Step Daugther Dilima

Yikes, if I were going to give her anything, it would be a loan. With a low interest rate. Draw up some paperwork stipulating how much, when it should be paid off and the interest rate with a penalty for late payments/payoff. I'm going to assume she has a job??

I say....butt out.
You made it very clear that she is NOT your daughter, she is his. So let him make the decision on what he is going to do.
I love it how people always say, "Well...*I* had to suffer and by my own car (or some other random thing) so THEY must suffer too!! It's only fair!"
Life isn't fair sometimes. If he wants to buy HIS daughter a car, then you let him, because it's HIS daughter.
Your post really rubbed me wrong. You may have a valid concern, but the way you wrote it sounded pretty mean.

if it was your child, would you buy them a car? She's his child and you CHOOSE to be her step-mother. She is only 20 and deserves the same things you would provide your children. My son has a car that I bought for him and I pay his insurance (he's 17). Part of the deal is he drives his sister to school and helps with errands and the general running around.

She's been his family longer than you have or your other children. Now, you're going to be one household. Work together instead of fighting him. It will only cause resentment

Yes I think you are thinking all wrong about this. Before you had your 3 little ones, HE HAD A DAUGHTER!!!! Seems to me you don't like her being in the picture, and ruining your little family with your "own 3 little ones". Doesn't matter if she is acting the way you don't want her to, all kids screw up and do things their parents wish they didn't do. What matters here, is that she can call her dad and count on him for something. Don't ruin that by feeling aggression towards her and feeling that she is somehow taking away your down payment for your new house. You could open up your home to her and be a loving person in her life, and make a great impact on her, if you choose to do so. Or you could have aggression towards her and feel like she is somehow taking something from you, and have a crappy relationship with her for the rest of your life. Don't choose money over family.

Why the heck would he buy her a car she cannot drive. She gets a part time job, takes driving lessons and then she can buy her own car; not a new one but an old one.

If she moves in with you and proves to be very responsible, then I might agree to lend her money for an old beat up car.

Is she going to continue school or dropping out. How did she get around at school. Why all of a sudden does she want to move in with you? Is she not telling you something. I have a lot of questions.

Try to make your husband think with his head not his heart. Hope he is not trying to buy her affection.

I read your SWH, so I don't need to comment on the actual question, but I do want to say how proud I am of you for listening to others and really taking a look at the situation. You are very lucky, as is your step-daughter, to have such a good husband and dad. If he is willing to help his first daughter, then he should be willing to help and take care of your younger 3 as well. This is a sign of a good dad, and good for you for recognizing it!

Well - two things that come to mind... Why can't she drive? Was your husband helpful trying to teach her? My father was very big helping me learn. So is it all her fault she can't drive or she hasn't had much support? I also know that for some reason, kids aren't driving so young in some areas anymore. I don't get it. I was chomping at the bit at 15, waiting to be 16 to get my license. But I know kids who are super responsible and hard working who didn't get their licenses "on time". Second thing is when you married him, she was a minor and I consider any person under 22 to have a right to still be fairly dependent on their parents. And he is her father same as if he was still married to her mother and hadn't decided to have THREE more kids. If money is that tight, you knew that and still went ahead with 3 kids... You should have figured on him still helping to support her. $1k is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of college. My best friend is a step mother with little money and they still spend on her step daughter who is about 23 now... I do understand how you feel but these are things you have to remind yourself of. She is still his responsiblity just as your 3 kids are his. 20 is not old.

Try to be a bit more understanding. While you have a valid point about her being an adult, she is still (and always be) his baby girl. She is only 20 (not even old enough to drink) and is a student who doesn't have her license....she is still a dependent...she does need her parents (that includes you).

I understand not wanting to dip into your home's downpayment but getting upset is not going to help. Sit down and talk to your husband about how you can both help but within reasonable parameters. How long is she looking to stay with you? Summer break? longer? Establish house rules such as if you won't be home by xx:xx, let us know you are safe and/or plan to stay where you are. Are you willing to help teach her to drive and once she gets her license then help her with a car?

What struck me was your comment about "we have three little ones of our own"...she is "of your own too". While not biologically yours, she does belong to your husband (and you by proxy).

