Stepmom Problems

Being the evil step-mom in my house, I probably have a slightly different opinion. I must say first of all...I agree if she is sending u nasty e-mails just don't open them. Talk directly to your ex if you can, but if their house is like mine, that might not work. See, my hubby 'listens' to what is going on, then Forgets, and problems arrise. As for her being involved with the children and their activites...I would try to look at it like this, obviously she loves your ex and YOUR children which you should be entirely greatful for. A lawyer won't help; based on what you said it "appears" she is trying to be a good parent (a step parent is still a parent to those children when they are in her house).
Being a parent is hard work and being a step-parent is even harder. I say just keeping your girls' mother and try to ignore her when you can. Talk to your ex if you can about the e-mails. And don't let yourself fade or be pushed into the background at events or meetings (which I think is great that you and your ex can attend together...that will help your kids out greatly now and in the future). When she starts to pick a fight with you, pick a statement that you can use all the time, without appearing to 'back down'. Like if she complains about something "have **** call me"
Best of Luck

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Wow. If she weren't married to your ex, I'd say get a restraining order! She sounds downright creepy!

Since you can't reason with her, could you talk to your ex privately and see if he can intervene? He shouldn't be letting her walk all over you. It's great for a stepmom to want to be involved, but she seem like she's doing it out of spite towards you, and a neurotic need to play Mommy, but certainly not out of genuine affection for your kids.

How do your girls feel about her? Is she trying to force them to call her Mom? I'm sure they can smell her insincerity a mile away and are just as creeped out by her forcing herself into their lives. Sooner or later, they will be old enough to say they don't want to visit their Dad anymore because of her. He needs to be aware of how she will ultimately drive them away from him.

In the meantime, stop backing down. Even if it makes your girls uncomfortable at the time, you'll be a good role model by demonstrating how to stand up to bullies like her.

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I would keep everything documented, this is harassment.

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Wow this reminds me of that thriller movie "the hand that rocks the cradle" the nanny not step mom was trying to take over the motherly duties. Talk to your ex, not her. Let him know you are aware that he is stuck in the middle to please his new wife and to appease you however, tell him if he doesn't want it to get harder i.e, you not bringing the kids around until mommy dearest is put in her placem then he needs to step in. Creepy

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Wow! That would for sure piss me off!! I would save all emails from her and try to record your conversations with that witch! She sure sounds very creepy! She does not need to attend any meetings at all! Find out if there's a way to not let her know of these school meetings, change them, I would. Is there anyone at their schools who can 'help' you with this? How many times a week does your ex have your girls? Do your girls like her? But really, savet, record everything in case you might need it in the future; you just might. My ex never remarried, I'm lucky!

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Where is the father of the girls while this is going on. He needs to step up to the plate and make it clear that you ALL must CO-Parent the children. She is partially responsible for them, as she is now a part of their lives as a step-parent, but she is part of a TEAM now and Dad needs to make it clear that THEY are important and you will ALL be taking care of them.

It's very sad that she can't have children. I can't imagine how I would feel. It doesn't excuse her behaviour at all. But there must be a lot of pain there and she's over-compensating to make herself feel better. She may feel less of a woman because of it, who knows. But she needs to somehow find a way to get past that. I don't know how you can help there...

I'm a child of multiple divorces, so I know from personal experience that when parents & step parents get along and work together, it makes all the difference. Good luck - I hope your ex works to make this work out for your girls.

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Yes I would definately talk to your ex... and I would keep talking to him until he tells his wife to back off. After all you had children with HIM not HER, and his partner should respect the (real) mother of his children. Im sure that you appreciate that she is not a complete monster to your girls and you should mention that. You could also say that your happy that she wants to help out (if you haven't already). If she doesn't back off then talk to him again. Keep bugging him about it so he has to bug her about it. Maybe he will really crack down and let into her about it... hey if thats what it takes. I feel for you... I would hate it if my ex ever found a girl like her. Its a shame that she can't have kids but she is trying to take from you. Not fair. Good luck with this...

