Spoiled Autistic Child?

If she is 9 and hasn't spoke there is nothing mild about her! She behaves the way she does because she is autistic it has nothing to do w/ her being spoiled. My cousin is autistic and still eats mostly rice and chicken instead of other foods. I suggest if you are going to continue to provide care for her you go to library and take out some books on autism. I agree w/ the last poster I hope the mom reads this and finds out exactly what type of person you are. Its like calling some one that is paralyzed and can't walk lazy for being in a wheel chair!

everyone is being so polite. Using the word spoiled - and you are the caregiver- I just hope the Mom reads this and figures out who you are. Yikes! BTW I am not sure that a child who has not talked until age nine is considered to be mildly autistic.

Please - do not think she is spoiled. She is playing by the rules as she understands them. Teaching her new behaviors like dressing or trying a new food is best done by focusing on only ONE item at a time. And I mean one - like today we are going to practice putting on a SOCK. Then praise her to high heaven if she attempts it. If you are trying to tackle dressing, eating new foods, picking up toys etc all at once - well, she is going to become very agitiated and not even hear your requests. It's not fun, and then she is screaming all day. Ask if you can speak with her school teachers for more advice - they seem to have had success with her in these areas. Children with autism don't perceive or learn the ways other kids do, so teaching them is not as straightforward and natural as it is with other children. You have to meet them halfway and go slowly. There are times they will learn quickly and jump ahead, and other times they will regress and seem to lose skills. If she is non-verbal, it becomes even more difficult to guess if they are not feeling well, have a toothache, feel tired, or even if they are being bullied or teased at school.
All that being said, bless you for taking care of her. It is extremely difficult to find loving caretakers for autistic children and I am sure her parents really appreciate your efforts. You can make a big difference in their lives and hers. Please keep asking questions and know that there are lots of resources on the Web to help you understand this little girl and her behaviors. Cheers!

Hi,
I am a Social Worker and my "specialty" happens to be children on the Autism Spectrum. I am not sure what training you have for working with an autistic child. If she has not "started talking yet" - she may never begin so you have to take her lack of speech into account when working with her. Not having any speech makes it very difficult for her to communicate what she is thinking and sets her at a disadvantage - much like a 2 year old who is not able to convey their point. That said - the most important thing to remember when working with a person with autism is Repetition, Repetition, Repetition...Although she does some things at school - to her, home is a completely different environment (also consider that some parents of autistic children feel badly and over compensate by doing everything for them - or they just get worn down and it is easier to do it themselves). Autistic kids are rigid and any break in routine is extremely difficult for them. If you want her to take her plate to the sink this is a HUGE task for her not because it is difficult to pick it up and carry it, but because it is an upset to her routine. I suggest you read up on Autism - this will make the experience more enjoyable for both of you!
Best of luck.

Hello to the Single parent of this child. Kudos to you. Hello to the woman writing this also...Autism is just that Autism! I was laughing at some of the comments below but only read a cpl. FIRST and foremost...Autistic children are VERY smart...and VERY capable of BEING normal and functioning normal in society. Our son is almost 3 and was diagnosed with (PDD-NOS). There is still much more we need to learn about his condition but it does not give the child free reign in life...if thats how you spell it. We got our son a whole team of ppl who work with him and specialize in Autism...his problem was he was having a hard time to communicate with us to tell us his wants and needs....after a 6 mths of home visits...our son can communicate way more then he ever has. The answer you seek for this 9 year old...is " EARLY INTERVENTION" <--- with that being said...I realize this child is 9 but its never too late and the earlier the better. Dad needs to stop spoiling her...she is not handicapped...she is not different then any other child except she has a few problems with being able to express herself and or communicate...all Autistic children are different...but I can assure you...that with speech therapy, her being taught to ask for what she needs...and doing it in a manner that she needs. We tried to teach our son all kinds of things but didn't know at the time he was Autistic. Once we found out....we had already gotten a speech therapist involved and one thing led to another and before we knew it...we had a whole team working with our son. GOOD luck to you and this 9 year old...get her some services started up...which is one of the best things u can do...stop spoiling her...and remember how smart and capable she is...because SHE IS...and don't believe otherwise. Autistic children are some of the smartest kids out there. Also...our son is a visual learner...he copies what he sees...so we found these videos called its Signing Time. VERY good videos..and he loved them. He has learned so much and he can sign to us for what he wants and needs...things have gotten much better for us but we still have a long road ahead of us. Good luck to you guys. All she needs is love, boundaries and lots of intervention and help to guide her... you will get there... =)

