Spoiled??

I agree with Jackie. Spoling is not about the please and thank you now (though good for you for teaching good manners), or even really what you buy her yet, its about whether you "give in" at the dinner table when she wants or doesn't want something (if she wants a cookie and EVERY time she wants one even if she says please do you give it to her?). Having lots of toys won't necessarily spoil her, not sharing those toys with friends or not making her wait to play with a toy a friend has will. There is still plenty of time to teach "values" too, she's only two. Also, the best lesson comes from the example you set her and how you interact with others.

Our 3 year old broke down in Target 3 months ago because we wouldn't buy him "Hulk Gloves." We did not give in to his whiny "I want" followed by a tantrum. I carried him out of the store comforting him and told him that he could "earn" the money to buy it and when he did he could have it. He still cried about it off and on for a week. Whenever he did I set about having him do "chores" (pick up his toys, help me carry laundry upstairs, carry some item to his dad, etc...). Everytime he did I gave him money. After 3 weeks he had earned $8. He then got some Halloween money from a grandmother and with his earned money he had enough for the gloves. He loves the gloves, and I think maybe even a little more because he earned them. Now, we gave him more money than a chore would earn from an older child, but we wanted to get the lesson across and at 3 attention span is short so he earned it faster. He was so thrilled to go put his money in his money drawer everytime he made it though.

This is just an example from our house, but you can "give" her all she wants and still teach the values of hardwork and earning it, keeping the "spoils" at bay. When she is older you can pay for some things, my parents did, but though they had the money they still made me work for the things I really wanted that were extra. I babysat one summer to earn money for the difference from a "day camp" in town versus staying there at night with other kids and when older I had to work to earn the money to pay for my car insurance if I wanted to drive. They paid for my clothes but they gave me a monthly allowance (if I didn't spend one month I could carry it over to the next and I got extra in August for "back-to-school')once I hit the teen demanding years. I got the same amount they would have allowed me, but I learned the value of the money and just how far it would go, and again, if I wanted something bad enough that was more than they gave me I could earn the money for it. So, you still have time to avert any concerns about spoiling.

For now, she is young, give her all the toys you want to, just don't give them when she DEMANDS them and I think you'll be just fine.

Good Luck.

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The only person who has the right to tell you that you might "spoil" your child is your own mother - and by now I'm sure you've learned to take most of her advice with a grain of salt. It doesn't take money to spoil a child, just indifference. Set a good example and your child will follow in your footsteps. If you care too much about material things (purses are my personal weaakness), then your child will too - but on the other hand, if you give generously of your time and money to chartiy or church, your child will too. Teach your child to be grateful and gracious, and it won't matter what she has because who she is will always shine brighter. And don't let the jealousy of others make you doubt your parenting style. It sounds to me like you're doing great so far!

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YES! You have to curb that urge to spoil now! My son got very spoiled when he was young, but I put an end to it while he was still little, and he turned into a wonderful young man. Don't think that you show your love for your children by buying them things, that is the wrong way to think. we show them love, by discipline, and affection, and encouragement, and being supportive. love has no price tag, it is time, and energy spent on the child, being a good and loving parent. Curb it now, she will adjust very quickly because she is young. the longer you wait the more she will resent the change in how much money you are spending on her. good luck, S.

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B. you seem wise beyond your years to even be thinking about it. I have raised three children and have taught elem. school for 20 years and what I have seen is that alot of people that spoil their children with material things feel guilty at some level about the lack of actual real time they are spending with their children. So they buy them alot of stuff. My advice is to be really in touch with why you are buying so many things. Children want time and attention first and foremost. If you are secure and happy with your job/mothering balance then try to show your child through your life this peace. Also are you and your husband demonstrating to the child a balanced financial life where there is financial balance with the proper amount of saving and not alot of credit card debt etc. Some people deck their children out with alot of things also because they unconsciously view their children as extensions of their identity and so want the child to be the latest and the best too. These children tend to have problems later with self esteem because at some level they know or feel that their value as a person is dependent on having all of the best or the latest things. You do not want your child to feel that her worth as a person is tied in anyway to what she does or does not have. I would worry about that more than spoiled. Spoiling with love is not a bad thing.The best way to spoil is with letting the child know that they are valued for who they are above and beyond anything they do or have. Good luck.

