Stressed - Happy Valley,OR

Oh yes, this is totally usual! I've got a 2 1/2 y.o. and still have days that I struggle with some of the same feelings. There has been more than one occasion when I've had to start a conversation with "Honey, I know that you work very hard and try to do as much as you can AND I really need your help with XYZ". It's helped a lot to acknowledge what he does do at the beginning of the conversation.

For what it's worth, most men will never truly empathize or understand what it's like for us to be working 24/7. And without being sexist, I think that's probably a good thing.
Many women who have youngsters and work outside the home tell me that it's "much easier" at work than being home all day with their kiddos. Even a mother whose circumstances directed that she return to her work (she loved being home) stated that she forgot how "constant" the work of parenting is. We don't usually get to turn it off.

Don't be afraid to ask your husband for some chunks of time on the weekend or in the evenings. If he balks, explain that for you, there is no "leaving the office" and that you have to leave it. Then find a great place to go and do what you need to do. I always used to tell my husband that unless someone was missing a limb, not to call me on my time away from the house. Once you negotiate some time away, do just that: go away; get out of the house and do something that fills you up. Many of the suggestions from other posters were great: sleep at a friends or get a hotel, or find something else that will help boost your spirits.

It's okay,too, to not think of this time as wonderful. I never quite understood the people who glossed over this time and thought it was easy and marvelous. It's okay to say "this sucks" and grieve a little for the live you had before you were home all day, stressed and tired. If it feels like the depression is constant, do get a referral for a therapist with experience in working with mothers and PPD. They will be able to help you navigate options and give insight into choosing which sorts of strategies will work best for you in regard to feeling better about things.And they can help, too, with finding positive ways to approach your husband and bring him in more as a partner in the parenting.

My best wishes and hang in there!

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get on some meds ASAP......i didnt after my 4th & i was a nut case and i knew it.....my Dr never really talked to me about meds and i didnt find this mamasource network til my dghtr was almost 2 so i didn thave an outlet & i hated myself & my life.....i regret not being on something to help me and everyone around me.

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Totally totally normal. It will all get better soon :) My biggest advice it to sleep as much as possible ( I know you've probably heard that a bazillion times)but it makes all the difference. and stay away from unhealthy food. :)

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of course it is, sweetheart--- . So - your husband works a 40 hour week - comes home and relaxes -- you on the other hand work a 140 hour a week and watch him relax while you try to comfort one child- feed another - sooth the first one to sleep - answer a question for the other - clean up the kitchen - catch up with laundry - . Oh yes- many of us have been there and it drives you nutso. First- have a heart to heart talk with your husband and say'''this does not work.''' -- in whatever way works for you- lay your cards on the table and say '' you can either help me now because you want a happy home or you can pick up the pieces later when I fall apart'''

You deserve the help -- 40 hours a week and 140 hours a week ( you are almost never ''off duty'' are you?? -- middle of the night??-- -it's you ---- early in the am ?? -- it's you ---late at night? -- it's you --- it's always you-- that is MORE than 140 hours a week- and it's too much -

Blessings-
J. aka--Old Mom

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Yes, especially if your not getting much help. And the only way through is through. It will make you stronger.

Things you can do:

Try getting naps on the weekends when he is home if you can. If you are not nursing, have him take the evening feedings.

If you are nursing, see if he would mind having you bring the baby in bed for the late night feedings.

For my second child I had to put her in a front and later a back pack at times (cooking) to keep her safe and satisfied.

Have dad spend special time with the oldest child every day and weekend.

Rest before cleaning. Feed everybody before cleaning. You will eventually have time for cleaning.

And as some have said, talk to your doctor if this fear/ sadness has gone on over two weeks.

And do remember, that many people have been in your shoes, and survived. So can you. That doesn't mean it is easy.

Best of wishes.

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Talk to your hubby about it and let hime know that you need some help. If he is not willing to help with his kids, do you have a friend or neighbor who could take the kids for a bit so you can get some much needed rest?

Do talk to your doctor because this may be depression that is caused by something other than lack of sleep.

Even if all you have out there is a babysitter you can hire, hire them and get some rest. Don't sweat the small stuff, like gettting all the housework done, etc.

God bless you and please ask someone close to you for help.

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You need to get some rest but you NEED to tell your husband specifically what you need. If you don't he'll assume you are fine and handling everything. Men don't tend to be as perceptive as women with noticing when you are exhausted and need a break so you have to tell them. I'm sure he'd be willing to help out because "If Momma ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy". :)

Rest is the best thing to help you from feeling stressed. Other things are some adult conversation- try to get to a play group with other moms or if you go to church see if they have a play group. Another thing that I do is to ask my husband to make dinner - I don't have high expectations, it is usually hamburger helper, sandwiches, or an easy pasta, but that is one thing that I really stress about so if I know I don't have to do it when I'm really tired I don't worry about it.

