Spoiled Husband

I would make him a list. That way he has direction and can keep track of what needs to be done. My husband is most helpful when I am specific and make him a list. If I just say HELP ME, nothing is really accomplished. Good luck, I know it's frustrating.

If he's embarrassed then you sit down with him and make a plan. If he wants it to change, what can HE do to help you and change it?

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Your Husband:
- sounds like a single Male
- sounds like a House-guest

BUT...he is:
- A Husband, and
- A Father
-AND lives in a family. Not by himself.

THUS, he has responsibilities to HIS family/Wife/Kids/Household.

A Man/Husband/Dad... can do ANYTHING a woman does, except breastfeed.

My Husband (although not perfect either):
- Works full time
- Goes to school as well
- Comes home from work and studies... EVERYDAY, 7 days a week. Pulling all nighters for studying and keeping up his GPA. Very important.

But.. my Husband, will help.
Why?
Because, I tell him to.

My Husband, has said, that because he is so busy in his mind and always studying/working... he does not think... about the household/kid stuff. Because I am doing it. I am a SAHM. BUT... he also says, that instead of me getting pissy and bitchy about it... JUST TELL HIM.... what I want him to do... because if I don't say anything, he assumes I am fine and don't need help. Because... men CANNOT read a woman's mind.

So that is what I do.
I give him head's up.
If I want him to do something or help... I tell him. And try to do it ahead of time. So that, he can pace his studying and then when he has a moment, he will come out of his cave and help.
Mind you, school for him also means, doing online things... at the computer and it is often timed or he is online with a Teacher and he can't just LEAVE the computer and leave the online discussion at the spur of the moment. THUS... he DOES need to be told, ahead of time.
It is only, fair. For him. For me.

Now... for your Husband... don't let him be a "Boarder."
Make him do things.
Make a "Daddy Do-List" poster and put it up on the wall.
Put on it, things HE needs to do. And daily or whatever.

He is 'embarrassed' for his dear Mommy to come over to your house.
Well he is not a baby, and can clean up the house too.
He is a grown-up MAN.

And you BOTH have a child, with learning disabilities... so WHERE is your Husband in all of this? Does he even know his own child or help???
If not, then he NEEDS to.
YOU need to sit him down and have a grown-up conversation... about his ROLE in the family, about his ROLE as a Husband and about his ROLE as a Father.
He needs to: STEP-UP. Because, he is being a baby. Not doing anything. But he has this grown-up life of being married, having a child, and having a family and having a home.
So... what the heck does he think? He can just live there like a hotel guest?

HE can help and help make things "perfect" too.
And you, his Wife, works.

He is a bump on a log.
MAKE HIM DO THINGS.

He sounds very lazy.
He sounds like a child.
He, even if going to school, hardly has homework???
How can that be?
Are you sure?
MAYBE, he is just flaking off school, too.
And wasting his money.
How many classes is he taking????
What is his GPA?
I would ask him.

My Husband goes to school and is ALWAYS studying, 7 days a week. He has to. I KNOW what my husband's classes are and his load of work/homework. It is a TON.

If my husband was home all afternoon and did NOTHING while I was at work he'd be a very hungry man with no clean clothes. dishes or a bed to sleep on.

To answer your question, EVERYTHING is wrong with this picture. Honestly, if I were you I'd probably make him a chore chart. If he didn't complete a, b, and c then he makes his *own* dinner that night. The point to really remember though is, that if he DOES do something, you just thank him - no nit picking or criticising.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm a SAHM but my husband still will cook dinner if I'm not feeling well or had a rough day. And we share our parenting duties pretty equally.

I'm dealing with the same issue right now. My husband works a lot of hours, but he will even say his job isn't stressful...just physical. Well, my job is very stressful and yet I'm the one at home who is doing most of the work. He will pitch in here and there, but nothing on a regular basis. I'm going to take some of the adivce some of the other moms have given you. Over the weekend, I completely cleaned the house. I was exhausted. I woke up on Monday morning (his day off) and his clothes that he wore on Sunday were in a pile in the middle of the living room floor. It took everything in my power to not light them on fire! Instead, I picked them up and threw them in the garage. He wasn't happy, but I told him that he left a pile in the middle of the floor and I assumed it was garbage, so away it went.
Bottom line, they're men. Yes, my husband grew up in a house where his mom did everything and she still does...so...Monkey see, monkey do.

