Step Mom Trying to Replace Real Mom

Not to scare you, but this is brainwashing and smacks of looking to ultimately kidnap the kids. I would absolutely get a judge involved ASAP!

Here's my suggestion. Take him to court. The court can MAKE him stop saying ugly things to his children about you. Make sure you take copies of all these ugly emails to the judge, too. If he doesn't do what the court asks, he can limit his time with the kids.

You need to talk to your lawyer about this woman purporting herself to be the kids' biological mother. I think that you can actually make it so that she cannot pick up the kids from school if she doesn't comply with the court's rules.

I think that the judge would be livid to hear that the kids have to call you by your first name at Dad's house.

Please talk to your lawyer about addressing this with the court. You may really need this later on when your kids get older. It seems to me that he is grooming them now to disrespect you and eventually give you a really hard time at home in order to get them to want to move in with him. And THEN he will demand child support from you. Do you want that? You had better take the bull by the horns now...

I agree with Doris Day. It's imperative that you handle this now. Talk with an attorney. Get a court order that outlines specifically what she and your ex can and cannot do.

My grandson's father has had the divorce decree state that my grandson cannot call his stepfather by any name that might indicate he's his father. That's really awkward in so many ways. My grandson calls his step-dad by his first name and accepts it when others call him "your Dad" but is very careful to call him David. He slips sometimes but quickly recovers. The relationships all around are respectful.

I would also be sure to let the school know you are Mom with custody and that they are only to give information to you and their father. I would also talk with the school counselor because the tension that your ex's wife is creating affects your children's success in school.

I urge you to keep your children out of the drama. Do not be critical of either your ex or his wife. Continue to be loving with your children. Answer their questions as simply as you can. Reassure them you are their mother and they'll always live with you. In the process explain the difference between birth mom and step mom. Perhaps suggest they can call you Mom and your first name and step mom, Mom and her first name. When they're with her. This was our arrangement with my foster daughter and her birth family.

I adopted my foster daughter and some of her birth family tried to undermine me. In the end I am Mom and her birth mom is Michelle. Love will win out. Kids know the difference. They are confused and the situation is difficult. Just hang in there knowing you are their "real" mom. You don't have to prove anything to your kids. You may need to limit your ex's wife's authority.

wow.

I would have been in a lawyers office and taking his rear end back to court years ago.

I agree with others! Back to court! Injunction! Stop the insanity! Sue for sole physical and legal custody. Limited supervised visitation.

Your kids are being mentally abused by their father. He is supposed to be the one to guide and protect them, not harm them. If he abused you, I'd place a bet that he is abusing her as well. It goes that she might be following his demands to keep the peace in the house. Either way it sucks. Your kids deserve better.

If your ex was abusive to you, and he is still abusing you verbally & emotionally, I wonder if he is also abusive to his current wife and she does these things as a peacekeeping measure. That doesn't mean what she is doing is okay, just that I think there is a bigger issue behind it.

Given the things you've described, I think your focus needs to shift back to your ex. This is the core of the problem. It is long past time that you take some legal action, so consult with a lawyer.

Welcome to mamapedia!

Why are you laying down for this? Take his butt back to court. Get an injunction slapped on him and his wife.

This injunction needs to state:

Neither she OR your ex-husband may force the kids to call her mom.
She may NOT remove YOUR CHILDREN from school without your permission.
Your children are allowed to refer to you as "mom" ANYWHERE.

Get an injunction. And if they fail to follow it? File for SOLE custody with supervised visitation. These actions are hurting your children.

Start documenting EVERYTHING. If you can record it - do so. that would mean giving your kids cell phones and having them record their father telling them NOT to call you "mom" and all the other things you say they are doing.

Good luck!!

You're not going to be able to "reason" with a psycho like this--trust me.
Lawyer, court, ASAP.
Read the advice Doris gave you again.
Good luck!

I would be in a lawyer's office like 8 years ago. If he is this way, he shouldn't have any custody or visitation with the kids because he is mentally unhealthy.

Aside from my suggestion to take his tail to court, you just have to do right by your kids. Do not bad mouth dad or the stepmom, do not talk about them at all in fact. Be the best mom you can be - and you will win.

I watched a friend do this with her ugly divorce 5 years ago and it has paid out for her big time. She had all of the nasty texts/emails she received, plus plenty of people who heard him talking the way he did...she never fought him for custory, just to be a sane person around their children. Courts will work with him to make him do right, and if he doesn't, he will lose custody of his children. Definiely take this "man" to court.

