Step-children - Seattle,WA

Disney mom. My son has a Disneyland Dad so I know all too well what that's about.
All you can try to do is have a good relationship with the girl. You are not trying to replace her mother, but you are the adult in your house. She needs to be respectful of you and vice versa. 12 is a hard age as it is and even bio kids go through not so pretty phases. Try to reach an understanding with the girl and you might be surprised that as time goes on, your relationship will improve.

I know with my step sons I just told them, "I'm not your mom, I don't want to be your mom, but I am your dad's wife and while you are at my house we do things a certain way. It's not better than your mom does it, it's not worse, it's just different and there is no reason for us not to get along."
Surprisingly, it worked out pretty well.
Being a step mom isn't easy, for sure.

I wish you the best.

What is a Disney mom?

I don't have stepchildren, but I grew up in a home where my sister and I had different Dad's (our Mom was married to my Dad). Having watched my sister struggle with her identity as a kid and the outcome as an adult, I thought I could add a different perspective.

She's a kid and she wants you to love her. She's 12 - of course she told you to back off but she also probably doesn't want to be "disloyal" to her Mom. Her birth Mom's obvious about why she'd rather you not be a parent and I'm willing to bet that Dad is too worried about being the bad guy for "replacing" her Mom that he's doing more to help create the canyon that's being built between you two than really finding a solution that works for everyone.

As an adult, I have now been able to speak openly about how my sister felt without getting defensive about my very existence. But she felt really lost because the family she had no longer existed and she didn't feel like she fully belonged in the one that included my Dad and I. This was ground zero - meaning, it didn't matter how my Dad was, that was where she was coming from.

So what do you do? I would treat her like the grown up she's longing to be (at least for the purposes of this conversation). Take her out to lunch and pedicure's yourself. Not to compete with her Mom - just because it's something that can be a distraction but offer opportunity for a real talk. Take her to lunch first and talk to her as if she were an adult. Don't talk down to her like she's still 4. Be honest with her (without the negative stuff and NO BLAMING ANYONE - she will only want to defend her Mom and stop listening to you because it's her Mom and she will love her regardless of Disney tendancies). Such as:

"I wanted to take you to lunch today so we could have a girl chat about our little family - your brother, me, your Dad and your Mom. We are all a family. It's important for you to know how much I love you and [don't use the word 'but' - it automatically discredits what you just said] I'm feeling like you and I are having a hard time lately. I was hoping to get your thoughts about what you want our relationship to be."....

"I know that I'm not your Mom. I do love you as much as your brother though and I love being able to be a part of your life. Sometimes we are going to argue and sometimes I'm going to have to lay down the rules. But that doesn't mean that I'm trying to replace your Mom. It means that I'm treating you the exact same way I would treat your brother. Because we're all a family. You, your brother, your Mom, me and your Dad. We all love you and we all want to help your grow up. So you tell me - how can I help you grow up? What can I do that would make you feel better?"

It doesn't mean that you HAVE to do what she says. But if you actually listen to what she's saying, she'll feel respected and open up.That way you're not left trying to guess what she wants. You'll have a baseline and the proper background to assess why she's acting the way she is. Some days it will be you, some days it will be the cute boy in Math class. You don't know.

Good luck!

Like your husband I have custody of my kids for much the same reasons and with my late wife we had a blended family how we handled things were we did not use the word "ex" we were a family and as husband and wife we supported each other as parents to each others kids. My daughter, now 16, seen my wife as her mom even though her bio mom was a Disney mom. She was there to guide and to discipline. You need to talk to husband and get his support in you being a mother figure to his daughter otherwise tension will build and that isn't food for anyone. Get him to realize the important thing is that his daughter has a real mother figure in her life. Don't get discouraged by any resistance by the daughtet, she will learn to she can trust and rely on you and appreciate you. It won't happen overnight but it will happen. And that is what being a parent is all about.

I have two step sons (13 & 7)- both from different mothers so i get the double whammy! :) I have been around for about 5 years. I let my husband discuss all big decisions with their Moms (he does consult with me) but they do the big decision making.

One of their Moms (the oldest) i don't have much contact with, unless its sports season. We get along very well during Football season mostly because we see each other often. We are friends on Fb and it pretty much ends there. My husband and her have had a rocky relationship so i stay back to not start conflict. There isn't a set visitation schedule so he maybe comes to our house a night a month or so.

