Step-daughter and Absent Mother

Therapy, yesterday. We're in a very similar situation with my 14-year-old SD. Her mom sent her to live with us "temporarily" last year while she looked for an apartment near us and then moved to another state, then moved again to a different state to live with a guy. She's only an hour away but doesn't call, text, or visit. The only time SD has seen her mother in 14 months was when she came for 2 hours on her birthday, which her mom made a big deal about and then disappeared again.

It took lots of time and many therapists to find one that SD would talk to, but it has made a big difference. This isn't for your SD to feel like she's a freak or that something is wrong with her, but for her to understand that she had undergone a trauma (abandonment and separation, repeatedly) and needs to process that trauma in a safe place so that she can heal and live a full life where she experiences a full range of emotions in a healthy way and will be able to have healthy relationships with all of the important people in her life. Once my SD started talking, it really only took a few months of weekly sessions for her therapist (who is also working with our other kids) to say that he only needs to check in with her once a month or whenever she feels like talking to him.

My SD still has a tendency to isolate herself in our home. She does a lot of solitary activities like drawing, painting, web design and listening to music and is surrounded by three brothers and doesn't participate in their recreation (hockey, video games) so we really have to make a conscious effort to include her in things and draw her out. I have to deliberately invite her into the kitchen to help with dinner, or suggest that she bring her laptop into the family room so that she can be on-line but with us. It's tough at this age because the solitary thing is a normal and age-appropriate phase, but for kids who are dealing with abandonment, it's important to be deliberate about connections. Our family therapist has been helpful with suggesting ways to stay connected that aren't intrusive and don't make her feel like we're violating her privacy (like offer to be the one who drives her and a friend to the movies, invite her to join me when I go to the gym, my husband takes her to boxing and kickboxing and watches her classes etc.).

The simplest answer I can provide would be to seek professional counseling and start having her and you meet with a family therapist. I would think that deep down she feels abandoned by her mother, no matter how she talks about her...but kids almost never want to think of their parents as deadbeats and want so badly for them to be their heroes and be the parents that they want (and need) to be that they sometimes don't want to face or accept reality. She's got a lot on her plate - her bio-mom doesn't want to be a full-time parent, her bio-dad is deployed, and she is expected to see you as a parent figure because you are the only stable adult around, so I can imagine she may have some abandonment issues and other confused and angry/depressed emotions. It's no wonder she is jealous of your daughter, since your daughter gets to have her mom be her mom, the way she should be. I would have her attend counseling alone, as well as with you, so you both can build more of a relationship together - from the sounds of it, you are the only mother she really has right now.

She's been through a lot (so have you) and she's at a critical age. Some of her current behavior is mostly likely related to her age. She may also think/feel that you like her mother has her half sister, you too have her half sister and she may feel like the odd man out (especially since both her sisters have their respective mothers with them and she "stuck w/ you"). I don't mean that negatively, but that may be how she feels. Have you considered getting her to see a counselor? Can you get a sitter and have some one on one girl/mom & daughter time with just the two of you? Talk to her?

Therapy as was said - like yesterday.

If your spouse is deployed there are MANY options for getting her help call or go onto MILITARY ONE SOURCE.
http://www.militaryonesource.mil

Poor kid, that's lots of stressors and abandonment going on. You're not "hurting her feelings" by showing her you care about her and think she could use some support. Recognizing how much pain she is is an act of love that she needs.....

"Yes I have been thinking about therapy or counseling but how can I introduce it? I don'twant to hurt her feelings....."

Don't worry about hurting her feelings, she can talk to the counselor about it. Tell her you know she's sad because dad is gone and mom isn't calling. Tell her you know she's uncomfortable talking to you about it, and that's ok. Tell her sometimes in life it helps to talk to someone who will listen to us, and guide us, and won't judge us. Then set an appointment and drive her to it.

I agree with the other posters. This is more than you should handle alone.

She has a lot of anger and frustration. Her father is deployed again. I'm an adult and I worry about our friends and family who are deployed. Further, her mother isn't the mother she needs her to be. She dropped her off at 9 yrs old and then didn't take her back when she picked up her sister. She lives in a home where her other sibling gets both parents. She's put her mom on a pedestal because she can't deal with the reality that her mom isn't terrific. I'd be surprised if she WASN'T angry or depressed.

My SD does see her mom and we went through a time where DH was bad and BM was great - even attributing things we did for SD to BM in her own mind. It was hard. Around 16/17 she started seeing things more clearly. We did not badmouth her mom (though we were sooo tempted).

I think that you're not doing anything wrong per se. It's just that her issues are bigger than your abilities (or hers) and that she resents you for your place vs what you do/don't do. She (and maybe you as a family) need counseling.

I suggest you talk to DH. Then you find a resource. Then you (or him, via skype if possible - I know it depends on where he's stationed) tell her "SD, weI know you're going through a lot right now and have made an appointment for you to talk to someone." And then take her. It might be a relief to talk to a third party.

It's hard to deal with, but not dealing with it gets you this cold house and sullen/hurt child. You say you can't live like this, so you have to do something to change it.

You also need to figure out what's normal teen and what's not. My SD still spends a lot of time in her room - listening to music, texting with her friends, doing homework. The difference is when she's out. My SD interacts with us and yours doesn't. Just offering perspective that some of her behavior maybe more generic 15 than an issue related to all this.

Counseling is probably the best bet (but I am biased--I am trained as a counselor). You could encourage her to express her feelings creatively like by keeping a journal, doing art or music. If you can get her to spend time with you one on one it might help (offer her a few choices of things to do and let her know the option is still there if she doesn't want to at first). You could try Big Sisters or informally find a female younger adult friend/relative you trust to spend time with her. Include her in family activities as much as you can.

Also, don't criticize her mom (kids want to love their parents even if the parents aren't doing a good job). Try not to say anything negative and if you really feel you have to say something criticize the behavior not the person. Eventually she will have to make sense of her relationship with her biological mom for herself but it will likely take her much longer than just her teen years to do it.

It sounds like you need to bond. I'm sure there are books and websites how to help you with that. The subject would be blended families or bonding with stepkids. I was a step mom too and we bonded great together, right in the beginning. Without her knowing it, she will warm up to you. Wish you luck.

Oh, sweetie... the point isn't to not hurt her feelings by suggesting she go to therapy. The point is to help her cope with her already-hurt feelings by going to therapy. She has a disinterested mother who for whatever reason is limited to being what she is, and it's not your step-daughter's fault. But what young girl can blame the mother? Your step-daughter is probably blaming herself and probably feels like she's unlovable even though you've been a good mother to her. I hope you tell her often that you love her and are happy to have her as a "bonus daughter." I hope you take her on some one on one mother/daughter days out. I hope you trust that she loves you and knows you've done well for her, but doesn't have the words to express her gratitude yet. Her anger right now is probably hitting the easy targets, which are those who she feels safe around... those who she lives with and loves and knows that love her back. And yet at the same time she's probably thinking, "If my own mother doesn't want me, doesn't love me enough to fight for me and keep me, then no one must love me."

Her Dad needs to try to keep in as much contact with her as he can through writing, e-mail, phone calls, as often as he's allowed and tell her every single time he contacts her that he loves her. When he's home he needs to be with her one on one and reassure her. She's got to be feeling broken and abandoned with both of her parents "gone." She's lucky to have YOU parenting her.