Stepchildren Staying the Weekend

If you they still want to come over for the weekend, let them. You could suggest to them that since they are older, they are welcome to just come over sometime for dinner, they don't have to keep their visits to just once a month. You may not like what they do when they are there, but it could be that just the being there is comforting for them, and your husband too. I seriously wouldn't suggest asking them not to spend the night-you might alienate them entirely. Those kids, whether they are big or small at this point, have to have first priority in your husband's life. Sorry, Charlie.

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When my husband and I got married, my step-daughters were 19 and 16 yrs. old. I love them dearly and they are wonderful people! We've been married for 15 yrs.
You need to invite them over for dinner if you'd like them to come more often. You could take an interest in what they like...at least find out. Play a video game with them, go shopping for a new one, buy a Wii and install it in the living room, then have a family night of playing Mario Bros, and/or go to a book store. Maybe get a Facebook account, add them as a friend, text them often about different things or when you think of them, etc. If you let go of your 'adult mature ways' for a small portion of the day (with them) then you might just enjoy yourself with them.
Don't try to change them...find out what makes them tick and get to know who they are. You came into their life...not the other way around. The teenager years are difficult and they often need a soft place to fall when they mess up. If they enjoy themselves at your home then they will come over more often. If they're at your home once a month then they don't need a job to do. It isn't their dog. Oh, also make it their home, too!

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I agree with Anna, if the situation works for the kids and the dad then go along with their program. Yes, they are at the age of adults practically, but that doesn't mean they are emotionally. It sounds like you still want to direct aspects of their lives as if they are still children. Also sounds like there is something below the surface you may need to explore.
Good luck,
Wendy

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Isn't that really what all teenagers do? (Well, more use texting than read a book, so I guess that's good.) Maybe meet up for pizza, and he can ask if they want to come over? I think it's important the teens know they're wanted there, whether they choose to come or not. db

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they are old enough to act civilized but they are still kids. They will eventually launch. You will never get them interested in the things that you want or would like them to do, until you get interested in their world. You must get interested in them - play their games, read their book and discuss what is important to them. You are the parent- and even as a step parent you care for your children, you accommodate their needs and if you want to reach them - you have to get interested in their stuff. Your dream of social visits for dinner sounds lovely but it sounds as if you are a long way from there. Start small but have high expectations. When all else fails, bribery with cash and sugar always helps. Good luck and may you find lasting friendship with your step children. Cheers, B

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As awkward and unpleasant as this must be for you, I think you need to realize that your husband is trying to have time with his kids, and may not know how to make more of the situation than it is. He probably doesn't want to push them for more interaction out of fear that they'll stop coming. It rather seems to me that they don't particularly want to be there, so they just bide their time. The 18 1/2 year old has a choice as to whether she comes to stay, but the 16 1/2 year old does not. Perhaps his big sister comes out of solidarity.

My advice, since you ask, is not to curtail the visits, but rather to try to help your husband understand that he can assert some will and have them come out of their rooms and do something with him, and you, if you want to be a part of it. Do you ever go anywhere as a family, out to dinner or to the movies? Museum trips, or whatever the kids are interested in, maybe a ballgame if their more sporty? It just sounds to me like they don't really know what to do in the situation, so the adults should take the lead.

It sounds like a difficult situation, and an uncomfortable one, and you're in the middle. I'm sure you don't want to push yourself on the kids. I really hope your husband will try to get everyone out & having some kind of fun next time they're with you for the weekend.

I wish you & your family all the best.

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Hi, P.. I understand your delimma and I hope this comes across kindly. These are your husband's kids. They will always be his kids and should always be welcomed in his/your home. You married him kids and all - package deal.
Being in (both of) your situation(s), I'd tell you that if the kids aren't engaging in violent or inappropriate behavior and they are only with you once (or twice) a month, does it really matter that they are playing video games and reading? At their age, you don't really need to parent them, so in the overall scheme of things, does it matter if they don't shower for two days? Ask yourself, is it going to matter in 5 years? If not, let it go. Maybe ask them to have dinner with you guys or make dinner an event (sit together, watch a movie, etc.) to spend time with them. Maybe the reason they come over and spend the weekend and do nothing but veg is because your home is the one place they can truly relax and unwind.

