Sticky Situation!

I think this comes down to did you sign him up or did he ask to sign up? If you signed him up this would be a good time to accept this is not about you, ya know? I see you worried about your two girlfriends, did they talk you into this? They are worried about their kids, not yours, telling you to he should stick up for himself?

Please I am sorry if I am way off on this but it looks like you did this for your friends and you are willing to sacrifice your son for them as well. If this is the case let your son off the hook and start standing up to your friends. Just from what I read here they don't sound like good friends anyway.

Obviously if your son asked to do this then he does need to suck it up.

Edit: Oh my, is this your son with Aspergers? Please, your friends clearly don't care, he will not be able to stand up for himself, he will just crawl into a hole and hide.

13 moms found this helpful

These friends certainly have a lot of opinions on how to raise your son, huh?

You don't need me telling you to do the opposite - you're the mom of one dancer. You stick up for that little man. Make the best decision for that little man.

Maybe "finishing what you start" is a value in your house. Maybe "trying something new" is. Or maybe "know your limitations" is one.

Find that parenting principle that sounds good to your ear (not so much that it fixes/doesn't fix the current situation). You're teaching your son how to make tough decisions. Teach him to rely on principles. Principles that aren't held just for one situation - but for a lifetime.

11 moms found this helpful

Talk to the teacher. She will be disappointed, but if your son is as bad as you make him out to be, she may feel it is in his best interest to step down.

This is NOT your girlfriends' business, N.. They need to butt out. They are only thinking about themselves, and not your son.

Good luck with this decision.
D.

5 moms found this helpful

have him finish up especially if there are other boys in the dance. as for being teased I think him quitting and not going through with his commitment will be worse on his frienship with the other boys that are in the group. Have him finish and dont sign him up for anymore dance classes. He should finish what he started he may be building more in his mind as to what might happen and nothing may happen at all. This is just total nerves taking over. He can do it and will be proud of himself after he completes this task. gl

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To me, this is a situation whereby the lesson is possibly more for the parent and less for the child... By that I mean... he has been saying for the last 2 months that he wanted to quit.. By all accounts, he did give it enough time to see IF he truly likes it (which is what I make my son do) as in Karate' , he took about 15 lessons and thereafter he said he just wasn't into it.. So I pulled him... To me, a kid usually knows by that many lessons if a sport is something they like or not...

Consider this...he did tell you month's ago he wasn't too into it... but you kept him in anyway... that 's over and done with.. now consider this.. what's worse.. YOUR being embarrassed or HIM? I think that is a question worth weighing and seems to be the root of the problem... then decide which is more detrimental... your keeping him in or pulling him out... in other words, who will be more adversely affected in the short-term and long-term... you , the other parents OR your son...

Good luck

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I would most definitely let my son drop out of this. He is not ready to take the social risk that dancing like this in public will be for him....and I can't say that I blame him. He is right at the beginning of when it is important for a kid to feel like they fit in. In a perfect world it would be great for us to just be who we are and deal easily with the consequences and shrug it off and stand up for ourselves and just not care what others think.. I don't think we should expect our young children to do this- be honest, are you always able to do this?? I know that sometimes I don't-I follow the pack and I care what others think and I worry that I will look stupid. Wish I didn't but I do. So I would let him quit if his social barometer is telling him this would not be a good idea. He is a different kid now than he was in sept when you signed him up. Kids change quicly at that age.

As for your friends....I would worry much more about my son's feelings than theirs. Its none of their business and you don't owe them anything. And I sincerely hope they were not the reason that you signed your kid up for this class in the first place.

4 moms found this helpful

I think it would depend. Did he ask to sign up for hip hop, or did you want him to do hip hop because your friends kids were doing it?
I would think that if he asked to do it, then you should make him stick it out, but if you were the one that wanted him to do it then I would probably let him off the hook. It's tough being a kid and I don't blame him for being worried about being picked on. It's easier said than done to stick up for yourself. Sorry I am not more help, I think, though, that is how I would determine it.

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1) who cares if people will be mad
2) it is unfair to the rest of the group. Dance is choreographed. If he quits now, they will have to redo the choreography they've been working on for months. This is a committment and the time to quit has come and gone. If you were going to let him quit, it should've been right at the beginning.
3)Maybe he is just nervous and this will be a good chance for him to face his fear and conquer it. He may find that he loves being on stage and having people applaud for him.
4) it will make a great home movie to embarass him with when he is a bratty teenager! :)

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I think it is unfair to the instructor who choreographed it and the other 2 boys (the girls too, even if they don't acknowledge it) to pull him out NOW. Let him drop it after the recital. But if I'm assuming he (and you) have known about this recital for some time now (longer than the past 2 weeks).
Either he committed or you committed him to do this. Learn from this, but go through with it.
You can respect his feelings and judgment by letting him drop hip hop AFTER the recital.

That's my opinion.