Good Luck and take care of yourself. It is easy to stress and feel overwhelmed especially after you have your 2nd, so just take it one day at a time and try not to sweat the small stuff. If the laundry doesn't get done today...does it really matter?

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You may be in the normal range for a mom with a new baby - sort of hard to tell. You may be seeing the effects of post-partem depression, which would make everything else harder for you. Either way, i think it would be good to talk to your doctor to see what s/he thinks. Help is available no matter what you are going through, and its worth seeking it out - for you, your husband, and your kids. Don't put this off - its something that should be dealt with earlier rather than later.

Please reach out to your husband and your friends at this time, too - that can help. If you feel like you don't have those resources, maybe you can find a PEPS group or a LLL meeting to attend for some support?

Good luck, and feel better!

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If it's been more than two weeks you should talk to your doctor. That's beyond the "baby blues." I had terrible anxiety with my first child, and it was with me for a month before I did something about it. Now I wish I could get that month back. Please call your doctor. I wish you the best. For me, going back on anti-anxiety meds was key.

Best,
AMD

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So, So normal! I finally, after 6 years, told my hubby I taking a part time job a couple nights a week. It is what saved my sanity. It gave me adult time, and forced my hubby to step up to help more with the kids. And in those couple of nights he gets a taste of my everyday, and has come to appreciate what I do so much more.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi F.,
Feeling this stressed IS normal, but it is also something you should mention to your doctor. Postpartum depression is a part of the experience for more than half of moms, even if they didn't experience it with previous pregnancies, but if it is getting overwhelming, talk to your OB/gyn to make sure that you and the baby are still doing alright and to get suggestions on things that can make it better.

You aren't alone with this and it can be better. Call your doctor today. It is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.
Beth

oh yeees! welcome 2 the real world, that is very very normal! most of all if u don't ask 4 help, as mommies we tend 2 b the super mommies, but it is not good, so rely on someone for few things, don't feel bad 2 ask for help 2 friends and family, maybe ask friends 2 watch your older one for few hours in the morning so you can get some sleep while the baby naps

This may be a repeat since I didn't have time to read all of the responses but I wanted to make sure you about Postpartum Support International. They have a 24 hour hotline you can call for support - I think it would be a great place for you to start. The number is 800.944.4PPD (4773). Their website is http://postpartum.net/ and they have lots of helpful resources. Lack of sleep could be all that is wrong but having someone who is trained and available whenever you need to talk can be very helpful. Best of luck to you - I know this stage passes but it doesn't make it any easier while it is going on.

I agree with what I've read; it's all totally normal but something I think you should a)talk to your dr. about immediately and b)talk to your husband about... show him these responses. You need some sleep to function for your kids. We have our first child (he'll be 6 months on the 27th) and a few times I've been so exhausted, I've had to have my husband watch him when he came home from work so I could nap right then. Even just an hour nap and I'd feel so much better. Also, there are lots of mom's groups; I go to one through Providence/St. Vincent's which is free for me since I delivered there, but I believe most hospitals offer them or you can go to their's for a small fee. I didn't go until about 10-12 weeks out and I wish I had sooner. Being in the company of other new/recent moms is so amazing at what it can do for the soul. Also, do you have a play group? Something to get out of the house and be around others will be good for you. Hang in there,take care of yourself as much as you can, know you are normal, use this site and anything else you need to. Best of luck to you! You'll figure it out; your a Mom! We always do!

This is sooo normal.
I started taking naps with both my kids.. together at the same time to get some rest during the day so I would have enough energy just to get things done around the house in the evening when they went to bed. and because i love to snuggle them.

My Husband was the one whooo soo wanted to have a family and he does not step in and help nearly as much as I had antipated or would like. It's baffling.
I have spent far too many hours and minutes wasted on being upset over it - it actually made me more tired.
so with this in mind I finally accepted he would not be helping and I made my own schedule, my own routines and such. and when he can pitch in that's fine.. but at least I know what i'll be doing how and when and I let go of the the expectation that any moment he will step in and give me a break.

I hope this is helpful - i'm not trying to be negative,. however.. if you take care of yourself and your little ones and let him help himself a little bit..for now.
& sometimes this means when he complains about this or that with the kids and the schedule or the house & or his needs- just let it go and laugh a little. He does not even realize he is not helping.

let go of some of your mommy expectations.. do a little bit less for now and then build your schedule/things to do back up one at a time as you feel ready.

take care and please give an update soon so we know if you are feeling better. :)
-marg.

