Starting Over - Chicago,IL

Hi K.,

My girls are only three years apart, however, my Mom had children 17 months apart, 10 years apart and 4 years apart. My brothers are 52, 51. 41 and I am 37. We have awesome relationships! I didn't get to play with my two oldest brothers when I was little like I did with the one that is only four years older than me, but they had a very active role in my life growing up. I am a dentist following in my eldest brother's footsteps, my second oldest brother has always looked out for me and protected me the most. My youngest brother and I grew up together. Now that we are older the age differences are completely obliterated. We are all very close and I wouldn't have it any other way. My advice is to go ahead and have another baby...your older son will thank you. My brother got remarried and had a second child with his new wife when his first son was 12. The boys get along great...the younger one adores the older one and the older one enjoys playing with and taking care of the little sibling that he always wanted. Best of luck to you!

My kids are 10 and 3 and 1 1/2. Having the first two so far apart gave me some wonderful one on one time, and also PLENTY of time to nap when I was prengant with number two. My oldest was also the proudest, most helpful big brother on the planet and loves his baby brother and sister very much! Having to closer together...now that is the difficult part! :-)

Hi K.,

I had a similar situation. My son was 5 when I got married, and my husband and I wanted to have more children, but not right away. We both worked full-time for one thing. Also, I wanted to have time with my son to help him transition, as this is a big adjustment, having previously had all my attention. I didn't want to throw a new baby into the mix right away. I guess it also depends on how sensitive your child is. Mine is very sensitive and thoughtful. I also wanted to have time for my husband to grow our marriage and take some vacations together. We decided to start trying to have a baby right after our son turned 8. We now have a beautiful 12-month-old daughter, who my son adores! I talked with him a lot during the pregnancy and involved him as much as possible. He was very excited in anticipation for her arrival. F.Y.I.: We didn't find out the gender, so my family had great times predicting and anticipating the gender of the baby! My son is so helpful, which is a great benefit of the age difference. He can help watch/play with her while I do dishes or even take a shower. He is very responsible at 9 1/2 years old and can't wait to see his sister every morning and after school. He loves to make her laugh and smile, and it has been wonderful for him to have someone to look up to him. All this to say...I don't think it's ever too late to have more children if that is something that you and your husband are in agreement about. Children are such a blessing and they bring so much joy. If we have more children I would like them to be no more that 3-4 years apart since it is like 'starting over' in a sense. It was a big adjustment in the beginning, especially with the sleepless nights, nursing very frequently, and all the adjustments to having a new baby, including less time for yourself. However, after the first few months we got into a routine and have been doing great! I really enjoy staying home with my kids now and raising them. It's such a priveledge to have children. I hope this helps in your decision whether to have more children. If you decide to go for it, involve your son as much as possible (i.e. pray for the baby together, let him feel the baby move, show him online or in a book the stages in utero--it's fascinating...). He will be so much more accepting of his new brother or sister. Have a very Merry Christmas.
God Bless you and your family,
A.

My girlfriend has a daughter 9-10yrs (previous relationship)and a daughter 14mo (current marriage) they are the bestest friends ever!!! She's now pregnant agian due in March (oops!surprise!) and is due in March. She said that the girls will be sharing a room because they love eachother so much!! She doen't know the sex of the next baby.

Your odlest will be soo much help and want to help. I wouldn't worry at all.

Hope this helps
A. R.

Hi K.!

I, too, was just recently married, and have an 8 year old daughter. She is very much an only child, in every way. My husband wanted to have one of his own, and after a very short time, I was pregnant! I worry, too, about the differences in age. Especially since I was halfway to 18 with her! Being pregnant now, and enjoying the new adventure is what keeps me going, and what keeps the worries away.

You will, of course, enjoy every moment of going through momhood once again.

Good luck with your decision!

Hi K.,
Well my oldest son was 7 when I had my youngest son and I dont regret it for a second. The only regret I have is that I didnt have another one after him. He has never been treated like an only child, because he wasnt. I have three kids. He is treated differently NOW (oldes two are 25, 24 and he is 17) but that is just because my parenting skills are much better now and I am not as stressed out about things.
I say go for it. if you are healthy and you want another child then do it. and please consider having another child after this one is one or two.