4 moms found this helpful

If signing him up was totally your call and he wanted no part of it from jump and he's only doing it because you signed him up, then I think that he has more than served this sentence. Why should he have to stick it out? So what if your friends think it's not fair? He's not their kid. What's unfair is for him to have to suffer through this any longer when he's been suffering since day one. A recital would be the worst.

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You write that "you" signed him up for hip-hop back in September. Did he want to do it back then, or did you make him try it? That may influence my opinion.

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Did your son actually want to do hip hop or did you just sign him up? I think that makes a difference as far as following through.
Also are they performing in front of the whole school or in the town square or something? Recitals are usually just attended by family members, so I'm not sure why he's worried about being teased. If it IS a public performance where all his friends will see him then I would NOT make him perform, I think that would be cruel, especially if he's not even good at it :(

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N.:

Did YOU sign him up for YOU or did you sign him up for HIM?
Did HE ASK to be signed up did you TELL him what he was going to do?

For me? That's the difference. If **I** signed my kids up for something and they are not enjoying it - I will pull them. I think I would have done it faster than 8 months.

If my kids ASKED me to sign them up - I will tell them they made the commitment and must stick it out.

Also keep in mind the teacher has been working on this recital for HOW long? She's counted on ALL the kids being present. Have you talked to her to see what would happen if he was a no-show? Would it be detrimental to the other kids who DID want this?

Don't worry what OTHER people will think. That's THEIR problem. You cannot control them, change them or anything else. If they don't like it - that's THEIR issue - NOT yours.

3 moms found this helpful

I am sorry but I have pulled my older son from things with a week from going on stage. Other reasons but if he is 9 and does not want to do this. PULL HIM momma!!! I would not care what the others think at all....sorry but I am pulling him because he is not comfortable doing the dance routine. End of story.

3 moms found this helpful

These other people who are going to be mad...do they live your life? Will they be there if your son gets bullied? If they're pressuring you that much, then they're not very good friends are they?

If you feel you need to pull him out, and he wants out, then pull him out. (Yes, there are times to keep your commitments, but if he's truly no good at this, and hates it, then i can see why he wants out.) Did he ask to be in it? Or did you put him in it because your friends' boys were in it? If he asked to be in it, keep him in until after the thing. If you put him in because of your friends, then pull the poor boy out.

Who cares what others think? If you force him to stay in, what are you teaching him? That if others put pressure on you, you should do things you don't want to...just so that they don't get upset with you. Not good either.

*hugs*

3 moms found this helpful

<Resists the urge to ask "if everyone else jumped off a bridge.....">

Anyway...is this something he asked to do and wanted to do?
If so, I'm usually a big believer in "you finish what you started" BUT if (as you wrote) you "signed him up for hip hop" then I wouldn't expect him to do OR like it!

I have a 9 year old boy.
He'd rather die than be in a dance recital.
You know your son best.

(And I probably wouldn't look at it as just the other "boy moms" being mad--it's always a big move to putt out on the entire group.)

Ucchhh....hard decision.

3 moms found this helpful

Don't make your son embarass himself so everyone will be happy with you. Your first concern is your son.

If he's that bad, you would think the team might be glad that he won't be doing the dance. But in any case, if he doesn't want to do it, don't make him.

3 moms found this helpful

The first thing that stands out about your situation that really bothers me is that you are worried about other peoples' reactions!!! Your number one priority is your son!!!! First, I would have a heart-to-heart discussion with your son and really listen and understand where he's coming from - if he absolutely hates it, doesn't enjoy it at all and is only in it because YOU pushed him, I would pull him out. But then, I would also talk to the instructor and see if he really is as bad as you say.

While I totally understand being made fun of can be huge to a kid, if he was the one wanting to do it, I would probably make him finish and be in the recital. (You will not be able to bail him out of everything!) I would stress the fact that the other boys are in the same boat. I would tell him if anyone says anything afterward to stand up for himself and be ready with a comeback!

Good luck!!!

3 moms found this helpful

My thoughts are if YOU signed him up and made him do it...then YOU need to pull him out and let him not have to follow through with YOUR decision.

If he want to and asked to be signed up then...this is a teaching moment of following through on finishing what you start.

Is the recital closed to the public or at his school or community center? Is he friends with a lot of the girl's brothers who will be there? Usually recitals are attended by family and siblings who are forced to go...not the whole school/community/etc.

Good luck!! And hugs for wanting to do the right thing by your son!!

3 moms found this helpful

Well if it was one of my sons I would not let him quit ........not because of what your friends are saying but because his teacher and teammates are counting on him(even though he is not good).
Did he want to be signed up for it? If not I would apologize, say that mommy thought it would be something he'll like, but you made a mistake .
It can be a great teaching moment.
There will be plenty of bullies in his life, but he can not let it effect him and not do the right thing( and that it's never ever ok to make fun of others because they do something different).
Tell him to go out there and do his best, have fun with his friends and support his teacher who worked hard to put it all together
That's just my 2 cents:).

2 moms found this helpful

Your family gets to decide, not your friends. Hard one though. You have to decide what your teachable moment will be; finish thru, there is no "i" in team, etc.

