Step Parenting

I'm a stepmother and wonder how you came to be the go-between for them. Maybe the husband had difficulty communicating with her and you kinda came to the rescue, not realizing that it would be permanent. (New wives and stepmothers tend to want to "rescue".) Maybe you were seen as the obvious choice because you are so good at keeping up with these things...and communicating about the kids. Your husband (and their bio mother) came to depend on it.

Because you live with the children full time, you have taken on the role of full-time parent. This goes with the territory. I wonder if it's a problem for you now because they are at a kinda irritating age...and they are not your biological children...and your bio child is requiring more of your time and attention...and maybe you just have times when you wish you could just focus on your bio child and your husband and not so much on the steps. Consider this: If you were biological mother to all of these children, you would sometimes feel overwhelmed and want your husband (or others, for that matter) to lighten your load. Because they are not your biological children, you feel like you have an out by saying that you are not their mother.

If they were your bio children, you would want to get all the calls. Well, consider yourself lucky--both bio parents give you the credit for the role that you play as full-time mother, which is what you took on when you married him. From your post, it doesn't sound like you have extra work, but only that it's getting to you right now. Maybe you need to take a little break. It shouldn't be permanent, though. Your "a little about me" speaks volumes to the difference you make between their children and your child. You're gonna crash if you continue to move forward with that attitude. You might not even realize it. Those are all your children...and siblings to each other. You are by law a stepparent, but in your home you are parent to three. If necessary, get some stepparent couseling/guidance for perspective, before it gets out of hand and does damage to your family.

There is so much we do not know about your situation. If you are the go between because you are the boss of your house (I do not mean this in a bad way, I mean the person that makes most of the parenting decisions), then this is a good thing. If you are the go between and your husband criticizes what your decisions are, then hand him back the responsibility.

It is always best of both parents in each house could be responsible. But I know in my house (I am not divorced) there is no way my husband could keep up with all of the information. Decide what is really driving you crazy. Your posts sounds more like you are just tired of being home with kids all day.

The good news? School starts in a few weeks. This will give you a break and allow you to spend time with your youngest child. Maybe it has just been too long of a summer since it has been so hot and we have all been stuck inside our homes so much this year.. Make sure next summer the kids have lots of activities so they have scheduled places to go and will not be bored and just hanging around.

Also remember these are all of your children. Your youngest child, loves her big brother and big sister as much as you love the youngest.. That is a powerful love, so you want ALL of YOuR children to be successful and have happy homes..

hi there.first off sorry to here u are havin this kinda problem.well if it was me i would want to deal with the ex myself that way u know whats going on at all times.for the kids you knew he had them when u got with him and u was ok with it at the time so there for u need to step up and be there for them and ur husband.dont let this run ur marrige be there mother treat them just like u would ur own child do not let them walk all over u and ur husband kids will try to play sides dont let that be the case.if ur hubby is doing something wrong then call him aside away from the kids and tell him look if i have to take care of them then i will treat them like they are mine and u will have my back.but what ever u do dont let the childern know there is problems that will only make the matter worse.i wish u the best have a good week

Not sure I understand what this statement means: "However things are seemingly going down hill and fast with both the kids and my husband." Are you fighting with your husband? Are there financial issues fueling your fights too? Is he non-participating in the kids' activities? Do you feel that he is withdrawn from the family? Are your step-kids ignoring your requests and authority, or showing you disrespect in other ways? Is he not backing up your authority as a parent with the step-kids? Sorry, but I'm not sure my response will have any value without fully understanding what you meant by that statement.

I will say this, birth to age 5 is demanding! Really puts strain on an otherwise healthy relationship. There have been several moments that I was ready to 'make some calls' and have it out with my husband... But, take a breath... I remind myself (usually once a month! aaah, NOT kidding..) don't even think about separation until your youngest is over age 5. Otherwise, this could be a temporary bump in your marriage. Give it time. You could be reacting to mental exhaustion as much as you are reacting to what you perceive as him being emotionally withdrawn.

