Step Sister

Looks like you gotta got a problem...She is 13, and like a lot of 13 years olds they are confused about sexuality in general, Maybe she is just going through a stage. I have an older brother who is gay, and believe me there was no need to tell my parents they already knew!! LOL I think you should try and talk to her as a "friend" not an adult. Because she might be very upset that your son told you and that would ruin their friendship. And you have no idea how your step dad and mom are going to react to news like that, they might be really upset and not know how to handle her. You should support her and let her know that whatever she is or wants to be is ok with you, she can come to you about anything shes scared to tell her parents. That might sound wrong to you and like you are betraying your parents but believe me you are going to get more out of her by being her friend then acting like a parent. Good luck!!

Well my opinion is don't tell. When I was in high school everyone said they were bi-sexual. Then once we graduated they all of a sudden weren't. I think it's just a faze some kids go through when they are trying to figure out who they are. But it could aslso be that she swings both ways and it's nothing bad. It's not like she is doing drugs or stealing. Homosexuality or bisexuality are not like diseases, there is nothing to be alarmed about. Plus if she has already told her biological mother but not her father or her step mom, then obviously she doesn't trust them enough and can't confide in them. I say leave her alone and she will tell them in her own time or she'llgrow out of it. Besides it could be alot worse she could be pregnant and then it would be time to tell.

I vote the best decision is to stay completely out of it. Your step-sister reserves the right to disclose information about herself to whom she chooses. She is a teenager, so her feelings towards sexuality(although hers isn't wrong) will more than likely change. By you going behind her back to tell your mother not only violates her trust, but your sons as well. If you're truly concerned, then speak to your step-sister directly, otherwise, let her conduct her life without your interference.

Hi Terry,
My advice is do not tell. Sexual orientation is a personal affair, one that she must deal with at her own pace. When she is ready to tell she will. Outing someone makes them feel violated and betrayed.

I have more of an issue with her having a myspace account without her mother's knowledge. If a child is allowed a myspace account then in my opinion children should be closely monitored-there are too many ways for them to find trouble and not even know it.

Best wishes,
R. Doula and Mother of Ben 16yrs and Daniel 12 yrs.

The myspace account is the item that you should tell your step-mom about as it is expressly against her wishes. The bisexuality thing, if it is indeed true, is her personal issue to reveal in time and none of your business to share.

Let me give you some background first...My younger brother is gay. He came out to my parents first, then came out to me. I had pretty much already figured it out, just waited for him to confirm it.

Now, my advice. Don't tell anyone. It's her own personal business, and she has the right to tell who she feels comfortable telling. I agree that she is going through a stage in her life where everything seems confusing. If you tell your mother and step-father, you're only betraying her trust...not to mention ruining a friendship between her and your son. She obviously feels comfortable talking with your son, or she wouldn't have told him. Would you want to take that away from her?

When she gets a bit older, and decides for sure whether she is gay, straight or bisexual, then she will be ready to tell whoever needs to know.

whoa- sorry to be the decenter here. but you gotta do something. i mean, the girl is 13. is she sexually active? or is she just saying she is bi to be cool. if she is sexually active. you need to let her parents know. telling her dad is a good idea. you two can coordinate so it doesn't point back to your son. how about this my space account. your mom should know if she has forbidden it. but a computer savvy person can find her my space account without having been told by you. does she talk about being bi sexual on the my space account.
come on people. i am disappointed by the other advise you have been given. you are an adult. you have a responsibility to your step sister and your mom to make adult decisions and if there is something going on that would harm her you need to make that tough call that you love her and don't want her to be hurt- and should i say again, she is a 13 year old who may be sexually active.
if you are still really concerned about tattling on her, then just suggest to her parents that some issues have come up with her and they may want to initiate a talk with her. then, you have told them nothing but they know to be on the look out. i know you want to be her friend right now, but we were all 13 once and made bad decisions, you are an adult and need to act in what is best for her. if it explodes in your face then maybe she will forgive later, maybe she wont. but if she ends up pregnant or with an std (which one in three sexually active girls have today) you will feel much worse.
make the tough decison and the unpopular one. talk to your mom and her dad.

Don't tell anyone- it's really none of anyone's business. She's 13- she's still finding out who she is. She told your son in confidence- don't betray him or her.