I personally would make him stick it thru. My reason would be that he has made a commitment since SEPTEMBER, if it were November and he really disliked it every week he went, then I would consider pulling him out. But not in May.

2 moms found this helpful

This is a teachable moment. Your son needs to see this through. It isn't fair for the others if he drops out now. Obviously this isn't a girls dance group since there are two other boys. He made a commitment to this group and to the recital and he needs to see it through. We all have to do things we don't like and aren't good at but when you are on a team you "take one for the team". This is a team.

Just think about the movie you will have to show at this wedding reception! He will survive.

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I agree with a previous poster who said this is a teachable moment-he needs to see this through and more importantly-you do too! So what if he stinks at dancing and has no passion for it-he is 9! It's not a career and only 2 more weeks. As a former dancer, coach and athlete-it suck when someone pulls out "because they don't want to do it anymore". Sorry not a good enough reason! He will recieve more flak for being a quitter than for sucking!

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I don't think it is fair to make the other 12 kids suffer because he has decided at the last minute not to do the recital. That puts all of them and the teacher in a bad situation. I feel like once you are a part of a team, you have to follow thru. I would make him finish out these two weeks and go to the recital. After that, he may quit. That is a lot of hard work down the tubes for the other 12 and the teacher if he quits at the last minute. How is that fair to them and the money the other parent's paid for their children to participate.
We had a similar situation with our middle child. She wanted to play softball. After about a month, she said she didn't like it and wasn't good at it so she wanted to quit. We told her that she made a commitment to the team. If she quits, they are down a person and having to cover for her. That isn't fair to the team. We made her finish out the season. As far as her not being good at it, that is why we practice. With practice, we get better.
I would try to look at it from the stand point of the other kids in the recital and the other parent's who are looking forward to seeing their children on stage. Is it fair to mess up a recital for 50+ people because your 1 child after 6 months of being in this class has decided two weeks before the show to quit?

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If it were me I would make him finish out the classes that were paid for but the recital is optional. If he wanted to dance (not YOU signing him up but him wanting it) then yes stick it out to the end but he doesn't have to sign up for another session. The recital at the end wouldn't be required.
As far as your 'friends'.... I would feel like telling them to stick it up... err .. I mean you do what is best for your child and forget them.

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Why would you put a 9 year old in activity he had no interest in? Did you do it to make your friends happy? You admit it's your fault, I wouldn't force him to do it, personally, especially since he didn't make the commitment, you did.

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Dear N,
I have always said to my kids that once I pay for an activity, they are not allowed to quit until it is over. My girls both hate being in front of crowd, too, so they haven't signed up for much with recitals.
I would say, talk to all three boys together and see who might be bullying all of them. That way, he doesn't feel singled out. I think if he really makes a big deal about being scared at the recital, it might be worse to make him do it. It depends on his personality. I think you will do the right thing for your child, just get all the information.
S

Wow, that is a tough one! My knee jerk reaction is that he needs to take responsibility for his commitment to everyone and see it through. You also said that you make him see everything else through.
It comes down to two things: responsibility and relationship.
1) He needs to be held responsible for his actions at every turn now--especially when it hurts to do it--because that is what will make him a good man someday. Following through is easy when nothing is at stake. Think about how you look back on stuff like this from when you were his age. Are you scarred by it or do you look back at it like, "Well, it was awful at the time but in the grand scheme of things it was stupid and didn't matter and doesn't affect me now. We have all been embarrassed as adolescents--it rarely bothers us after we grow up. You are the big picture for him. Help him to see past NOW and make him do the things that will make him a better person LATER.
2) It is imperative that you put it to him that way and do NOT accept guilt. If you do he will lose the purpose of the experience and will just be bitter and angry and resentful and allow it come between the two of you. You must maintain loving relationship but still make him take responsibility. Be strong for him and be his support. Let him know how proud of him you are. It's the toughest part of parenthood, good luck and God bless!

I personally would not make him do it. If he goes to the recital and sees his friends in it, then maybe next time he would feel differently. The girls are not friendly and it would be uncomfortable for him. Just go and watch it.

If his teacher is anything like my teacher was... If one kid is missing, the whole routine is thrown off.

My daughter is on a competitive dance team and was part of 3 dances in her recent recital. That being said, another girl on the team twisted her ankle during rehersal and was medically unable to perform. Did her absence "ruin" all the routines? Absolutely not. Adjustments can be made, especially with weeks out to practice new spacing. Don't force your son to do something that may cause resentment and emotional stress to your son, it really isn't worth it.

There is something to be said for teaching your children to follow through with commitments. Even if YOU were the commitment maker, this is a huge teaching lesson for your child to have him see YOU also commit to follow through to the end................. This really has nothing to do if others will be mad at you or your son or not.

That is a tough one. My best suggestion is to trust your gut. Sometimes that is all we have. Also, talk it over with your hubby and see what he says. Maybe you already have.