Step Parent - Collinsville,TX

Stop nagging the child. He is already being punished and you are just rubbing it in...you are stopping by his room and basically saying "I got you in trouble, ha ha".

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I used to remind my own son WHY he was on timeout when he was 1-4. At 7, he no longer needs to be reminded. He knows. Actually at age 4 was when we made the transition. Since he knows... if I "remind" him... I'm just rubbing his nose in it. Which is petty and vindictive, and kiddo takes it that way.

I agree with your husband and my son..., which is why we transitioned away from the reminders. Just put yourself in the kid's shoes: if I was say, grounded... and the parent who hadn't grounded me (bio even) kept poking their head in to "remind" me... I'd want to rip their head off. Ditto a sibling. It's just plain rude.

I'd thank your lucky stars you DH IS willing to be the disciplinarian for your step son. Over and over and over a person reads that the number one best thing for a step parent to do is to be a mentor, but not the disciplinarian... that that role is best left to the bio parent.

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I think once his dad has already given him his punishment, there is no need for you to say anymore. You are basically nagging if you say more and you are also undermining your husbands punishment in the first place and that is rude and disrespectful to your husband(or the father, as you call him).

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He is your husbands son. You have to respect his wishes - he wants to be in charge of punishing his son. Follow his lead. There's no reason for you to continue talking to his son about it if his father has already punished him. In all honestly, it's your husbands decision, not yours.

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Hi C.,
I think it sounds as though your husband is being a responsible parent. Step or Bio mom, I think going in to 'remind' a child why they are being punished can create resentment. Plus I would be happy that my child's father was involved and in charge of discipline. In this day and age I imagine there are many books and websites with advice for blending your family. Also there are family therapists that help step-families navigate and establish the roles of each member of a blended family. I wish you good luck in working out your role as a wife and step parent!

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"This child" as you refer to him is 10 and can comprehend what he's done if he is told once. Why are you trying to drill it in him....it's seems that you are really trying to demean him more than anything. Also, why so you refer to him as "this child" and not your son?

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I just read "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child," and it was saying that once the punishment is dealt, move on. I used to be of the same thought you are- when my son would come out of time-out, I would ask him why he was there in the first place, etc. According to the author, this just reinforces for the child that the parent doesn't think he can do better or that he didn't learn in the first place. Which child interprets as: I'm stupid or Mom/Dad/whoever doesn't believe in me, I'm no good, etc.
As far as dad punishing in private, I would say whoever witnessed the behavior needs to be the one to take care of it then & there. I don't know how long you have been with your husband and stepson, but I know this is one it took a few years for my dad & stepmom to work through. In the beginning, we nor she felt she had the right to punish us because she wasn't our parent, but there comes a point when you realize the punishment needs to be swift and immediately after the incident rather than waiting for dad to be around to handle it.

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I have learned this lesson the hard way, and highly recommend you don't go that route. I have 3 step-children and we struggled with this for years. I had a good relationship with them but this area always seemed to cause problems for all of us. I was given some advice to not be involved in punishing them - to leave that to their dad. While I disagreed, we tried it and it made a huge difference. He always talked with me first about what he was going to say and do, and we worked that part out together, but he is teh one who implemented it and he let them know that I knew and would hold them to what he said. It works really really well.

Good luck, being a step-mom is a challenge but it can be really great also.

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Hi, I am a step mom to a 10 year old boy also. I find it very challenging and have struggled to find my place. My husband and I have disciplined him together in the past...sitting down at the kitchen table to talk to him and let him know that he is grounded. Recently, we have been having a lot of problems and while my step son often comes to me first when something is wrong. I really feel like me being in on the discipline may be doing more harm than help. I feel like since our relationship is good and has got better over the years but, has such a fine line and is often tettering right on the edge....that it would be in my best interest to let my husband handle it from now on. I agree with Dana E. Talk to your husband and make sure you all are on the same page about the punishment, have your husband let your step son know that you are aware and will enforce it but, let your husband execute it. Good luck! I am right there with you step parenting.

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I am confused as to what you think you accomplish by always being a part of this child's punishment. What do you or the child gain by you reminding him of why he is in trouble. When he is punished, doesn't his father explain why he is punishing him? If so, why do you need to tell him again? I don't understand why you feel like the father is protecting him from you. Is there more to this story than what you are saying, because I truly don't understand what you are getting at.

