Step Child Challenge

Updated on May 20, 2010
T.W. asks from Blue Springs, MO
5 answers

My husband did not meet his daughter till she was 9 years old. He lost contact with her for about a year after that (her mom decided she changed her mind in having him in the picture) and in that year time we got married and had a baby together. The day my daughter turned 1 month old, my husband came home all excited he was getting to spend the evening with his daughter and mom getting to set up a visitation schedule. I will admit I was hurt that it had to happen on the night our daughter turned 1 month old, but wished him the best because I knew how important it was too him. Shortly after that we started having visits with his daughter every Wednesday night and every other weekend. At first they were good. I survived the envasion of my daughter's bedroom, her getting to wear my wedding tierra for Halloween (I was furious with my husband because I was not asked and I was saving it for our daughter.) and her being an incrediable picky eater (she had never tried celery, watermelon, cantulape, and many other fruits and vegetables and does not like most anything). Still I did my hardest to make her feel as if she was part of the family and wanted. Then between my daughter and my son, I had another baby who I lost at 21 1/2 weeks of pregnancy. It killed a part of me. I became very distant and withdrawn. It was very hard to deal with. Plus, I was communting 2 1/2 hours everyday to work and putting in 8 to 10 hours days to come home and turn around to go to a part time job taking my two other kids with me to work another 2 to 4 hours with no weekends off. I will admit that for about 6 to 12 months I was not the most welcoming person or very social. I just withdrew into myself and focused on my two youngest children. My pregnancy with my son was very hard and scary for me, so I was very self absored. However, I never took my anger and frustration out on any of the kids, except for maybe my oldest child (who is 18 and pushes every button I have). I would try to involve her in all that we did and let all of them know how much I love them. My husband and I have had some issues during this time and it is often tense between us. He does not talk and I mean he does not talk unless it is about himself or some event he found interesting. At times he speaks out of anger and frustration and he spouts off and not very nicely but directed towards me. It has been a very hard two years for us since the lost of a child. Very frustrating. The last 6 months with my step daughter has been awful. First she would cry to my oldest child about how awful my husband is and then to my friend's daughter how awful I am. We have rules her mother does not in regards to cell phones (which she no longer follow while at our house because she has discovered that her dad will do nothing about it). Well, now in the last two months when she comes, she ignores us, if asked questions gives one word answers if she answers at all. The other day I asked her who she had lunch with and she stated "Friends". I asked her to name them. She stated "Friends". I asked her again can you name your friends and she looked at me and informed me "I said friends and that is all you are getting." She is 13 years old. My two year old daughter loves her so much. My one year old son can take her or leave her. I am so frustrated with this attitude. She is disrespectful when it comes to following rules, she is hateful when asked to do things to help out, wears clothes we deemed inapproriate for her age (she just throws a jacket over her shirts and then complains of being hot), mopes the whole time she is here, glares at us with haterated in her eyes, cries at a drop of a hat when confronted about her attitude or behavior, yells at my daughter any time she tries to engage her sister into playing with her, and has made it very well know amoung our church friends how much she hates coming here. What do I do? My husband met with her mom a month ago and she told him she does not feel welcomed or wanted when she comes. My husband and I both have tried engaging her into doing things and talking to her but get no response back or she looks at us like she could explode with anger. I posted some pictures on my facebook of a family event and tagged her in the photos so she would have them too. I got a message on my post all in caps to "TAKE THESE PHOTOS OFF" from her. I called her on it and she apologized and told me that she does not mind if I post family pictures as long as she is not in them. My husband is frustrated with her and does not know what to do. He is ready to tell her mom that he will sign his rights away if it will make her happy. I have emailed her mom for advise and gotten nothing in return. We love her but are very stressed out when it is time for her to come and visit. We don't know what to do and frankly I am tired of dealing with her. Her mom allows her to do what she wants and 90% of the time she is left on her own at home because mom is out running with friends. I am not that kind of parent and I believe in rules and structure and I have had to explain to my 18 year old why we allow her to do things we would never have allowed him (mainly issues with the cell phone). Lucky for me my 18 year old sees the issues, has even commented on some of her clothing not being approraite for her age, and seems to understand, but what kind of impression is it leaving on my younger two? What should we do? Is it wrong of me to dread her visiting and wishing she didn't? (I would never tell my husband I did not want her to come but I honestly don't anymore. I feel bad for feeling that way but I am tired of the stress and drama she causes.)

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So What Happened?

Thank you for all the wonderful advise. I will keep trying and put my personal feelings aside and deal with them in private. I know she is 13 and I know I was not an easy 13 year old but I did not have to go between homes. We as parents have a lot of work to do and I appreciate the good advise that was given. I will try to update you all later after trying it.