personally I think before trying too hard you should get some training or read some books on autism and it may help you understand better why she acts the was she does. What about talking to her special ed teachers at school and find out how they do it? They may use pictures for communication and to help her know what to do when. Lots of children with autism are visual thinkers so they need that. Look up PECS and it may be able to be explained better. I found a couple neat sites called: www.do2learn.com and http://www.setbc.org/pictureset/ that have pictures you can download for free. Good luck!

HI A.,

I would suggest you read the book "Let me Hear your Voice" by Catherine Maurice. It is a memoir from a mother whose child was recovered from Autism. I am glad your niece is fairly compliant, but it will take some strength on your part to help her develop the skills you are hoping to see in her.
--J.
Helping families protect their children
www.LiveTotalWellness.com/Arizona

Hi A., I am not sure how to respond to this. There are so many concerns regarding this child. The food issue is a big one. Autistic children also have sensory issues. You may view her food choices as picky, spoiled however, many autistic children only eat 2-3 food choices. This is not a spoiled thing. This is part of the disabiltiy. If nutrition is a concern the parents hsould seek a nutritionist as well as ABA therapy to help her with behavioral, sensory and feeding concerns. CHildren with autism also usually have some type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that goes with the Autism. This is why she may be so very rigid in her routine and choices. It is not something she can control and she may become extremel yupset if anyone attempts to change her routine or order. It is her way of making sense of her world, surroundings, environemt. From what you have said I am wondering if the family has had any support from a program. It seems they or you might need some direction in how to better handle the situation and prepare this little girl for functioning in school and in the community. There is a wonderful book called Let Me Here Your Voice, written by an successful woman with Autisma nd how she struggled wioth the disabilty. It is a wonderful book for both you and the family. To better understand what this little girl is going through. Good luck and be patient.

Dear A.,

As a parent of an eleven year old, nonverbal autistic boy, I decided to put in my two cents. Not to give you false hope, but my son hardly said a word until he was nine years old. While his vocabulary has vastly improved with the PECS system, sign language usage, and therapy both in school and private sessions, he is still considered to be nonverbal. If you or the girl's parents have not already implemented a Picture Exchange System (PECS), then do so. It has helped my son communicate what he wants.

Now the hard part, autistic or not, she should be disciplined. In fact, the stricter you are, the better for her in the long run. Remember when it comes to punishment, five minutes is like an hour. What this means is that when you ask her to pick up a toy, you give her a warning to pick up her toy or no computer. You don't have to pick the computer, but think of something that she enjoys and take it away from her. If she picks the toy up, great. However, if she does not pick it, then punish her by taking away (fill in the blank). Here is the tricky part, she will get mad. She will scream. She will cry. You will feel bad. You will want to give her back her (fill in the blank). You may even feel guilty enough to pick up the toy yourself. Don't. What you are doing is a battle of the wills. No matter how long it takes, you must win that first battle. It will take a few times, but once she realizes that if she does not listen, she will lose her privileges, she will actually listen. If she is like my son, she will learn who will cave in to her and who will not.

Another thing I have used with my son is the first/then technique. One scenario is when he wants ice cream, but he hasn't finished his dinner. There are lots of times when that happens. What I tell him is either first dinner, then ice cream. Or I will tell him, If you want some ice cream, eat your dinner first. Again with first dinner, then ice cream. He doesn't have to eat all of his dinner, especially if he is given a giant plate. He does have to eat at least half of it. He eats his dinner pretty quick once he realizes that he gets his ice cream afterwards. Now, like most boys his age, his mouth is a black hole that leads to the bottomless pit known as his stomach.

Like all kids, you can't expect them to be perfect. She will slip up now and then. However, stay persistent. Keep at it. I don't expect her to be like my son. When another classmate makes a mess, he cleans it up. One day you might be surprised. Remember this, she knows exactly what is going on around her. Just because she is not talking, it does not mean that she is not listening to what is being said.

As for the brushing of the hair, have you tried a wide tooth comb? Different bristles. Maybe even take her to the store and let her pick her one brush or comb. One that only she can use, that is all hers. Enough with this novel of a post. I hope I could help out in some way. Good luck!