She is part of 'your family' so you should try to treat her as such.

I am a StepMom to 2 wonderful boys...and we bought them each a car when they were Seniors in HS. It's not unheard of for parents to buy their children their first car, ya know?

Are you saying you won't be buying your kids their first car? If that's the case, sit down and tell your husband that, that that is your plan and try to come up with an alternate plan...like how you will be driving her back and forth to school or the bus stop or what have you.

You have raised some very good questions. You are going to have to make compromises with your husband and present a united front in dealing with his daughter. You sound very resentful of her and of your husband wanting to get her a car. I think you see her standing between you and the house that you want to get. You both have a lot of things to discuss. Let's see - she can't drive so she would have to learn how, what car is she going to use? Who is going to teach her to drive? Who would pay for insurance and gas and maintenance for the car. Maybe she needs to get a part time job or a full time job over the summer to help with the costs? Please do not resent that he has given her money for college. A thousand dollars is not a lot of money on a college education. The choices she made may be as a result of immaturity and poor planning. I would have her take the Dave Ramsey course for college students which would help her learn to budget and be responsible with her money. You need to discuss a long term plan if she comes to live with you- is this short term or long term?? Is she going to continue her education? who is paying for that. Good luck! Make a list of all the good things that can come out of this- you would have an extra pair of hands at your house and an occasional babysitter, your kids could have another family adult to treasure them, you could help your husband guide his daughter to adulthood, etc.

You're on the right track setting up ground rules for her moving in. I would go the same route with buying a car. Don't get upset that your husband is looking-instead make suggestions for ground rules there. When my mother purchased my first car I was responsible goth the payment and insurance. I had to have a job and prove that I could pay both.
You should be more understanding, but also understand that she does need your support. Times are much tougher now than they were when I was younger. I encourage young adults I know to stay with family as long
as they can.
Just be the voice of reason for your husband so that he doesn't blindly trust.

I bought my own car at her age and paid all my own bills. Make sure you have ALL the rules before she moves in. Good Luck!

If you are in the process of buying a house, as in you are currently looking or currently under contract, he should not buy her a car using a payment plan, ie credit. Each credit report check can go against you and your credit rating.

If he is going to HELP her buy a car, or buy one that she pays back, then it should be older, and pay cash. If you can't pay cash, don't buy a car.

What about lessons? Who is paying for that? What is the process in your state? In VA, you have to log hours in a journal, drive for a certain number of hours/months on a learner's permit, with an adult driver in the car.

Who is going to pay car insurance? Has she checked in to how much per month that is going to cost?

You are being understanding enough to allow her to move in.

I have a grown stepson living with us and I also have a small daughter. I understand what you are dealing with.

What you need to do is talk to your DH. You can say, "I appreciate and understand that you want to save SD. But she's 20 years old and she's already proven that she can't handle things that are just given to her. I will agree to have her living in our home but there have to be conditions. Not just for her but for the sake of everyone else. We are not a bank and we have 3 smaller children to care for. This is about limited resources and we must prioritize them. If she moves in to save money, then she can buy her own car."

What my DH sometimes sees my reaction as is "she doesn't like my bay-beees" when the truth is I just see that they are NOT babies and can fend for themselves. Right now my SS is close to having $5K in the bank. Please do not look at my bank account, as I had to pull from another savings account to pay my bills last month. So the way I see it, if he can save $5K, he can move out in the next 6 mo. or less. He is not helpless. Heck, he can buy ALL his own groceries, but that is not a fight I won. I did get DH to agree to charge minimal rent.

I would keep talking to him in real budget terms. Lay out the budget. You need x for the movers and x for this and x for that. There is no money for a "want" like a car for SD.

Last year, my DH and I got into a disagreement because he wanted to buy both sks cars. Turned out, he couldn't do it. He had promised me that DD would be able to attend preschool and after looking around and realizing that "cheap" cars were not so cheap, he only got SS a car. SD doesn't truly need one for her campus job. I put my foot down. He was NOT going to sacrifice our baby girl's schooling for a car. A car is a "nice to have" - and also comes with care and feeding requirements. If she won't pay for her own insurance, gas, or maintenance, then it becomes your burden. If you wouldn't buy a new car for YOURSELVES then she doesn't get one.