I think you need to talk with your step sister and tell her if she doesn't what anyone to know she shouldn't be tell others about it. You need to tell your step sister that she needs to talk w/your mom and tell her. You are keep something from YOUR mom and when she finds out she is going to be upset that no one told her any of this. Your relationship with your mom should come first.
About her being bi-sexual is something she has to figure out herself but in my opinion I don't think she really know yet. She maybe just wanting to get some attention from her peers. About the myspace account it is a very dangerous world in cyber space. Yes I know it like there in the real world but in the cyper world it's different you don't see these people and you can't protect your sister from seeing some of the stuff that goes on in there. Your mom has a right to know the truth and your step sister should not be asking you to with hold info from your mom IT WRONG. And it will create and wrinkle in your relationship.
Talk with your sister and tell her to honest with your mom. It is not fair to involve you or your son.
Hope this helps,
L.

Wow, I agree about not saying anything about her being bi-sexual. That is her decision to tell her parents. But at the same time if she doesn't want them to know she shouldn't be telling everyone either. I also agree that if you tell your mom before confronting her about it that she will fell betrayed and maybe ganged up on. Maybe talk to her about it first, and give her a chance to tell her dad and your mom. She is only 13 and it could be just a cry for attention. Or just confused. About the myspace thing. I have a 14 yo sister that has a myspace account. I watch very closely as to what is put on her page. You can't do much about messages that are not displayed publicly, but talk to her about it and just warn her to be careful, and not to meet anyone in person, outside of school. That's the best advice I can give. Good Luck and God Bless!!

I have a thing with my stepchildren, my godchildren, my nieces and nephews, and my students:

If it is a secret that will (or could) hurt you or someone else - rest assured I will inform who needs to know. If it isn't, then your secret is safe with me.

Under that rule, to me, the bisexual thing (which I swear about 50% of teenage girls think they are right now) is relatively harmless. The My Space isn't.

JMO

That is a real delima. Shes 13 she souldnt know what she is right now. Is a good that you and your son have such a close relationship, but I dont think that you should tell your mother about this. she confided in you son . Telling you mom my hurt thier relationship . Maybe you can get here to confid in you and help her tell her dad and her step mother.Knowing that she has support in her chose of life will mean alot.The my space account you shoule have told your mother about but you already agreed not to tell and to keep her trust you souldnt tell about that but maybe you could monitor her activity , or tell here its time to come clean now and that you dont like deceiving your mother. Try to keep he trust in you as a young girl in todays world she need it.
Good luck with what ever you may choose to do.

boy she is at a very sensitive stage....so whatever you decide just be careful. I would say if you are close with your step dad, maybe you should tell him first and than tell you mother. Unfortunately teens can be so sensitive and since your mom is the step mom.......I think it would hurt your mom if that is how your step sister started to treat your mom. Probably might be better if her dad approaches her about it than just your mother.

Tell, tell, tell! If you know something that is causing you this much concern I believe you should tell them. They need to know what is going on so it can be dealt with appropriately. If you tell them and they don't deal with it, then it is out of your hands at least. I hope this helps.

Right now your son trusts you not to tell anyone but if you do you might possibly ruin the trust you have with him. I would talk to your son and let him know to let your step sister know that it's ok to talk to adults who care about her. Her biological mom knows so if her mom and her sister know her and love her they will step in when they see fit. All she has right now is privacy and trust and you don't want to take that away from her or your son. That's just what I have learned. I have teenage brothers and they tell me things that I don't tell my parents. They know if there is something that Our parents should know I will tell them. My parents never did any kind of stunts behind our backs. They always trusted us and when we do have problems we share it with them if it's a huge problem. I hope this helps.

Hi T.,

You show a great deal of caring in bringing up this issue.

If your step sister is talking with you about other things, perhaps she will discuss her feelings about her sexuality with you, if you are open and supportive and patient enough for the conversation to happen without trying to rush things. As a mother and adult, you can encourage her to ask questions and then guide her to speaking with one of her parents. Know that she may choose to speak with her birth mother first. With your support and encouragement, she can learn a lot about the importance of discussing the bigger events and issues in her life with trusted loved ones.

Good luck,

Janet B
Parent Coach