Step Daughter

I know this can be very tiring for the whole family, but your daughter DOES NOT need to be with a mother who doesn't put her first in her life. I think it sounds like your daughter has anger issues with no place to vent. My youngest son had a cutting problem in high school. After much counseling, we found out he didn't feel that he had a "voice" in his life. He needed to be able to express his feelings, and know they were being heard. We never realized he felt that way. We did the same things with him that we had done with his 2 brothers, but he needed a little extra time. With having 2 sisters, your step daughter may feel that she is not being heard, and she may need to be on anti depression medication for a while. Our son was older, 17, when we went through this, but he has grown into a wonderful man, a father of 2, and has a doctorate in computer science. He still has the scars on his arms from his cutting experience, but I think it reminds him of a time in his life when he felt he wasn't being heard. I guess I would say, bottom line, don't make her feel that she will be sent to live with a mother who doesn't care about her because she doesn't behave like her 2 sisters. She is trying to get your attention, even if it is negative attention, she is testing you to see how much you love her, don't let her down. And, bottom line, choose your battles, don't sweat the small stuff. Keep the punishment equal to the crime, is it truly a major offense? If not, just express your displeasure and move on. Good luck!!!!

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We just recently also got full custody of my 13 year old step son. i have two younger boys (6 & 4) & am having issues with my stepson being rebellious, stealing from us, rummaging through my things, lying & being disrespectful. The biological mother is having mental issues & basically abandoned my stepson on our door right before xmas & we're still trying to go thru the courts to get my husband checks to stop getting the child support from being deducted. so not only are we struggling financially to support this new mouth to feed, we are paying for him to stay with us. He was flunking school when he was with his mom but even though it's only been 4 months ~ he's passing. We struggle every day & have decided to take one day at a time with him. I suggest keeping her for some of the time over the summer because you guys are being viewed by her as the bad guys for keeping her on her homework & bedtimes & dont get enjoy the relaxation of summertime. Her mom gets all the benefits. i know you look forward to her being with her mom during that time but i think the benefits will outweigh that part. You need to have the fun part especially without the school work.
I was so glad to read about your story & made me feel like i wasnt alone! I would love to hear from you again.

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I have a fairly similar situation with my step daughter. She is 11 and is living with us full time all year. Her mom blows her off all of the time and for a long time she hated me for it. I have a brother in law who used to counsel troubled teens who gave me a lot of advice. Unfortunately, since we are pretty much the only mom they have it is our fault their real moms aren't around. Mine hasn't tried cutting herself but already she is very dependent on boys liking her and has a very hard time keeping real friends because she is just mean to people. (Her real mom is the same way) We have started doing a forced family fun day doing activities that we pick out together. No friends, just the family. You would be surprised at what they will open up about when you are doing something fum next to each other. We still ahve our battles because we have a lot of rules she doesn't like, but she now will talk to me and her dad more about the things going on in her life, even her feelings about her mom. I was amazed at how spending more time with her has changed her angry feelings some. We have also gotten her involved with activities she enjoys to keep her active which is a mood elevator in itself. Mine loves the feeling of accomplishment she gets from playing softball and it gets rid of some of that pent up aggression. I hope this helps some! Good luck!

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Hi R..
Raising a blended family is really hard. My 3 oldest childrens Dad is not and hasn't ever really been in the picture. It is hard on the kids and I have to agree that 13 is just the beginning.
There is one thing and that is you and your dh have to be strong, and UNITED in front of all the girls. Especially the the 13 year old. Her cutting herself is not personal, towards you. It is a silent scream for herself. Its kind of hard to explain, but it is something for her to do besides striking out at someone or something else when her anger gets to strong for her and overcomes her. I'm not condoning this behavior, just trying to help you to understand it. She feels like a piece of garbage that has been thrown away by her mother. I'm sure she also feels like that you and dh would all be happier without her.
You need rules, and discipline and you have to stick to them. You don't say what happens when the battles take place?
We had them here. My daughter is 21 today. I never dreamed that she would ever turn out to be a self sufficient person either. She still has some problems, but some of that is because we didn't handle things the way that I would handle them now. She was the oldest I had 2 younger than her and after trial and error, believe me staying strong is the only answer. You have to let her know that she is important to you and dh also. Take time out for her. At 13 she needs a little 1 on 1 with you. She'll probably try to be a little snot at first to see if you are serious, but you you have to be strong, let her know that you are, and that there are still rules and consequences for bad behavior.
My now 15 year old tried all of that kind of thing also, but loving him through it and sticking with the boundaries was all it took. He is pretty well rounded now and the only thing we have problems with is his schoolwork. A little incentive on telling him there will be NO DRIVING if his grades are not better and all of them passing has hopefully done the trick on that little problem. He might test me on it and if he does he will find that he isn't driving until his grades are passing. PERIOD!!
I'm kind of rambling, but know that you are not the only one to go thru things like this.

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I know that you have her in counseling, the cutting thing is an addictive behavior. Your body releases endorphins kinda like morphine when you cut yourself. As you probably know it is a big fad with girls this age. And perhaps she is depressed. My daughter is doing same thing. She is in counseling , on antideppresant and am planning to get her in excerise with me to help the endorphins to come naturally. Maybe this may help you. Good luck B.

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try a couple of books--parenting the out of control teen- it has a work book with it also--that should help--and then active parentng of teens--another good book and or series is love and logic books--by--fay try these and see what happens--there are some places that offer parenting classes- depending on where you live--that you might look up--I am nto sure why she is not with her mom--but maybe counseling wth both of them might be great--she is at an age where they want and need their mother--no matter what kind of mother she is she is probably a very confused little girl--and that is ok--they all are or a lot of them are at this age-- tellher taht this is so! and that might help--being ok with that is important

Take care
ME

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High I dont now that this will help or not and I dont want to scare anyone that reads this.!There are little gangs , clicks or whatever you want to call the little groups now.Anyway there are some called Emo Kids.It is short for Emotional. I dont now if that is her or not but it sounds like something you might want to check out on the internet.There is alot of info out there on it but nobody seems to want to talk about it.Some things on it are cutting.We had a info night on it and internet bullys here at our school and SADLY only about 2 or 3 parents that were NOT teachers showed up.I hope this info will help.Good luck!

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Hello,
My daughter went thru that stage as well. I have raised her on my own until I got married about 4 years ago and she was cutting herself. That was only part of the problem. We found out she had been having problems with other girls in school just because she is so nice and a very pretty girl who gets along better with boys than girls. I took her to counseling and she went in there and talked to her on her own without me around and after awhile she didn't need to go anymore and stopped cutting herself. Maybe try counseling first and and then maybe you can do family counseling as well afetr you find out exactly whats going on. Good luck!!

This is a tough one R.!! I too am a step mom, and for the longest time, my step daughter and i did not get along. Do you have any problems with her, or is it just her having problems with you? I will confess to you that I hated being a step mom, especially when my biological children were around because I thought my husband paid more attention to her than to the rest of us. And I will tell you what I did to change all of that and it didn't happen over night, but it is world's better. I prayed about it, and felt that God was telling me I had a choice to make. Happiness, or bitterness and hatred. I have been through two divorces and do not plan on going through another one, so i chose happiness. And let me tell you, it is a choice I have to remind myself of daily. It has help with my depression, my work, and my relationship with my step daughter. She is a wonderful 10 year old, and she cannot help the fact that her parents are not together. I want to be her Rock, someone she can depend on and talk to when no one else is there. I especially just want to be her friend, and now I am. So that is why asked you the question about who has the problem; you, her, or both. Admit the problem, confess it to each other, and move on with happiness. CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!!!