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It sounds like you are doing a good job and I also worry about the same thing. My husband grew up in another country and did not have anything "material" as a child. He wants his children to have EVERYTHING! I just feel that when they are old enough they can learn to "work" for their things. Like now I make my four year get a certain amount of start stickers on his "Good For Me chart" I got it at the learning store. I have a list of things he must do every day to earn stars. Like, brush his teeth,make his bed, be nice to his little brother, respect and listen to mommy and daddy, eat good foods etc. Now at the end of the week if he has a certain amount of stars, he can get a reward. He can pick it from a stack of coupons I mad up. Like go to Chuck E. Cheese, Jump n Jungle, Go to Walmart and buy a toy or whatever. It works well and I don't feel so bad giving him things when he does well with the chart. Just make understand from an early age that they have to be good and earn the things they have. It sounds like you are on the right track.

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I don't think she's spoiled. My daughter is the same way. she's almost three. My daughter behaves the majority of the time. She always gets caught misbehaving by the family members that think she's spoiled. Not to make excuses but they always catch her when she's tired or hungry so no she isn't going to behave properly. My daughter has more than everything she needs. I always tell them she's loved to the extreme. I don't think she'll end up spoiled. Make sure you set limits for her and she should be fine. Good Luck!

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Everyone worries their child is being spoiled at some point. The way to avoid spoiling is to reward your child with praise about her behavior and her behavior with others.
Things are not important. At any moment anything can happen to any of us and our lives can change in a moment. Having a loving and caring family is the most important "thing" we can have.

Wanting to give our children things is also normal, but not necessary. The first child you want everything new and unused. What ends up happening is that you realize the child does not care. You care, your friends care but why? Who are we trying to impress? Think about the bassanet you started with. My daughter stayed in hers not even 6 weeks. She was out of her crib by 1. The baby swing? Our child was walking at 6 months and could not be kept in the swing. I was so glad I listened to friends who said, just borrow anything that you possibly can.

Our family gave our daughter tons of toys. We hardly purchased any for her. We might pick up an outdoor swing at a garage sale or request something we felt our daughter would enjoy from family. First of all we just do not have room and second of all we realized she enjoyed playing with other kids and very basic toys. We taught her to give away toys she no longer played with to other neighbors, friends or relatives. Sometimes we donated them to children who had very few and she enjoyed this.

There were Birthdays and Christmases when she wanted to buy toys for other kids cause she "really did not want anything".

Once our daughter was in kindergarten, she learned about volunteering. She LOVED the entire concept and idea. To this day, she volunteers hundreds of hours a year.

We did splurge on books. We purchased a ton of new books, because she devoured books.

Her behavior was guided by what is societies expectations and by what we expected of her. We never hit or slapped or swatted our child. Instead we would tell her we were disappointed in her behavior and knew she could do better. We would tell her she was smart enough to know right from wrong. We also taught her to speak up for her needs. If her feelings were hurt she was to express this and if others told her the same, she was to acknowledge their feelings. This seemed to help her understand she was responsible for her behavior at all times and that only she could be blamed for her choices.

As parents, we must allow our children to make mistakes. We cannot punish or humiliate them when the choice is wrong, but we can speak with the child and ask them what should they do next time.

People always want to say a child is spoiled, but in reality the child just has not been taught what the rules of behavior are. Follow your heart and do the best that you can, and you will not have any regrets.

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I would say yes. Good for you for disciplining, but the true test will come when she hears "no" for the first time. We teach through our actions, not our words. It is so easy to be happy and well behaved if you always get what you want.
We have entire generations that suffer from this affliction. Sure, there are some good kids in this group, despite the fact that they were spoiled rotten.(They have coined this term for a reason, you know)
Why do you buy her so much? Children this age don't need, well, much of anything besides mom and dad. That isn't to say that she should have nothing, but showering her with gifts isn't healthy for anyone.
I would stop and ask yourself why you are buying all of this stuff? Is it for you or for her? If it is for you, why are you putting that on her? If it is for her, how could it be better used? College savings maybe? Your retirement? Maybe experiences, classes, travel? Heaven forbid, health needs one day?
I would suggest saving more of this money and saying no gradually. You don't have to go cold turkey, but by starting now, you could avoid problems in the future. Remember that just because you are doing well today, doesn't mean that you couldn't be doing better or that you will always do well.
Yes, I have an only child and the means to spoil her rotten, but have decided that it is in no one’s best interest to do so. Instead, we have savings and will retire young, or just have it availible should we need it for something else.
JMO. Good luck.