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As frustrating as it may be for you I strongly encourage you to make the best of it. Maybe you could plan, (with your husband) in advance, something nice or special to do together. Once a month is not very often especially for the 16 year old and it is wise to encourage their time together with their Dad. They will be off on their own before you know it but they will always be their father's children and It would be great if you were a part of that too!!

Best to all of you.

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I have an 18 year old daughter and a 16 year old son, they don't see their father at all, don't come between them and their father. They are teenagers not adults. Make their weekend more enjoyable, and stop causing animosity. They are not only your guests for the weekend they are your family, stop treating them as intruders in your life. They don't come out of their rooms because they know you don't want them there. Plan fun activities for the one weekend they are there, don't try to get them to do your chores, treat them like out of town guests find out what they like to do and have some fun.

I wanted to add to my answer, after reading it it sounded rather harsh. After reading your second post I see that you really are trying. Try working on a one on one basis. It doesn't sound like they really get the attention they need while visiting their father. You are right, keep plugging away, it's not going to be easy, but one day they may think you're not so bad after all. Good Luck!

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It sounds like they aren't obnoxious or in your face like many teens. They are perhaps a little immature or just naturally quiet individuals. Obviously they are comfortable and feel content to kick back/relax when they visit you. I am not sure I understand what it is you want them to do or why you don't want them to come stay in their father's home?

No, it's not time for them to just come over, have dinner and leave. The girl may be of legal adult age, but the 16 year old isn't. They need to be welcomed and offered a safe, warm, and accepting haven in your home until they are a lot older.

If you are insistant on ending their visitation weekends you may be opening up issues between yourself, them and their father that you really don't want to have. Please reconsider this stance and let it ride.

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Hi P.. Just my opinion but why doesn't their Father ask them and see if that is something they would like to do. Maybe they don't feel like part of the family when they are at your house. Do you call them the boy and the girl at your home too? It doesn't seem like you really care about them, but you care more about doing things the "right" way or what you think is right. Why can't they spend the weekend? Is it getting in the way of something's that you would like to do on the weekends? They are older so I'm sure they just hang out there when your gone. I guess I'm wondering why you wouldn't want them to spend time with there father for a weekend? That's their Dad. They should feel comfortable to spend time there and just hang out. Maybe they wouldn't just read or play games if dad planned something fun to do like go to the beach, see a movie they they like with them. And then mention he would like to see them even more often and if possible, come over for dinner once a week. It seems like your trying to push them away? Maybe not, I'm just getting that out of your post. It's not like they are adults like you say in your post. Their still kids, teenagers. I'm sure they just want to feel loved by their dad. Don't lump them in with the "adults". Kids aren't adults until there like 20. Even then sometimes their minds aren't :) They may act like they don't care, but inside they care if they don't feel love and attention by their parents. Everyone wants to feel loved no matter what age they are.

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Hi there - Maybe they do this because they know they are visiting and this is not their HOME. Give them a break! As long as they respect you, ur kids and ur home then they are doing nothing wrong.

To them they are visiting their father, my nephews do the same thing at my brothers' house. They say hi then resume to their resepctful areas to go online, read, play video games. They are teenagers after all. My kids do the same a home, but at home they have their chores, their family time and their activities.

Again, as long as they arent' being disrespectful count ur blessings, other stepchildren arent' so accepting and it could be worse :)

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I think it is sad that you are complaining about 3 days out of 30! This is your husbands children. What if he told you, you weren't allowed to have your kids come and visit. I am sure they have gone through enough with their parents divorcing and then their father re-marrying.

