Step Daughter Acting Out - Makawao,HI

Updated on July 30, 2014
A.G. asks from Makawao, HI
8 answers

Our family dynamic is unique. My husband has 2 girls both from different relationships. One is 17 and lives with her mother on the mainland. We live in Hawaii. She visits us in the summer and for Christmas. She is a very sweet and loving girl. The other one is 11 and lives with us but visits her mom every other weekend. We also have a 3 1/2 year old son together. Our 11 year old is constantly trying to "mother hen" her little brother. She is disrespectful to him and rude a lot of the time. I am constantly on her case about treating him with respect. I notice he mirrors a lot of her behavior. The oldest one is home for the summer right now and treats her brother so nicely and has a lot of patience with him. He absolutely adores her. This of course makes the 11 year old jealous. I do not play favorites but because the little one needs more attention, he gets more of my time. I try to take time out for each individual child to spend time with each of them alone. The 11 year old of course tries to show off in front of the 17 year old and has recently started swearing in front of her. I have never heard her swear, ever! The 11 year old seems to be somewhat narcissistic and thinks she's better than everyone else. We do not act like this in our household so it's really disturbing to my husband and me. I've talked to her about her behavior so many times. Her dad has talked to her about her behavior. She's had her ipod taken away (the love of her life right now) and she continues to act out. I'm at my witts end!

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So What Happened?

First of all, I'm not at all surprised the middle child is acting out. I do appreciate all of the replies I've had so far. To clarify, she is in tap and jazz dance. We have daughter / mommy days a lot when time permits. I do disagree with the approach of not using the word "respect" because this is what we are trying to teach our children. She does know the meaning of the word. Also, I would never ever tell her to act like her sister, in fact I told her just the other day that she doesn't need to try to be her because we love her as she is. I was really looking more for advice from other stop moms that put their whole world into raising their step children to feel loved. This is a personal goal of mine since I did not have a very nice step mother.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Some of the 11 year olds stuff is probably hormones. She's getting to that age. My 10 year old is starting it too. It's CRAZY!!!

The following is ONLY because she lives with you full time and you need to heal this relationship.

I suggest you take her and just spend a whole day with her. Do stuff she likes and don't act bored, try to shower her with attention. This is a hard time for her. She needs you too. She may also be portraying her mother, is her mom mother to other children? If so this may be a sample of how she talks to them.

Otherwise it's time for dad to take control and have a talk with her, he could spend some time with her too.

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L.L.

answers from Dover on

I suspect that as both the middle child and the only one that has to juggle back and forth so often, she is acting out. There could be various reasons but those are probably what spurs it. She may not like the juggling, she may want more time with her mom and/or her big sister (especially now that she too is almost a teen). Maybe she's struggling with being older and not a "little girl" anymore...she wants to be grown but wants to be a kid...not at all abnormal.

I would suggest more attention on the good, correction but less attention to the bad, and lots of patience.

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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Sometimes when people have an unusually easy first child (your 17 year old), they have unrealistic ideas and expectations about what 'normal' kids are like. (They also over-congratulate themselves on their amazing parenting, until not-so-easy child #2 comes along to knock them off their pedestal, but that's another story.)

Sibling rivalry is normal. Give her a consequence for swearing (like taking away phone, as you have, for some short period of time).

I don't know what you view as "narcissistic," but narcissism is pretty normal in pre-teens and teens.

From the examples you provided, she doesn't sound that terrible to me. I think you and dad should up the time you spend with her, and stop comparing her in your minds to her atypically easy sister.

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

She's sandwiched between a perfect teenager ("sweet and loving," "treats her brother so nicely and has a lot of patience with him" etc.) and a kid barely out of toddlerhood who "needs more attention" because of his age.

So she's left to do whatever she can to get attention from you, from dad, from older half-sister and from younger half-brother. While it's not an excuse, it IS an explanation, and it's an explanation you seem to be overlooking. Yes, you say that you try to give each kid individual time alone with you so they get attention and while that's positive and smart of you, it's not always going to be adequate for this girl, at her age.

Please check into some parenting books that describe "ages and stages." On here, a lot of us recommend books for understanding younger kids' stages but we don't often think about what kids your stepdaughter's age are going through.

In her case: Try to think like the 11-year-old a bit to gain some perspective and compassion. To her, the cool, sweet older sister is both someone she desperately wants to impress somehow (hence the cursing, because impressing Big Sister negatively is still impressing her, right?) and at the same time, someone who gets to swoop in twice a year and be a perfect delight to the adults when younger sister knows she, herself, isn't always delightful. Have you ever said to the younger girl, "Why can't you be more like Older Sister?" If not in those words -- have you or dad implied it, or held older sister up as a paragon of "sweet and loving and patient with her brother"? Please take care that you don't. That might work with a young child but not with a girl of 11 - it will only set her against the idea of being anything at all like her sister.

Also, she is out for attention versus her younger brother, who is still at a cute age. I wouldn't ask a kid her age to give a child that young "respect" -- I'd put it more as "Stay out of his hair and he will stay out of yours." Separation, not togetherness, is sometimes best for a long while when the kids have that big an age difference and the older one knows the younger one is going to get the lion's share of attention. Again, try to see him from her perspective. You say she's a mother hen (and seem to mean it negatively, so I take it you mean it as "bossy") but be sure -- Do you ever expect her to look after him? Ask her or tell her to watch him while you do an errand or chore? Again, take care that you're not telling her she's expected to care for him as part of her sisterly duties, then nagging her when she goes overboard. I truly would be sure that they do not have too much togetherness, period -- both because it will reduce the bickering and because the 11 year old girl deserves to have some things and time of her own, without little brother in tow (or older sister getting all the attention "because she's only here a few weeks each year" etc.).