Ask him why he feels he has to buy her these things and why it is more important to buy them than to encourage her to be independent? The answer may be telling.

The answer may also tell you that she shouldn't move in and/or you need to consider family therapy.

There are books out there that call this "emerging adulthood" and equate it to adolescence. I call it "excuses not to get out of the house and act like an adult."

ETA:

IMO, "taking on responsibility for" your stepchild doesn't = being a doormat or a blank check. Where is her mother? Can't she cough up something for the car instead? I sometimes have to remind my DH that even if BM is lazy on the follow through/support, she exists and can be another resource for HER children. I signed up to be a stepmother. I did not sign up to be an indefinite provider for two grown people. Even my own little DD will be shooed out of the nest when it's her turn.

If she currently can't even drive, then that needs to be priority. My sks both had to take driver's ed that we paid for (mandatory to take a class). Buying a car when she can't drive it is cart before horse stuff.

And having your parents buy you a car, pay for your food, let you live in their house, pay for college - they are all NICE TO HAVES when you are an adult. I bought my OWN first car and paid my OWN way through college. Even if you were her mother, no prefix, you do not "owe" her anything like a car, especially under these circumstances. It's not about her being a stepdaughter. It's about her being an entitled brat.

I completely understand how you feel. I think you guys have to sit down and discuss this. He's going to give money to his child. That's a fact. You two together must come up with a plan on how much and out of what money that will be.

Also, she's an adult so you cannot expect her to obey any rules. That is going to just make life harder on you. She's an adult. When my daughter stayed with us for a while I told her I didn't like her coming home and making a lot of noise after midnight so if she was out and it got late she needed to stay with the friends she was with. That was I was not even interested in "if" she came home at night by a certain time or not.

You guys need to discuss some limits though....like she can have the laundry room on Wednesdays. Other than that she can't pop a top in the washer and dryer on high and waste your resources.

So since she's a college student I assume she's just out for summer break. That would give you a definite cut off date for her to move out. That would mean the earliest move in date for fall she would be moving out. That makes this really easy to endure.

If you learn to be a friend to her and not try to be her authority figure then you'll get along a lot better. I would say unless YOU want her driving your car to learn how to drive and then borrowing it every day to do her class then she has to have some sort of car at her disposal.

I mean, how can she learn to drive without having a car to practice in? Unless you don't mind her taking yours to practice in?

See what I mean? Hubby's sort of on the right track here.

I bought my own car when I was 17. My dad signed on it for me. I made all the payments. I think they paid my car insurance for me. I would not buy my daughter a car UNLESS she earned it! Which, in this case, does not sound like your step daughter earned anything. Sounds like she gets everything handed to her by Daddy. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

As far as her moving in, be understanding and help her get back on her feet. As for the car, no you are not wrong. she is 20 years old and can get her own job and her own car. I would stand my ground on that, or suggest to your husband that AFTER she has her license you guys could help her out with X amount of money, but no more. Find a number you are both comfortable with.

Instead of telling your hubby he shouldn't buy her a car, tell him you want to sit down together so you can figure out how you CAN buy her a car. This way you appear to be helping him.

Then, bring in all the finances, including what you need for moving and a down payment. If he can figure out how to do both, then great! My guess is that he is NOT going to be able to do both.

The whole time you need to be helpful and positive. He needs to see for himself that you can't afford the car, and you can't be the bad guy or he won't listen.

Fathers really want to be the heroes to their little girls. They often can't see their little girl's flaws, and may be carrying around a lot of guilt. You won't get anywhere by being the "Evil Stepmother" but you can lead him quietly to the right decisions.

The idea is to be on his side, and help him figure out the right things to do.

Wow. You need to tell him that either it's you or it's her. I would not allow her to move in with you.

What is wrong with your husband? He gave her school money and she spent it on partying, and now he wants to buy her a CAR?

Do NOT buy a house with this man. Instead, take the downpayment and put it in your name. He's going to bring this grown woman in your home and you'll end up moving out.

Read this MP thread:

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/8659234426997440513#re...

