Spread Too Thin

Updated on February 04, 2012
A.P. asks from Anaheim, CA
16 answers

Hi all, I am not sure where to begin, so hear goes.
I am a blind mom of 3 kids ages 10, 9, and 6. All of whom have completely different special needs including, Visual impairment and advanced intelect, Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD) and language and 2years developmental delay, and asthma/croup; respectively. My husband is also blind & we live in a 2 bedroom apartment.
I fully understand that cleaning, cooking, and caring for my family is my job of that I have no question, and I am quite happy doing. I do want to ask; how to make time to spend with my children. I homeschool, but I feel like I don't have a moment after the school portion of our day is done; since I spend that time doing all else that needs to be done. This includes intervening what seems like every half hour to stop my 2 youngest children from fighting over 1 thing or another. They are so close developmentally that they clash. Not to mention that my son understands that he is older than his sister and yet can't do what she can or that they are learning the same things despite the difference in age.
I've reached a point where I am so overwhelmed with all each day demands of me , that I have taken a few days this week, and just felt it easier to not do anything than try and end up back where I started from. My hubby gets frustrated with me for this behavior, which I am not proud of; nor is this what-who I am or want to be.
I tried to schedule routines, times, and reminders; still even that seems like an out-of-reach idea. Ug!
I don't want to be a mom that doesn't have time for her kids, but I feel that I don't even have time for me which is why I am sitting hear writing this post at 3:00 AM. I have no outlet since None of my "friends" can understand what I do on a daily basis, and none of them really care to. I know that those people don't matter since they don't care. I have 2 friends I can share my experiences with, but only 1 who has children with special needs & she lives too far away to have lunch or coffee with. :( *Wow, As I write this I am beginning to realize that I am a _mess* Anyhow, I would really like to know if there are any other moms or even dads in a similar situation & maybe we could offer support for each other?
I could really use some suggestions on making time for family activities, and 1-on-1 for all members of my family, (including me); and nipping this sibling thing in the bud; as well as anything else that would be helpful.
Thanks so much for your time & help.
God Bless,

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So What Happened?

Hi Moms,
First I want to say thank you all so very much for your suggestions and resources.
Although Public school is not an option (due to the horific nightmare experience we had with our local distric) and private school is _way too expensive; Here is what I found to work for me and I hope someone else can benefit from this update as well.
1. I set multiple alarms on my IPhone to help me stay on track throughout the day. Examples: WakeUp 6:00 AM, WakeUpKids 7:00Am, Meeal preparation, bedtimes, etc.
2. I found a great idea on one of my favorite blog sites www.thehappyhousewife.com; this was a chore card system. The system basicly consists of a task list in which all daily tasks are written or drawn or cut and paste magazine/newspaper pictures (for younger children or those who are not yet readers), once all these tasks are completed the children can have TV time, or other favorite activity time.
3. I got back in touch with a meetup group I was part of, and one I wasn't.
4. I did look into the HSLDA website, and am looking forward to reading the books that were shared with me.
5. I plan to hire a sitter at least once a week so that maybe Hubby and I can get away for a couple of hours.
I did have an answer for one of the moms who asked a great question about how I get the infromation from the computer.
I do have a screen reader that reads the information to me, making the computer accessible. I want to thank you for asking your question, you'd be surprised how many people don't ask and I'm really glad you did.

Thanks again to all of you for such wonderful, helpful, & practical suggestions.
God bless

More Answers

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J.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

What you describe happens to alot of homeschoolers at one point or another. It's tough when you're the teacher but you don't get to leave your work behind when the day is over! LOL!

Anyhoo, I sense you are beating yourself up over things that really are not that big of a deal, that is if you don't let them become a big deal. I think you all need a change of scenery and perhaps routine on a day to day basis. Sounds to me like none of you have enough opportunities away from each other during the week.