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I am confused on why you have to have dialogue with her at all if she is so nasty? You should be making arrangements, upcoming plans, or any necessary conversations concerning your children with him directly. I would talk to your ex and tell him that you refuse to speak with his wife if she is not respectful to you. There should be no reason why you should have to put up with her nonsense. I commend you for being respectful for your daughters sake and I would continue to do so in front of them, but I would not tolerate her disrespect. She should realize when you become involved with someone with children the other parent comes with the package. They are not her children they are yours. I wouldn't read any of her e-mails or better yet forward them to your ex. Good luck

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If you remarry you would not like it if your ex decided your new husband couldn't attend those things because he didn't like it. You do need to just deal with that.

As for her behavior:

She is in mourning for the children she just lost, her role as a mother, her whole role expectations for the rest of her life, that all just went away.
She is grieving the fact she is going to not be a birth mother. This will eventually get better. She is very obviously overreacting right now. It sounds like she is trying to explain herself to you and not doing a very good job of it. Talk to your ex about the emails and things, maybe he can help her to feel better about her situation. She is extremely jealous of you right now, and every other birth mother in the world. I can't imagine what she is mentally going through right now. Finding out she are sterile is a life changing ordeal, try to have a bit of compassion for her and talk to your ex and ask him to help out in this situation so you can get past this and not hate her but maybe eventually be able to exist in the same room.

I have a friend who is in a relationship with a man who has two girls from a previous marriage. My friend is living with him and pregnant with his third child. The mother of the girls is really being awful to her. My friend lets call Sue. Sue is the one who makes them dinner, gives them a bath, plays with them, puts them to bed, and well she has to enforce the rules too. She does time outs for bad behavior. The mother is trying to make it so that they live with Sue but Sue is supposed to ignore them and only the father is supposed to do anything with the girls! Well Sue and the father want for everyone to be a family. Not replace the mother, but when at their home they want everyone to love and respect each other. The mother has even said that Sue shouldn't be cooking for her kids!! Honestly, Sue is supposed to cook for just her and the father is supposed to cook for the kids!! I think there is a lot of jealousy from the mother as she hasn't found someone yet.

So my advice is put yourself in her shoes to say. Okay well not exactly her shoes, but lets say you find a man and get married. Is he just supposed to sit on the sidelines? Or do you want him involved with the dance stuff and class meetings? You want your new DH informed right? What happens in your house you want to be a family and happy environment right?

So are you interferring in their family life at home? Trying to tell her what to do in her own home? If so then stop! I am just trying to figure out why she would be sending you nasty emails. If someone were telling me what to do in my own home I would be pretty upset too. Not that I would stoop to emails over it lol!

You have to accept her as another family member now. Maybe think of her as a Step child lol! She may act like a child at times right? So if you think of her as a step child that has certain chores like taking care of the kids or attending meetings with you because they had no where else to go lol!

A key piece you didn't mention is the custody arrangement. Is it 50/50, are the kids with the ex and the stepmom most of the time, or you most of the time? The answer to that can change the dynamic completely.

I've been a custodial stepmom for the last 8 years. We've had the kids more or less 7x24 for 8 years with the mom popping in and out. I have been the primary mom. I am the one who goes to school meetings and dances, the one who makes their dinner, washes their clothes and deals with all the other stuff that kids need done. Mom shows up for the "good stuff". I am not implying this is the relationship - just that the custody arrangement can drastically alter circumstances. She hates this, but doesn't want to or can't be involved more in their lives (her choice completely)

As others have said, first be happy for your kids that she wants to be in your kids' lives and that she is interested in them. Yeah, I know it's not easy for you, but it is best for the kids.

You also do need to accept that she IS helping raise your kids...whether or not you wanted that.

If the kids are with them most of the time, you will have to accept that she will have a major say in how they are raised.

However, if it's 50/50 or you are the primary parent, then don't let her push you around. I think there are some great suggestions on her. Talk with your husband, but don't make it you against her (you will lose). Don't call her "your wife". Rather, respond nicely (I loved Kathy B's comments ) - respond to any nasty comments with a nice comment. The kids will note who is acting immaturely - set the example for them.

Maybe try arranging a regular coffee with her to chat - having a good relationship between the "step-wives" is really important for the kids. Your husband should be the primary go between if you can't get along.

Bottom line is that this woman is in your kids lives, she wants to be in their lives, and, as many have pointed out, kids can't have too many adults caring about them.

