Stranger Anxiety with Grandma

Hello Michelle,

I am a mother of 4 and I have dealt with a few situations just like this with my own children.

My oldest daughter, who is now 7, did not like men. It was really odd. No matter what man held her, she wasn't happy. And, obviously, as a 2 month old she couldn't tell the difference between a man and woman. I spoke with her peditrician and he said it could easily be the smell of most men. The smell of cologne, etc. Childrens senses are very strong and you might be suprised what they pick up.

My youngest son now was not happy with anyone but his dad, myself and one of his aunts. Not even my mother could make him happy and I know how stressful that can be. It even made me feel sad for the other people wanting to love on him and he just didn't want anything to do with them. We really just had to wait it out. My mom continued trying but we would never force him to her. We would have her spend smaller amounts of time with him to start. And, we would do that while we were around.. If she is one of their #1 babysitters then they might look at her and know that when they go to her, you are leaving. My son is 13 months now and still don't open up to just everyone. He is starting to get a little closer to grandparents and other close relatives. I think all you can do is be patient.

I have two children who simply prefer mom and dad and two others who are social butterflies. Just don't pressure them to go to people to whom they might not want to. (as much as you can)

Good Luck

1 mom found this helpful

i know how you feel. my 2 year old son is exactly the same. he wwould always go to my mom ( see is the same body as me also) but they would not go to no one else and everytime i visited my husbands family i felt bad . he would not let no one hold him and would scream really bad until he came back to me. i have some good news if your girls are like him then they will grow out of it. my son is two now and he still will not go to alot of people but is a llloott better. he don't flip out if people try to hold hime but he still is a mammas boy.

I don't think its stranger anxiety. Maybe something about her scares them, that they don't like. My oldest was always weary about certain people, but never reacted like that. Be patient. Would you suspect that someone that might look like your mother in law could have hurt them in some way? Your mother in law could be the greatest person while your around..when your not maybe something else is going on? I'm not accusing anything, but I'd be on a watch no matter what and who you trust. Its usually those who seem the greatest who can become the nightmare. When my two older girls were just 2 and 3 I had their step grandmother watch them. My oldest told me that her uncle (who has some mental instabilities) had touched her below and made her feel uncomfortable. I brought that up to the grandparents and they flipped out, only justifying that their son would never touch my children like that. I found out later, when she was 6 that he had touched her and no one was paying attention. I don't mean to scare you or make you feel bad in anyway honestly. Also, my sisters youngest son used to love taking baths, until one day she went to put him in the bath and all he did was scream and curled up so the water wouldn't touch him. All I could've thought at the time was that someone had to have scared him some how, maybe burnt him in HOT water or even accidently put his head underwater. Ever since than he hates baths and showers, but more control with showers. Maybe the girls feel that their grandma is stealing your time with them. I don't know if you ever heard, but children can see the real person inside you/or anyone else. Or if someone is tense or having a bad day, that's when they fear or cry...or even curl up. My youngest now does that with her great grandmother. She sees her more than anyone else, yet she won't go near her unless her dad or I have a hold of her. She is fine with her grandparents whom she hardly ever sees and plays with them..so I know there it has to do with the fact that the great grandmother is under a lot of stress and going through a lot of emotions and my daughter senses it. When my oldest daughter was 6months old she would know that her father and I were upset with each other and she would end up sicker than sick and vomit every where. When he finally left, she would be okay again, because I would be calmed down. I know how uncomfortable it can be. Yes they will grow out of it, it will take time. My youngest now is still a little shy, but she is getting a little more comfortable with her great grandmother and other family members. Good Luck!

I have twin boys who are almost 10 months old. They also have done this. It was only until a couple weeks ago that they will let other people hold them. I think all babies go through this at least all of mine have. Just think of it as one of the many fazes they go through. Congrats on your twin girls! I hope you enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed my twin boys.

I have to disagree w/ some of the posts here. Yes, they do have to "get over it" or get used to someone besides you, but I think they're quite young to be manipulating anyone at this point.

