Step Children Don't Listen and Dad Is Unplugged

My husband and I have the his and mine situation. Our kids are a bit younger but we had the same blantent disrespect problem. I became full time child care for his daughter and she would mouth off, take my things, whatever she saw fit (her house, her rules who was I to change that!?!?!?). My husband had a considerable amount of guilt due to his ex-wifes lack of involvement and would come home daily and spoil and over indulge her because she was upset with me. My husband completely misunderstood my intentions and it caused a great amount of difficulty between us. It took a while but we finally came together. What we did (with the assistance of some church counceling) was create house rules for all those who lived there, that were initially enforced by the biological parent. There was a set of rule and a cooridinating set of consequences. WHen one was broken, the child was told that their parent would be enforcing the punishment when they got home. It worked wonders, it removed me from the conflict and caused my husband to realize that there were issues he needed to address with his daughter. IT brought us a lot closer as a family and now any adult in the house can easily enforce rules and consequences. Keep your chin up. You're doing what you think is best for everyone in your house. You're doing the right thing. Hang in there, your husband will come around.

His kids are very rude and disrespectful and it seems as if you DH is also. You say he gets mad at you and your daughter, if some friend told you that was happening to them what would your advice be to that friend? You and your daughter does not need this angry showing favortism person, especially your daughter (she didn't marry him).

It's your house too! If he's not going to listen then I would tell the girls that they have to straighten up when they come over. Maybe try talking to them about why they act like that. If not set boundaries by locking doors and putting things up. That's crazy that they ate stealing and being disorderly. Whether your husband wants to intervene or not this can lead to really bad behavior later in life.

Do you have a relationship with the step daughters? How is there relationship with their mother? Do they steal from Dad too, or just from you and your daughter? If the answer to 1 and 2 are negative and 3 is positive, then it might be a jealousy problem. DH is not fixing it and it is his job, but if it is jealousy, maybe there is something that you can do. 1st, it isn't money jealousy, it might be that they are jealous of your relationship with your daughter.

I would think that maybe you can take some steps to fix this problem. When they are over, make some time to spend with them one on one, one at a time. Take them shopping or go bowling or something. You can start building a relationship with them. During this, I would make sure that my jewelry, money and anything else that they typically steal is safely hidden away, and under lock and key when they are visiting. Don't say anything to anybody about locking it up, just do it... they will know, you will protect your stuff, and prevent fights with hubby. If you are taking them out, then he won't be able to. They won't be getting that attention. It is my guess that there is a cycle.

1)they steal, or whatever
2)you complain to dh
3)they get taken for a treat
4)they complain to mom
5)she consoles them and takes them for a treat
6)you yell at them

Thus, they get attention from dh, their mom, and from you. I think you need to break this cycle. By not telling them what it's about and not discussing it when you are out with them, it will throw them off balance, and give you the advantage.

Also, read the book "Yes your teen is crazy". You can do this! You can do this!

i would put locks on your bedroom doors and honestly i wouldnt clean up after them, let the dad do it and maybe he will see what is going on.

Oh I can I ever relate to this, but mine is a little different. My man puts his foot down with his daughters ages 16, 14, and 11. I can relate to the whole no respect, lie, and stealing thing though. My thing is my step daughters will go back and lie to their mother and make it sound like things are so horrible over here. One of them stole a whole bunch of game boy games from my 8 yr old son. As far as the no respect, his oldest is the worst as she has no respect for anyone, and this is due to her mother and her mom man giving into her and giving her what she wants, so she even shows them no respect. If she does not get what she wants she tells her mom and her man off. In your situation your man is not making it easy on the two of you, and that is where your most of your problems are in this case. I can tell you this from experience things are not going to change until he starts doing his part and things will just continue to get worse. Me and my man have just decided to continue with what the rules he has for his girls when they are here. I dread them coming over here every time, cause of what recently has happened(I posted it on here), but since their mother came over and told them in front of everyone that this stuff is going to stop, two of his daughters have said sorry. I gave up on the oldest cause there is nothing that I or anyone can do at this point, she is set in her ways and only cares about herself and she proved that by what she said to her father when he talked to them. He told her during a talk that she acts like she doesn't care about who she hurts and her response was "What do you expect me to cry about it", before she would and now she just doesn't give a damn. She has two more years and she is an adult, and will find out stuff the had way. We have done all we can do, and can just continue doing what have been doing. You need to be the one to put your foot down and say hey get with the program cause I can't keep being the only one working on your girls. Let us know how things go, and good luck I feel you pain.

