July 03, 2008,
S.B. asks from Saint Paul, MN on July 02, 2008
Stepson Who Lies About EVERYTHING
My stepson lies to his dad (my husband) about EVERYTHING. He would lie about what he had for breakfast. I just do not understand there is no motivation for these lies he just lies and lies and I feel so bad saying this but I really can't see myself having a relationship with this child because there is 0 trust. He just lies about everything.
We have no set visitation as in the past his mother has just arranged times for my husband to see him, but now that he is older we understand that he may not be able to visit as often because of teenage stuff (part time jobs,sports,etc)but now he has not visited for over 9 months. It is always something and those somethings are ALWAYS lies.
My MIL blames all of this on my step son's mother and she just keeps babying my step son and blaming his mother for all of this saying that she is controling and she is but that really has nothing to do with his lies. I can't help but think he is 17 he has to have some say in what goes on in his life. Everytime I talk to my husband about this and I say to him... he is lying to you can't you see this? And we end up in a huge argument! I am not sure why I see it so clearly and my DH and MIL don't I am sure they are in denial. Gosh I hope they are because it is so obvious that he is lying!
My son was born in August and my step son has seen him twice and has not seen him since Oct 07. My stepson has finally talked to my hubby and has made plans to see us this Sat. What should I be doing? I really have nothing to say to this kid he is just testing my nerves! And when I talk to my husband he sees my points but then when it comes to the discipline it is like nothing happens. We are not like that with my ten year old and will not be like that with our 10 month old and it frusterates me that he gets away with it and my kids get to witness this... UGH!
When I talk to any of my husbands family members they make me look like the wicked step mom and that I am to hard on him and it just bothers me as a parent it is my JOB to be hard on him. If I sat and did and said nothing what kind of message would that be?
B.H. answers from Minneapolis on July 02, 2008
He's probaly not gonna ever have much of a relationship with your baby his half brother, they're to far apart in age and never see eachother. Plus it's not high on the agenda list for a teenage boy. Just some baby to him.
As far as the lying as much as it drives you insane and it would me too. Stay out of it. If your only seeing the kid 1-3x a year just blow it off and bite your tongue.
He's hardly a child anymore almost an adult. Encourage your husband and support him to have a relationship with his son but back off a bit. You can't force anything.
All this energy you have at being frustrated at him direct at your own children in a loving way and use all that energy to do something fun or special with them.
You could be the greatest step mom in the world and be completely fair and take your step son with open arms but you'll always be seen completely different as the wicked step mom. Be supportive, pretend to be happy and leave it at that. Don't get in the middle of it. Let your husband deal with it. He probaly knows his son is lying but it hurts to much to admidt.
C.K. answers from Minneapolis on July 03, 2008
A lot of this sounds like it is completely out of your hands. You can't control what your stepson says and does. You can't control your husband's and MIL's perception of him. If he's a first-class liar, eventually your husband and MIL will get burned. Some things people just have to figure out for themselves.
All you can do is make your home a welcoming place for your stepson. At 17, he's either interested in visiting you and his siblings, or he's not.
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T.M. answers from Minneapolis on July 03, 2008
Children remember everything that adults say and as Maria Montessori says "it is engraved in their mind."
Maybe you take a step back and just start listening. Keep asking him questions and if he doesn't answer just talk about yourself, the weather, news stuff, the other kids - whatever you want. Make sure to look at him as you are talking to help engage him. If it at all becomes awkward, just start singing to yourself.
I think that if you can show him you are a willing and able listener, maybe he will start opening up about things and not lie. Lying is one form of attention and he may have a hard time in your household with the other kids and not feel he has enough attention. Also, seeing his dad so infrequently doesn't help what goes on in his head. You know how it was being a teenager - your brain circuit is out of control but you don't know that as it's happening (until you're much older).
I just think that people talk too much and if we all just stopped to listen, we would learn so much and endear ourselves to others.
I hope that is not all corny and helps! Good luck.
N.S. answers from Minneapolis on July 02, 2008
Depending on how important your husband feels it is for you and his older son (maybe even the new baby) to have a relationship, I'd recommend family counseling.
If your husband is content with things the way they are, then I'd agree with Beth. However, if you get the sense that this will become a decisive issue between you and your husband, I'd say a serious discussion between you two and counseling is a must...and if you can get the ex and her son in on it, all the better for everyone involved. I think this may be the only way to achieve a truce, toleration, and a semblance of peace.