Hi Mom

That is it the stress of a new baby. Do you have a friend who would watch your other children while you and the new baby nap one or two afternoons a week. It is sleep deprivation and maybe even a little nutrition.
Post partum depression is common and so is the feeling of being somewhat nuts because of all the demands.
By the time the baby is five months old things do calm down some and you can relax more.
You are alright just get fresh air when you can. Visit your mother on the phone or in person or go see a few friends.
My solution was to go to see my sister every Thursday even though the drive was long. Passing the trees and open fields helped me to feel more like I was still in the world. And when I drove near open bodies of water it felt great.
Good luck and do not be afraid to ask others to help you out.

Absolutley. You are normal, especially if you don't have family around to let you rest or give you a little me time during the week. Don't worry about if you are normal! Worry about how you can make sure you get some rest. The hubby needs a kick in the rear. Mine finally realized that I needed as close to a full night's sleep as possible to stay "happy and nice" all day long, so he took over all night feedings. I barely woke up when I did my pumping, and was able to love my daughter that much more for being rested.

I agree with Amy. Post partum depression is common and does not usually go away on it's own. Call your doctor. Also read about it on the Internet. Perhaps that will help you recognize that you are "normal." Not the normal self you were before this new baby but normal for being a new mother with 2 kids and a husband who doesn't help much.

If there is the possibility that your husband will hear you talk directly with him about how you feel and how he can help. Some men have to be "hit up side the head" because they don't see the situation for what it is. You need help and he needs to help you.

He also needs to know the reality of taking care of a new baby and another child. Perhaps he could take care of the kids for a few hours while you leave the house and spend time with a friend or relative. Having some outside support will help.

Having someone listen and truly hear you will be a big help. Perhaps you could get into a group for new mothers. The hospital in which you gave birth no doubt has one.

The most important thing for you to do is to talk with your doctor. If he isn't able to help you find another one who will listen. Do this before you "lose it." Prevention is much better than a cure. :)

Those of us who've been there have felt in similar ways as you are feeling. Know that you are not alone. You have our empathy and wishes for a better time.

Here is a hug, too.

If you don't get a minimum of 4 hours of sleep at a stretch each night, then you are at a high risk of going into postpartum depression. Getting enough sleep is the #1 factor in preventing it. Getting proper nutrition is the second most important, but I'd focus on sleep! Even daytime naps help immensely. And of course, try to sleep when the baby sleeps no matter what. Cosleeping with baby will also help you get more sleep, if you are not already doing so.

Not every partner will go for this, but my hubby was so not involved until I got him into couples counseling and then it turned him around 180 degrees. He is a very involved and helpful father now. Not saying this will work for everyone, but just one possible suggestion.

I too found parenting two to be much more stressful than I ever imagined. I felt like I was constantly juggling 5 balls and couldn't cope. Here are a couple of things that I did to help me through.
1) Hired somebody to come clean the house every other week. It helped me get over the need to clean up everything.....figuring that the cleaners would be coming to clean the toilet bowl in a few days, so I didn't need to and I could sleep. Basically it took the pressure off.
2) Joined the YMCA when my youngest was 3 months. The kids go into childcare, I get to work out and then take a shower uninterupted. The excercise helped with my depression and simply taking a relaxed shower helped too.
3) Added structure to my day through play dates, library times, classes etc. While it was hard to get out and about, I found that it helped lift my overall mood.

LIke many other posts, I also encourage you to get screened for post-partum depression.

I hope that the stress and depression lifts soon.

I think this is very normal experience. Lack of sleep heightens everything stressful and of course you feel irritable, cranky, awful. Maybe if you show some of the responses you have receive on this site to your husband he might "get it" that you need more sleep in order to be healthy and take care of everyone. If he can help in any way, by getting up at night with baby or letting you sleep in...also if he can give you time to get out for walk on your own at some point during the day. That will really help. My husband traveled a lot and since I was on my own, I gained a lot of weight due to the stress/lack of sleep. (but I am also a worrier - so often I kept myself up at night worrying about dumb stuff!) One thing to think about is, this will pass, and there will come that glorious night when both kids sleep through the night and you do to. Staying home is also difficult especially when you are tired and the day can drag on. Get out of the house if you can. Baby loves outings and if you feel less stressed when you are out and about, babies will sense that too. I hate to say this because I know medication helps a lot of people, but please use that as your last resort. It's okay what you are feeling! And as all Mom's with older children will say, this baby time passes so quickly - you won't believe it - seems you wake up one morning and your "baby" is now six and off to first grade!
good luck and take care!!