Definitely talk with him about 'teamwork' in the house. You can create a list of things you each have to do, and go from there with adding additional chores to help each other to make it easier on both. Having to do everything you've mentioned, the house may not be as neat as a pin everyday. :-) I know mine isn't. lol With two kids, the house chores are never completely 'done'. HA!
I'm a lucky gal....I found a hubby that will practically do anything I ask of him. And if he doesn't know, or isn't sure how something is done, he'll ask, I'll tell him, and he'll get it done. I also help him with the outdoor chores. Mowing, and pool cleaning, edging, pulling weeds, trimming bushes.....ugh...it's exhausting when you include household chores on top of that, but we work as a team and our house is presentable.....most of the time. LOL
So talk with him and ask him to help you more around the house, and you and he get together a list of chores that you all can team up on. :-)

My husband doesn't help a lot around the house, but he works 60-70 hours a week and cooks dinner any night he isn't cooking for 80 other people. And he has never ONCE criticized my housekeeping, no matter how messy it got. He considers that insulting and would never purport to tell me how to do my job.

My husband and I both work. He does most of the cooking and usually mops. I do my clothes and the kids clothes, He does his own. Sometimes I do the dishes, sometimes he does. He live don his own for a long time before we met, so he knows how to do things. (He irons better than me, but we rarely iron anything).
I explained to my husband when he moved in that I wasn't going to be his maid and he wasn't going to be my lawn guy. For many years, I mowed while he did the weed-eating and edging. You need to talk to your husband and have him help more. OH, we've also had the talk about how his doing things around the house is not 'helping me'. He lives here too, he's just doing his part.

What you could ask yourself is this: What would he have to do if you weren't around? Laundry? Yes. Dishes? Yes. Sweep, mop, vacuum, grocery shop? Yes. There's your answer.

We teach people how to treat us. If you have settled for this, you can renegotiate the relationship. However, since no one particularly enjoys cleaning, except Martha Stewart, you may expect some sort of temper tantrum from him. But once you work through that, you could have a husband that does all the above and more!

Just like mine!

And yes, there was a time where I did everything, including taking out the trash and then I asked "myself" that very question.

Don't make excuses for your husband to let you do all the work! He is an adult and chooses not to help you. Make no mistake.

Talk with him. Explain that things are different at your home than how he grew up. If he is embarrassed then he needs to start helping out a bit more. I can't complain one bit about my husband. He cooks, cleans, takes the trash out and mows our yard. He does laundry too, but I mostly try to keep up with it because I don't like the way he does it. :)

I'm the one that's spoiled. My husband lets me sleep in and feeds the kids before I get up. Then he brings me a cup of coffee in bed and kisses me good morning. He does all the laundry for all 5 of us. He does dishes when he sees they need to be done and he is the only one that sweeps the floors. He also does whatever needs to be done outside (although we have a very low maintenance yard). He never, ever has "complained" about what I do or don't do. From day ONE he has only said that he wants me to "care for the kids". He literally will do everything else if I just sat on the couch all day! I dont understand women who have men that don't do anything. I read a book that was very interesting and maybe it will help you: "the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It gives some good insight on men and their thinking. I'm sorry I can't help since my hubby is one in a billion and I thank my lucky stars for him every single day! Good luck!

I started making a list of all the things that needed to be done each day adding EVERY household chore, phone call that needed to be made, appointments, errands, etc. and doing that for an entire week. I crossed things off that I finished and "rescheduled" things that didn't get done with arrows pointing to the next day. At the end of the week, I showed my husband the list. I explained to him that I did all of this on top of working a 50 hour week and asked him if he thought it was fair that I did all of this stuff by myself, without any help from him. I made another list of chores that needed to be done daily, one list of chores that needed to be done weekly and a list of "big chores"-the projects that are always sitting in the background. I told him that he was not only leaving these things all for me to do, but that I was also responsible for taking care of repairmen, doctorsand anything else that might pop up and I just couldn't do it all, nor should I have to. When I put it that way, calmly and laid out clearly, he understood unlike when we'd fight about it. I started keeping my to-do list as a regular habit and leaving it on the kitchen counter, so he could see it anytime and do something on the list, instead of me having to ask him to do X, Y or Z all the time. It has helped both of us stay focused on the mechanics of our household and has made him more responsible for sharing the work.

Well, we know where he gets his habits from!