If you haven't already, find a homeschool co-op or support group. That alone will help with the monotony. Hopefully, the group will host regular, age appropriate activities for the kids to participate in so that they're not constantly together all of the time. If it's a support group, even you, the mom will have opportunities to hang out with other homeschooling moms, which is very nice because you can glean ideas on how to organize the house, or vent and realize that the craziness you experience isn't so unusual. To find one in your area, go to www.hslda.org and look up your state in the "You can Homeschool" section and you'll be able to find homeschool organizations listed through HSLDA.

If there are no opportunities like this in your area, or you are in a co-op/support group but it isn't cutting it for you and your family, or your or your children's disabilities prevents you from joining a group like this, I suggest finding something non-homeschool related that affords you all chances to be away for a while with your own kind. :)

I really think the kids fussing and fighting is more about their gender and interests, than the fact that they are so close in age. They're at that age where it's important to be with just the girls or just the guys. I don't know too many boys and girls between the ages of 7-12 that want to hang with each other...even if they're siblings. It's bound to be a recipe for wackiness.

Perhaps your daughter would enjoy some female companionship with girls her own age by joining a library book club, dance class, or arts and crafts program? And your son would enjoy open gym, Scouts, or some type of activity through community ed. that gives him an opportunity to burn some of that boy energy with other boys his age. If the disabilities you mentioned are a factor in choosing activities, perhaps you can contact an organization in your area that helps kids with challenges find social outlets. We have some organizations like that here such as Pacer Center and the Courage Center. I'm certain there is something similar in your area. I'd start there and see what you find. Whatever you do, I think getting each child out of the house, away from each other for at least once a week will make a tremendous difference for you at home, and it will give you time to do something one-on-one with the child who is still at home.

As for schooling and keeping peace. Do you sit in the same room to work at the same table? I don't know how your home is set up, but if it's big enough, it may be time to set up work stations in different places in the home so the kids are separated and unable to distract or interact with each other during lessons.

If your home is small, it may be time for you to sit between them at a shared table to ensure no Tom Foolery is going on. I know some moms who will use the time their kids are supposed to be quietly reading or working on papers to clean the house and get the day to day things done. But sometimes this isn't possible if the kids are really young and haven't learned to self regulate and stay on task. They need to see you sitting there to stay on task. If you have to do this, get a timer and set it for blocks of time. Tell the kids they need to work within that window of time and finish their current class/project/paper or they won't be able to take a break at the end of the time. In between lessons, have physical activities planned to jump start their brains and work out the ants. There is a great article today at http://thepioneerwoman.com/homeschooling/ in the homeschool section about the need for homeschoolers to incorporate physical activities throughout the day. It is so easy to get into this thing where your kids are practically chained to the chair working and they get antsy, crabby and sometimes down right crazy because they don't have enough outlets to burn energy. The author gives some very creative ideas to keep things happy and busy at home. Some other great resources include books by Carol Barnier and Melissa Boring:

Here's a recent homeschool lecture short by Carol Barnier. She homeschools a special needs child. She's inspiring:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geI_S6oe9sU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLoVt1JXpCs&feature=re...

Here are books.

http://www.amazon.com/Big-What-Book-Learning-Styles/dp/19...

http://www.amazon.com/How-Your-Child-Refrigerator-Learnin...

http://www.amazon.com/Diapering-Watermelon-Then-Whered-Le...

They both have blogs as well:

www.sizzlebop.com
www.headsupnow.com

You'll like Dianne Craft as well:

www.diannecraft.org

As for keeping the house cleaned an organized, I don't know too many homeschoolers who have perfect homes. You have to remember, you are home all day and the home is being well used! You probably have lots of books and papers to manage and who knows what type of space you have to work with? If possible, take a few days to get the home organized to suit your day to day needs. The goal should be to create a home for everything you use daily. For the rest, consider whether you need to keep it at all and either toss it or donate it.