The younger one is a different story. I could consider his Mom a good friend, she is a Disney Mom. We have a wonderfull relationship, constant contact all year round. We have him every weekend, and in the summer we switch she has him weekends we have him weekdays. We email every day, she usually talks to my husband about things, then follows up with me (since he is forgetfull or doesnt get all info). We go on over night trips (due to football) and holidays together. Its weird i know but somehow its not weird for us, we are all good friends and my step son benifits from it.

So i have both situations you can imagine here. Its been hostile, rude, pushy, loving, and caring all at the same time! :) i choice to be with my husband knowing he had kids before me, so there for i new i'd have to either deal with it or leave. He is worth it, they are worth it. Even at the worse its always worth it.. :) Good luck and your a great person for stepping up to the plate. Your daughter won't forget it even if it seems that way now!

I don't have a 'step-child', but, I do have a boy that we took in to continue raising at 14. His mom is what I guess I would consider a 'disney' mom. We had his sister, too. But, she was too hard for us, and since she was not either of our child, we felt OK about moving her in with another aunt.
First things first-
You HAVE to get on the same page as your husband. Sit him down and discuss with him how important this is, this ultimately shapes your step-daughter's future. My husband was trying to be more of a 'friend' than the disciplinary he needed to be. So, any time I had to discipline, I supposedly hated him. (This was according to the boy.)
Finally, my husband talked to him, and told him that if I didn't care about him, I wouldn't care to discipline him.
So, now my husband is disciplining him when necessary more often instead of just talking things out.
Also, we've severely limited his time with his mother. You may say, "oh, but that's his mom." Well, it was horrible for him and for us. It was like starting over any time he went there. We have 3 of our own kids, we couldn't keep doing that.
Anyway, I don't know if any of my rambling helps, but, this is where we are here.
Good luck!

I don't have step children but I AM a stepchild.
My stepfather gained my trust and respect by being a guiding, stable force in my life. He didn't demand respect, but he really earned it. Slowly, over time. It doesn't happen overnight and I'm sure I was not always as nice to him as I could have been. But he was O. of the most respected, kind, wise, non-pushy adult role models in my life. Does that help?

Hi, I have a now 18 year old step daughter who i took on when she was 4. My husband and I were not primary custody but we may as well have been, her mom was absentee because she was working and going out on all her free time therefore I was a SAHM and got to raise her. Which was fine with everyone until it came down to the hard parenting. Her mom and I would not agree and my husband was always working and had no interset in getting involved. I too felt unappreciated but did what was best for her and tried not to see things from a selfish perspective. I raised her as if she were my own, and all the kids were made to abide by the same rules and the same love from me! 12 years old is an awful age no matter what. Despite dad and moms perception of your parenting just continue to be fair to her and loving, she might be distant because shes trying to push you away as she may have abandonment fears. Don't let those fears become reality. Being a Step mom is the hardest things i've done. @14 my daughters mom moved to Texas and took her with her. I felt and feel like I lost a child although she is here every vaction including summers, communication with mom is basiclly none. I feel like i don't know what is going on. She is now 18 and comes to see us on her own will she calls me mom too and restablished a relationship with her mom(good).I still feel like i did all the hard labor and her mom reaped the rewards, but in the end it's not about me.My advise to you is to love her, be fair, stick to your principles, and only fight w/mom or your husband about the Important things, not everything. Good Luck
P.S. my 13 year old daugter is currently driving me insane! It will g
et better around17.. i hope.

How long has her biological mom been back in the picture? When did you back off parenting? Both those answers may play a part in your daughter's attitude (yes, I said daughter not step-daughter)....although she is not biologically yours you have been a mother figure in her life for some time now and should consider her your daughter. She may feel that you have abandoned her now since her mom is back in the picture. It may be that because you have backed off parenting she feels a difference in your relationship.

I'm not really sure what your question is. Can you add a bit of detail, what part are you having a problem with?
Kids that age, even when they are your bioligical children can get pretty gruesome to handle. Don't take things too personally. Be an active, caring, nurturing adult, but don't pretend to be her mom. You love her dad and you are his wife and that's all you have in common.
It sounds like you care a lot and want to do the right thing. There is no magic fix for teenagers tho unfortunately.
Just be patient, be yourself, but don't let the bio mom take advantage of your kindness. You have every right to draw specific boundaries in your own home .... make sure you and dad are on the same page.

