Step-Grandma Advice Needed

I wrote a very lengthy reply to you then before sending it I read your little note about yourself and I started laughing.
Your son is 2.. even pediatricians recommend not giving time out before age 3 because toddlers in general do not grasp the concept of time out anyway.. My husband is a pediatrician and when I told him about your post he said toddlers in this age love to play "make believe" and they usually copy the actions of the adult around them, so if she is mean to him he is just copying her actions without even understanding them! he is a baby for God's sake and she is being illogical and MEAN..
I have a step mom and I truly understand what you are going through, sit them both down and say I am sorry you think my son is giving you such hardship and i appreciate your offer to help me out with him but I don't want you to go through any trouble with him. so, from now on when we visit you guys we'll be together so I could be a "buffer".. it's your role as a mom to protect your kid from any harm either emotional or physical and if you feel someone is harmful to your kid in any way, you just cut him/her out..
kids who throw tantrums are not mean kids, they just lack the communication skills to tell us what they want. Also kids who refuse to nap, eat, bathe..etc
My kid has been crying non stop for the past few days, and my husband is in a conference. he was slamming doors, throwing food on the floor, he did everything that could drive an adult crazy and I was crying all the time. today, i took him to the DR. and it turned out that he has an ear infection. To your step mom he is rude, mean, and probably a brat but the Dr. explained that sometimes when they are in pain they act out because they are frustrated.. I know I babbled a lot but your son is 2, they did not call it "terrible two's" for nothing, kids are angels. It is we who are mean

If you're concerned about your son's safety when he's with your step-mom, then you HAVE to talk to your dad. Your son's safety has to take a higher priority than hurting your dad's feelings. Your dad is an adult - he will understand this.
If it were me, I would speak to my dad alone - without the wife present and lay out my concerns. If he refuses totake them seriously, then tell him that you don't want your son spending time with her - you're the mom, and you have to do what you feel is best for him. If your dad sees that it's THAT serious an issue for you, he may take it more seriosly. If he won't then I would tell him that he and his wife are welcome to come to your house to see your son (where you set the rules and can call her out on inappropriate remarks/behavior), but that he will not be spending time at their house anymore.

It's up to you to PROTECT your son at all cost!

You always have to put your child first. It seems you are already doing just that. Don't be afraid to take up for your son. If you feel he might be in danger then take action to stop anything from happening to him. Tell your father how you feel and let him know that you do not feel your son is safe being left alone with her. If he is also a problem tell him that. It is better that they be mad at you than to let something happen to your son. If talking doesn't work then take action. Don't leave him there by himself. They will get the point or they will deal with supervised visits. Never be afraid to do what's right. You are MOM!

If you are concerned about your son's safety then by all means all you have to say is you are so sorry, you have other plans when they ask for time to be alone with him. You can do things together but if you can't find the words to say no then maybe you can find the words to say "let's go honey, we have to get to our appointment" them slip out and they hopefully will be none the wiser. If you really want to approac them I would talk to someone that can help you work through your feelings first, whether it be a counselor, pastor, friend or other family member.
Hope this helps out,
C.

If I were in your shoes, I would talk to my dad alone. Find out why she thinks what she does. (I am sure your 2 year old is doing nothing that other 2 year olds aren't also doing.)

He (and ultimately she) needs to know that you can't correct a problem unless you know about it. If they won't tell you, then don't worry about their feelings, etc. - they aren't open to you and you have no requirement to be open then to them.

Again, your son is two and a gift from God. Everyone should cherish gifts from God. Good luck.

Hi A.,
I am a grandmother to 9 including 2 step-grandchildren. I feel like she may be a little to harsh on a two year old, although they can really be a handful! I don't know how old the lady is, it may be that she raised her children differently? People our age, did things a little different.
My motto is, if you do not feel your child is safe, do not leave him alone with that person, no matter who it is. It seems a bit unfair that she refuses to discuss the problem with you, you might explain to her, that your relationship with her, will suffer, if this silence continues. I have a daughter-in-law, and I feel that my relationship with her is very important and also has a bearing on the children. I hope I have shed a little light on your problem. Let me know if you need me again.
Sinserily,
Gramma A.

He is a 2 year old little boy. You are around him most, so if he was abnormally mean, you would feel it in your heart. You might not want to admit it as we moms love are babies unconditionally, but you would know. You don't even mention anything to that effect, so I am betting he isn't at all mean. Just an active little boy.

If your parents won't talk to you or listen, then just don't allow the situation where he will be alone with him. Decline if asked to let him stay. Hopefully, your dad will notice and ask. Then he will be more interested in listening once he realizes you are going to stand your ground. YOU are your child's advocate...he will need you to stand up for him all through life. Family or not, you still have to watch what is going on for him with everybody. Good luck

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It is a shame that she can't just love your child. I get a bad feeling about her just from reading this!!!

If your "Momma Alarm" is going off, there is a reason! God gave it to you so you can protect your child. You do need to talk to you father and step-mother, set some ground rules and be FIRM. Tell them your son will not be visiting them if you don't feel he's safe with them...and you don't!! If they don't take you seriously, then that's their problem, not yours. Stick to your guns and protect that precious child of yours. Do not leave him in the care of that harpie!

God bless and take care.

Chris H.

You've been given sound advise. Your child is in your care it comes first. Your a grown woman with a child and your not obligated to save dad's feelings. I would only speak to my father on this issue because your step mom isn't going to get it anyway. Your father may receive what your saying and understand but he may only hear and understand what his wife is telling him. Very common thing. Thats hard to accept, but your son needs to know that your going to protect him. To be protected and to have the security that you can give him. If you have to stop the time alone with them then so be it. The pedi's wife gave really good info on 2 yr old. Good luck and pray up that your dad will receive this issue positive.

There's nothing that bothers me more than negative people who never seem to look at the good things in life. Often times if you get alot of negative comments from loved ones, its usually just their weird way of letting you know they care. This may be the case here, but she's kind of directing it towards you too. The fact that she thinks people don't say anything to you about your son's behavior just to be nice is wrong and ridiculous. What she needs to understand is that your son is only two years old. Most kids misbehave at that age! She's taking this way too seriously and needs to relax and realize your son is not a grown-up. Sit them both down and stress to them as much as you can how important it is to you that they let this go, because when they make comments to you that aren't true they're insulting you and who wants to hang around people who make you feel bad? And if they try to "correct" your son he's going to realize fast they're not very fun to be around. If your step-mom still won't listen, then open up to your dad and tell him you love them but the negativity is really hard to bear and its making you not want to be around them. If they care about how you feel then they should make an effort to either keep the opinions to themselves or be nicer about it. Harsh people need their eyes opened every now and then, they probably don't intend to hurt feelings but they need to see things from other's perspectives and realize everybody else is not like them. Especially children.

I, too, had a harsh step-mother. Actually, she was just plain mean. Your children come first and it is your job to protect them. If you worry about him being with them then don't let him go. When they ask why explain it to them. They will either understand and change their ways or not be able to be with their grandson. Do not let them make you feel guilty. Again, you are responsible for his protection and must make sure no one can hurt him in any way. Why she would think a 2 year old has a mean streak is uncomprehensible unless he is outright displaying the behavior. She obviously has issues if she is so harsh and has to point out a supposed flaw in a 2 year old.