart goes out to you. It is hard working, raising children and keeping the house and when you have a husband that doesn't help at all, it just adds more fuel to the fire. I agree that maybe your husband is depressed since he lost his job. I know my son-in-law lost his job in November and he still has been unable to find a job but also just has no motivation and this was a guy who worked his you know what off. Also it could be your husband's upbringing. Not to knock his parents but parents back then the father ruled the house, the mother did it all and that was expected and some mothers did everything for their sons and never taught them how to help around the house. That is where you come in and put your foot down. You need to tell him enough is enough and tell him how you feel. Tell him starting immediately there will be a list of "to do" things he will be expected to do on a daily basis. This is only fair and I think if you sit him down and tell him this is killing you and making you angry he will wake up and realize he needs to get in there and help for the sake of his family and your marriage. He needs to get busy and get out of his slump. I think once he gets going he will be a happier person as well. You may tell him he doesn't help and you may say this isn't done but it could be going in one ear and out the other. Making a list and his following that list may just be what is needed because maybe he really doesn't know or doesn't know where to start. The sleeping during the day has to stop if your 4 year old is not taking a nap. If your child is up which it seems the case since your child told you that Daddy sleeps all day is a dangerous situation for your child. Please put your foot down now because the longer you put this off the worse it will get. Your husband was use to working and having a set thing to do during the day, right now he does not have that. I know my daughter had to do that with my son-in-law and it started off slow but now he will clean up, do some laundry and even has started learning to cook. And this is from a guy whose mother did everything for him. We are very proud of him. Does he need to do more? Yes - but slowly he is getting more and more done and my daughter is less stressed. Good Luck to you and hang in there.

D.,

I know, as so many of us do, how frustrating this can be. If you are like me, you don't say anything a few times because you tell yourself it is "no big deal" but then it builds up and you explode over something small. I find that it helps me to sit down when I have time to myself and write a letter to my husband. This allows me to vent without inflicting any emotional damage, then erase and start over or edit. Eventually I clarify to myself exactly what the issue is (usually a pattern of behaviour between us) and/or am able to state in a non-judgmental way what the issue is and what I need from him. My husband is very sensitive to criticism (as are many people) so I find that if I can take responsibility for my own reaction by using I statements about how I feel when certain things happen and not label him as lazy, uncaring etc, then he is more likely to hear me and give me what I ask for.

Best of luck,
S.

You need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband, or hire a housekeeper. He may just be lazy; he may be a little depressed; he may not know even where to start (if he never had to before, he won't know how). If he has no idea what to do, start small and give him a few chores and show him how. You could get him to follow Flylady's schedule, flylady.com. That would give him direction. I would insist that he either spend all of his time trying to find a job, or do the job of housekeeping. His choice. Don't nag. But, you do need to talk to him about this. The puppy can go outside and not be allowed in unless someone trains him first.

I try and get to Yoga at least once week. I have noticed a huge difference from when I go and when I don't. Any exercise is good though. Go for a walk to get out of the house and if possible, take your husband with you. Exercise is a good way to fight depression and it deffinately sounds like your husband is dealing with a bit of that. I would also suggest reading the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Marriage" by Dr. Laura Shlessinger (sp). I know many women are offended by this book. I know when I first read it I was a little put off but when you actually think about what she is saying it makes sense and it works. Walking a mile in someone elses shoes helps a lot too. You husband should help you and he should stay awake while you are out. And get rid of the puppy.

D.,
It sounds as if your husband is suffering from depression. It is a very real problem and affects many people these days. You didn't say if he was like this when he was working of if this became a problem after he lost his job.
Some men have very complicated issues dealing with being out of work and no longer being the breadwinner etc. I do know that sleeping alot is a big sign of depression!! This is more than just the blues. So, there are all kinds of things that he may be dealing with and that he won't talk with you about. It might be worth it to nag him to go to see a doctor and to go with him.
Then there is your stress level. Yes, yoga is good for stress, and so is any type of exercise. Find you a couple of those little squeezy toys. Put the puppy in a crate when you are not there. Tell them they can feed the puppy only if they are going to take the puppy outside afterward to relieve himself. It is not fair to you and it is not fair to the puppy not to train him. Remind the kids that they don't go to the bathroom in their house and puppies shouldn't either.
If your hubby was always like this, and you didn't seem to mind because you weren't working then -then you need to just talk openly and honestly with him. Honest communication works in a marriage & communication means listening as well as talking. Good luck -gjkbear

Yoga is great--but I found that taking Yoga at the local Y versus and an actual Yoga studio is very different. The instructors are great--it's the atmosphere. I have found that I relax a lot easier in an actual studio.