If you hardley see them because they are in their room, whats the worry. And why do you care if they brush their teeth or not. If it bothers you have their father deal with it! YOu made the decision to marry a man with children. I don't mean to sound harsh but these are the consequences of your choice. I would be devestated if my father told me the ONE weekend I came to see him was going to end. Honestly you sound a little self-centered.

First, they are teenagers, not really adults. Teenagers can be moody. At first I thought you just wanted a better relationship with them, but if your attitude is that you just want them out, I can see why they retreat to their rooms.

I'm sure they see this place as their home (which they should!) and feel comfortable enough to do the relaxing things they enjoy doing at home.

I would think your husband would be happy to have them around at all. Personally, I think you need to reevaluate your feelings about them and the situation.

-M

Hi P.,
What have you and your husband done to make their stay more fun/enjoyable? You see them once a month; do you go out for a family dinner, movie, anything while they're visiting? If not, I can see why they immediately go to their rooms by themselves. I don't think the decision is really up to you to start cutting down on the amount of time that they visit and I can see why (I'm guessing) your husband doesn't want to change that. They're his children, after all! However, brushing one's teeth and showering on a daily basis is a must. Let this directive come from your husband :)

Paticia alot of these ladies are giving you advice but how can some of them when they have not gone through it? My pastor told me that he can't give me to much help about my problem because he has never experienced it. I am a christian woman who has already raised my family as a single parent and I at times feel that I am going to go crazy with my husbands kids him and I are always arguing because of the things his kids do. Just pray and ask the Lord to help you and guide you.

Hi there,
Can't yo have a conversation with them? What do they want to do? Sounds like they need to repect you more. Can you find something that all of you can do together? Or even one on one time with them. What does the boy like to do, does he skate board? You can find a local skate park and watch him skate. Stuff like that can build trust and respect that can make your life a lot easier when they come around.
They probably don't like to walk the dog because they have no real bond with it, and they just don't care. Next time they come down, try to find something fun to do. I'm sure they would appreciate it.
good luck!

Hello, Lay down the law!! These kids are being very disrespectful. I would tell them that they have to shower each day and brush their hair and teeth. I would also tell them that they can go to their rooms after dinner and all of their other things are done. If they don't like it, too bad. Be sure that you are also being respectful when you tell them these things. Respect goes two ways. When my grandson goes to his dad's for a visit, his step-mom is disrespectful to him. I believe him because not only is he a very nice boy when he is with me, but all of his teachers throughout all of his years in school have said the same thing.
Good luck with your precious step-kids.
K. K.

Hi P.,

I really hope I don't come off sounding like a jerk!!

In my opinion, you should be happy the kids WANT to come over! At that age, most teenages would rather be out having fun with their friends. I would see it as a blessing that they're in your home safe, not out doing drugs, drinking, having sex .. all the dangerous things that teens seem to be faced with more and more these days.

Teenagers are lazy by nature (sorry!!) and video gaming is such a part of life for boys (I don't like it either) get a Wii and everyone play together!! The girl reads (that's great!!). I would try to see the good in this situation, hard as it may be for you.

Try to engage them in conversation, find out what and where they like to eat, talk to the girl about what she's reading .. it could be SO much worse.

Luck to you!
W.

Just my opinion - but yes, I think they should just come for a day visit instead. That way you can all have dinner and talk and interact and make plans. My parents separated when I was 4 and I believe we stopped staying the weekends at my dad's when I was around 14? To be honest, we didn't see our dad too much after we got jobs and boyfriends and such except for on holidays... I am much closer to my dad now that I have kids.
Good luck!

While I agree personal hygiene is important, I would let that one go and allow their father to deal with it. These are his kids and they should be welcome in his home. It sounds like you are resentful of them and the whole situation - but when you marry someone who already has kids, this is part of the deal.

Have you expressed an interest in them, beyond telling them to do this or that? I mean a genuine interest - ask them open-ended questions about what is going on in their lives while you are enjoying a meal together.

Wishing you the best of luck!