you are so normal..please try to get mom, dad or anyone to give you a small break...it will refresh you and you will be ready to tackle all the needs of your children. Give yourself small breaks, when baby is asleep preplan your meals, take a long shower, watch the morning tv with baby asleep by your side..give yourself permission to feel overwhelmed but pick up your chin and go forward..loook for those small distractions in your day...the rain clouds the steam from a boiling pan of water, the gentle breathing of the baby who needs you and loves you....you are the best mom....cd

When it gets too much, I have my husband watch the little one at night during the week, even though he has to work the next day. Most people do fine missing one night of sleep a week. Also, on weekends he takes both kids to his Mom with an overnight stay, so I get to sleep in & have a day to myself. If you are really exhausted, try going to bed at 8 pm (as soon as your older child is asleep) & have your husband watch the baby until midnight, then take over from midnight to 6 am & have him watch the baby again from 6 am to 8 am. This way, both of you will get about 6 hours of sleep per night. Of course, try to nap during the day if you can get both of the kids to nap at the same time (I still have a hard time doing this). Just because you are "staying at home" doesn't mean your husband can pile it all on you. You are actually doing the hardest job in the world (I know from my own experience). Getting rest is ESSENTIAL for you, otherwise the kids will suffer. That is the reason I stil work part-time. I actually get more rest on the days that I work. My older one goes to a home daycare 3 days a week even when I am not working to give me a break. Depending on where you live you could probably find someone for around $45/day. Also to save time on cooking we get a lot of prepared meals from PCC (they have a variety of healthy soups & salads). We also live on Chipotle burritos. Good luck figuring it all out. It is certainly a juggling act! But it does get easier with time.

Yes, it is normal. Now is the perfect time to plan a get- away to a friends house overnight. Tell your husband that on such and such date, you would like to get a full nights sleep and hope that he is up to the challenge. You will come home a different person. Then if that worked for you, plan a weekend away with a girlfriend (or by yourself), take a book, hike, nap or whatever. You will be glad you did not only for you, but knowing that your hubby is capable of taking care of the kids just fine. Don't expect the house to be clean, but the kids will be clothed and fed at least. And YOU will feel better. Good luck!

Consider seeing a doctor for postpartum depression, nothing to be ashamed of. Happens to more people than even realize it. Now if you do, see if you can have your beloved come with you so he get better insight on how hard it is and how much you NEED help versus wanting help! I think sometimes they just don´t get the emotional taxation child rearing can bring.

good luck,
H

Hi F., What you are going through is very normal. Sleep deprivation (sp?)Can cause depression and stress. Somehow you need to find time to sleep. Ask a family member, a friend or neighbor to help watch your kiddos while you rest. Make sure to get ear plugs and an eye mask, so you can really relax. Don't feel bad for asking for help - all mom's have been there and you'll be a better mommy to your precious little ones if you take care of yourself! :) Let the house work wait...and have your husband pick up dinner.You'll soon feel better and be able to really enjoy your kids more. Good luck! :)

I can relate. My new baby is now two years old, but yes, I know where you are at and it is normal. I felt out of touch with my old self, tired from doing it all by myself, lonely, guilty for not having time for my oldest, and stressed. All I can say is that it does get better. Have you tried nursing while co-sleeping? I don't know how I would have survived without doing that. A lot of men seem to feel so helpless at this stage of a babies life. They feel left out so they kind of withdraw even more I think. This too will probably change as the baby gets older and can interact more with daddy.
I keep in touch with a lot of old friends on facebook so I still feel like I have a little touch with the outside world, and I have tried to pick up a lot of new mom friends so that I can kevetch with them about how hard it is to parent. Keep your head up. You will be looking back fondly on this later and not remember all of the hard stuff. I send a big hug in your direction F..
Yes, and I agree with the other women's advice that you should talk to your doctor about how you are feeling, as well as your husband.

sweetheart, you need help, both from your husband and from friends. It is completely normal to feel a bit stressed, but it is really importand you reach out and say something. Even if it's just once a week to have a playdate with a friend, some mommy only time, or just 5 minutes to yourself in the bathroom, you need to tell someone. I have a depression problem myself and had a really hard time after our son was born. I didn't reach out until I was really in dire straits. We are all here to help and all you have to do is reach out. I am sure your hubby would rather know how you are feeling now than after some tragic incident in your family, like you snapping. Please ask for help- family, friends, spouse, me, anyone.

L.