Good luck

My girls are 9 1/2 years apart. It wasn't planned but that's how it all worked out. They still got on each other's nerves when my little one was a toddler, but my older daughter mothered her also, and enjoyed having someone young to read to and play with. However, as she got into high school she was too busy to hang with her little sister much. Now she is 20 and out of the house and my 11-year-old is enjoying the benefits of being like and "only." And I enjoy having her around -- we do lots of fun things together and I am SO GLAD I have her. Otherwise I'd already be an empty-nester! It is a little like having two only children, but they benefit from the extra time alone with parents, and it makes my life all the better. When they are older, they will spend time together, I'm sure. Right now, though, their interests are very different. (I was an only child, myself, and really liked being an only child.)

I have three children, 25, 23 and 16. My 16 year old with a second husband. I do have to tell you that it is like having an only child and my one regret is that I did not have another one after my youngest, so he to would have a sister/brother. It is not like he isn't considered a brother, he is and there are no "steps" in our house, but the age difference is so great, that when I ask that they do something or take him somewhere, they feel like it is "babysitting". When everyone was younger, it was o.k., but by the time my son was 7 or 8 and the others were in their teens, forget it.

I got remarried a few years ago and had my second child when my son was 9. He was so excited to have a little sister and definitely did not want to be an only child. Now that my daughter is almost 2 and my son almost 11, they can do things together. Plus, he is a great help and has learned a lot about babies. I think he is more aware of how hard it is to care for babies than his friends.

If you don't have a baby now, you might regret it later. It's been a wonderful experience for us and with the big age difference, it's not too tiring because the older child is self-sufficient in many ways.

Good luck!!

I know many people that have siblings years younger. Don't worry about it. Your children might not be especially close, but they might. You never know what the dynamic will be. We have a couple at church that have 12 kids. The oldest is in college and the youngest is about four. They are all close. My cousin had a child after his daughter was more than 10. She was very helpful with the little one without being made a babysitter. She loves her little brother and they are especially close because they have that caregiver kind of bond.

I have two girls and they are 9 years apart. I wanted them closer, but health issues and, at the time, my husband just liked having one. It has been awesome. The youngest loves her sister and her sister loves her. Don't get me wrong, like any kids, there is sibling rivalry, but it has been a good experience. It seems like a big gap, but the older one is her protector and sometimes vice versa. It is amazing how much the older one helped out too when she was a baby. She does help now, colors with her, plays barbies and such, but we make sure they each get their time with us doing those special things that only each can do. I am so glad we had both our children, no matter the age difference. It was kind of fun starting over.

Hi K.,

I don't have two children that far apart, but I do have younger siblings almost 9 years younger than me (with one sister in between). I do have to say that it was really wonderful for me to have them when I was a child (they are twins) -- it taught me a lot about being nurturing, responsibility, etc., and I was old enough to help my parents out a lot. Now, as adults, we have a great relationship, without much of the rivalry that goes on between siblings who are closer in age. So if you want to have another child, I would think it would be a good thing for everyone involved.

Best of luck whatever you decide!
R.

I also started over--a 12 year age difference. In fact, I put my daughter in college and my son in kindergarten in the same week! I tell folks all the time that I have two only children. It's been tough from time to time because I am older that a lot of his friends parents (I was 37 when Dylan was born), but I think I have the wisdom and perspective on parenting that I didn't have when Elaine was small. I was really tense as a first time mom! I've learned to pick my battles.

Looking at it from their perspective, it is a great relationship. My daughter is 26 and married now with 2 kids of her own, and my son is 14. He is great with his nephew and niece, enjoys his relationship with his brother in law (who has know him since he was 5). They are all good friends and the older one is a great resource for their Dad and me when our relationship with the younger one is tense as it can be through the teen years.

My sister and I were almost 7 years apart. I think it was too far apart, at least it was for us. We were not at all close growing up - we were just too far apart in age to have any similar interests. By the time the gap seemed to "narrow" a bit I was in college. Now as adults, it doesn't matter - but back then it did.

My daughter was 10 and a half when my second was born. For me it felt like having my first baby and being a new mom. My oldest is now a freshman in college and the younger one is in second grade. We had some rough times in the teen years becuase of going in rooms, letting the older one go places that the little could not go, trying to hang out with the teenagers but they love each so much. They are best friends. After I had my second I decided to have another and ended up with twins. Our house is always exciting and filled with so much love. I would say just do it if you can and enjoy!

R.

My sister has 3 children and they are each 8 1/2 years apart. It definitely is like having 3 only children. That is not all bad. You will have more time with each of them. They all get along fine. If you really want another child, you will make it work and everyone will get along. You just need to make time to be alone with your 9 year old so he doesn't feel left out.

I have two that are 7 years apart (8 and 19 months). It is a little like having two that are an only child, but it works for us! My 8 yr old is like a little mother!