Time to teach them both a lesson about responsibility.

Apologies for responding late since you already have answers, but I had to give my two cents. :) (I will start by saying I have a 21 yr old son who is mine and I am in a similar situation. He moved out at 18, was back at 19+. I gave him a car to use for school/work only - it's been almost 2 yrs. He's chosen not to save for his own car will lose car privileges on June 1. If I don't follow through, he will never learn responsibility or consequences, so it stinks, but that is how it goes.) Back to your situation:
It sounds to me like you don't have an issue with DD, just with the rules surrounding her. I think that you and DH need to talk and make sure you are on the same page. I don't think it's a bad idea to let her move in, but a car before a license (or job) is putting the cart before the horse. If DH is looking at cars now, is he going to let her drive unlicensed? Is there a car you own she can just borrow when she's licensed, for school or work only so you have some control? If you pay for the car, who's name is title going to be in? Are you willing to take on the responsibility for an accident? Once she is driving, is she going to have any responsibility for the car, i.e., insurance, maintenance, etc? If you make the rule that she has to maintain a certain GPA to drive the vehicle, will DH hold her accountable and take the vehicle if she doesn't keep her grades up? What happens if she moves in and doesn't follow the house rules?
I think whatever decision you make about the car is an ok decision if you two are in agreement. You and DH need to be on the same page so when she doesn't follow the rules (what 20 year old adult/child wants to follow house/car rules?), or disappears with the car, or doesn't come home or call one night, you are both in agreement about the consequences and DH is going to enforce it, because you will have no power to do so and fights about it it will affect your family and your marriage.
Good luck!

You aren't going to change his guilt about his daughter, but you can take your own steps to take care of you. My husband is forever giving money to his family and they use it on well, stupid things when we are hearing about how they are starving in another country, but they are able to Facebook with new pictures all the time and they are at well, 'places' all the time-that cost lots of money and we don't even do that, but in this case he feels bad because he isn't there. However, they are still always starving and always need money. Back to daughter; you are certainly right and correct how you feel but he feels guilty. That in mind, you work hard to save and then you watch it flutter out your hands into hers. So...once again I am saying this, start your own tiny account that will grow somewhere even if it is in your socks drawer if not a bank and put twenty or ten dollars a week and save it for ever and ever. That will be your avenge. And have it ready for what you think is qualified as a necessity. So often people need to feel empowered somehow. We are not all helpless little people we are strong women (and some men here, I know, I know) who can live our live on our terms. And perhaps that's just with the teensy savings you start with. Good luck!! I'm afraid you are right, but won't be changing hubby too much.

You have several things going on.

It's one thing to give to your kids because you love them. It's another thing to give stuff to an immature 20 yr old who already lied about how she used your money.

It's one thing to support your kids when they are young and another to do it into their 20s. College grades? Can't drive at 20?

It's one thing to give an older child money for a car and another to access money set aside for a different purpose.

How would you feel if this were your oldest child in a decade?

I bet you are going to need many more rules set up for your SD so every lazy thing she does, doesn't set off WWIII. This is the kind of thing that breaks up families. Seek counseling.

Well I would make the car a loan. She can't work without transporation so expecting her to buy a car without a job that she can't get to because she doesn't have a job...well you can see where this is going. My suggestion would be that if your husband wants to buy her a beater car, he should hold the title and set up a payment plan so that she pays him back, just like paying back a loan. Another alternative would be for her to apply for a car loan with him as a co-signer, but he'd have to be prepared to cover the payments if she doesn't make them or he is risking his credit. In either case, if she fails to pay as agreed, he sells the car and keeps the cash. This way she has transportation, learns to pay a bill, and because she has transportation, can get herself a job to start paying for this and other expenses.

My family (parents, grandparents, and aunt) all chipped in to buy me a nice, used car for while I was in college. But I could only use it while I was in school and getting good grades. I don't know what would happen if I hadn't gotten good grades or stayed in school, but I'm pretty sure I would have had to get a full time job and pay the car back. As it was, I had to get a part-time job and pay for all the gas and stuff.

But she doesn't even have a license? So you're buying and insuring a car that can't even be driven?