During the day, take breaks just to make everyone straighten the area up and get it neat again. If the kids are old enough to work in the kitchen, have them make their own breakfasts, snacks, and take turns with lunch duty. Invest in microwave cooking dishes so the kids can safely cook. Convection or counter top toaster ovens are great too. This opens more time for you to get other things done. They can each take turns loading the dishwasher or washing dishes and putting them away. A great breaktime activity can be a relay to see which kid can finish a house task first. One can load and empty the washer and dryer and the other vacuum a room. The first one done gets a small candy treat. Or they can have a clothes folding relay the winner gets an extra five minute break before hitting the books again. For dinners, you can load up a crock pot first thing in the morning, and by the time hubby is home from work, dinner will be ready and fuss free. Just get creative and you will see things will get done. Don't be afraid to have the kids be part of the solution.

Last, but not least, if you don't find a homeschool support group, you yourself should still find something you enjoy doing that is outside the home. A little as one hour away each week can do wonders for recharging your soul. Take a knitting class, learn Kung Fu, or join a church organization or just go to church. Being surrounded by quiet and stained glass can be as theraputic as going to a spa! And it doesn't cost money. :) You might be able to take a community ed. class while your children are busy at a class, cutting down on a need to worry about daycare or travel issues.

Finding a homeschool chat room or message board like this is a great help too. When you need to vent or some instant support you can get it. Check out http://homeschoolcentral.com/message.htm

This is a great place to start, you'll find there are so many forums and message boards to join!

Stay strong and positive. This phase shall pass. It is only a phase. You aren't alone and you aren't doing anything wrong. You just may need to change things up and get out more. It will all work out. You'll see. HOpe this helps some.

8 moms found this helpful
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B.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

Wow, you are truly a woman to be honoured. What a blessing you have given to your children, a full time mom who loves and supports them in all that they do. You are wonderful.
A couple of tips I offer my clients: (I have many other tips on my blog at AksBarbilee.com)

1. A daily 10 min tidy - every day the entire family gathers for 10 mins and has a job to do, sweep, dust, wash walls, windows etc. for just 10 mins. Put on some great music and clean for only 10 mins. Your kids are old enough that they can all do a good job of something. Even if it's just you and the kids that is 40 mins a day of housework. It never gets overwhelming, it's always fun.

2. Stick to a schedule. You have to break up your day for fun and things that YOU like to do. If you do not nourish you who will? Go for a walk, play at the park, take a 5 minute dance break, sing...just do something that you want to do. It's not always about the kids.

3. Planned quiet time. Every day everyone needs to "wind down". reading a book, listening to music or just "vegging out" (NOT in front of the tv). Schedule it in. When my kids were a bit younger (they are 12 and 16 now) we used to put the Lego out on the floor and I would read to them. We read all 7 Harry Potter books this way.

4. EVERYTHING you do is a teachable moment. Washing dishes you can "calculate/estimate the amount of water in the sink to wash dishes" Then measure and confirm. Grocery shopping: give each child a "budget to shop with" and they must stay within their budget. Even give them the money at the checkout so that they calculate cost and change. Walking around the neighbourhood, "percentage of 2 story homes to 1 story homes" or "ratio of garages to none". Be creative.

5. Meetup.com is a great resource. You can find moms groups in your area, other homeschooling parents and groups just for you.

My best advice, when you feel "overwhlemed" or "under pressure" just look up and see the vastness of what is truly there. If it's God, Spirit, the Universe, or whatever name you give that power you see or feel, just know that this is your journey and everything is always exactly as it supposed to be. Enjoy the kids while they are young, they do not stay that way forever. My 16 year old came home last week with college books...

B.
Family Success Coach

3 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Wow talk about trying to do it all! It sounds like you are doing an amazing job but you need to find some help. I can not imagine doing all that you just described. I am not in your situation but I would talk to your pediatrician and ask if they know of programs for the children. ( almost like an aftercare or after school activity) A few hours out for the kiddos to spend with their peers may help with the constant infighting and may give you a much needed break. Good Luck!!!

2 moms found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Hartford on

Just try to remember that anything you do with your children is educational - teaching them how to keep house, taking them for a walk through the park, talking with them about their favorite movies.

I prefer the format of unschooling, since I prefer the relaxed, creative and experiential nature of it. It allows for a natural flow of activities - as well as fun for everyone all around.