Does the girl have activities that are hers and hers alone? A hobby or two? Does she have an outside, non-electronic, non-school activity such as scouting, a drama club, a dance class, marital art, a sport, art, whatever? If she does not-- please consult with her and let her choose something to do, and support her in it loud and long and without letting things get in the way. By that I mean: She shouldn't hear "Brother has kiddie soccer so you have to shift to another dance class" or "Sister's in town this summer so you can't attend the softball team picnic" and so on. Maybe she already has activities; if so, sorry, I'm just wondering if she has something all her own that she's good at and enjoys. If she does, or if you help her find that something and support it strongly, it could help.

Finally, please, please be aware - I'm speaking as the mom of a girl of 13 here -- what she is doing is totally, utterly typical for any girl of 11, even the nicest ones. They all go through times of seeming "somewhat narcissistic." They are still the centers of their own universes (as is any younger child) but they are also stressed by the slow realization that they are not the center of everyone else's universes, and they don't quite know how to process that. So they boss younger siblings, and try to impress older ones, and generally flail for mom and dad's attention -- and yes, even if she is using negative behaviors to get your attention -- she is still after your attention.

Point out every little thing she does right. Even things that you, as an adult, feel should be "stuff we just do every day that doesn't deserve a special thank you!" Give her more attention than you think she needs. Be sure to encourage her to have her own friends her own age over to do things, and offer to take her and a friend someplace, without brother or sister along. It sounds like coddling, and in a sense it is -- but she is feeling lost in the middle here.

And when she does things that are clearly defined as beyond the pale, ensure that she knows in advance what the consequence will be and then make that consequence happen without fuss or "getting on her case." Swift and clear and known in advance by everyone including her --that's how the consequences need to be. But spend much more energy and time finding things she does right and praising them.

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I.O.

answers from McAllen on

I don't know how long you have been married or how long you've been in the girls' lives. You don't say just what your husband's role has been, and that is key. Sometimes--as a step-parent--your reach is just limited. It's not a judgment, but a biological fact, especially when their mothers are very much in their lives and there's no maternal void to fill. Although they are girls and you can relate to them in a way that their father can't--and, of course, you are an equal parenting partner in your house and want to actively love them--sometimes your role is ONLY to help reinforce their relationship with their father. It's hard to think of yourself as an "equal parenting partner" and take a backseat, but as a STEP-PARENT, that is part of the job. Sometimes there is NOTHING that you can say or do because it's not about what you're looking at. Sometimes it takes that biological parent to forge a healthy connection between/among siblings. There are many faces to this, so I'm not saying that you should physically dwell in the shadows.

Your role in your home might have you spending more time with the children than your husband does, and that is reasonable. However, when it comes to how HIS children relate to one another, he might need to lead that charge. It sounds convoluted--going through him instead of just directly from you--but stepkids tend to respond better to knowing that their biological parents are at the root of directives to them or decisions being made about them. It's a precarious position, being a stepmother and loving them and taking responsibility for their care in the way that WE know how to mother and not necessarily seeing how THEY need to be parented.

By the way, narcissistic adults tend to be people who learned very early in life to toot their own horns or speak to their own importance, because the people in charge of instilling a healthy balance of self-worth dropped the ball somewhere and they were forced to over-compensate. (That's not a criticism. We do the best we know with our kids and don't know how it works until we see the effects later. Each kid needs something different, so they could all receive the exact same care and have all different results.) It's a sign of a deficiency. Maybe you can respond to that tendency in her with compassion instead of punishment. She needs to feel important, and everybody's making her out to be the bad guy for it, which only reinforces her need to promote her own importance. This likely calls for some intense one-on-one time with Daddy, to help her not to go down that road.

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G.D.

answers from Detroit on

No offense, but that sounds like pretty normal acting out. You should either find her an activity or sport that she can do (where the rest of the fam can cheer her on) or start carving out some special time for her. Maybe a mommy daughter or daddy daughter paint class? Something that caters to her individual interests. Maybe have a girls night with you and both girls for bonding time.
It's sounds as if your reactions are good so far (taking away privlidges).
Being the middle child's not always easy. I make it very clear to our 10 1/2 yr old that privileges, friends houses, and outings/sports are dependent on her behavior. She is also in counseling and one of her goals is to stop being so bossy. I also remind her that I have no problem calling her mother and letting her know if her privileges have been taken away.

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K.H.

answers from Richmond on

the 11 year old is jealous, jealous that she is not the center of attention like the baby and jealous of the older child, as well. and she acts up, by picking on her little brother..ship the 11 year old back to her mother for few months, that way you arent constantly dealing with the kid showing off in front her older sister by swearing, and picking on her little brother because she is jealous..let the kid be someone elses problem for a while. she might grow out of her "i am better then you attitude"..and she might not..unless she is shipped back to her mother, and/or, if you dont want to pay for her plane ticket, get her out of the house for a few hours every day by volunteering her to help out at the nearest shelter, a kid that age isnt gonna see how well they have it, until they see someone who doesnt have anything living in a shelter. K. h.

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M.S.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Hi Stepmom! The 11 yr old sounds like she is struggling/ hurting inside. I recommend trying to build your connection with her even though she is pushing you away. I would try and spend more time with her. Perhaps she is feeling insecure for a whole variety of reasons, hormones, blended family, peer trouble etc. Hang around her more and see if she will start to open up about what her internal world is like. I know it is really hard to keep trying to engage a difficult kid but hang in there! Best of luck, Fellow Stepmom

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