Well, we had my step daughter this weekend. I gave it the good old fashion try. I told stories to give examples about things going on in her and her dad's life. Went shopping and she went with me. We discussed fashion and I pointed out how some of it was from the late 1970's to early 1980's . Showed her things I thought was very cute but stylish and asked her to show me things she like. She was very talkative to me but refused to speak to my husband. She cried to my oldest son about a message I sent her on facebook about being respectful when requesting something be removed, then came to me later and told me about the conversation. She did not get the response from my son she was wanting. He told her up front she was disrestful and rude in her message to me and that I was just trying to share with her. I was a little surprised. She told me she just didn't like the one picture I posted. I explained I understood why she wouldn't but it is how she looked a year ago and it was still a very good picture of her. I had a nice visit with her but her father did not. He reached out to her several times and she completely ignored him.

More Answers

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

13 is a hard age, and with her not being your child it can make her visits feel more like an intrusion or disruption. When you have these feelings/thoughts, acknowledge them and than tuck them away, remembering that she is your husbands daughter and there for a part of your family, even if she is a difficult part right now. Maybe try to set up some special one on one time with her and her father the next few visits, and once a repore has been established he can talk to her about her respect issues. I also think family counseling could help your family a lot. But in the end, she is still a 13 year old girl, and that is simply a difficult and angry time for many teens.

4 moms found this helpful
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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

"Her mom allows her to do what she wants and 90% of the time she is left on her own at home because mom is out running with friends."

These are your words. Do I need to say any more? She is a pubescent teenage girl with an unformed brain, and you are an adult. She needs love, even when she's unlovable. At this age, is it often all one-way, and you don't get much back from them for years.

If you are loving to her, despite the fact that she is not very lovable right now, she will come around eventually. You need to do the right thing, even when she doesn't. Like I said, YOU are the adult. Don't criticize her, praise her. Keep sending her pictures, but respect her silly whims about not being in them. Go shopping with her and help steer her towards hip, yet more appropriate clothing.

It sounds like overall you've tried to do right by her, but you need to keep trying, despite the fact that you don't feel like it.

How would you like to be in her place, with a divorced family and a self-absorbed mother who doesn't pay any attention to you?

It's not wrong of you to dread her visits, but it IS wrong of you to act out on those feelings. You can make a difference in this girl's life. She needs love and approval and acceptance. Do it.

p.s. -- If you don't do this, and you think it's bad now, just WAIT four or five years. If you think there's stress on your family now...

By the way, love works way better than "discipline" (man I'm sick of that word).

3 moms found this helpful
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A.S.

answers from Denver on

Are you my step-mom? Her name is Tracy and she has the exact same 'tude you do. "This freak of a child invaded MY home. She's AWFUL, I "love" her but won't share anything with her and demand everything in return."

"Who were you with?" -Friends. Name your friends. WHY???? You couldn't have rephrased your question in a way that may have gotten her to talk rather than pick a fight with her? Really? She's 13, she wants her space. Picking at her won't make her open up. You have to be a little more subtle than a brick to the head.

You can absolutely BET she knows exactly how you feel about her. She wants the relationship with her dad. She doesn't have the skills to make it happen, she needs her dads guidance. And then she has you as the giant roadblock to finding a relationship with dad. And trust me, your mere presence of underlying hatred comes through loud and clear no matter how much you protest that you "love" her. It's clear to me just from reading the nasty things you've written about her, and I'm not in the room with you.

My advice? Family therapy, lots of it. And get some one-on-one counseling for yourself to keep your feeling in check. Let this girl have the relationship with her dad and keep out of it.

1 mom found this helpful

T.N.

answers from Albany on

ok, first off, whoa momma!! you've got WAY too much on your plate sister! It sounds as though you are single-handedly holding down the entire universe! You need to give yourslef a break! That being said (i know it's A LOT easier said than done), does your step-daughter come everyother weekend because she WANTS to or because she's MADE too, and if she's MADE to, who's doing the making? She's old enough (legally and emotionally) to make her own decision....It is up to her DAD to foster his OWN relationship with his daughter, perhaps it's time to try just him taking her out to lunch once a week, or some other arrangement agreeable to both her and her father (you and her mother don't really have much of a say), once she is no longer 'living under your roof' and having to 'follow your rules' you and her may actually develop a very unique bond, you can be there for her, communicate with her....meanwhile, YOU are a walking time bomb, please try to let your HUSBAND take charge of his OWN daughter! Good Luck Mamma!

I.M.

answers from New York on

Dear T.,
You need to sit down with your husband and discuss this issue between the both of you alone. She is not 2!! she needs discipline and you need your husband to back you up with it. If your husband is not willing to back you up, I am sorry to say, that you will have to make a decision about having her come or not.
If he is willing to back you up and help you with the discipline issue, then maybe the first thing you should do is cut down her visits, to maybe Wednesday or the weekend, but not both. If she doesn't like you now she will NOT like you later when you discipline her either.
You need to be firm with your husband, he needs to understand that this is his child and he needs to be a little more responsible when it comes to disciplining her. I would not suggest giving up his rights as her father, he is her father and she needs him even when she doesn't think she does.
Maybe some family counsel with your pastor will help the entire family. He might be able to see things from a different perspective.
Blessings

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