Step Kids with a Lack of Respect for Things

Hey there,
If you get any good responses please share them with me. My broyfriend and I share a beutiful home together and I work really hard to keep it up......His 10 year old can be a real spoiled brat and extremely manipulative......This whole thing has me really re-thinking the whole realtionship, but it really gets me to allow a KID dertermine how my life goes. :O)

If I was you I will approach the visits as a play-date. When we have a play-date we do introduce "the house rules" and my son already knows that every house has theirs rules. His friends already know that when they come in they have to take the shoes off and wash hands. Your husband has to step in too and follow the house rules. The right way to do that is to say: "In our house we do so and so...".Let them know what they can do instead and make sure that EVERYBODY follow the rules. They must be rules for everybody not just for your step-kids. Like we don't jump on the couch but if you feel like jumping we have an old mattress in the workshop where you can jump. Or this is a decoration and we don't play with it, just observe it. If you want to take a better look I can put it down for you and you can touch it but not play with it. You can get your kids to help by creating situations and showing how the house rules works. Make sure you will offer them something to do instead. Just act normal, step kids or not, they are kids and you should treat them as kids - with love and respect, letting them know what is OK and what is not OK. You can talk about that with your husband's ex and find out their house rules and way to enforce discipline.

Kids want to belong and be part of the family while they are at your house. It seems that maybe they are calling out for attention in the only way they know how. Frist talk to your husband about the ground rules, they should be no differnt for your kids then his. You do need to sit down as a family let all the kids know you love them and you want to try and be a happy family, if there are problems ect.. then anyone is allowed to call a family gathering to work it out or if they have a problem you both are always ready to listen, a good one is try and see if trading parents for a day will help.
Remember your kids are with their dad all the time and they only have him every other weekend. If possible try for more time together.
Also maybe try when something gets damaged,eveyone gets time out.
there are so many things and I could go on writting forever.
But always know that it is going to take a long time for those other kids to know they are not loosing there dad.
I am sure you have read alot about spilt families, put your self in their place.
I live in Seabeck
E Mail me for further help ____@____.com
All the above info is very good but you did not tell the kids ages

I'd say not to worry about clothes (buy them cheap so it doesn't matter if they get wrecked), and focus more on respect of people than things. If you respect them, they will want to respect and honor you. They will seek to please you more, the more you respect them. Love them and don't worry about the material things (within reason of course). If you can, keep them outside and keep them busy. You could get alot of projects done if you have 6 kids around every other weekend to help you! I've heard over and over that a step parents job is to support/back up the parent, but not to try to be a parent.

Bless your heart! This is a tough one! I am a fellow stepmom, and I can tell you what has helped me. It is challenging to try to behave as a family when things are so disjointed... children living elsewhere... other parents and household rules... the list goes on and on. The most helpful thing for me has been to simply remember how blessed I am to have a part in the lives of my husband's children, and he in mine. God could have brought us together after they were already raised and the dynamics would have been different. The other thing is to plan group activities for ALL of you to get involved in. This is tricky, because it costs time and (sometimes) money. We have invested in a trampoline, video game systems, and a fooz ball table. Again... the voice of experience here... it will be worth it! The kiddos all need to find where they belong in your family. I promise to pray for you in this challenging journey, God bless you and yours...all of them! :)

Some ideas:

*How is your (and his) relationship with the kids' mother? If you can work hard to make it a "group" effort, try to talk to her and see if there are some ground rules that would be helpful to have apply to your home too.

*Perhaps the kids are still angry about the divorce (and subsequently, your marriage) and they are acting out on it passive-aggressively. Maybe you could get a counselor on your own to help you understand how to help the kids adjust.

*Have you considered a family counsel? As in, all of the kids, you and your husband getting together on a regular basis (maybe every other visit?) to see how things are going with each kid, laying down/re-emphasizing house rules, planning family activities. Let the kids have an active, responsible part (age appropriate) and they'll be more inclined to participate.

Good luck!

OK I may step on some toes with this one BUT!!!! You are now a FAMILY~~ including ex wife, her possible new husband, you, your husband AND all the kids. If you have never been able to sit down together and discuss a problem, maybe now is the time to start. The kids will NOT magically learn manners and respect. They learn it from the ADULTS in their world. You can not do anything about what they learn in their mothers home but "together" you and your husband (their FATHER) can teach them in YOUR home. Start simple. First, you and your husband have to have a frank conversation with each other when the kids are NOT there to decide WHAT the result you want is! Make a list, set some guidelines for YOU and HIM. Practice the discussion...get ready. (if mom is agreeable or you can work with her, include her, if not, do it on your own.) Then sit down with everyone and have a talk. NOT A PREACH! Let them know that you both realize that this is a tough situation that they have been put in, through no fault of their own. Let them know that there will be a few changes going on because you love them and want them to be comfortable and welcome in your home, but that you have to be that way too for it to work. Let them know that you want to work as a team. You are all in this together but the present situation is not working. Set some ground rules like...no jumping on furniture, no balls in the house, I don't know....whatever works for the age and abilities of each child. And Step-mom.....as much as it is the pits....maybe for a while...the breakables that you love may need to hide in safety in a closet somewhere. Start small and praise and reward where it is due. Not empty praise...they don't need cheerleaders, they need parents and whether you gave birth to them or not you are now a parent. Maybe make a chart on the wall or a treasure chest with simple rewards that they can see a physical accomplishment....a good day, a chore done well, something like that. Try it and see if it helps. Be FAIR and Be Consistant. Be calm, take a deep breath and enjoy them for the wonderful beings they CAN be with a little direction. It is not boot camp, it is home, whether you planned it that way or not but neither is it vacation time and do what you want time for them! It may be best to have Dad start the conversations but you have to be there right beside him supporting and agreeing and he HAS to do the same for you. He divorced his WIFE, not his kids, and it is still his responsibility to teach them that rules are different everywhere they go but the rules in YOUR house are here to stay.

