Sore Loser!!!

Kids can't handle losing until about age 7 or 8. That's why everyone gets valentines in school and everyone gets equal rewards. Kindergarten teacher never do contests with their students.

After age 7 and 8, teachers do introduce gentle competition.

However, a sore loser should not throw things, kick, or scream. If he does any of those things, send him to his room or time out to cool off. When he comes back, try the game again and let him win. Or do something else altogether.

Model correct sportsmanship behavior and comment on good sportsmanship behavior when you see it in other people (kids or adults, family or strangers). For example, when you see a competition on TV comment, "wow, even though that guy lost, I'll bet he'll try harder next time!"

The winner is the guy who TRIES the hardest.

I'm right there with you. Our son is also 6 and has a very hard time with this. He also has generalized anxiety disorder, so I think that contributes to the problem. We have tried having him go to his room to calm down but that does not work. I believe the problem is that he does not know HOW to calm himself down. So that has been our focus. The trick is to work on it with him while he IS calm. For example, we practice deep breathing techniques before bed each night. A good way to start with this is to get some bubbles and just have him try to blow very big ones (in order to do this he will have to take a deep breath and blow out slowly). Another technique that has worked well for us is called "butterfly hugs". His therapist talked with him to discover what he feels is a "nice safe place". His is a hotel room (funny right?). So when he is feeling anxious or angry, he needs to cross his arms over his chest, close his eyes and think of the hotel room, and tap his shoulders one at a time. There is actually science behind this......it has to do with the bilateral stimulation of the tapping combined with his positive thoughts. When he does this, be sure that his legs are UNcrossed. Anyways, after enough practice, the idea is that his brain will be trained into becoming calm when doing this. The trick though is first practicing it enough with him when he is not angry, so that he can become comfortable with it. The other day, I had to pick my son up early from school for a doctor's apt- he was about to start painting in class and so he was extremely upset that he had to leave (not throwing a tantrum, but crying uncontrollably). He continued to cry in the van and then all of the sudden he stopped. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw him doing the butterfly hug! I am so happy that not only did it work, but he thought to do it on his own. It's true that alot of kids have problems "losing" and they many times outgrow it. But I feel good to know that in the meantime, we are offering our child some helpful strategies for managing these confusing emotions. Good luck with your son!

Boys are competitive and you are right to want them to learn how to be a gracious loser. It takes practice and they don't just outgrow being a sore loser. Anyone who has watched High school wrestling can probably tell you of times they seen that poor sportsmanship in matches. We had one boy who was really bad about it on my son's wrestling team. I was upset that even though he acted that way he was also the one who got rewarded with the special athlete awards because the coach thought winning was more important then good sportsmanship and this wrestler was good and won most of his matches. My son who is a couple years younger then this kid tried it one day out on the mat. I had been video taping his match and kept it taping while he threw his little temper tantram. Afterwards I called him up to where I was sitting and showed that tape to him and warned him that if I EVER see that behavior again he would be done wrestling! The other kids mother was sitting next to me and seen how my son was embarrassed by his behavor once he seen how it looked to those who witnessed it, leaned over to me and said "Will you tape my son too? Maybe it would work for him as well". Your son is too young to get through to him like this but what would work is if the babysitter refuses to play with him if he whines or gets mad. Then when they do play and your son loses for him to tell him "good try, you played well" When he plays by himself and restarts the game while losing isn't bad because it teaches him to go back and correct his mistakes, but if he gets mad before he does, shut the game off for the rest of the day. If you play board games with him make him finish out the game whether he is winning or losing. Tell him "good job" when he wins and "good try" when he loses, encourage him to do the same. My 4 year old granddaughter learned how to do this so I am sure your son will too with consistancy. Also you may try to teach him some calming down skills like when he starts feeling frustrated to pause his game and take some deep breaths and let them out slowly and not go back to it until he is calmer.

I have the same issue with my 5yo daughter. So I am interested in others' responses.

She isn't very athletic but has some friends who are pretty fast runners so when they get excited and run to the park, she will basically freak out. If she and I go on a walk (she rides a bike and I am pushing the stroller) she will have a fit if I'm in front. .... and so on.

It's so odd!!

Otherwise she's such a good kid who plays very well with friends. And when her friends or teammates do well, she's SO cute about cheering them on and telling them "good job!" and giving her peers accolades. So I don't think it's a jealousy thing.

I think it's a perfectionist thing.
And maybe the same with your son.

It is absolutely the age he's at! A great book to look over is Yardsticks... it's written as a guide for teachers on school-aged kids development, but as a parent it has provided me with a great snapshot of general development issues for my older kids. Competitive games are very challenging to them emotionally and cognitively at this age, so maybe try to steer more towards cooperative games right now. I think dialogues about your concerns when they are NOT in the heat of the moment are helpful too. Letting him know that losing is a necessary part of getting better at something because it's how we learn, that everybody (adults included) wants to win and that it takes a lot of COURAGE and STRENGTH to be willing to "not win" a game but still try it again.
Good luck... my daughter (first grader) would beg us all to play a game with her and then she'd run crying from the room when it was clear that she was behind, or "accidentally" knock other's game pieces over! It is getting better, and I was glad to hear it was pretty normal. As you said so well, we want to help them along to be a gracious loser. Of course that means WE need to model it... and I STILL don't like to lose!! :-)

The response to play lots of board games with him is great; be sure to give some praise for his good play -- "Good move! " or "That was a smart move there!" etc. And model good winning and good losing yourself (and talk to your teenage babysitter about always doing the same), by being modest but happy when you win and saying "Good game, you played really well" to the winner when you lose. Of course you'd do that anyway, but make sure he hears it coming from you and especially the babysitter -- I'm betting a six-year-old boy just idolizes his teenage sitter, so the sitter's input could be very helpful here.

I know families where kids have to shake each other's hands and say "Good game" when they play a board game or organized game, even if one of the kids is steaming.

Also, I would end games immediately if he gets angry, especially if he can't calm down after a warning. (And again, have the sitter do the same things you do, the same way - keep it consistent no matter who's in charge.) After a warning, if he gets angry, lashes out verbally, throws a game piece, whatever, very calmly say, "I'm sorry, but we can't continue to play because you're choosing this behavior." And start putting the game away. Again, I'd be sure he got a clear warning first that a second time means the game ends right away.

I think this is pretty typical behavior in many kids in early years, and good for you for wanting to teach good sportsmanship now, rather than having an older elementary kid on your hands who is not chosen for games at school because of his attitude, or who is always in trouble on sports teams because he mouths off at other players or coaches. You can do this!

My older son was like this. He is nine now and has very much outgrown it thank goodness. He would actually cry if he lost a soccer game and pout all day. In every other area he was mature way beyond his years but not with this. He is very bright so I wonder if it was some kind of a perfectionist thing. What I did NOT want to happen is for him to not try things that he may lose at. My fears were unfounded. I think with age they learn how to control their feelings. They still aren't happy but they know better how to deal with it.

Hve you tried to play board games with him? Candyland and Chutes and Ladders etc are excellent games to play with kids, with parents. Someone always wins and someone always loses. He needs to learn this, he will not win everytime, life is just like that.

Oh i can totally relate I have an 8 year old just the same, not only is he a sore looser is a sore winner- he can trash talk like no other- He learned this from 14 year old brother.
We have tried talking to him, sending him to his room everthing. We have told him we wont play with him if he is going to cheat or pout- seriously he cheats at candyland- we warn him before we start to play it seems to help .