Seattle

Absolutely totally normal, F.. I just had twins and I have a two-and-a-half-year-old and feel at times totally the same. Is there any way you can get some help? Even a housecleaner that comes twice a month or someone to baby sit for an hour or two once a week so you can grab a coffee or shower or even grocery shop? I think you need to talk to him, and if he doesn't listen, then talk to your doctor... Good luck and know that once your baby starts sleeping more things will get easier. My guys are going 5 hours at night now and it's made a world of difference.

I totally feel for you. I was there at one point too. It is important to get some adult conversation each day - even if it means calling random places (i.e. the reference desk at the library! - I did it!). Tell yourself that you CAN get through this. And, like other posters - find someway to take a break, i.e. a baysitter, a pt job, a community education class, a yoga class, something... Surround yourself by other moms, people who can give you support. Hang in there!

totally normal, that's how I felt for a while too. My baby is now 7 months and I am starting to feel better and my husband is starting to help a little more. What helps me is to meet up with other moms in the day and to go on walks.

F. you are not alone! I have a 22 month old and a 16 week old and I go back to work in 2 weeks...so even if I was staying at home I can relate to you ( and wish I could stay at home)..I don't know how I am going to add 40 hours of work on top of my already crazy schedule now.
I recently adoped a new mantra " I am doing this for my kids". My husband does not help as much as I want and for that matter I don't think hardly any one has a husband that does exactly as much or what we want help with the kids. I recently went on a 2 week vacation and his parents were with us, I got very little help, one hour a day away from both kids only if they were both sleeping. When I had a massage scheduled at their nap time, BOTH his parents came to his rescue. So if I realize I am doing what I do and it makes his life easier I would go crazy. I have to do this for my kids best interest...so that helps me with the husband not helping issue.
Secondly, you have to get sleep! Can you arrange a playdate for the 2 older ones and then take a nap when the baby naps at least once a week. We are going on 2 nights of neither kid sleeping much so I am barely surviving. YOu are not going nuts just need sleep. Sleep deprivation can be pure torture to a mom so rely on your mom friends for some support, men just don't and wont' ever get it ( although I know there are some that do more than others!)
Hang in there, it's just for a short while. on the way to drop my older one off at school today Trace Atkins song, You're gonna miss this, came on...of course it was a great reminder for me, I love them being little and I am gonna miss this, just not the sleepless nights! Enjoy the little ones they grow up too fast!

If you have family or friends near by, ask for some help. I bet they'd love to watch the kids for a little while. Even a neighbor lady - any woman who has had kids knows what you are going through and would be happy to help.

Have you heard of MOPS (mothers of preschoolers)? There are other moms there that understand exactly what you need and grandmas who would be happy to help in any way.

There are two MOPS near you. Here is the link with the info: http://www1.mops.org/web/web_group_search.php

Give them a try!!!

Also, really good vitamins helped me a lot.

But really, asking for help - from family and husband - is what really helped me.

Good luck - I'll be praying for you and your family.

Blessings,
K.

Normal? Yes and no.

- Sleep dep makes everyone certifiably crazy. A stands up in court kind of temporary insanity. People, all people, start hallucinating amongst many other less distracting, but more annoying side effects, like impaired judgement, impaired reaction time, paranoia, mood swings, & inability to remember things.

- Being a new SAHM is enough to drive most of us completely, climbing the walls, cross eyed nuts...until we figure out a schedule that works for us. You know, one that includes sleep + a chance to talk in complete sentences at least once a day...aka...talking to grownups, and preferably grownups we *like* + some kind of mental stimulation + reasons to leave the house that do not involve the words "grocery" or "pediatrician" + time alone + respect (at LEAST from ourselves, for ourselves...but outside sources of respect are nice too!) + some kind of motivation that gets us dressed and showered in the morning. Or at least by dinner.

So the above is what ALL new SAHM's have to deal with. But guess what? It gets even better. Toss post partum depression into the mix and things just got even harder. Oy. I didn't even have PPD...but my husband was essentially gone for the first 3 years...so being a SAHM on my own...Double Oy. I did everything wrong, every single way I COULD do it wrong I think. And then just for fun, once I had something figured out, it would change and I'd have to figure it out again. Wheeeee. I can't even imagine the mess I would have been in if I'd had PPD on top of holding onto my sanity with both hands.

While I'd personally see a doc ((read licenced psychologist who makes me feel better just by sharing air. Someone who clicks with me, and who provides a rock for me to lean on, coupled with great advice, and medication management...if we determined to use meds for a period of time)), I'd also look around and see what I could "fix" to help ease things a bit.

But I like multipronged attacks. if I'm not happy, there's usually more than one reason why. I prefer to address ALL of those reasons to the best of my ability. Not always easy, but a durn sight better than the way things were before.