This is what I've told other wives for years. Do not do for him! Prove a point, period. Call him lazy and prove it to him. Don't wash his laundry when it's your turn. Do not fold his clothes. Do not put his away. Keep it piled on the couch and when someone wants to sit down just toss it on him and call him a lazy arse! When you make the bed, only make your side. Do enough dishes for you and the children just before it's time to eat. Cook dinner for just you and the children. Tell him to make a sandwich! Become a barking witch and demand more or he can go sleep in the car, period. Whenever it decides to sink in (days, weeks, months) sit down and set up a cleaning schedule for everyone in the house. Demand that he keep up with his side of the bargain, or again, he can go sleep out in the car! If sex is important, cut him off! Whatever his enjoyments are, cut them off or make it hard for him to do them. Demand that he help with the children or go sleep in the car. If you're working and he's not, he should be cooking dinner 4 days and you 3. Devise a plan. Chores need to be split up between you two and the entire family as the family is a team. If you are too tired to do things, don't do them! Bark at him! Or come home with a tent for him to sleep in and toss it in the back yard. Believe me, I've had many friends over the years take these extremes when a light bulb finally went off in their heads and it took a while but the men finally woke up!!!!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Do you ask him nicely to do specific things? dont expect him to notice what needs to be done and do it. I'm sure you've already told him you need him to do more and it isnt his fathers world anymore
SO hit 'em in the money purse (if he cares about money)
If you come home and the kitchen is dirty say "OOPs cant cook here we're going out to eat, grab the kids and jump in the car, dont wait for him.
Leave a shopping list in a clearly defined spot, if he doesnt buy the groceries say OOPs nothing to eat here lets go out to eat. and I guess we'll buy lunch tomorrow at work and school. Hire a cleaning woman to come when he's home, hand him the cash and have him pay her so he knows how much it is.
If he doesnt care about spending money if you have plenty of money this wont work. (and dont you worry about money this is a temporary fix to a problem, to see if he will start doing more to save money.
Marriage counseling would be great because a good counselor will help you to discuss these problems in a calm, non accusatory way. Men have a problem where they hate to be criticized, they crave respect but dont like to be told what to do. So it's very hard to ask for their help and a third party can really help

Guys know how to mow the lawn.....

They don't like doing things they are not sure they are good at....

Pick a battle. Since he is going to school I would go with homework. When I was going to school, working, losing my mind, the only way I had time to help them with homework is if all of us sat at the kitchen table and did our homework.

If they had questions they asked and usually when they got done before me they nosed around in my books. My son wants to be a bean counter as well. :p

Maybe after you sort that out you can teach him how to fold laundry or better yet ask him how he thinks it should be done and let him. :)

Oh, Troy helps me with everything but he is another one in a million.

What do you do that you need help with? Be nice. Be kind. Tell him what is on your mind. Don't hint. Be plain and forthwright. He won't be able to read your mind.

Tell him you need some help. Then tell him why and tell him what you need help with or help doing.

Ask him what of the things you need help with that he'd like to do. I'd much rather buy the groceries and cook the dinner than wash the dishes.

Good luck to you and yours.

Tell dear husband that he doesn't live with his mother any more. One final day my husband (who moved out to his 1st apt. when he was 18) used that old excuse, "well, I wasn't raised that way." I reminded him that he had chosen to live with me and not his mother AND we had been together for half as long as he was with his mom SO ... I did NOT ever want to hear that lame excuse again! It WORKED ... never again, maybe he hadn't thought about it that way. Tell him you don't want to feel resentment and the best thing he could do for you AND your son is to do his share in the house if it's important to him to have a happy family. Good luck!

Time to sit down with your hubby and discuss what you BOTH need to do to make this marriage more of a team. You are enabling your husband, and continuing the cycle that his own mom created, by picking up the slack...doing EVERYTHING because it needs to get done. You don't mention that your husband works...so his school hours are just 7:30-12:30? If that is it...then he should be expected to do a whole lot more!

Do not turn into a drill sergeant..do not withold love and affection..do not threaten. Nagging, bitching and ranting do not help a marriage. Those will all backfire on you. He may do the chores but he will resent you..and you turn into his mommy and not a loving wife needing her husband's help.

Sooo, sit down and write a list of ALL the things that need to be accomplished within the household. Have him write his own separate list. Go in different rooms to do this exercise. I will place bets that his may have about 5 things on it...men are simple. Then, go through your lists and compare and consolidate to one master list. Then start checking off the things you each will do.

He can cook dinner a couple times a week. Help him feel comfortable doing things out of his comfort zone. When he does it...praise him and don't criticize. So many times men don't step up and help because;first, the thought doesn't cross their mind because it isn't important to them and second, they feel unsure or inadequate that they can do it as good as you and third, they don't want a lecture or the sigh from wifey when they didn't meet expectations.

I am a SAHM and still my husband helps out a ton with household duties in and outside of the home. He takes the kids for weekends at a time so I can go away with friends and relax. He looks for things that need to be done around the house and does it. His mother was a SAHM and taught him how to cook and clean and organize. I am extremely blessed. My mom was a SAHM and she also taught us the same...boys and girls alike. It is a shame when mothers(and fathers) do a disservice to their kids...and ultimately future spouses...by doing everything for them.

I love the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It really helped me understand my husband as a man. I recommend reading it. The book and its' author get bashed a lot...but hands down it was the best book to help one understand how men think...what makes them tick(and it isn't purely sex and food) and the interpersonal relationship between the sexes.

Good luck and best wishes. I feel for you!! Oh...and as for the MIL issue...when she sees the mess at your home she is seeing first hand what mess SHE created. Help undue that mess and help your husband help out more within your home.