Being a step-mom is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I've been around my SD since she was very young and she is now in HS. You can't quit on her just b/c she is 12 and hard to deal with. It's her age and it will probably get worse before it gets better. You took on this role when you married her Dad. You agreed to it. Now you do your best. The most important thing is that you and Dad are on the same page and that he is 100% supportive of you while you help to raise her. You need to discuss your concerns with him. Tell him you need his support, not just for you but your SD needs to see that he supports you and appreciates everything you do for your family. The other thing you need to do is maintain as open of a relationship as you possibly can with her Mom. Initiate communication if you have to. Text her. Call her. Email her. Whatever. But talk to her regularly about everything.
You can't "back off". That's not fair to your SD and that's who will suffer. In the end she will know you were always there for her and did right by her. Love her as best as you can ~ she needs it!!

I just wanted to suggest a great book on adult/child communication called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. Whether or not you are her bio parent, this young woman is still in your life. I don't think this is the end-all-be-all bandaid in your situation, but I've found this book to be incredibly helpful in my relationships with children I used to nanny. (Some of them were older.)
Family counseling, too, can help.

I come to this as a step-daughter many times over. (My mother's been married 5 times; my "growing up" dad and my bio dad both have second wives as well.) One other book I'd suggest that may be helpful is Bruno Bettelheim's "The Good Enough Parent". It's a struggle to feel that we are keeping our personal integrity with children (in discipline, making boundaries) and this book is a great place to start a conversation.

Keep up the loving concern. My bio dad's wife and I have really come to appreciate each other over the years, and it took a long time. But I'm really glad she hung in there with me.:) At some point in life, your stepdaughter will see how much her own mother has opted out on *real* parenting, and that's going to be an eye-opener. I do agree that if you are doing half the care, you need to have some authority (without being authoritarian) with your stepdaughter. As a nanny, nothing was worse than parents who didn't want discipline for their children, but a "buddy". Parent's are not meant to be 'buddies'. That's what peers are for.

You might also jump over to "Mamas On Call" (love this site) and check out their continuing series on "The Best Friend Parent", as it's highly informative. Is this what your stepdaughter's mom is doing? Another conversation starter....

My sister moved in with a Disney Dad a couple of years ago and is dealing with his two children, now 13 and 15. It's been a bit hellish for her as she's come into their lives so late in the game and no one is taking parenting advice from her, of course. In any case, I sent them the Love and Logic DVDs for teens and they are both loving them. It's making her husband see from a third party perspective that maybe his over generosity is ruining them rather than making them love and respect him. You can get them on their website (loveandlogic.com, I think) and they just are common sense parenting. You can read more about it on the web site. Not sure if this will help as your partner is not the Disney one, but it's worth a try!

The problem lies with your hubby. Ask him _Push him to go to family counseling, not to make your life easier but because his daughter needs good parental role models. she has two moms for better or for worse but only one dad and he needs to be very involved spend time with her and discipline her and SUPPORT you. I think her relationship with him will determine her relationship with future BF, SO, hubby etc so I hope it's a good

I have a brand new step son (14) and my husband has a step son (15). We don't shy away from parenting the children in our house. My son's father is the fun one but I know that my role as chief disciplinarian in my son's world is mandatory. My husband mostly talks to my son but I'm certain that will be short lived. My son is struggling to gain independence but isn't doing what is requested of him.

Girls are really hard. I have three neices I have been raising two are independent but only one of the two is doing well and the third has a baby. Like I said girls are really tough. As a step mom, lavish as much love on her as possible, give her as many yeses as possible too but always let your no's mean no and your yeses mean yes. Real love isn't always about getting your way or always having fun. Real love endures those tough times.

Cut her mom some slack, she probably feels guilty and is trying to make up for lost time. That is real easy to do but in the long run, your step daughter knows in her heart of hearts which woman has been there for her. Be the example of the kind of woman and mother you want her to be and watch over time just how things work out. Oddly enough no matter how hard I have tried I am my mother for better or worse.