Stay-at-home Mom and Finacial Support from Husband

Ummmm.....you are not a child - far from it (I'm the same age you are). He should not be ALLOWED to treat you like this, otherwise, why don't you do up a weekly bill for ALL YOU DO and demand he pays you for that - plus expenses?????????

The TWO of you need to sit down with your income and outgo and figure out how much is needed for what. He doesn't hand you anything. It gets put in a joint account for you both to use on ONLY what you need or discuss.

This should be an equal partnership; otherwise, it's a father - daughter relationship. You're 47. You don't really want to live like this the rest of your life, right?

Don't let him take this away from you. **shaking head** giving you cash as needed. Geesh. Why do men think they can get away with that? Don't let him.

And he's not supporting you. He is providing for his family. Your support is 24/7, right? This is how a bully works.

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I hate the word "allowance" for adults. It sounds childish. Anyway, here's what's been working for us. First, we agree to a budget that covers the necessary bills. After that, we come up with the amount of "discretionary funds" that we each get. We keep this as cash so that once it's gone, the other money is not dipped into. This amount the same for each of us. This way, no one is "asking" the other for money like a child. It's simply sticking to an agreed upon budget. I believe it's important for both parties to be aware of ALL finacial matters including pin numbers, passwords, health/life insurance, investments, retirement accounts, ect. What if (God forbid!)something should happen to one of you? The other would need this information. Finances should be discussed regularly as the budget needs changing.

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Put your foot down! Tell him you work hard raising your children and while you do not make a salary as he does, your job is no less important than his. He may be the one bringing in a paycheck, but my personal belief is that a marriage is about EQUALITY. Unless you've had difficulty making responsible financial decisions in the past, he should not be treating you like a child and giving you an allowance. I'm primarily a SAHM to 1 and 2 yr old boys (I also work 1 day/week), but my husband acknowledges me as being equally entitled to the money in our bank account. I would suggest you get an open dialogue going and tell your husband how you feel. Hopefully he'll be receptive to your point of view and shape up. Best of luck!

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I don't know how your husband is so it's hard to give advice, but I just wanted to tell you that I think thats totally unfair. You have to justify every expense and he also is not trusting you to limit yourself. I'm just on leave this year because of the new baby but I basically gave him my budget (how much it costs to buy food, gas, etc) and asked him to transfer that amount into the account. It's been working really great for us. Part of that amount has to be some allowance too. I bet he buys stuff on a whim sometimes too.

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I never even knew that some women were given 'allowance'. When I hear that word it reminds me of the reward I received as a child from my parents for doing housework. I too am a stay at home mom, but I have access to our bank accounts and savings. If there is something I need to buy I use my debit card from our account and purchase it. If the purchase is something pricey I will ask my husband how he feels about it, and we decide together if the purchase is something we need.

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Hi L.,

Talk to your husband. Let him know how you feel and that you want to come up with a new system. It is so important to come together as a couple and agree with what the budget is. My husband and I both get an allowance for the week. This covers lunches, outings, treats... When we need or want something our allowance won't pay for (clothes, shoes, household stuff...) we talk to eachother, pray about it and save for it if necessary.

We each get $40 a week, which doesn't sound like much, but we often have money left over because it causes us to be careful with our spending. The left over allows for a date night, family dinner, movie etc. without "costing" anything.

Good luck coming up with a system that works for your family. It's only money and isn't worth a fight.

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L., I cannot imagine having a husband who "gives me an allowance!" That is ridiculous! Women are normally the household decision-makers - the ones who do the majority of buying for the household - therefore women generally know more about how much $ they have to budget for normal family expenditures each month. I personally would never allow my husband (and partner!) to tell me how to spend "our" money. I gave up my career because we both felt it was incredibly important for me to stay home and raise our children. So, because he earns the paycheck at this point in our marriage does not mean it is his right to dictate how to spend the family's money!

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You work hard keeping up your home and caring for your children. That doesn't mean you should be the "poor" member of your family! Do you know how much money you save on childcare alone with you at home? We pay $160 a week for our son for childcare while my husband and I work full time. Tell him you'll go to work outside the home for your "allowance" and he can pay for childcare! He needs to realize you work just as hard as he does!Good luck, L., and stand up for yourself and don't give in until you feel confortable and things are fair!

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In our family we both work. His job just happens to be out of the home and brings home the cash. My job is inside our home taking care of our family. Neither of our jobs out weigh the others. By this I mean with out me cooking and cleaning running errands, taking our children to school and Dr. appointments he would not be able to go to work every day. With out him going to work and making money I would not be able to cook, clean, runn errands ect..