I am the mom of a six year old autism spectrum girl. She had alot of similar issues when she was younger. I too, was a single parent and found it very difficult. I know I made things worse by doing to much for her. But, when you are barely keeping you head above water you do what you have to do. Hind sight is 20/20 right!! The good news is you can change it. You made the biggest step by acknowledging that you may need to make changes.
Things didn't change for us until I was married and able to stay home. Routine and consistancy is the most important thing. It sounds like were she is at developmentally she may need you assistance to help her follow through with doing simple tasks. Remember just cause she is 9 socially and emotionally she is probably very much younger. I had my child in therapy for a while now so I am giving you advice that they gave me. Try not to focus so much on her doing the task herself. Put the focus on her following through and achieving the task even though you help. Then praise praise praise and offer an incentive like favorite snack or sticker what she likes. Start a reward system. Keep task simple at first. No matter how simple the task following through is the most important thing. She will cry. It is hard for her. But stick by her and support her through the process. Make a routine of it every day.
My daughter ate the same foods and would not try anything else. It was really hard to get her over that hump. Remember that is such a characteristic of autism. Might be alot of sensory issues surronding it. There was for us. I just offered alot of different foods and she adventually branched out on her own. It took two years to get to that point though.
I cannot use brushes on my daughters hair. I use lots of leave in conditioner and a small tooth comb.
One more thing you arent spoiling your daughter. Your just loving her the best way you know how. Its hard to raise a special needs child. Especially when everyone in the world has an opinion.

A few other people mentioned the sensory issues associated with autism spectrum disorders, so very important to acknowledge. Also transitioning between school/home routines is SO difficult and also must be acknowledged.
I strongly encourage you to speak frankly with your the girl's parents (your relatives)about their expectations for your time with her. I was a bit concerned about your description "getting her to dress herself" and "making her pick up toys". These are things to be learned, and keep in mind this child is on a steeper learning curve, with a very different comprehension level. What you see as defiance may actually be her just keeping it together. Trying to "teach" new skills to a child with non-verbal challenges is CHALLENGING for the teacher and the child. If you, however well meaning, only end up stressing out this little girl, frustrating yourself and judging her parents this will become a toxic situation quickly.
As a parent of a child with NVLD, who also has a sitter, I want his school to do the teaching and his sitters to keep him safe and happy.
Your heart is in the right place but let her parents do the parenting.

Hi A.,

Terrific of you for trying to get her to help herself. : )
I'd suggest adding things to what she eats now and then putting more of it in a bowl on the table to see if she'll take some more on her own. For example, add vegeatbles to her pizza. Put a salad with vegetables in it on the table. You could try broccoli, spinach, carrots. Fruit in her cereal bowl. Probably start out small.

There are also some cookbooks that have recipes that involve pureeing vegetables to hide in other foods so that they are not noticeable:
http://www.amazon.com/Confessions-Sneaky-Organic-Healthy-...
http://www.thesneakychef.com/
http://www.deceptivelydelicious.com/site/

Good luck,
: ) Maureen

I fully understand your situation. My son is also autistic and spoiled. I have no regrets about spoiling him. There were so many things to focus on that other things fell to the side. Really, who cares if your child can dress themselves when there are so many other things to deal with. Having said that, a few months ago, I decided it was time to tackle these other things. I don't know if it will work for you, but what worked wonders for us is a behavior chart. My son earns 1-2 stars depending on the task and at the end of the week, if he has ten stars, he earns a previously agreed upon prize. There are only 4 tasks on the chart and they are very simple: put on pajamas by myself, feed myself dinner, taste a new food (2 stars), or take a bath. The behaviors have changed over the months to keep it challenging, but once one has been mastered, he keeps doing it as part of his routine. I really hope this turns out to be successful for you too and I think you can include your older child too. As for the eating.......let me know if you find a solution. I think that I have tried most everything. My son's sense of taste is so keen that he can taste if I use a different butter in his oatmeal. I know the world just tastes different to him than me. Maybe sneaking foods works for some kids, but not mine and I have tried many times. He always knows when something is "not right" and I risk losing a food that he is willing to eat. I have tried just putting a new food on his plate in a very small amount for weeks hoping he would eventually give in, but autistic children have a relentless stubborness. The only thing that has helped a little, is taking him grocery shopping and I let him pick out his own snacks. I realized that he saw other kids at school eating things he wanted to try, but he could not express it. Good luck.
C.