You definately need to be prepared though-is a little challenging when you have had independance for so long!

Good luck!

Hi K.,
My children were 9 and 10 when I had my last one,now 4.
Yes, it is like having an only child.But my daughter is very close to my son,she was like a mother to him from the beginning,now she is just like a big sister.They love each other a lot.I don't regret it at all,but yes it was hard starting over.
My older son is 15 years old and is not to close,but he has Asperger's so it's normal.
Good luck.

I married when my son was ten. We had not planned on having anymore children. But God had a different plan for us. My son was 13 and one day when his sister was born. He was there for her birth and is the most protective big brother ever. He will be 21 and she will be 8 and it is the best experience ever. I never had the fighting over toys or tv, or any of the other sibling stuff they fight about. Make sure your son has his own space and that as the younger child gets older, that he/she respects his rules of that space.
Now with my son away at school, they miss each other, and when he comes home our house fills with the love they share.
Good luck

My brothers are 16 and 20 years older than I am. My niece is 8 years younger than I am and is more like a sister. It was just the way things were, and it really wasn't a big deal.

My brother and I are 9 years apart, with another brother 3 years younger than me - six older than the other brother. He was my baby to take care of, and stood up in my wedding. We were always close, and to this day still are. He has been a fantastic uncle to my kids.

My aunt and uncle had a baby when my cousin and I were 18 years old, which made the sibling next closest in age to him at 15. Same thing - still close and we loved having babies around. My cousin who was the 18 year old had a 4th baby and he was 10 years younger than the next youngest. She still says it's been the best decision she made. If you don't have this baby will you always regret it?

My children are 10 1/2 years apart and it is wonderful! My older son helps out so much and loves his twin brothers. I felt the same way about "starting over", but the babies have brought so much joy to our family and it's actually a great experience doing it over again. If you want to have another child, I say go for it, it's so worth it!

My best friend has a child 10 years younger. She was a Godsend and blessing. You'll also have a builtin babysitter if you occassionally get to go out for dinner with hubby (just don't take advantage of the teen or he'll be bitter).

I have a brother that's 10 years younger than me and we just recently in the last 2 or 3 years have really only gotten to know each other. I'm 38 and he's 28. we were in two different worlds.

Hi K.,
I can't say for sure about 9 years, but my sister is 7 years younger than I am and she is my best friend. I think it's all on how the parents set the relationship up at the begining - after that, it's just the kid's personalities and their experiences together. I say go for it, my world would be a very sad one without my sister.

Hi K., I too, am remarried, and had a child with my second husband...there was a 15 year span...it was like starting all over again...children are blessings and they bring so much joy to any family...I'm 60 years old now and my baby now is 21...when I look back, I know that the good Lord gave me this gift for a reason...I know whatever decision you make it will be the right one...Have an awesome day...J.

My sister and I are 5 years apart and the best of friends. My brother is actually my cousin, and we adopted him when he was 2. I was 13 when he was born. When we adopted him he gained 2 mothers. His whole childhood I was like another mother to him, teaching him life lessons, helping him with homework, listening to his problems. He's almost 14 now and we are starting to form a friendship on top of the motherly relationship we have. He still tells me things he can't go to my mom or other sister about.

In other words, they will not be like 2 only children. They may just form a different kind of bond then other siblings though. I'm sure your son will love watching the new one grow and helping along the way. Good luck! :)

I have 9 yr old triplets so they have always had each other. I also have an 8 months old that was a surprise. They get along great. Truthfully, my son doesn't really interact much with my little one-he wanted a brother-but doesn't resent her or anything. I suspect as she gets older he will be very protective of her. I had a brother that was 11 yrs older and a sister 9 years older and we were very close. Since your son is independant, it can be really easy to put him on the side. I would involve him in everything, from talking to him before hand and then involving him when it is time for the baby to come. He may not be that interested at first, but once the baby is older and he feels he can relate, I am sure everything will be fine. Just make sure you continue to have one on one time with him. Dad/stepdad too.

Although I don't personally have experience with this, 2 of my sister-in-laws had babies when their youngest was around 10. (one accident, one on purpose). They both say that the older children are a great help and really enjoy helping to take care of the baby. Although their relationship is different than if they had been close in age, it is still a beautiful relationship - just different.
I have a brother who is 8 years younger than me and now that we are adults, we never even notice the age gap.
I say get busy! ;)

While I don't have experience with being a *mom* to siblings who are spaced far apart, I do have experience with being a sibling in that circumstance. I come from a huge family, and my oldest sibllings are both 14 years older than me. Seven of my siblings are AT LEAST six years older.