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Something I started with my son that we have continued is every birthday and Christmas and sometimes in between we will go through his toys and pick out the ones he doesn't play with anymore and give them to someone who needs them. Sometimes we post them on Craigslist or Freecycle and then choose the person who seems to need them the most. Then he gets to meet that person and actually enjoys helping others. He's now 7 and sometimes will ask when we are going to do it next. I have also let him give a homeless person either a dollar or food as we are stopped at a red light. He has even given some of his own money to the church. Good Luck.

I dont think people are talking about please and thank you. I think they are meaning how will she react if she dose not get that toy/item. May i please have this doll and if you say no does she throw a fit? Does she say thank you? She dosent need everything she wants alot. As she gets older you can begin giving an allowance for chores...age approperiate and dollor approperiate. She can decide if that doll is worth spending every dime on.Again she would have to be older like five or more to understand. IF friends are telling you your spoiling her listen up because they are standing outside the box and are seeing what we as moms dont.

It's OK to buy her things, but watch out for the "I want that" when she sees stuff from the shopping cart ride thru Walmart and then throws a fit because she can't have everything she wants. That is a spoiled child.

Yes, there is that chance. There is nothing wrong with the idea of giving your kids things or that they might have more than others. What is the problem, is when they have bad attitudes when they don't get what they want or they don't know how to share or give to others. You have to guard against that. There are poor people who don't have much who have very bad attitudes about stuff and there are rich people who are very generous and vice versa. You will have to be extra cautious since your child has a lot, as she will be used to it and it will foster expected attitudes. But, you can teach her otherwise, especially if you're serious about it and are willing to take things away from her when necessary. I can't afford my kids much, but both sides of the family can and do. I really have to work at teaching them generosity, sharing, concern for others, and not to show off or brag to others when they have something new. I struggle with this and am determined to teach them right. I have also made them personally hand over items or throw items away when they have a bad attitude. You have to personally show her that those items aren't what's important to you and that you are even willing to get rid of them. Just be diligent at teaching the values. Tell her no sometimes just for the sake of telling her no and teaching her she doesn't always get what she wants. My parents and grandparents always said no first. When the plea was repeated is the only time the item was considered. That way, impulsive indulgences aren't granted. I have to also guard against - "well, I'll just ask Grandma for it" - which I hate to hear. Stay aware. You can also start an allowance, which will help with teaching the value of things. I do this even with my 3 year old. He is already learning some.

Yes. Even though she has manners she can grow to expect 'things'. My sister-in-law told us to be careful about buying a little something for my grandson as a reward for good behavior because that's what her and her daughter were doing for her grandson. She said that he now becomes irate when they don't have the money to buy him rewards and now that he's 4 1/2 it is harder to satisfy him with something small.
My daughter and I have taken her advice. We reward good behavior with positive words, hugs and kisses. So far he is not showing any signs of acting like his second-cousin.
Ultimately it is your decision on whether or not you reward behavior with gifts or treats. I will give you kudos for at least listening to the people around you and having an open mind enough to ask advice. That is really hard for some people. Best of luck!!

B.--To answer your question--YES and at that point your little princess turns into someone you will not recognize.

Please and thank you are respect words--not reward.

Begin now--it is easier to train children than to try and fix them later.

Blessings--

My 15 yr old daughter is fun, polite and has a lot of "material" things. She could get anything she wants by asking her grandparents but she doesn't. She does as she is told/asked by her parents. Grades are good. I have rarely had to "discipline" her. Luckily she is a very good child. She hates it when her peers start talking about how unfair their parents are because she knows that most of the time parents are right. Does she get her way alot......yes mainly because she is so pleasant and unassuming. She doesn't pout or throw fits when she is told no and she never has. We always tease her about how "spoiled" she is ... her reply..."I'm not spoiled, I'm PAMPERED" That is exactly what she is like a pampered cat! My point... I bet as long as your disciplining her fairly, loving her, and keeping her balanced you too will end up with a pampered child and not a spoiled one. Kids are so much fun........enjoy every minute.