Over the past 12 years we have been togeather, I have always been the one in charge of paying bills and keeping record of our familys finances. Our familys pay check (yes I called it OUR familys! as I said before we both work for it, just in different ways) goes into our joint account. All of our ATM and credit cards are joint. Its just been easier for us for me to keep record of all this being that Im at home the majority of the day and he is out woking.

Weekly I tell him your check was this $__ and I payed this $__ in bills, this $__ is whats left. So we both have an idea of our familys budget for extras durring the week. I always have the bills accesable for him to look at if he wants to. There is nothing to hide. When he gets home from work he'll usually say I bought lunch today or got gas, it was $__ and I'll say I got stuff for dinner or a new shoes for this kid, I spent $__. So then we have an idea whats left.

I honestly just cant understand why your husband would not want you to have access to your familys finances. Do you think he is hiding something? Or is he just that old fasioned that he dosent think you are capable of being responsible for money? Im not saying start WW3 over this but you deserve the respect of your husband; that if you want to go out and have lunch with a girl friend or need to swing by the store to grab a loaf of bread that you dont need to ask permission for it. My best advice to you I guess is talk to him about what his reasons for not letting you have access to the funds are.

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Hi L.-
We use Quicken to track all of our expenses. We have a budget that we follow after paying mortgage and other necessary bills (i.e. $X for groceries, $X for household item, $X for dining, etc). We constantly keep track of it and record all of our receipts in it as we make purchases. Because we do all of this together, he doesn't have to give me an "allowance" because we know that no matter what we purchase, it has to stay within our budget.

It's worked extremely well for us. We bought our version of quicken off of ebay and got a very good price on it. Hope that helps!

:-) T.

Hi L. E,

We do it the same way, my husband gives me money that I put in a separate account and use throughout the month. We do this to help keep ourselves on a budget. I like to shop and didn't always save that well. I use a separate bank account because it's easier to track. My husband is not trying to control me, I am the one who told him this is what I wanted to do. It's not because I'm being treated like a child as someone said. It's not like that at all; I think they might misunderstand the situation. Most of my the families I know do it like this. It makes sense and it's easy.
And the same thing happened to me, as things got a tighter and tighter, my "allowance" got littler and littler! It's not your husband controlling you, it's the lack of money and/or the desire to save in case of continued economy failure. It's called smart.
However if you feel as though you are being controlled, talk to your husband. Communication is the key. Always be open, honest and direct. I'd try to work something out so you can have a little bit of money and you feel in control of your own self.
Maybe you are not aware of the complete financial situation and things are not good right now. And don't feel like a child. As I said, most families I know do it this way.
Best of luck. :)

I know how you feel...
Although my husband has never given me an "allowance," per-se, he has always been the caretaker of our family fortune (ha, ha) and I've always looked to him for guidance about what we can and cannot afford.
Now that he's taken a pay cut and has to pay MUCH more into his company-sponsored health insurance coverage, things are definitely tight... there have even been a couple of times where my habitual purchasing (ie: "we NEED such and such," -- instead of "can we AFFORD such and such?") has actually gotten us pretty far in the red with our bank, and we've had to borrow from family just to make it through the month.
My going back to work wouldn't help much (assuming I'd even be able to find a job these days), since most if not all of my paycheck would have to go right into daycare!
So, as a last resort, my husband and I are SERIOUSLY considering BOTH going on a "cash as needed" basis, with pretty much all expenditures being deliberately decided ahead of time by both of us... right down to toilet paper.
It's not a fun way to live, but it's the only way we're going to make it through this economic crisis.
I'd say, as long as your husband is also forgoing ALL unnecessary expenditures, it's a fair solution to a common problem.
*** If, however, he wants to keep you on a 2-foot financial leash while he spends whatever he wants, you have a very legitimate grievance.
A LITTLE ABOUT ME -- I'm also a SAHM (to one toddler) who has worked and supported herself her whole life, but made a conscious decision to stay home until my kid(s) are in preschool. And no, I'm not a shop-aholic... the last thing I bought for myself were $14 sweatpants at Target!

Hi L.,

It's strange to hear that someone else is in a similar situation - I'm afraid I have no advice, I just want to say that I understand how you feel like a little kid - I feel the same way! My husband has never given me a set allowance, he just asks if I need money every now and then. We don't have a joint account, either. At first I used to automatically say 'no' every time he asked (he comes with me to do the shopping as I can't drive and so food, and the bills, too, are paid for directly by him), but I had to end up swallowing my pride and saying 'yes' whenever he asked, since my only other money is some Australian dollars that I saved while I was working, and with exchange rates and conversion fees, the money was really disappearing!