As for communicating with his ex-wife... From what I've witnessed from family and friends (because I do not have the experiences of a divorce myself), direct communication between ex-spouses is often antagonistic. Perhaps she prefers to talk with you because it doesn't feel as stressful or hostile. Or, perhaps this is a sign of respect, in that she is acknowledging that you are the 'mama of the house' and assumes you would want to be directly informed of the children's activities and whatnot. I myself would probably prefer that everyone give the nod to me--I'm the mama, these children are under my roof.

Probably b/c you are a SAHM. I am too and I used to work outside the home so I've seen both sides.

When you area a SAHM (not that working moms don't do IT ALL TOO!!), I think most people expect you to handle the house and the kids.
This is an OPINION.

They not just your step kids, they are your kids and everything that goes with that.

Talk to your husband, these are his kids too and he needs to play a role especially if there are problems.
Maybe you should tell us what he has to say about it all.

Is he at work when most of the calls come in? Does his work make it difficult to deal with issues during work hours?
If it's at night or on the weekends, let him answer the phone when his ex calls.

Sounds like you have your hands full but anyone with 3 kids has their hands full, right :) ? Good luck.

It seems the ex-wife knows you are the one she can depend on, so she calls you. Your step-children are your kids now, and it is in their best interest that you do for them just as you do for your own child. They may sense the preference you have for your own daughter which is creating tension. But, they are still kids, and they need to know you care for them just like they are your own kids.

Hi C.,
Wow, I feel like I should know you! I not only deal with one ex-wife, I deal with two. Sometimes I feel bothered by the fact that I get the calls for advice, to find out when and where we will meet for visitation purposes, etc. I married my husband and he had one daughter that was 1 1/2 years who we picked up as much as allowed - sometimes even more than the court alloted times. Her mother is not a nice person to say the least - extremely hard to deal with. I think this is how I came to be the "contact" in the relationship. Frankly, at that point, my husband could not deal with her without an arguement and then I would have to deal with his anger afterwards - sometimes for days he would brood. After a few years though, I became resentful that I was dealing with her and he was not. I had to put my foot down and demand that he pick her up sometimes, that he take the phone calls when there was a problem and take some responsibility beyond paying child support. We finally have balanced the duties out. There are times where it is more convenient for me to pick her up (she lives out of town). I do not, however, deal with his ex-wife on any other issues concerning the child. She does live with her Mom and there was a time where I begged her to let us take her and raise her, because she was constantly having relationship problems, money problems, etc. and she refused even though she knew we could have gave her more opportunities. As it is still to this day, she stays home alone (she is 11 years old) and is more of a parent than her mother is. She has became a resentful, hateful child because she has been made to grow up much to fast.

SO!! Now for the advice - I am sure because you are able to stay at home that your husband feels that you have all of this free time to handle all of the business - child-rearing included. This is a common mis-conception that many people have. My advice would be to try and shift some of that responsibility to your husband. Talk to him and let him know how you feel - it sounds as though you are overwhelmed at times, and justly so. Also, if you have a good relationship with his ex, talk to her and let her know how you feel as well. As a Mom, she should understand. Also, make it plain that when she has them for an extended period of time that they are her responsibility and she doesn't need to call for every little thing - otherwise you will never get any rest. There are times where we get calls at bedtime when his Ex is fighting with his daughter about something - definitely something I can do without because it tends to disrupt my home. Unless it is an emergency or a valid reason such as school, etc. - I don't see the need for a call...I have had to tell her to DEAL with it. And I wasn't that nice either! So, keep in mind that you are not alone, and that there is a balance there somewhere. Husbands are funny - they will let you take on however much you want to sometimes without ever even taking notice that at the end of the day you are dragging! Take care and e-mail me if you need to talk! Sorry for the long response!
~K