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This is a sticky situation, but, yes, you should let it alone.

You don't like being reminded of your mistakes, do you? You just want to shout at the person at work that keeps bringing it up to 'JUST DROP IT ALREADY!" Your step son probably feels this way. He may also feel that you are rubbing it in, like the little brother that laughs at the older brother behind mom;s back because he did not get in trouble.

I know it is hard to take a step back, but for your marriage and your relationship with your step son it will be the best thing. But also, tell your DH that you want to be included sometimes. These issues are often family ones and you should not be left out of that.

Good Luck!

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Finally a dad taking charge & disciplining HIS child, good for him. But I agree with other posts that you need to step back.

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ugh i would be so annoyed with you if you keept reminding me of what i did and it was wrong. espically more than one time. at the most you could chime in after the dad says the punishment or what you did was wrong and say " thats right". but let him deal with it. it seems like you want to be incontroll. i would totally miss the message you were trying to send. which is a great one that you support your husband and agree that what ever the kid did was wrong. but really who wants to be constantly reminded they really fouled up? :D

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I can't hear the tone with which you lecture, but I think you risk any possibility of building a mutually respectful relationship with this boy with this practice.

I expect that you intend to participate as one of the two authority figures in the home. And I'll bet that for this boy, you may come across merely as a nag or harpie. Any participation you have in the corrections would best be kept as a threesome with the dad, but if your tendency is to add your twenty-cents' worth each time, I can sure see why daddy would want you to stay out of it.

It's really hard to be a step-parent, as I learned when I remarried when my daughter was around 11. Step-dad was desperate for authority and respect, daughter was desperate for respect and acknowledgement of her individuality and strengths. She was also terribly conflicted by ongoing loyalty to her dad, which made it even harder for her to let my husband's "fathering" into her heart or mind. Things got much better when he let me handle most issues, and communicated with her mainly about issues that arose directly between them, which weren't many.

I hope you'll read the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It will help you and your stepson understand each other, and from understanding comes respect and cooperation.

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i agree with dad on this one. I have step kids and some good relations and others not so good. dont ask. but you can only be punished once in court you can't be tried for the same crime twice. I stay out of the discipline with the kids unless I just adaomantly think dad is wrong and then it becomes a parental arguement just like they were my own. I do not reinforce dad and If i disagree with dad its not done in front of the kid.

I know you mean well but doing what you are doing is going to make you the "bad step parent" in the kids eyes. You are going to have a hard enough time fighting the "bad step parent label" even if you are an angel. This is between them. stay out of it. I am not trying to be mean but all of my step kids are teens and I can see what is coming for you if you don't back out.

with kids and step kids you have to pick your battles wisely. You are not realizing it flaunting to the kid like "ha ha you got in trouble" Let dad do the majority of the punishing. The only time I punish my step kids is when the kids are clearly challenging me. Dad told me to handle this situation because they don't respect women and they need to learn all women aren't going to bow down to them. The only reason I punish this is because dad said to do it. If you think dad is going overboard tell him when the kids arent around.

back out now or you will be the evil step mom and stay out of it unless dad is clearly in the wrong which wont be often.

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In a child's eyes, especially a son, the step-mom is not the one he wants to be disciplining him. It is already difficult for him that you are married to his dad. He will only find another reason to resent you. If you want to build a relationship with your step-son, let your husband do ALL of the disciplining.

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You need to move on. The child knows why he is in his room, and if somone kept comming in my room and reminding me why I was in there it would make me very mad. The child may feel like you are picking....

As for your husband punishing his on child and not including you in it, that is how it should be and vis versa. You repremand your child and he repremands his. Somewhere down the line after good bonds are established you may be about to .

Maybe you could remind him of why he was punished after the punishment is over. I wouldn't talk about it while he is being punished.

Maybe you are attempting to let your step-son know that you and your husband are a united front, but this is not the way. It just makes him feel like he's being ganged up on. Let it go. By going in his room and telling him again after his father just told him you seem like you're nagging or patronizing. He's old enough that once is enough (he probably already knew he had done wrong even before the punishment) He already probably resents you a little just because you're there. You role as a step-parent is a tricky one. Let his dad hand out the punishment (and really at this age he needs discipline not punishment).

I would suggest that you as a step-parent should constantly be looking for ways to compliment your step-son on his good behavior. This will help him to see you in a more supportive role. It will let him know that you and your husband are "on his side" and want him to do well.