My husband has good and bads days as far as helping with the house--we do have a cleaning lady that comes every other week, so that helps reduce my stress alot. If I want something specific done--I tell my husband, this needs to be done today and as long as I tell him what I expect--he at least puts forth a little effort. He refuses to pay someone to mow the yard and it really ticks him off if I do it, I think he's more embarrassed that the neighbors will see me than anything--so when I think the yard needs to me mowed I just ask--"Is the yard guy coming today?" He gets the hint and I don't have to sound so naggy. I think it must be a man thing, b/c it seems the general conception is that the men can not look around the house and see what needs to be done--so I try make a joke--"can the laundry fairy come today??" etc. It works. Everything may not always be done to my expectations, but it's a compromise--we pick and choose our battles.

Hi, sorry, I didn't read all of the responses so far, I just wanted to ask, is your husband a laid back, mellow sort of fellow? I have a friend whose husband is like that, and what she discovered is that he would not lift a finger around the house unless she told him exactly what to do precisely when she wanted it done. For example, if she was making dinner and he was sitting on the couch watching TV, she would say, 'honey, I need you to take out the trash' and he would quite happily get up and take out the trash. She could then say 'now, set the table' and he would do it. But if she said to him, "please take out the trash and then set the table,' he would do the trash but then forget about the table. If she tried to give him a list of things to do when she was out nothing would get done. He needed specific instructions, one at a time. But, he was very happy to comply when she addressed him this way. It was frustrating to her that he couldn't see the things that needed to be done and just do them, but she tried to look at the bright side--at least he would do it if she asked him! Best of luck to you, I hope you are able to figure him out! :-)

Okay, you are all probably going to disagree with my advice, but I would just leave. He's a lazy SOB (I'm sure he has some redeeming qualities) and he's taking advantage of you. He knows it too. It's not a good example for the children of how a relationship between a man and woman should be.

I would leave, take the kids, and be gone for at least 8 weeks. NO LESS. During that time I would arrange it so he had visitation rights with the kids every weekend, but SOMEONE else has to do the dropping off and picking up. Is there a close friend or family member who could do this? The key is, to have NO contact, by phone, text or in person for at least 8 weeks.

There's a biological reason for the 8 weeks. When people have a physical relationship hormones meant to foster love and attachment are the result of skin on skin contact. It takes 8 weeks for those hormones to be completely gone. Once they're gone if there's feelings left, that's what you can build on.

When I leave I would tell him why; he's lazy, you're not only earning the income but he's not doing his share around the house and with the kids, not even toilet training the puppy HE wanted. That you are not a doormat, you're his wife, and he's not treating you with respect. And it's not good enough, and you don't believe he will be bothered to improve so you're leaving.

After 8 weeks he'll come crawling back with some very real and very serious changes he's prepared to make. He will realize how much he loves and needs you.

It's a kinda tough love approach. It's not for everyone.

Good luck.

You are right, D.....you are taking care of another little boy. By continuing to do so, you are enabling him to keep doing what he is doing. Could he be depressed? It seems like he is sleeping alot, which can be a sign of depression...If he is, help him to seek treatment and maybe he will start being more active and involved with household duties. If he's not, he needs a good shot of reality. We all have to embrace our responsibilities in our lives, especially when our children and family is concerned. I would tell him how you you feel and set some expectations about your household. If he doesn't shape up, it will ruin your marriage eventually. Good Luck.

If in the similar position, I would sit down with him, eye to eye with an estimate for a house cleaner, and whatever else you need that he isn't doing, and give him the ultimadum. Either he gets active, or he's going to pay someone else to do his half. Good luck.

I don't think you need stress relief, I think you need a partner that will pull his weight. All the stress relief in the world won't help if you don't have one free minute.