If you have worked for so long, then I guess you must have contributed financially during your married life, which I haven't done. In that case it is now totally wrong for you not to have equal access to finances in your family, instead of just a little bit wrong! But I understand that you might not want to make this into a confrontational issue. Perhaps your husband is like mine - he was brought up believing that it is wrong to discuss money in any but a business situation, and it must certainly not be discussed with one's wife! I've just had to accept that, and after three years, I more or less do. It's not fair, but that's the choice I made. For me it just helps to know that it isn't fair, but really, it's not that big a disaster. It's not degrading to you to have to ask for money - it's just the situation that you find yourselves in, and if your husband doesn't want think about how it makes you feel or consider a change, then it's not your fault. It's not worth straining the relationship over it.

Sorry, I do go on! Hope this helps!

Dear L.--I can tell from your letter that this is very frustrating for you and demeaning to your sense of importance in your family. The economy has a lot of people shaken to their core. Your husband is currently the sole support of the family and is probably feeling an increased pressure to make sure that you all stay safe. This could be coloring his vision in the manner he is treating you. It sounds like you two need to have a heart to heart talk about your financial future. Is is possible he has been keeping some information from you in an effort to spare you the worry, but it is time to lay all the cards on the table and see what you have. If you approach this conversation in a non-accusatory way, and let him understand that 'we are all in this together' and you just want to understand your current situation and how you can contribute to a solution, perhaps he will open up and let you be an active part of the solution. While you have been a working woman and have had income in the past, it may be hard for your husband to let go of the feeling that he is the provider here. I was a stay at home mom for 20 years, but in our case, I was the one managing the family money which made it easier sometimes. I don't know your family, so please take my advice from that standpoint. I read all the other responses and some seemed to me likely to increase the tension in your home. Yes, you are as valuable as he is in the family despite the money, but I just wanted you to give a little thought to his side and see if that helps. Best of luck to you all in these trying times.
D.

Hi L.,

I am 47 also, and my husband is retiring from the Military and coming home to live full time in 2 weeks. BIG change for us! I am trying to make my own money on my own time. The less arguing the better. I can help you get a check for $500 in December by just changing your shopping habits. Let me know of you or any other Mom out there is interested. I would love to help. ###-###-####.

Hi L.,
That doesn't sound like any fun! I am 39 years old and have a 7 year old daughter and just found out I am 2 months along with my second one. My goal is to be a stay at home mom by the time my little one comes and not have to go back to work. Like you though, I have always worked my adult life and will find it extremely difficult to ask my husband for money. I have found a company endorsed by Donald Trump that will allow me to have the best of both worlds! I am so excitd about this opportunity I just love sharing it with others. Please check out my website and if you have any questions feel free to call me. shannonmoe.acnrep.com. Good luck and I hope we talk again.

My SIL her husband gives her an allowance because she is very spendy. She gets $20 a week. He is great with their finances and even though she feels like $20 is not enough she knows he is doing the right thing for thier family.

I am the one that does the finances in our family. We donot have allowances we talk to each other and try to spend within our means. My husband works base plus commissions. He can get really stressed about money. Especially with the way the economy is. I think if your husband is worried he is for you and the family. I am sure if you sit and talk with him you will be able to see how he feels and help him understand how you feel.

Hello L.: My situation is not exactly the same, but I feel the same. I stay at home and am going back to school, my children are all teens. My husbands gives me 300 every two weeks for groceries (there are five of us), and sometimes he gives me 350. I try to stretch it, and I am allowed to take money from savings, but I usually try to take out $20 here and there from my food budget. The problem is, I too have always worked, so I don't always like to take from savings. I feel bad not adding to the household budget, and I liked having lots of extra spending money. I am learning to deal with it.

I think God is trying to show me that I spend in many areas I don't need to, and too much. Although, most of my spending is on the kids, or on the house. I really don't buy a lot for myself. I get my haircut every 6 months, don't do my nails, etc. I am pretty frugal, except that I really love to buy little gifts for my friends and books for myself.

I think it is a little frustrating at times, but I think your husband is trying to do what is best for your family. Maybe ask if you can have the budget back, but a little or a lot less (depending on what he gave you). And you could tell him you can keep track of your expenses?

I hope this helps.
K.

Hello L.,
I too am in the same boat. But all we can do is just add things we as "moms" need into the shopping list. So that way we are not asking for money. LOL. Thats what I have been doing. I hope this help you out a little.

Yeah I am in the same boat! Can't wait to hear the responses!!!!!!!!! I am a married mother of three with a very small business and rely on husband. I am very blessed.