Many moms and dads are overwhelmed nowadays because they either have parents who live a million miles away or parents who are too unhealthy to physically manage children. It's unfortunate, but an excellent opportunity to reach out to others - whether it be through a church, library or other homeschooling families. Homeschooling networks are a great resource and can be found by word of mouth or online searching.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.B.

answers from Atlanta on

You've put too much on your plate! Either ditch the homeschooling and send them to school or hire a cleaning service. One or both of those will help you immensely! And remember -if you're homeschooling, you ARE spending time with your kids every day!

Does your husband help with the housework? If not-he should. You need to stop trying to do it all. You can't do it all. When we try to do it all -we go nuts because it's impossible to sustain day after day after day. Right now you're trying to be teacher, housekeeper, mommy and wife. Four full-time jobs is a bit much! Plus -where is the "YOU" time? We all need it -and it sounds like you are desperately overdue for some. I wish you luck in getting this sorted out, but please -let something go and free up your life a little bit!

2 moms found this helpful
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T.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

Wow,
I am in awe of what you are doing! I am a master student without visual impairment and only have one very active, but very healthy child, and still feel overwhelmed.
I think you are some sort of super hero.
I am not sure if there are some social services you can contact? I know things are different in the US, but in Germany (where I am from) you would absolutely be entitled to have get help a few times a week and the government would pay for it. Is there any agency you can turn to who might send someone for the household or to play with the kids?
You absolutely deserve some time for yourself.
Is there any way you can have a regular afternoon off? It sounds like you spend a lot of time with your kids already, even homeschooling them. You are so dedicated that I think you need to find a way to be kind to yourself right now too. Maybe a regular fitness class you can take (I think maybe something like yoga might work if you cannot see?), or a regular time to take a long walk, or to listen to a free afternoon concert?
If you forget about yourself you have less energy for the kids too. By helping yourself you help everyone around you to.
Best wishes!
Leo

2 moms found this helpful

M.J.

answers from Milwaukee on

It really seems like you are taking on a little much. Could you get a tutor to come in and do some extra stuff with the kids while you spend some one on one time with them. Are they in any out of the house activities? Maybe a tutor for the 9 year old so he/she is not constantly reminded that they are at the same level as their 6 year old sibling. Then they would have their own things to learn separately.

And have you and your DH sat and talked lately re: homeschooling being the best option for your family.

1 mom found this helpful
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B.M.

answers from Allentown on

I had to write, as I wanted to let you know how inspiring your question was to me! ...and I dis agreed with some of the opinions given to you (which is bound to happen) :)
You aren't a mess- Like any mom of children who is with them constantly- you simply need a break from time to time. This give you a break from them AND them a break from you. I have found that to be equally important in how we all re-act and treat each other.
I think you don't give yourself enough credit for everything and the time you ARE spending with your children. I LOVE that you are homeschooling them and this is time that most parents don't spend with their children but you are! A parents job is to educate their children and you are doing that to the utmost! The awesome thing about homeschooling is that you can incorporate a little more of actual life events into their education- making it more meaningful and relevant. It sound like you may need to make their schooling a bit more spontaneous and maybe less formal time? But this is ALL time you are spending with them!

1 mom found this helpful
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M.M.

answers from Philadelphia on

I am a homeshcool mom of 6 still at home and I have been humbled by your life. Some things that have helped me are that since I know now that I can't do it all, I take the one thing that is stressing me most and do that. Also, I get up earlier and have my prayer and coffee time. I love to read about unschoolers so that I can try and relax when I don't get as much done as I would like schoolwise. Luckily, in NJ, the regulations aren't as tough. I also remember that I am trying to make saints, not scholars. The bond that the kids have is so close, and I know that if they were away all day, plus doing homework a lot at night, they wouldn't be. I try to get one on one time even if it's a trip to the store or a quiet moment with a book. I have heard that sibling rivalry is more about "Who do you love most?". So I try not to take sides, but remind them how to communicate such as "I feel ________ when you ____________." JL from Saint Paul has so much to offer in her post. Remember, one day at a time and check out Heart to Heart with Diane's Blog. dianehopkins.blogspot.com. They are a great homeschooling family that sends me emails with lots of goodies. Anyway, feel free to private message me anytime, especially since I myself can feel isolated and in need of another mom for support and understanding.
Blessing,
M.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