Sorry you are going through this! Have you considered getting a house keeper? Someone to come in once a week or every other week? If the cost is an issue, what if you use your husband's tuition money since he is obviously over his head busy...sorry, if he does nothing he must be occupied with something important to him and leaving school would give him time to take interactive care of the children. I know sarcasm is not pretty but could not resist! Also, what is he teaching your children with his example? Sorry, but children do what they are taught - in this case, what they see. Just my opinion, but this 'husband' needs to grow up and do his share in his relationship with you and his role in the family. Sounds like he is not contributing anything of value...sorry.

As for the puppy, give it away. I had a friend with the exact problem: husband was laid off and home, puppy 'went' every where in the house while she was on bed rest in the hospital with their second child. After the baby was born, she came home and gave the puppy back to the breeder. The puppy issue will not resolve itself though it will make the kids sad it is a mess you cannot let happen. I hope you get some relief, soon!

I am one of those that responded with the same problems at home. My DH will help when it's convenient for him (a.k.a. he has absolutely nothing else to do - or wants something f/ me). How do I deal? I joined Massage Envy, 1st of all. It's wonderful. Yoga is good, too. There's a program on TV that I DVR, Namaste.

At home, though, I do my own laundry and leave his to do himself. That may sound petty but it makes an impression eventually and he'll actually help me collect and do it on the weekends now... usually. As far as cleaning - dishes, bathrooms, etc. - I've just had to not stress out so much about the state of the house. I consistently ask him to help me. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. If he doesn't and I don't get everything done, that's just life. But I definitely understand your frustration. I work full time, plus some, but only have my step-daughter every other weekend so my load is not like yours.

My only advice is to start putting yourself (and kids, of course) 1st and really talk to your husband about your need for some help. I imagine he is feeling a bit down. My husband went through a real depression b/c I've always been the bread winner. It's an ego killer for them to not be the provider and it puts them in a real state of helplessness, I think. And we all know that when men don't feel good about themselves, it shows in all aspects of their life.

I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time and at the same time glad to know I'm not the only one w/ a lazy butt husband. Best wishes!

Something has to give...or change. YOu don't want to reach your breaking point at the wrong place & wrong time, say, at work, esp if you are the only breadwinner right now. Personally, I wouldn't let the load of responsibilities grow anymore than it already has. I would change things, noT just seek stress relief.

History proves children have survived without having pets. Give the puppy away AND FAST! This one is a no brainer. Get another one when you have more control of your household.

Can your husband be reasoned with? If so, then have a nice chat w/him and let him know how things are supposed to be done. Raising/nurturing children and helping them develop does not come naturally to men. If not, find alternative childcare. Might be a good idea so your husband can have time to look for another job and/or study. Or he just might need help organizing himself and managing his time - 2 things that don't come naturally to alot of people.

So go do some yoga, listen to some Yanni, and clear your head so can make some good decisions for the benefit of your children, your marriage and your household. Good luck!

It sounds as if your dear husband may be clinically depressed. Please try and get him help.

Also, since at this point in time there seems to be no way for you to get some time to yourself, take a nice, relaxing bath when the kid are in bed or take your kids to our parents for the weekend and spend some time with your girlfriends!

Best of Luck to you!

your husband sounds depressed. take him to the doctor and get him some help, and then tackle the your at home so get off your butt and help out issue.

The boys are Your reason for getting up in the morning, but Dad can't even stay awake long enough to watch 1 of them while you work?
It may be worth it to have a come to Jesus meeting with your husband as suggested, but if he's anything like my husband it won't do you a lick of good.
Although my husband is still working (but much less than before) the solution I had to come to about 18 mos ago was to give the sitter an extra dollar an hour to also clean. She only comes about 8x a month but it helps tremendously during the days when I am working, and I only feel some of the resentment I had before.
How do I deal with that resentment and anger? I don't do it very well, so yoga is probably a better solution.

put your kids to bed and go to a late feature at the movies you get to sit for at least 2 hrs and no one bothers you. I do it on monday and wednesday nights and I love it, I am able to keep my sanity. Or send him and the boys on a fishing weekend.

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