If every time you want to show your love your buy her somthing she doesn't need, or you bend to her every request, yes, one day she may likely turn on you and become a self-centered brat. So next time you want to show your love, make the choice to do something like spending time together doing something simple she will enjoy. think of a tea party, baking cookies, blowing bubbles, reading her stories, taking a walk looking for rocks or leaves or butterflies, etc. She's so little and does not need anything more than you and your time. If every time she's "bored" you take her to the movies or to the mall or whatever, you are creating your own little monster! Stop buying toys for no reason and just be with her.

Hi B.,
Your little one has manners? Not to worry hten. To me, that does make a difference. Granted, if you give her/buy her something EVERYTIME she asks... maybe. But... manners are a big deal. I have a 19 month old and I am teaching her please and thank you. She has the please done ans when prompted, will say please when asking for something. She can't quite say thank you yet. Keep up with the discipline and the manners, at times say no, and she'll be fine.
L.

There's that chance but sometimes it depends on the child and how you represent it. It sounds like you are teaching her to appreciate. I'm sure you know to do this but my kid's father always expected from others so when my oldest would have a party she got where she expected a gift, so I worked really hard at turning things around and made sure that she and my others knew it was a very thoughtful thing when someone gives you a gift. As far as you buying things, just remember too much at a young age or any age is confusing. So you may want to rotate things out. Like put a group of toys out then when she gets tired of those put them away and get another group of toys out. Make sure also that your kids have a responsibility in the family to do their part. I give my kids allowance, sometimes you'll hear one of them say if I don't take my allowance can I not do my chores and I say no, your allowance is because your part of the family and your chores is because you have a responsibility being part of the family. Of course extra cash comes from chores thats extra not regulary theirs. It works out well because they also know that if they're slacking in school are get into mischief that will cut their allowance but not their chores!! From what you said above I'm sure you'll be in tune on to do, so don't fret. Chances are the people saying things may just be jelous, or need to fix their own backyards before they go giving advise. Good luck and I hope I didn't over step my bounds with that last part.

Hi B.,

You have one child, she is about to be two years old. You have plenty of time to enjoy her so why worry about what other people think. Everyone has a differ opinion of spoiled.
Enjoy life don't sweat the small things. Enjoy the now, there is plenty of time to figure out the other stuff. She will learn all in due time and you will to and how you want to discipline, spoil, you name it. Behavior is learned so if you already have a good outline why worry about it. If anyone ever says you spoil your child just say thank you and move on or I appreciate your opinion and move on. You know whether or not what true in your heart and whats going on. So why sweat it. Everything works out for a reason. God Bless you and your family.

if you're teaching her manners, not letting her throw temper tantrums and get rewarded for throwing them, if you teach her that she's totally capable of doing chores (age appropriate, of course. 2yr olds putting toys back in box=good but a 10yr old can load/unload the dishwasher) you're on the right track.

If you teach her that working for what you want is how it goes, that won't make her a spoiled brat.

However, if you teach her that she gets whatever she wants, whenever she wants with no 'pain for the gain' then she'll be a princess and a difficult person to deal with. (if you're a Dave Ramsey fan, you'll know what I'm talking about on the principle, if not, google him)

No how you as parents raise her will determine how she will be as a older child. If you set limits on the things and so not give in all the time that will be a start. They are so wonderful at that age that it is hard. Instead put some away for special gifts or school.

No need to worry. I WAS very spoiled growing up. I got everything, I wanted. I would throw fits to get my way. We weren't well off. My paretns did with out, to provide the best things for me. My dad had a handful of credit cards to buy what I wanted.

As I grew older, I realized that I can't always get what I want. I shouldn't have acted that way. I was a kid, I didn't know better. AS I got older, and started buying things for myself, I finally realized that it costs money to get what I wsnt. I learned how to budjet my money.

Now, I'm married and have a son. I find myself doing without, to provide for him. This is the pattern of life.

People should not be judging your daughter. If they are truly your friends, they should not say anything, and mind their own business.