Wow, you are amazing! I can tell you were exhausted when you wrote your original post and that you feel better now that you "vented" some of your frustration. I think your solutions are excellent. I have nothing to add other than to say that you are a true inspiration! I suffer from Fibromyalgia, but (compared to what you have to deal with) its a walk in the park! Thank you for reminding me that none of us are given more than what we're able to handle. I really hope God Blesses you and your family abundantly. You really deserve it!! Just stick to your resolution to get a sitter and make some time for you and your hubby. Best wishes from South Africa.

1 mom found this helpful
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C.B.

answers from Boston on

Wow!! Amazing! No wonder you are overwhelmed. I only have 2 kids and the youngest has some learning issues, and just dealing with that and our parents and house repairs and cleaning and laundry and teenage moods (mine are 11 and 14) is overwhelming me, but in comparison I have it EASY.

If I were you I would send the kids to public school. By law they are entitled to a “free appropriate public education,” often referred to as a FAPE. FAPE is a standard set by the federal Individuals with Disabilities Education Act of 2004 (IDEA). IDEA defines FAPE at 20 U.S.C Section 602(9) as follows: “the term ‘free appropriate public education’ means special education and related services that (a) have been provided at public expense, under public supervision and direction, and without charge; (b) meet the standards of the State educational agency; (c) include an appropriate preschool, elementary school, or secondary school education; and (d) are provided in conformity with the individualized education program required under section 614(d).”
With three kids with disabilities I would take all the advantage I could of this law and send them to a public school.

1 mom found this helpful

K.M.

answers from Chicago on

Honestly, I think the best thing for you to do is to call in reinforcements and if you think you do not have any you are wrong! I think it is time you check out public or private schooling for your children. You need time to gather your home, yourself and research ways to help your children develop to their full potential mentally, socially and physically. I think you need some time for you and the kids need some time in a school environment, even if only on a part time basis (private) I think it's time you make time for everyone in your family with out anyone feeling the burn out.
Purely out of couriosity - how do you get the information from our posts? Does your computer read them to you or is there a special program I am really interested in the answer if you do not mind shareing.

1 mom found this helpful
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T.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

Oh my dear! When I read your post I wanted to give you a huge hug! Then I read your follow up and wanted to give you another hug! You are an AMAZING mom. Truly. Your children are so incredibly fortunate to have such a hard-working, loving, caring, intelligent mom to raise them.

I'm so glad that you found what you needed on this site. I know it has helped me many times. Also glad to hear that you are going to cut yourself some slack and get yourself some help. You are only human, my dear.

Best of luck to you and your precious family!

1 mom found this helpful
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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

I don't live near you, but I googled to try to find support groups and found this- I hope it helps. They might be able to get you in touch with someone that can help or a specific support group.

Team of Advocates for Special Kids (TASK) (Posted 2007; Outside Source); 100 West Cerritos Ave.; Anaheim, CA 92805, ###-###-####, Fax###-###-####; ____@____.com;

There's also meetup.com - I did a search for special needs and what I found was autism/aspergers related. You might be able to start one, but I don't know if that would be too much or a relief...

Good luck and take care.

1 mom found this helpful
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T.S.

answers from Honolulu on

You are an amazing woman! Wow you do so much. My grandmother was also blind and raised my mom and was an awesome Grandma. She was very creative and artistic as well. That being said she often felt that she could do so much and rarely every asked for help. I think that you should contact your community services and see if there is help that you could obtain at no charge to help with some of the household duties and obligations that you have so that you could have more down time to spend with your family. In California it is called IHSS In home social services. Not sure what it would be where you live. You deserve a little help. Perhaps tthe Lions Club in your area could refer you.

Aloha and God Bless

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M.L.

answers from Colorado Springs on

I'm not in your situation, but you're in my prayers. I hope you can get a support group together.

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