The man of your dreams? Seriously? Sounds more like a nightmare to me. He's scared of making a breach with his daughters by "being mean" to them. Because his ex will probably make a stink about visitation or custody. Probably she can't make them behave either and sends them to him hoping he'll pick up the gauntlet.

I would present an ultimatum. Either he quits with his deceptive behavior and spoiling his girls or you're out. And I'm sorry that seems rough, but the man of your dreams, you've even said, goes behind your back, gets mad at you, won't discuss it, is not supportive. So you're supposed to roll over and accept this junk? I don't think so. Not unless you consider it a dream situation. He's doing no one any favors. He's causing more damage than his daughters.
I'd bail. You've already been a single parent which takes a lot more. It's your house too, right? Don't you have any rights? Claim them.

A friend of mine has a very similar problem except the step-daughters live with her. She's been through the counseling, talking to their dad, etc.--nothing works. The problem really is their father. If these kids can get away with it, which they are, they will continue. It's too bad, sorry to say, that your DH isn't a good enough parent to see what is going on and blames you for his lousy parenting skills. Believe me, this bad behavior will turn against him one day and he'll come crying to you. My friend's husband does the exact same thing. She however, cannot offer him support because of years of resentment from the situation. She's talked of divorce many times because of his kids. I wish I could offer some better advice, but just let you know that you are not alone. Hopefully, they will not come to live at your house and someone else on this website can give you better advice.

I'll keep you in my prayers,

M.

One of you needs to be the parent and I am guessing it will be you. If he is not willing to engage, then you set the boundaries and let the girls know what the consequences are for their actions and then FOLLOW THROUGH. No matter what. Make sure what ever consequence you are setting up is not punishing you as well..for instance, taking a movie away and then there is no one to watch them at home, which leaves you to do it...stuff like that.

If there is stealing, then they must work for the money that they stole. Folding laundry, washing dishes, picking up sticks in the yard. Let them see the value of money behind what they are doing. If they get away with stealing as children, what will they do as adults. If he butts in...tell him that you are teaching the children life long lessons. Either he gets on the same page as you or he backs off and lets the children know that he is supporting your decisions with their misbehavior.

If there is talking back, mouthing off, etc. Make the consequences be similar to the stealing.

Never take away anything that has been promised to a kid in advance. For instance, if you promised to take all 3 girls to a movie on Wednesday and something happens Wednesday morning, you need to follow through, however, the next time there is something special that comes up...that can be taken away from them. You want to kids to love and respect you, not to hate you.

So, if the next thing is movies with a friend, Hire a babysitter in advance for the 2 girls or maybe just one of girls depending on who is being disciplined. That will send a message to them greatly. If the father doesn't like it, tell him come along side of you and be a partner with you.

If you daughter for any reason acts up...you need to do the same for her as well. They are watching the division in the home and trying really hard to see where you stand. Show them that you are being fair all the way around.

I would sit down and talked to all the girls together and set up the new rules and boundaries in the home...and then be consistent with ALL of them.

I hope this helps.

H.

Hi T.,
I honestly don't mean to sound like a jerk, but THIS is the "man of your dreams?" A man who allows his children to disrespect his wife, steal, break things and then gets angry with you if you complain???? T., I think you need to improve your standards. You don't deserve this. I'm not suggesting divorce or anything like that, but he needs to know that you are dead serious about this situation and that you will not put up with it. Best of luck to you.