I have a son and then my boyfriend has a son as well. So I have a little experience in the matter. I have found that if one won't admit to the damage then all should be dealt the punishment. In time they will learn the truth is better then everyone getting it. Also, I have found that simple things like please, may I, thank you and proper table manners really do go a long way. It is respectful to you and to your husband. Maybe also some reminders that they are at your home and they are not allowed to treat it that way or they can sit on the floor. Hope maybe some of this helps you.

Good morning S.,

Whether the kids are your own or not, your rules and regulations should stay the same. You have to set the rules before them and if they don't respect that, there are consequences. You and your husband has the authority in that house and they should not have the power to come in and destroy things. Children needs disciplines and boundaries. If they don't know them, they will try to get over. What they learned is from us not them coming in to teach us things. I know this because I run a daycare and have lots of God-children that I raise. My rules stand the same for all. the consequences are the same for all even the 1 year old up to the 17 year old. The consequences level are different but they get the disciplines. They seem to love me more than if I didn't set the rules.

You and your husband may need to talk it out on how to enforce the rules. Be on an agreement and stand on it. You can't discipline your own children and not the others. Then your own children will resent you and not like the other children. Raising children is not easy. But lots of love will stir them away from being rebellious. Correct them with love and they will respect you and your things.

Love AJ

Wow sounds like my house!

I have three girls, one almost 20, one almost 18 and one who is 11. My husband has three children, 14,12, and almost 10. In our home when they come for visits-- (they are not that often because of the travel time, but are often extended by the mom) My troubles are with the youngest.
He has damaged furniture, vehicles, stolen, lied.

The solution to my problem and will be a great help for you is love and logic. I had already taken the class a year ago. I took it 2 more times they say the first time you are just getting used to the idea and the second starting to get it and implement some of it, the third is more of a bring it home I think I can do it.

I was raised more of a drill sargent and my husband is a helicopter, he likes to rescue and drives me crazy there is no consequence.

Yes blending two families is very tough, my middle daughter doesn't want to have anything to deal with him. She went to a boarding academy for 1/2 year and then came home. She is in the public school for the remainder and has chosen to return because of the atmosphere at school, the kids are not bragging of doing drugs or sex or showing off the babies they are having. She loves God and wants to have positive friends and look forward to home leave, she is a sophomore this year.

I told my husband because he had cut up grandmas couch cover with a pocket knife, (she lives at our home) He will not be allowed any knives(he loves them!!) He will go to a church members home and have to do some free labor to work off the replacing of the couch cover.

This is supposed to happen this week, so I am holding my breath because my husband doesn't follow threw and I am generally the bad guy. Not anymore with this one I will not do his meds anymore, Nor be the one telling him to get his homework done, his mom is a teacher and in the past has sent it in the mail as she extends week after week. Then complains after she gets them back that they were here too long and he did not get his homework done.

I don't have a magic answer as I could use one myself,
but check out love and logic online.
I found you can take the class through the foster parent website and it is free. www1.dshs.wa.gov/ca/fosterparents/ongoing.asp

Look for the books in your library.

Good luck mother of 4 girls and 2 boys. My 3 girls at home and his eldest son lives with us too.

Hi S.,
I am also a step parent to 2 kids, one is now 23 and married the other will be 18 this year. All together, we have 6 kids. He has two, I have three and together we have one. I have found that for good measure, you should have the same set of rules for all kids. If the kids that are living there are not allowed to tear up furniture or clothing than neither should the visiting kids just because they don't live there. You and dad need to have same guidelines for everyone. If the visiting children break the rules they should have the same consequences as the live in kids. for his kids...Dad should lay down the law and you should be the enforcer. for your kids, you should lay down the law and he be the enforcer. This allows both of you to be a united front, it treats all the kids equally and neither one of you has to be the disciplinarian of the other's kids. I have found that if a step parent tries to discipline a step child, it just creates friction between them...so you can just say for example "your dad told you to do your homework...and I've been instructed to take away your phone priviledges if you don't" that makes HIM the lawmaker and you're the police :) It also helps to eliminate jealousy between kids...you don't have the argument..."that's not fair, so and so doesn't get grounded when she doesn't do her homework...why do I?"
I have also found a website that addresses all these step family issues and more and it's been really helpful to me.

http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view/176.