The age difference isn't really an issue. It was probably one of the reasons we did get along so well. There isn't the competition like there is with kids closer in age. We didn't fight for the same toys, wear each others clothes, or need the same kind of attention from our parents.

My siblings were older and more independent, so they were able to provide my parents with more help around the house, making it easier for them. They were able to help babysit as we grew older. They were older and wiser, and acted like role models and advisors for us younger kids. (I even remember my parents using the car for leverage. "You can borrow my car, if you bring your little brother and sister with you." LOL!) They would take us to amusement parks, and things that my parents didn't care for. They would take us to concerts when we were tweens. (My first concert was a Bob Dylan concert with my brother seven years my senior. We still share a love of Dylan's music.) They even helped teach us to drive.

My siblings are all grown with families of their own now, and live all over the country. But we are still very close, and get along great. I look up to all of them, and appreciate the experiences they shared with me, the mentoring they provided, and the wisdom they shared. They are very protective of us, and value the experience we gave them with children, that they are appreciating now that they are parents.

Don't fret about age differences. It's not the closeness in age that makes the difference. It's the familiy atmosphere, the love, the time shared and the experiences shared, that makes all the difference.

It will be like having two families sort of speak. They say that anything 5 years and older has this affect. My sil has two daughters with ex and one son with new hubby. The daughters were 15 and 10 when the baby was born. The 10 year old is very helpful and adores the baby. The older one adores him as well but she's a teen so her perspective is a little different, her life is more important so for her to help without being asked puts her out. It's just all came back very naturally to my sil and she got another shower because of course she got rid of the the baby stuff from first phase. Go for it! You will never regret having a baby, but you will regret and wonder if you don't. Be blessed.

My husband and his brother are 10 years apart and have different dads. I know that my husband had a big hand in raising his little brother and they have always been close. The advantage for me is that my husband is a really great dad from the experience that he had raising his younger brother. From what I have seen, the big difference with having children so far apart is that they fight a lot less. I think my husband's younger brother really looks up to him and it is really sweet to see. Good luck!

Well, my daughter was 6 years older when her half-brother was born. They totally love each other! They play together, watch movies together, she reads to him at night and sometimes he wants her to rock him to sleep instead of my husband or I. Now that my daughter is almost 10 and my son is 3 1/2, they are the best of friends. When I plan on activities for them it's something I know they will both enjoy while also planning time for each of them alone. It was a huge adjustment for all of us but it worked out beautifully. I am due to have another baby in March and my daughter and this child will be 10 years apart, although the age difference is huge, I know that we will all do our best to make it work. Don't let the unknown hold you back from a great future! Take it one day at a time and enjoy your family, the old and the new. Good luck.

Hi K.,

I am 29 and I have a 15 year old brother. I love it and we are really close. The nicest part is not being an only child! Good luck in your decision.

I'm nine years older than my sister who is 49 now. We are best friends. Just went on a sister vacation together to Maui this fall. There's nothing like it. But we really didn't get to really know one another until she went to college. I have three sons, the older two were 8 and 11 when we had the last one. He was a very difficult baby, very colicky and strong willed but creative and fun. My husband helped a lot with him and our road was bumpy and had several potholes! He is also a late bloomer and now in his mid 20's, finally getting his life together. I can really relate to having the older ones independent. It's starting over again-it was hard but I wouldn't have done it differently.

That sounds identical to my family experience growing up. I am 9 years younger than my brother. It is just my brother and I and yes we both felt like only children. I played alone a lot, but my brother was very protective of me. He even once and a while would sit and play dolls with me. I looked up to him and believed every word he said. He kept the Christmas spirit alive in me because he used to play along with it and tell me that he saw Santa outside his window. (I thought if my big brother believed then he must be real.) When I had a nightmare he would let me sleep in a sleeping bag on his floor. The hard part was that he left for college when I was only 8 and I really missed him. He also still to this day treats me like a little kid. We never truly became good friends until I was in my twenties and we finally had some things in common. The truth is, I would not change my life at all. I love my brother and he could not imagine his life without me either. My parents are glad that we were that far apart, because it helped with no fights over the car, college was spaced apart and they were able to give us each a lot of one-on-one attention. There will always be pros and cons, but I think there are more pros than cons in this situation. Good luck!

My friend had her kids 9 yrs apart and they love it! The big brother is so proud and loves to help his little sister! (My husband wishes he had siblings, watching our kids play) My 14 yr old loves hanging out with her 6 yr old brother. It will be great! God Bless you! Best wishes!