Put yourself in their place. They've only been on the planet for four months and still getting used to and discovering the world around them. There is something that makes them uncomfortable and upset about certain people and that needs to be respected right now. They're forming an important attachment w/ you. I personally would not leave them w/ someone that makes them hysterical until they are comfortable w/ that person. I would try what someone else said and have your mil use your laundry detergent or wear a shirt of yours and keep trying sitting on the couch close together until they are comfortable w/ that and then try moving away, then off the couch, across the room, etc. Yes, it may take weeks, but trust me - from personal experience in handling this the wrong way w/ my own twins, you don't want to push them into anything they are not ready for. Just my two cents!

I am glad that you asked this question because my daughter, who is now 13 months, is doing this as well BUT it is only with men. She is afriad of her grandfathers and sometimes she even crys when her dad reachs to pick her up. I talked to her doctor about this and he said that it will pass. She is getting better but really we have to just force it. We make her go to them and I will leave. After a few minutes she stops. But I understand how you feel because it is very frustrating. I wish you the best.

Children are great manipulators and learn to do it at a very age. Your children have you where they want you.

Husband's mother has a different body chemistry and does not smell like you, your mother has a similiar chemistry and does smell similiar.

Have your mother-in-law wash her clothes in the same detergent, wash with the same soap, and use a little of your cologne see if that helps. They can see her, and they do recognize people, but the scent is comforting to them.

My children didn't want anyone without glasses to hold them or men without a mustashe to hold them. They just had to get over it.

P. R

HI M.,

Sometimes it is personalities, IMO.
For instance, my dd does great with my MIL, my son, well he's a whole different story. She comes near him and he grips my shirt and cries - he's 9 1/2 months now but has always really preferred mommy, including with daddy.

My dd has been far more relaxed with with my MIl and hubby.

What I try, is I hug the person - say your MIL, and say, this is grandma, have her touch you so they see that you and her are affectionate and "safe" then sit next to her as she holds the baby and have her promptly release them when they want to come to you.
When my dd went through the phase, my MIL wanted to hold and comfort her if she fell or hurt herself and woulc FORCE her to be with her and it made things much worse for my dd, she felt forced and frustrated.

I am a grandmother so maybe I can offer some perspective from a different angle. I think we grandmother's have such a desire for our grandchildren to adore us that we become nervous at the least display that perhaps they don't. Babies are very sensitive to human feelings, sometimes they don't even nurse well if their mother's are upset, and the twins may sense your mother-in-law's apprehension even though she is usually calm. The best thing really is for her to ignore their crying and proceed with meeting their needs, and for the talk and evaluation about their crying for their mother and not wanting anyone other than mom or their maternal grandmother to cease. These observations are probably not totally realistic and only feed poor grandma's insecurity, making the problem worse. It wouldn't hurt to also make sure grandma isn't wearing strong perfume or scratchy clothing that may upset one of the twins. If one baby cries, often the other will follow suite. Best of luck with your adjustments, I'm sure you will have many more to follow-- each stage of child raising has its special challenges and rewards, and is truly a blessing we wouldn't trade.

Try sitting them between you as a transition and see how they handle that. Or....try putting them on Grandma's lap, you sitting next to her and have a hand on her leg, head or something. Hold a hand, rub a leg, etc. to reassure them that you are there. I've found this helpful. It's not uncommon at all for kids to go through this, some way worse than others.

Despite the fact that the girls can't respond to you.....CONTINUALLY talk to them and reassure them that everything is alright and remind them that they are sitting on Grandma's lap. Tell them that Grandma is Daddy's mommy. They probably don't make the connection at this point.

I have a 9 month old granddaughter who has been the same way since the age of 4 mos.
None of my six were this way until about 9 or 10 months and only for a couple of months.
I don't know of anything to do to "speed things along".
She is just going to have to grow out of it.
And she will, but I don't know when.
Above all, don't stop trying....keep letting other people hold her and pick her up despite her distress...if only for a short time.

I have been around several babies like this- my nieces and my grandson. They will outgrow it. Be patient and let grandma hold one while you hold the other as much as possible. Also, get other relatives and friends to come and sit with you. The babies will get used to having other people around and learn to trust them.