This is full of questions and answers and advice for just about any scenario you might have. Hope it helps, it's been great for me.

I feel your pain ;), we've got 5 between the two of us. First of all, let me suggest the book "How to Win as a Stepfamily" by Emily and John Visher. It's a great resource with lots of suggestions/advice on how to run an efficient and peaceful household.

That being said, what we did with my boyfriend's children was sit them down and clearly explain the rules of the house. We told them that our rules may be different than the rules at their mom's house, but that while they were here, the need to follow OUR house rules.

Sounds like you have a few dynamics going on, so until you are comfortable stepping in on discipline issues, I'd encourage you to make sure your husband takes the reins on discipline when it comes to the destruction of property (whether accidental or intentional). Determine the rules and consequences with him, present them to the kids together and then have him implement the punishments if necessary with his kids.

Depending on the age of the kids, you could have a good behavior "star chart" and if they can make it through the weekend without destroying anything, they all get a treat. Three of our 5 are pretty young (girls 4, 5, 6) and they have a tendency to bicker, so we did a "nice girls star chart" and if they could make it through the weekend without fighting, we had ice cream sundaes before his girls went back to their mom's. That works really well for us.

Good luck, step-parenting is a challenge for sure.

Hi,

I have two boys age 13 and 8. I have two step daughters that are 11 and 8. It can be a challenge to be a step mom. I am lucky because my husband and I were married 5 years ago when the kids were all alot yournger so it makes the adjustmnet now smoother. It is hard though because the girls Mom does not train her kids. They are either left completely to there own devices suprevised by their 14 and 15 year old half sisters or Mom is acting as super mom for a couple days and trying to be nice. So they have no real training or discipline except when they are here. Their Mom is on man #4 and works nights so she sleeps all day. She leaves the older girls in charge ahile she works. All 4 girls are home alone all night in a crack neighborhood. It scares us. My husband and I try like heck to be consistent in all things. Bed time, meal time, play time. That way they always know what to expect from both of us at any given time no matter the situation. It has taken some time but vacation time is the best because we get farther with them and they are great the first couple times they come back then its starting over. there is no simple solution. Just be someone that loves them and is consistent. The girls have told me on many occasions that they wish i was their real Mom and they want to live with us. Unfortunately CPS and the courts just see us as not wanting to pay the child support. I have in the past had to sit them down when they first get here to remind them and my boys how I expect them to behave a treat our property. Then usually its just a quick reminder when I see them forgetting. Hope this helps a little but really its just going to take time. Sorry.
Have a good day
J.

Think about steps kids the way you would your kid's friend. If your kids had friends over for a play date, they would have to follow rules, right? That's the price you get to pay for being able to be part of any family. You as the adult MUST be in charge. You can't just defer to their father. You are the adult here. Too many adults do not set rules and expectations for children that are in the long run VERY benefical for the growth and development of the children. Do not be afraid. The less you treat your step kids like your own, the less of a real family you will all be. Build a relationship with them that is unique to you and based in respect. A huge part of respect is following house rules. Above all, their dad needs to support you. If you expect them to behave and their dad expects it, then they will. : )

First off, are all six kids the step kids? If so, or even if 4 or more are, maybe you could split the visit so you get half on one weekend and half on the next. You would have kids every weekend this way, but less to deal with at one time. They would benefit from more time with dad if there are less kids at one time. You must set the boundaries for your house. Your husband must lay down the rules and give clear consequences if the rules are broken. Kids want boundaries and will push untill they find some. Boundaries make kids feel secure, proper discipline makes them feel loved. They won't tell you that, so don't ask them. If they break something of yours, they need to pay to replace it. If they don't have any money, they can work for you or a neighbor to make the money. Make sure it is your husband doing the discipline and rule giving. You come up with the rule together, but HE tells the kids. They need to hear it from him. Also, he needs to do the discipline. They are his kids. Every parenting book I have read says that the natural parent should do the discipline and the step parent should not, but tell the natural parent what has happened and let them handle it. He must do this for you and for his kids. Good luck with that.
Blessings,
J.

PS If they can't treat your furniture respectfully, they don't have to use it. I told my son if he kept tipping his chair back, he would be standing at the table to eat his meals. It is after all, my furniture, I bought it with my money, and I don't want it getting ruined. He broke one of my chairs in time out, so he paid me the money that I spent on it. Natural consequences are the best.

Hi S.,

I have a step-son (who is 11 and is with us a little more than every other week) and a daughter who is 2. Super Nanny is a really great show with wonderful ideas...I always think about how she would handle difficult situations, so here is my (her) advice:

1. Establish house rules (either your husband and you, or the whole family). These rules are for everyone who is in the house at any given time.

2. Follow through with established consequenses when rules are broken. In my case, if my husband is home, then he disciplines his son (so I am not the evil step-mom). If I am the only adult, then I step in and discipline.

3. Remember to have fun as a family- activities together like picnics, swimming, sports will help build bonds and help them feel like they have a place in your home and are not just visiting!

Good Luck!