Hi B., it sounds as if you have been doin an excellent job. At two and she is saying please etc...excellent. Many times people are jealous of what you have in life and others good fortune. This is unfortunate. But try to not let their at this point not justified comments spoil your joy. Enjoy your daughter and do what you feel in your heart is best for her and then let her decide whether or not to become spoiled. What a child becomes is not your responsibility as long as you do what you feel is your best by her and you. Bright Blessings and Love and Laughter to all yours

Hi B.
Nonsense- love your little one as you do- give her love and instructions and as she grows you can impart your wisdom to her- but you should most likely caution in over doing the gift thing- she will eventually learn to value money and I would not worry about spoiling her- she is only two once and each age brings a different stage of learning- just keep on doing what you are doing- love your baby
she will be fine

Hi B.,
I just wanted to offer a suggestion...you might want to check into a parenting class for you and your husband. Not a class on changing diapers and giving baths, but a class that gives in-depth info on actual parenting...discipline, re-direction, setting limits, choosing appropriate toys, etc. It sounds like you and your husband are on the right track and are raising a sweet, respectful, not spoiled little girl, but a good parenting class would give you the confidence to dismiss all the well-meaning 'advice' that now has you questioning your parenting skills. I was a program coordinator for a class in San Antonio (where I'm from) and our class was completely free and we offered free childcare so parents could attend together. I can't tell you how many people came to our class, even those who were reluctant at first (lots of wives drag their husbands to class kicking and screaming), and told us at the end of the eight weeks that the class changed their lives. I don't know what is offered in this area but it would be worth checking into. Our class was offered through the Jewish Community Center so you might want to check that (no you don't have to be Jewish to attend!). Best of luck to you!

No, I think you're doing fine. It's great that you are able to give your child what she needs & a little extra. My sister is a great example of what you're asking about. She was SO SPOILED & I, surprisingly was neglected, & she got literally ANYthing she wanted & always better than what I got (i.e.: new & "bigger/better"), they even bought her a show type horse that was hi-strung & she had NO business even being on but she threw a fit til she got it. Well, they in the meantime didn't punish her nor correct her when she was wrong (BELIEVE me, THAT was all the time! & NO I'm not kidding! & she is the oldest BTW). She was coddled & she is THE most immature, selfish person I've met so far (other than my mother's poor choice of a husband). She starts literal cat-fights w/me when I do discipline her rotten kids. A different story, however, is about someone I knew growing up. They seem to have a lot of money although the mom tells me that they're broke. Well, they give all they can to their two kids & the son grew up to be a respectful young man despite the fact I thought he seemed a bit spoiled but they actually discipline their kids & her youngest is VERY polite & well-mannered...just turned 5...so I'm sure yours will turn out just fine if you keep on the right track...discipline when called for & to show them & make them understand that they can't always get what they want & it might get taken away for a few days if they don't behave, ect. so no, I think you seem to be doing right. Wanting your kids to have things but also letting them know/correcting them when they've done wrong. Keep up the good work.

Dear B.,

I think you're doing a great job being a mother! You said you love to spend time with her, and that's the best thing you can give her. Keep on being stern and disciplining her - she needs that. If you truly do buy her a lot of things, that might be where you need to rein in a bit. You are teaching her to have expectations for "stuff." She will carry those expectations with her into her teen years, and then into young adulthood, and then into marriage. You are able to give her stuff, but her future husband may not be able to. I know how fun it is to lavish with things, but truly that is not what life should be all about. Keep spoiling her with your time and your attention, with lots of love and discipline.

J.

If your instruction his always the same and never fails and if you see progress and your disciplining methods MAKE her an obediant child then i doubt she will turn out like people say. You are in control and you determine what kind of person she will become by installing good morals, the truth of God and to follow his ways and always honor her parents, then i think you can give yourself a pat on the back.

good luck
L.

Could it be that your friends are a little bit envious? If your child is well behaved and minds you (at 2 she is still a baby), don't pay any attention. You probably suffer from the same malady that most parents who work full time do, and try to make it up to her by showering her with "things". Spend as much time with her as you can and keep a firm hand on her actions. She will follow your example. Concerning her "things", it's always good to teach children to share, so before Christmas each year, and sometimes in between, have her go thur the things she no longer plays with and pull them out to donate to a charaty. Let her be the one to make the choices and also let her deliver them, then she'll have an active part of the sharing process. Just teach her how to get along with people and not be a selfish little brat, and forget about what your "well meaning" friends say.

Hi B. -

There is a huge difference between having a privileged and spoiled child. I was a first time mom at 40. Needless to say there isn't much my child doesn't have. However, she is well behaved and polite. We don't buy her things just because she wants them and she doesn't have tantrums when she doesn't get something. She is four and already has chores.

I don't know your family so I can't say whether you are spoiling your daughter. I do think you are teaching her that things are important. That may be what is generating people's comments.