Get a backbone girl and get pushy like her. If she shows up and pushes you to the background in meeting with teachers, events, etc. be bold and tell her that you are their mother and need to be in the forefront of the conversation. Sometimes when you call people's poor behavior out in front of others they feel stupid and back down. Now that is not to say that she won't be bold enough to pick a fight right in front of someone, just be prepared. The more you keep your cool the dumber she will look. All you can do is clarify over and over again that although you appreciate her interest and concern for your children, they are YOUR children and YOU need to be the primary mother.

You will probably have to deal with this forever! She probably won't get over her hurt that she cannot have her own. There is nothing you can do about that, however you can assure her that you appreciate that she takes such good care of your children in your absence, that you are glad she is interested in their well being, etc. Really compliment what she does well but DO NOT LET HER TAKE OVER!

One last thought is that you do not want to teach your girls that this woman's poor behavior is getting the best of you. You want them to see how to deal with this as a strong woman without acting like a child. So keep your cool, keep your cool, keep your cool, but DO NOT back down.

Unfortunately, if you see that none of this works, you may have to resort to legal tactics. After all, it is about the best interest of your children and YOU are their best interest, not her.

Good luck to you.

I've seen a dynamic with people, and with two pet goats I once had. If you push, they push back. Or, if they push, and you push back, they'll keep pushing. But if you refuse to push, they stop; they get bored and go find somebody else to push. Takes a little longer with pushy people than with goats, but pushing begets pushing – unless you recognize it and refuse to "play," and then it stops.

I know this is easier to say than to do: If she's trying to make your life miserable, don't be miserable. Don't let her win. You have NO way to change her except by changing yourself. Stay gracious and kind, always have a smile for her, take the initiative to "invite" her to come to the functions you plan to attend with your daughters. Don't try to compete with her for the spotlight – you really don't need to. She might hog it, but both of you know you're the one who has set the stage that she's dancing around on, or she wouldn't have to try so hard. You are your daughters' foundation.

You sound understandably possessive and defensive about your daughters. You don't want this woman raising your kids. If you have at any point made this clear to her, she might understandably have interpreted this as you starting a pushing fight. You don't mention what share of them she and your ex gets, but if they have weekend visitation or even half/half arrangement, then you still are the "main mom," and she is the step mom, no matter how hard she tries.

Step parenting is really hard – my second husband laid down his ego daily to be a good step-dad to my daughter, and yes, my ex was naturally possessive, jealous and defensive about it. He tried energetically to undermine my daughter's relationship with her step-dad, and partially succeeded, adding unnecessary misery to her life for several years. She ended up losing quite a bit of respect for her father.

I can't know the particulars of your situation, but I hope you'll try to see the struggle from your daughters' perspective, and be sure that you are not helping to keep unnecessary tensions alive for them in this complicated family situation. Be the proud, dignified, generous mom, and you will win the most important thing in the end – your daughters' happiness and respect.

My best to all of you.

Your comment "I didn't have children so someone else could raise them" baffles me. What did you expect would happen when you divorced? That everything would fall under your control afterwards? That you could control what your ex does with his life and who he does it with? You know there are consequences to all of our actions in life. It sounds to me like the bonus mom (not step-- too much stigma..) really wants to be part of the children's lives. They're not just your children. There are more parents involved now.. bonus parents.. get used to it). To me, the one having the hard time about it is you. We are probably not even getting the full story here (your side of the drama). Getting her to "back off" isn't going to happen. Try accepting your situation a little more and embrace the fact that she is so willing to be part of your daughters' lives. Her motives to me speak of a great deal of love for them and a desire to part of their lives. That's a good thing, versus the resentment she could have. As for her "harrassment" of you. What part are you playing to spur that on? Honestly look at your part in that and stop doing it.

I'm sorry to hear of your plight. I'm a stepmom and NEVER wanted or tried to replace my stepsons' mother. The way I look at it is, yes I'm their parent when in my home BUT I get to me more of a friend. To me, there are boundries in my position. I may not like my husband's ex but I respect that she is the mama!

Anyway, most cities have non-profit attorney groups that help people with limitied budgets. You really should see council. This could be talking to an attorney for a few hours to sort out what is possible and what you can do on your own. My husband and I use a site called fathersrightsinc.com
You pay a nominal fee for a lifetime membership (under $100) and we can send them questions via email all the time. It really has helped us figure out what to fight for and what not to fight for. You may be able to ban the stepmom from doing some things (like Dr Appts. - she's not their legal guardian to make any medical decisions). BUT I don't know so don't take my word as gospel.

I hope this helps!