Hello,

I would say she is NOT spoiled.
I would say she hasn't been taught these things, and will find it very hard to break her routine. If she isn't speaking then she does have a more serious case of autism.

Imagine what it must be like to NOT be able to talk.
Or say you would prefer ice cream instead of pizza today.
Or Just to tell you to leave her alone she is not in the mood to have you nagging her, like any normal 10 year old might do.

Because she can't talk you have no way of knowing if she is aggravated about a sound, a color or what it is you expect of her.

This severely limits her communication.

I agree that you should talk with her parents,
and make some suggestions.

I would try sticking to teaching her ONE new thing instead of 5.After all this has been the routine for 9 years. You can't expect change over night.

Try teaching her WHERE to put her dirty dishes.

Every evening after lunch or dinner, help her pickup her plate, and walk her over to the sink and have her place her dishes in there. Use plastic plates just in case.

See how long it takes you to teach her this ONE task to mastery.

this way you have an Idea of her capacity and tolerance.
and it doesn't disrupt her routine much.

Next I would teacher her to play with just one toy and then put it back BEFORE getting a new one, because as you say she can only tolerate putting away 3 before it becomes overwhelming for her.

As for teaching her to dress her self, I would say to talk her thru it each day, using just the formality of Put on your shirt, RIGHT hand IN, LEFT hand IN as you show her what to do.

IF you are very very patient she will learn...

M

I just wanted to add that I have heard some correlations between autism & soy & gluten. My friend who is an OT works with autistic children & when she gets her clients off soy & most wheat based products she notices a marked 'improvement' in their behaviour. I'm not sure how documented this correlation is. As one parent has mentioned here & based on the lunches of my husbands class of autustic high school kids, the diet issues are often a little more governed by the children because there are so many other issues to work with.
Blessings to your caring work.

Autism is a tough nut to crack. There is 12 or 13-year-old boy in our church who is autistic. He is in his own world much of the time, yet he also understands many things. His parents can direct him in various ways, while allowing him to be himself. He joins the kids up front during the children's sermon, yet he does not really engage in the message. During the adult's sermon, he is often in the back, smiling at his inner world or screeching at something that struck him, but how much of the sermon he actually absorbs is not clear to me.

He is just a little older than our son and goes to school, often in our son's class. My son says he does math, reading, and other classwork, yet, to this day he does not speak. I suspect he never will. And, truth be told, I don't fully understand what he understands and what he doesn't. I know as a child, he would calm down if he was holding two of the same thing, one in each hand. It defies reason in my book, but it worked when he was younger.

If your 9-year-old relative is not speaking still, I'm not sure I would say she has a mild case of it. I would learn as much about the disorder as I could. I might talk with her teacher at school to get some tricks they have employed and to better understand the disorder. And I would learn as much as possible, before I judged the parents.

You may be right. They may be pandering to her whims. But, upon talking with them, they also may give you some perspective and understanding of the disorder you may not have thought of. Autism is an entirely different world from the one we understand. Just because a child is smart in one area does not necessarily mean they are fully understand in others areas, especially when relating to others.

I am not an expert on autism at all. But I found this YouTube link gave me a hint of understanding...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WK144ZdxFU&amp;feature=re.... The correlation between autism and this link is a bit oblique, but it emphasizes that one thing that seems obvious to one group may not be obvious to another.

My son is also Autistic. I don't have much advice for the spoiling. Did she ever have Early Intervention or Birth To Three? If she only has a mild case, she should be talking. As for the food, A LOT of Autistic kids have a big issue with texture when it comes to food. You could try adding carrot baby food to the mac and cheese, or hiding it elsewhere, but i would say it's more the texture she doesn't like than the taste.

I used to work with children with severe behavioral issues. We used to give them prizes at the end of the day for doing what we asked. You could have her be responsible for picking up X number of toys and that will get her something that she wants out of a "prize" box. Also try giving her verbal praise everytime she does something that you wanted her to. As for the food. Sometimes especially with autistic kids change is hard. Choose one battle. You may find that the rest of the stuff falls into place. Hope this helps!

W.