Well, the answer here is not cut and dried. I personally feel that unless the kids asked to call her mom, they should not have pushed it. If the remainder is true, like he tells you (and them) that they are no longer yours and have a new mom, then I would be looking into counseling for the children. I think that unfortunately your ex is unstable and he has married an unstable woman. I would also look into Parental Alienation Syndrome and see if what he's doing fits that bill. Courts vary as to how seriously they take those allegations. If your ex will not allow a private counselor, you may be able to talk to the school counselor. As far as taking the kids from school, what is the court order? My DH and his ex had joint legal and they could both designate people who could pick the kids up from school on their behalf, including myself and their then SF. Also, who is custodial? You did not specify the rotation. If they do homework at their dad's house, then do they spend 50% or more of their time there? That information would also be helpful. You may need to return to court to reduce his time with them and/or get court ordered counseling for them, as their behavior is emotionally abusive toward the children.

I all but guarantee that he's fed her a pack of BS about you, so while she is the one you are fighting with, he's the one at the end of the leash. She wouldn't be doing or saying anything like that if he didn't feed it or encourage it.

All you can do is love your kids, cultivate that relationship and of course be ON RECORD at school, the doctor, etc. as their actual mom.
The stepmom can call herself whatever she wants but as long as you are a loving and involved (and legal) presence in your kids' lives it doesn't really matter what anyone else says.
And if you don't have any legal custody? I'm not sure, get a lawyer!

Wow just were to start. First of all having an abusive ex I would love if there was some woman dumb enough to marry him because then at least there would be one adult over there that actually cares about them! I mean you do get your ex doesn't care? So this woman is trying to follow his crazy rules and make it a happy place. That isn't replacing you, that is doing the best she can to make 'your' kids happy.

The phone, what they call her, what they call you, all your ex so stop making her the enemy!

So she picks the kids up from school, so what? I am pretty sure I bonded with my kids giving birth and raising them. Providing taxi service isn't a bonding experience. Would you rather your kids be left at school until your ex can get them or you swoop in to save the day.

Please get a grip on your emotions because what you are starting to do is put your kids in the middle. My ex pulled that and guess who my kids want nothing to do with? I am not perfect but I put them first.

I lived through this experience, with my husband being the one being pushed out. The kids had to call him "Daddy Bill" and call their stepfather "Dad" and all the rest. I was "S." or "the b*t** that stole your father away from me" or some other similar statement.

It would be great if family courts cared about this, and sure go ahead and talk with a lawyer, but my take is that you could spend thousands of dollars to have a court say "so what, go figure it out". We were in court many times and none of this behavior was ever taken seriously.

Spend your energy on the relationship with your children instead. Don't react to these things with emotion, just calmly state "I know that you know that I am your Mom, so what you call your stepmother for now is not important". Say "I love you" a lot. Say "I'm sorry that your father and his wife waste so much time being angry." Say "this must be confusing for you, and I wish adults would always act like adults."

When you change your response, your ex may change his tactics. Now, he is getting exactly what he wants from you, your anger. It's more possible to get along with an abusive person if they see that their treatment does not have an affect on you. At first the treatment may escalate, but then it may decrease.

My husband's kids rarely talk with their mother now that they are grown. They figured out what she was about as they grew up. They came to live with us full-time at 14 & 16, by their choice.

Wow!!! I sure hope you have custody. Your ex and his wife sound like a real piece of work!

Completely agree with Doris.

Let me just add that it's a good thing to have your name programmed in their phones rather than "Mom"...same thing applies to other relatives including "Dad". There should be an "In Case of Emergency" contact and that clearly should be the parents since they are minors but titles should be left off. In the event they loose their phone or it is stolen, people can try to scam you by calling from their phone and calling or texting you and addressing you "mom". If your kids' number comes up and they call you by your name, you know something is fishy.

Wow, you need to document this each and every time. Keep a journal and a write it all down when it happens.

If the court order says he has the right to check the kids out that does not mean she has the right. Tell the school that if you let the step mom pick them up again you will press charges on them for allowing a person not on their list of approved people.

She shouldn't be allowed to do that. IF IF IF he has 50/50 custody though he can go check the kids out of school just like you can, for any reason at all that he wants. If he makes his own list there isn't anything you can do.

These are reason's I think 50/50 custody is a wrong choice.

I'd let the kids know that you love them and you don't mind if they call her mom, but they do not ever have to not call you mom. If they get in trouble for that when their at dad's that they can call 9-1-1 and beg an officer to come get them, to bring them home.

If there is any punishment at all for this they can "tell a grown up at school about it" and that will get an investigation going on dad.

There are so many devious ways to undermine her. Just don't say "you don't have to mind her, I'm your mom". This plays into dad's delusion.

Please research the parental alienation laws for your state. If the verbiage in the law applies to you, file a lawsuit.

All this stuff is probably your Exes doing. Not the new wife. Remember how he is. Like the other ladies said. Get a lawyer and find out if any of this stuff they are doing is iligal.