Step Daughter

If mom is not willing to compromise, I hate to tell you, but your hands are tied. You cannot control what she does at her mothers. My husband and I are in the same exact position. I have a step daughter who is 14 and I have been in her life since she was 3. We have a 3 yo too. It is tough when dealing with an ex that has no parenting skills, but think how your stepd feels. It is really hard for her to go from one extreme to the next. One home has responsible parents that discipline and the other is a free for all. She is 15 and maybe you and your husband need to let her do little more, trust that she will make good choices and keep faith you have taught her to make those good decisions. Trying to talk to any teenager is tough, but keep trying and maybe give her some space and more privileges. She is getting older and probably feels you are suffocating her and she is angry about that. Try to look at this through her eyes and not the mothers. Make this about the stepd not the mom.

HI T..This is such a difficult situation.I don't agree with someone's response for you to stay out of it.You've been in her life sinse she was 3 and she is every bit your business because you care and I'm sure you love her. Her mom doesn't know how to be a parent. She is brainwashing her and has a very SELFISH way of parenting. Trying to get your teen "on her side" will never work in the end when she gets a little older. You can't talk to the mom and you really can't 'punish' her for her mom's parenting & what she does when she is over there. All that you can do is TRY, & never give up trying to teach her right from wrong. You can both tell her how wrong it is to lie & stand your ground with this boy by doing what you're doing & not letting her with him while with you guys. Keep showing her love by including her in your family events & going places with her.She will respect you, whether she shows it or not.Her mother's parenting, as you know, is not love. When you love your child, you protect her from harm, which would be preventing her from going in this boy's car. But instead, she doesn't care. She doesn't want to have to discipline her~ & that is not love. The only other thing you can do, which would be very difficult I am sure, is fight for custody.My parents divorced when I was very young & my father remarried to a woman who ultimately became my mentor (and I call her mom now too!). She does everything for me.But when I was a teen-very different.My mother let me do whatever I wanted when I was over there.I hated my father & stepmom's rules & was very rebellious.The difference is my father had full custody of me.But my father and stepmom cared for me, taught me right from wrong, & always did fun things with me as a family (they too had a child on their own).My mother just wanted to be friend & in the end, it didn't work.Now that I'm an adult I realize that my mother really wasn't caring for me & now I am so close with my dad & stepmom.I don't speak to my mother at all actually.She didn't come to my wedding & she is a very bad alcoholic.I hope you both get thru this, but I know you will.Just keep at it & you will see things get better.Good luck!

Hi T. - It sounds like the mom is making bad decisions that will effect this child the rest of her life. It's a very small leap from what is happening to her being pregnant... And then what?

Seems like it is time to document everything, get a lawyer and go get this child forever and for good.

Good luck!

T.,
Why not try it their way--- With a little child psycology---Since she knows you don't approve of her dating at 15--esp. a steady boyfriend. Tell her you want to give him a try--start inviting him to dinner, out with your family on the weekends, get to know him--maybe he needs just as much guidance as she does. By being on her "Side", maybe you can get into her head, and his---and nip the problems that come up. Just an idea-----good luck. I know it's not the ideal setup, but at least she is apart of your family. My stepdaughter is 25, and her upbringing was by her Mother/best friend--and her father was looked at as nothing. My husband has tried everything to be apart of her life---Her mother has alot of issues--she is estranged from her family---and has alienated my husband. So, even though it's hard, I admire that you are giving it your all. Take care

My advice to you is to get all of you in Family Therapy as soon as possible. If her mother won't go, you and your husband need to encourage your step-daughter to go with you. You cannot control her mom's behavior, you only have control over your own. Ideally both houses should be communicating and setting the same limits but since that isn't happening all you can do is to try to repair your relationship with your daughter. I have a 17 year old and am a single mom and her dad's house is much the same as yours and even with us communicating frequently (I have never lied to them but my daughter has lied to both of us) there have been issues due to the going back and forth from one house to the other. We had a very similar schedule as you did up until my daughter attempted to run away. Then we went to full week at each parent's house and although that has helped she is still caught between 2 worlds and I think sometimes it is easiest to just shut one of those worlds out and accept the other. There is a book called "Between Two Worlds" that I'm reading now that explains very compassionately the feelings that children of divorce experience when they have 2 different environments they grow up in. Also, if you can get the mother to join you in Family Therapy I would recommend you all reading "Positive Discipline for Teenagers" to get on the same page. There is probably value in both approaches and you all need to come together to decide what is best for your step-daughter.

Good Luck!

I liked Lorrain's advice... after all, it IS about the child, and there's nothing you can do about the mother. Kids aren't stupid, they know who cares for them, and getting closer and more involved with your stepdaughter will be of great benefit to everyone involved. :)

Instead of letting her just sit around and watch TV or reading while she is at your house for visitation, why don't you and your husband take her somewhere? To the movies, out to dinner, even just for a ride to get ice cream or to the mall. She will balk at first, not wanting to go with you, but then she will feel you are at least trying to get to know her as she's getting older and becoming her own person. And how about telling her you know about the boyfriend and how about inviting him along? At least this way, you will get to know him! She's going to see him whether you like it or not, so you might as well try to get to know him, and he can get to know you and your husband, and both teenagers will know that you are interested in them.

T.,

I don't mean to be blunt so forgive me if this is:

You need to stay out of it, this is not your issue -- period.

You need to let your husband deal with this issue, and he should deal with it between him, his daughter, and his ex. Because you are the "step" parent, unfortunately, you are automatically the "enemy" to your stepdaughter and anything you have to say, she will do the exact opposite, until you both earn respect for each other - and at her age, it probably won't occur anytime soon.

Your role for the time being is to be her friend - go out shopping, movies, etc, and you both need to figure out a way to create bond between you and her.

Any step parent who tries to discipline will most likely fail - from your SD point of view, you are the replacement of her mother, and she is probably having a time dealing with it.

You should talk to your husband, and tell him he needs to deal with it and work it out. Unfortunately you are in a no-win situation if you are going to try to discipline her.

Does this mean she should disrespect you? No she should not - but again, her father has to instill this in her, you can't.

Good luck to you and please keep us posted!!!